Struggling

Im struggling at the moment. I feel like I need to vent, but this is the only place I feel like I can do it openly.

The GD is just kicking me really hard at the moment, really fucking hard, and it has been for weeks now if not longer. I hate it so much. It just feels like everything triggers it now, and I cant get away from it. I dont have an outlet for it that works, I dont know what I can do to calm it down. And the brave face ive been putting on cracks sometimes and I say things out loud that I dont mean to when im reacting to it.

When I get those moments where my mind is taken off it, its like it doesnt even exist. But I seem to be on a hair trigger with it now, and those clear moments dont last long before something triggers it and im back feeling miserable about it.

I want rid of this feeling. Im fed up of carrying on like this.

Summer Holiday Body Envy

Ive recently got back from very long Balearic holiday abroad with my girlfriend and a number of friends as well. We had a really good time, managed to fit quite a lot of things in, and after piling on factor 50 sun lotion and hiding in the shade as much as possible I havent tanned much either. I was actually considering going to Sparkle again this year but unfortunately I would still be abroad for the first half of the festival so it wasnt worth going.

The lead up to the holiday was quite frustrating to begin with. I knew I would be spending a bit of time in front of friends not actually wearing much so of course I had to 'man-up' and let my body hair grow out a bit in order to avoid any awkward questions. This had meant that any plans I may have had in order to do anything trans has been on hold until getting back. Now that im back, im looking for something to do and definitely need an excuse to trim my hair back again.


Now, on a holiday abroad where the sun is shining and the temperature is over 40 degrees, its normal to do a fair bit of sitting on the beach doing as little as possible. So on several occasions I found myself sat on a sun lounger under a parasol, feeling myself slowly baking with nothing but some music on to keep me busy for hours upon hours.

The beach was part of a resort and fairly busy with families, locals, and other people who came to see the town the resort was based at. There were so many women of various shapes, sizes and ages, all appropriately dressed for the extremely hot temperatures. Little bikinis of all cuts and colours, kaftans and cover ups made of all sorts of materials and patterns, and so on. Watching them interact with each other and other people, seeing them look comfortable and happy made me feel a little miserable to be honest. With nothing to do but people watch, I could not help but get a little wound up about it all. How amazing they looked, how happy they looked, how unfair it is. Then there were the night clubs. The amazing, glamourous outfits being worn: dresses, playsuits, little tops and skirts, all clinging or enhancing the female figure underneath. Hair of all shapes, cuts and colours, and make up completing the glamorous looks. I didnt want to be stood there in a t-shirt, shorts and trainers, I wanted to feel feminine and look as cute as the girls I was surrounded by. Fuck what I would have given to swap places with them at that moment. Or permanently.


Im over the fact that im not a woman, and that transition is not the right path for me. As much as I feel I dont fit in with your typical bloke, I dont feel I identify as a woman either. But it doesnt make this body envy, this clothes envy, this life envy much easier. How am I meant to reconcile what it is I feel like I should look like and how I want to feel and communicate, with the realities of a Testosterone ridden body in a masculine world? As im getting older its getting more difficult. Its only been a few years since I started taking this seriously and I can already see differences between then and now in my body development. The compromises im making are getting more difficult to keep up with. And this double life im living right now is weighed far too much towards my male side.

I had an amazing holiday, I really did. I had some amazing experiences, and did some things I never thought I would too which were a lot of fun. But this has just knocked me back a bit. I couldnt avoid not thinking about it and it made me feel a bit empty and miserable. Even reading this back now has re-surfaced those feelings.

I need a girly night out. A day out. Anything.

Make-up Mess-up

Ive finally had a free day to myself today. My new job is very demanding in the week, and my newly free weekends have been spent at a seemingly endless amount of birthdays, social events and catching up with some lost friends. But finally I had a free Monday so I thought id dress up for the first time in forever.

