Sunday, 18 December 2016

Friendships Lost - This One Is On Me

Well after my last post about people just stopping replying to me, it seems I am guilty of unwittingly doing the same.

This hasnt been a great year. As you can probably tell by the lack of posts I havent exactly been up to much when it comes to this side of my life. My real life is partially to blame. I work long hours in a mentally intense job that means when I get downtime I often want to spend it like a vegetable. And then I havent exactly been feeling positive about myself for quite some time either, falling into old mental habits of self loathing and so on. So when the times come where I could dress up when the day actually comes, much like today, I just cant be bothered. Ive written about these on the blog before, so didnt want to bore anyone with the details again.

This then extends to my use of social media. Im not a heavy user at all, far from it, so any updates from me are very infrequent. Messages may also go unanswered for quite sometime, sometimes longer than I plan to as life gets in the way, but this is not intentional.

So this brings me to an old friend that I have wronged, hurt to the point that she has felt the need to go so far as to block me and remove me from whatever contact sites and social media we were connected on, and I didnt even notice until yesterday evening. Im not going to pretend I dont deserve it, I probably do, but it still hurts me to think that I have hurt her enough to make her feel that she needed to go this far.

We met up on a trans contact site years ago now and were drawn together by among other things, a mutual dislike of that site. She gave me her mobile number to use as a lifeline when I came out to my partner all those years ago, and she is the only person I have trusted to add as a friend on my real life Facebook. She is not anywhere near local, so we have not met up to now.

Over the years obviously circumstances change. We had kept in touch from time to time across various other sites, but that contact petered out, and this part is probably my fault. She last tried to get in touch a few months ago to give me some amazing news on a new direction her life was taking, but she sent me that message on a site I havent been active on for about 2 years now, but do occasionally check in on to pick up messages. She left a comment on my last post on here about a month ago expressing her disappointment, which I only came across last night. I originally replied to this, but then decided to remove it and post about it instead.

I have tried to contact her again, but it seems the damage is already done. And its my fault.

Ive had friends go quiet on me before, but im always conscious of the way this works for some people. That this is a second life that sometimes has to take a back seat to the one that pays the bills, that it is often operated in secret, or even that it can take a mental toll sometimes that can be difficult to process, and takes time to heal. As I said in my last post, I have a few friends that currently have me in this holding pattern, some for longer than others. And while it can be a little frustrating that this is the case, I understand that sometimes it cant be helped and if they do decide to pop back up again, we can just pick up where we left off. It seems I have done this to my friend too many times, and she has had enough.

Ive never claimed to be perfect, and I make a lot of mistakes all of the time. Im not innocent in this and feel terrible that its got to this point, and that she felt it was so bad it was better to just block me out entirely rather than give me an opportunity to explain myself or even give a well deserved apology. But there is nothing I can do about this now.

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