What a mess. Ok, im getting old and I need to get used to the imperfections on my face that comes with it, but I just couldnt get it right at all. My foundation was far too thick and didnt go over my beard cover so my face looked patchy, eyehsadow was a mess, mascara just seemed to want to rub off my eyes and onto my upper lids and upper cheek, I didnt even bother attempting eyeliner, my lipliner was all over the shop... Damn it was difficult. I felt like a beginner again, not that I was anywhere near a pro in the first place.

I need to practice, a lot, before I even think of going out again. It was a little disheartening to be honest and my confidence took a little knock. I thought I had a fairly ok look but apparantly I dont. At least not anymore. I took a few photos and I think the light in the room helped hide a lot of the imperfections and mistakes. Ok, I look a little washed out as well but a few came out pretty well, and the ones taken on the laptop camera makes me look soooo much younger! Lower resolution FTW!

I would love a makeover. To have someone qualified make me look as good as I can possibly be, to instill me with some confidence again. And im not on about a 'dressing service', a proper makeover by a proper makeup artist who knows how to get the best out of a face. Makeup counters are generally far too public though, I need something a little more private, which I suspect will be difficult to arrange. Ill need to look into that I think.

The Gauntlet

Has anyone noticed since I said I would stop posting anything negative that my posts have dried up? ;)

So my shifts have changed in work and I am now regularly finishing after 11pm at night. My route home from work involves cutting right across the city centre, down one of the busiest pedestrianised streets filled with non-mainstream bars. So two to three nights a week I have to fight crowds of people out having a good time while I am on my way home from work.

I get jealous, incredibly jealous. Not of the fact that they are out having a good time when ive been in work, to be honest its not really my 'scene'. But I get jealous of the ladies that are there. I get surrounded by them, everywhere I look theres no escaping the sights and sounds of women enjoying themselves all around me. All of them looking absolutely gorgeous, all of them looking the way I want to look and could never hope to achieve even when I am trying. Groups of them giggling with their friends in a way that I could never do as a man, or even as a part time girl. It makes me feel a little miserable, I get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and a lump in my throat thinking that I will never live the life I want to live, that life. And im forced to go through this several times a week now.

Theres always an underlying current of this that I deal with almost continuously unless my mind is kept extremely busy, but going through this gauntlet every week is draining. Its so intense, and there is nothing I can do to stop or control it. I could change my route of course but every route home involves a similar amount of bars and people to pass unless I go massively out of my way.

In Other News

Ive started cursing myself again, ive been having off days emotionally too. All signs of the return to the downward spiral. Im very conscious of this fact and I do not want to go back there. Ive got two weeks off at the beginning of November, the first will hopefully be spent abroad. The second will maybe be me trying to get back into being me again. Its been too long but ive just been too busy with work and that that ive had no time to do things for myself lately. These late shifts are incredibly draining.

On the name side of things im down to two names I think. I may however keep which one I decide to myself and my friends, rather than publish it on here. I quite like the nom-de-plume ' a part time girl', and I may just sign myself off on here using that name from now on.

A part time girl x

3 Years Ago Today

3 years ago today my first ever batch of womens clothing and 'trans accessories' arrived in the post. My girlfriend was away with her parents for the week and I had finally given in to the thoughts that were constantly plaguing me about ignoring a massive part of who I am and the regret this could cause. When the package arrived I was so excited and spent ages in front of the mirror trying something on, then trying something else on, then trying the first thing back on and so on. I didnt make the best choices in clothing. I had to try and keep it cheap so the quality wasnt the best but it didnt matter at the time. They were mine and they enabled me to actually see this other side to my identity in front of my own eyes, and get that one step closer to my dream. I felt so happy.

I had arranged to meet another t-girl to dress up and chat with the following weekend. This was my first interaction with someone like me and I was nervous, and was very quiet. I had bought makeup but had never used it before, and used it for the first time while I was there. Im sure I looked like a clown and luckily, there are no photos! During our conversation she surprised me with a question, asking if or when I planned on telling my gf. Up to that point I hadnt really thought about it, but decided that I would give it one year and if after that year I decided I wasnt going to be able to stop dressing up then I would tell her. And well, we all know what happened there.

Throughout the upcoming year I dressed up every chance I got and also met another t-girl who let me dress at hers. It was all so liberating and I looked forward to each and every opportunity I could get. As the end of the year came up I realised I couldn't turn my back on this, and knew full well what I promised myself when this journey started.

When I did come out to my gf the following year I took a massive risk, one im glad I took. But I anticipated a payoff that was worthwhile, but over the years this hasnt come into fruition like I thought it would. I had big plans for what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go and to an extent I have ticked some quite major achievements off my trans-to-do list. But I still feel like im cut off from the world, that im not where I need to be, that I dont do this enough, and it bugs me. Hugely. Ive certainly hit a few milestones over the last few years but I have achieved so little in quantity.

So yeah, July is the month I have two birthdays. I turned 32 near the beginning of this month, but I didnt do anything to celebrate. We sat in, had takeaway pizza and watched the final Batman movie from the dark knight trilogy (which looks amazing on my new TV btw). Ive got no party planned or anything, with all the stuff thats been going on and the general mood I am in I just dont really feel like celebrating. As I mentioned previously today my female side is 3 years old and equally I dont feel like celebrating that either, I wish there was something I could do to celebrate it though but cant really come up with anything. July is also the month I went to a dressing service and saw my female side properly for the first time, the month I came out to my partner and also the month I went to Sparkle so its pretty busy for milestones. I feel like I should make a bit more of a deal out of it.

So May, June and so far through July has been pretty tough, lots going on and my mood has been up and down. I dont know if how im feeling at the moment is because of work, being trans, getting older, or just generally because of life. Sometimes I just really feel like hiding away, I have no enthusiasm or desire to do anything. But I am obviously aware of this and know I need to change some things.

Ill start off with work. My appeal went through in work and my outcome was deemed too harsh and downgraded to a first written warning, which I still think is unfair but this decision is final. This downgrade may seem like a good thing but I still think there is an agenda against me, and as they have rated this as gross misconduct which can lead to dismissal it does mean I could still be dismissed with one further offense. And the area is so vague it could literally be anything. Im no safer than I was on the final. I still feel like I cant go back and have extended my sick leave. I cant put into words how much I loathe the thought of working there any longer, and how low I get thinking about just walking through the door. The money is good, and that is the only reason ive stayed there for so long but I know I need to start looking elsewhere now. I dont really want to do this line of work any more but only have a handful of GCSEs to my name so dont exactly have a ton of opportunities available to me.

On the t side of things ive been trying so hard over the past few years to find middle ground that would keep the two sides of my life in balance, but I just cant find it. Part of the problem is the compromise I have to come to with my gf. There are things I would love to do physically but I have to maintain enough maleness to keep my gf happy. And as time passes the more my body changes so it becomes more masculine (hair! im growing it and losing it in the wrong places!!!), and the more out of reach this middle ground seems to be. Honestly, if I could be fairly androgynous in appearance to make being able to present acceptably as either gender easier/easy, I think I would be happy with that but the changes required to achieve this would be too much for my other half. I am at a total loss with this. Ive had plenty of good suggestions given to me but none are workable, so its just something im going to have to learn to accept I think. Socially, well I just need to try harder. Its difficult trying to synchronise calendars with people, and I find it really difficult to make new friends. I think I need to start looking at going on a few trips solo because trying to arrange things with others is a bit of a nightmare. Doing something monthly would be perfect for me, rather than once a year.

Im very conscious that to my regular readers I sound like a broken record at this point, all I have been doing on here lately is complain about things without actually doing anything about it. Ive said before that I dont want to be this person, that I want to be proactive and actually make changes to better myself as I have in the past, but finding motivation is difficult when I really just feel like giving up and work has not helped here at all. Ive been off work for 3 weeks now, and ive had plenty of opportunities to be productive but just havent. Now the appeal is out the way and I have a few more weeks off work (minimum) I need to make the most of it. Sort my career out, get my inner girl back, get organised and actually do something.

I will change. I have to.

The Big London Trip

I would have loved this post about my big trip to London to be full of things like: "it was amazing to be out in public as me", "ive never felt free-er", or anything else I usually read elsewhere when they write about this sort of thing, but to be honest the truth was miles away from this. The outcome was not what I expected, and im not sure it is an experience I would want to repeat anytime soon.

This was not the fault of my wonderful companions, J (who came with me to my first night out at BNO) and SH were awesome. Im really glad they made the trip with me, both were very patient and were great company. But, on a personal level I dont feel that putting myself through this weekend was a positive experience, and if anything has left me with more uncertainty than I set out with. The thing is, when I went to Sparkle last year it was out in public, and was something that for its faults I really enjoyed. I was comfortable and happy with being out and about, but this was not the same at all.

Anyway, first here is a rough retelling of the events leading up to and over the weekend, then ill go over the mental gymnastics afterwards.

(This post is likely to be full of contradictions and will probably have a few rambling moments too, please bear with me)

The Lead Up

It was difficult trying to get prepared for the weekend, my shifts at work were pretty solid during the few weeks leading up to it so I had no real time to get organised. I ended up having to book off one more days leave than I wanted to use for the day before I was due to go, just to make sure I had time to at least get some preparation done.

I spent this day getting my upper body waxed, quickly dragging my gf around some shops frantically trying to get some outfits together, going through my clothes trying to find stuff to wear, and packing followed by repacking because of course I couldnt fit everything I wanted to take in my case. As it turns out, the waxing was a waste of time since once again my chest came up in a mass of spots which meant I ended up having to wear high necked clothes anyway. Grrrr.

Friday

I got into London at about 1230 and SH met me at the station. We then tried to make our way across London to our hotel near Oxford St, but got a bit confused by the tube maps! We ended up taking quite a long way around, and had to walk quite a way to get to our destination which considering I had a large backpack and also a case, was no mean feat! J met us at the hotel, and after dropping our stuff off and doing a little unpacking we made our way back towards Oxford St.


Because I was in such a rush I still needed to do a few things before dressing up. So even though they didnt need to do anything, J and SH very patiently came around a few shops with me. I went to boots and used their colour match service to get some new foundation (which is really nice by the way) since my current foundation works very well, but im not sure the skin tone is quite right since the colour always looks a little off. I also picked up some new flats from H&M to wear with my Saturday day outfit, and also went to get my eyebrows threaded at Blinks in John Lewis. Ive never had them done before so this was a new experience for me, also the girl doing it unexpectedly gave me a little head massage at the end which was really, really nice!

We had food out (although I also ended up running back around to boots since I forgot I needed to pick up some mascara) and then we went back to the hotel to change. The plan was to go out into Soho, in particular to a place called Madame Jojo's that someone recommended from Angels forum. We had looked around for other places to go but since we didnt know the area, and from a lack of advertising online, we couldnt really find other places to go.

It was already dark by the time we left the hotel, and it was a colder night than what I was prepared for. We crossed Covent Garden and Soho on foot and made our way towards Madame Jojo's. SH was striding out ahead of us as we made our way across London, this meant that I was able see the occasional double takes and sideways glances that she was attracting. There were not as many as I thought there would be, although SH did mention during the walk that she was getting fed up of people looking at her so maybe I wasnt seeing as many people as she was. For the most part though people were just getting on with whatever they were doing. There were however a lot of people out in various states of rowdiness and this was a little intimidating, however I think this would have been equally as intimidated if I was dressed as a man.

So we got to Madame Jojo's, supposedly this place is T friendly and even has a regular T event there. However, we got to the door only for the bouncer to say "private party tonight" and as we turned away his friend on the door laughed. On their website for that night they advertised a magic show and also a regular music night they do there, there was nothing mentioned about it being a private party that night. As far as we are concerned we were turned away because of how we were dressed, which was bitterly disappointing considering their supposed T credentials. So instead we went to a little gay bar which was next door, and we were the only T girls in there. It was ok, the music swayed from tolerable to cheese to back again fairly quickly, and we just had a few drinks in there and then decided to make our way back to the hotel.

The walk back was colder than it had been earlier in the night, and instead of taking the back streets back we ended up coming out on Oxford St quite a way from the hotel. But because it was so cold we just bared it and faced walking down such a busy high street dressed up!

I was annoyed at how the night turned out, and I think its safe to say that I think J and SH felt the same. 

Saturday

J ended up leaving fairly early on Saturday, she was going to come out with us but decided not to in the end. So after breakfast myself and SH went back out onto Oxford St, I needed to change the shoes I bought for a smaller size (a 6!!!) and also buy a high neck tshirt to cover the spots on my chest I came to realise werent going away. And we also went to see if we could find any casual things for SH to wear on the Saturday day although I dont think her heart was in it really and she didnt end up buying anything.

Throughout our walk it was becoming apparent that the confidence SH had built up was no longer there, and she said she didnt want to dress up for the Saturday daytime. After chatting about it a few times, she agreed to at least dress up ready while I did, and if she still felt like she wasnt up for it I would wait for her to quickly get changed back into her male clothes before we headed out. By the time I was ready she decided she was going to try it. We decided to go for a coffee nearby first before going for the big outing, so we could ease into being out in the daytime.

After the coffee we walked all the way down to Trafalgar Square which was so busy with people we decided to just skim past it and make our way towards the Thames. Being out in the daytime was a completely different experience to the night before. Without the relative safety of nightfall to hide imperfections and also peoples ability to see clearly it makes you very aware of what you are doing, look like, and also the people around you. Like the night before, a lot of people just seemed to not notice or were too polite to look, but quite a few people did and it was a lot more 'in your face'. During out outing I saw a lot of double takes, staring, and even heard people behind me saying things like "thats definitely a bloke!".

When we got to the Thames we crossed over to the Southbank which was an experience, a funnel of people you cant avoid looking at as they pass you. Someone slyly took a photo of me as I passed them as well which I was a bit annoyed about. We stopped for a quick photo opportunity but by the time we get to the south bank I suggested we headed back to the hotel and change back. SH agreed and I think she was equally as happy to do the same. The walk back seemed to take far longer than the walk there, and by the time we got back my feet were hurting because of my new shoes. I was glad to change back.

So, the girls weekend finished early, and the lads carried it on to the end. We went to Camden Lock market, out for food again, then spent the night having one drink in a few of the pubs and bars in Covent Garden before finishing off with a nice curry. We made our way back to the hotel and since SH had to be up early in the morning to catch her train we said our goodbyes.

Whats the Point?

So there were some things I took away from this weekend, some lessons learned, and also more uncertainty about where im going with this whole T second life.

I learned I have far more confidence than I realised, I was quite happy to be out there without a care about what others thought of me. I learned that passing is a myth, unless there has been medical intervention or you were born very lucky, there is no chance at all of 'passing' and you need to be prepared to be scrutinised. I learned that wigs are uncomfortable to wear in the daytime, and also seem to make me feel more fake.

And finally, I learned that I dont think going out in broad daylight and in public is for me. The thing is that confidence is only part of the battle. It was just uncomfortable being under so much scrutiny, of being hyper aware of whats going on around you and how you appear. And apart from the coffee shop (and the lovely polite staff in there as well), I felt intimidated by going into places that were confined and busy which meant we avoided them. Bars and restaurants were off the menu.

Not only that, but to me part of the point of being T is not just wearing the clothes, its trying to get some kind of social interaction and feedback as the gender I am presenting as. But, there is no way I will get that from 'normal' people since most will just not know how to deal with me. Not only that, but I just felt like a fake. I wasnt getting anything that made me feel more connected to my female side at any point throughout the weekend, if anything the opposite was happening. The constant scrutiny was reinforcing the fact that I was definitely not female.

In the end the realisation was that it just isnt worth it.

So what is the point? Where am I going with all this T stuff? I am bored of doing it at home alone, spending hours and a lot of effort getting myself all dressed up for no real reason. I dont like the 'scene' places either, where I feel like the people there (and not only some of the T people) just seem to pander unnecessarily to the stereotypes inflicted upon then. But then it seems that going out in public is also not enjoyable either.

Maybe I was just being too ambitious. But, I cant think of any other options.

Cant Escape

Today has not been a fun day at all. Im off work this weekend, and today me and my gf planned to go into town to grab some food and hit a few shops. I wasnt too bad when I first got up but this changed in the shower.

I always wear clothes that cover my body. Long arm t-shirts and trousers, and at night long arm pyjama tops and bottoms as well. When I get changed I never inspect my body in the mirror, its a quick change to cover it back up. Obviously when I have to shower its more difficult to do this. If I have to be somewhere (like work) then its not too bad because I just quickly get it over with because I have to be somewhere. When I have a bit of time to properly shower though (like today) I find myself just standing in the shower with my head leaning forward against the door almost in a daze, just looking down at my body while studying the hair, the spots (that I got from shaving) and the pot belly, and hating all of it. Im stuck with this, im really stuck with it and I hate it. And im getting older and its growing more and more. My body is deteriorating and the testosterone is causing more changes in the wrong direction.

Suffice to say by the time I got out of the shower my mood had dropped considerably and this had a knock on effect today.

Ive decided I hate shopping with my gf as well. One thing I thought might get better when I came out to my gf would be going shopping. Being able to take interest in what she buys as well as being able to pick up some things myself. As ive found though, it hasnt worked like that and I just seem to get more frustrated every time I go out with her. She doesnt mind me shopping for 'girl things' with her, and she actively mentions it during shopping, but I have some issues.

It feels like torture sometimes being dragged around clothes shops. In the mens shops I just dont feel like I 'fit in' at all. In the ladies shops. I still feel like a bloke getting dragged around the shop, and not a participant. I cant look like im totally engaged shopping for myself, I still have to hang around outside the changing room bored out of my mind while she is trying things on, and I have a real problem picking things out while she is there because she just tends to shoot them down, and this has had a knock on effect on my confidence. I have no problem shopping for myself, by myself but I find it really difficult when she is around. I just get really really frustrated and annoyed.

Usually I can put up with the shopping and sometimes I can enjoy it, but after the low start this morning ive just been completely miserable today. To the point where we ended up leaving town early and coming home because I was in such a mood. Im still feeling crap now.

I dont know, lately I think ive been feeling lower than usual. Im so unhappy with everything at the moment and I just cant find enjoyment in life at all.

Grinding Me Down

The past week or two has been pretty tough, and today I have been noticing things and ways of thinking that I havent done since I was off work with my depression. Replaying recent social faux-pas and embarrasments in my head and getting wound up by them, cursing to myself, difficulty finding motivation to do anything, feeling pretty miserable, etc.

There are a number of factors at play here I think....

1 - Work is really irritating me. Strangely the work itself isnt the culprit this time, its the people I have to manage. Over the past year and a half as people have left and new people have joined, I just seem to have been left with a bunch of loud, immature drama queens, and its really getting to me. They arent all this bad, but about half of them are really beginning to stress me out for one reason or another. Managing kids (well, early twenties) is not fun. I feel like a teacher or even a babysitter sometimes and ive got more important things I could be doing.

2 - Its my grandads 80th birthday in April. He moved to Peterborough long before I can even remember, and in my 31 years alive ive only met him two or three times, the last time being probably about 15 years ago, if not more. In fact its been so long I cant even remember his name. My mum is planning on her, me, my brother and our partners to all go and visit as a surprise, and is being very insistent that I go. Im finding it really difficult to bring myself to attend. The social anxiety is back in force again and im ashamed to say im looking for any excuse not to go.

3 - Ive just been to the dentist today and they told me I have to have a wisdom tooth out, and the decay is so bad that it will have to be surgically removed. This will be the third tooth ive had to have pulled out (not including the two root canals ive had done as well), so this was marvelous news. And when I told my gf over the phone she laughed at me, I assume she was expecting me to be amused at the state of my teeth. Clearly, I wasnt. In fact, ive been pretty disheartened today. I had so many plans but instead spent it lying down on the couch doing as little as possible.

Ive documented a number of times on here about my dislike for what I was born with, and the continuing decay of it is not helping.

4 - Its nearly the end of the second month of the year and I still havent got my t-life in gear. March and April are looking like they will be busy months so I really need to do something! Ive got a weekend off this weekend and my gf is away, I think I need to do something special and treat myself in some way, or something....

Stupid Compromises

Next week on Friday me and my gf are going to Bristol for the day, with the aim of meeting some friends when they finish work for some food and a catch up. The day before this I have also been invited to go to Gloscats (a T social night, also in Bristol) with a friend as well. When I told my gf about this and asked if she would have any problems with me going, she said that she was fine with it but she didnt want me to remove my arm hair or do my eyebrows in case our friends the following night notice.

This kind of threw me a bit. She has never mentioned anything about having a problem with me removing my arm hair before as long as I dont do it all the time, and I certainly dont go mad on my eyebrows either. And truth be told the more I thought about it, the more I got annoyed with her.

I get fed up of compromising. I know its all part of being in a relationship and she didnt ask for this and blah blah blah. I have no intention of outing myself to people, especially by doing things to myself that cant be explained away. Fuck it, if I want to shave my body and someone asks why I do it, the simple answer is I feel cleaner, I like it, im 31 years old and I do what I want. If someone wants to ask why I pluck my eyebrows, again, im 31 years old, and if I dont groom them I look like an old wizard! Which I hate!

I dont set any rules to how she presents herself, how is it fair that she can to me. Its the age old expectation that im a man so I can only groom certain things otherwise its just not 'manly', just like society expects I have to like sports, cars, etc just because ive got a dick.

Ive gone into shutdown mode, im not talking to her about it and im just moping around the house. I almost cant believe how wound up ive gotten over this. Of course I havent done the adult thing and actually talked about this with her. Ive just been miserable for two days now, to the point I have wasted yet another day off work that could have been spent dressing up.

I cant believe how lucky I am to have someone in my life who I love more than anything, and has been reasonably accepting of this side of me too. At the same time, sometimes I cant help but think this would be far easier without her. And I hate myself for thinking this.

Sleep

It seems I dont like sleeping anymore, even when exhausted I just dont want to go to bed. And when I do have to get up for work im finding it increasingly difficult to find the willpower. I almost called in sick the other day rather than face going to work, and ive been consistently late.

Clearly im not in a right place at the moment once again.

Counselling

I dropped off my counselling referral letter at my GPs office today, ive been waiting about 6 months so far and now have to wait another 3. Im expecting to get another letter in 3 months saying ive got to wait again.

So im trying to stick to the positives. Im going out next week, this is good and should be seen as a good thing. What shall I wear that covers what I need to? What the hell am I going to do about my eyebrows?

Counselling Referral

Its been 6 months since I told my GP about what I was going through at the time, and when she referred me to counselling she said the waiting list would be about 6 months. After a few months I hadnt heard anything and thought that they must have lost the letter I returned or they forgot about me. However this week a letter arrived from my GP saying I was still on the list, asking if I still needed the counselling, and if that was the case then to return the letter but that the wait would be about another 3 months!

Im in two minds really. I know im in a far better place than I was 6 months ago with regards to how I feel about my gender, but im not perfect. There is still an underlying sadness but it isnt as in my face as it was before, its definitely bearable. But how do I know im not going to go back 'there' in future?

I suppose im more frustrated at life than I am with my gender at the moment. Im still yet to start a lot of my new years resolutions, the ones I have started have crashed and burned very quickly.

Im planning on (hopefully) going to London at some point soon for a t-girls weekend, theres still details to iron out but it could be a lot of fun. However the girls I am planning it with live on the other side of the country to me, and while the occasional trip with them would be brilliant, I need something more regular and local-ish too to give me some regular girl time.

I sound like a broken record, skipping over the same frustrations time and time again. I know im the only one that can do something about it but I just havent had time to sit down and properly plan.

Regret

I dont really have time to post properly since I have work first thing in the morning, but I just wanted to get a quick thing down for future pondering, brought on by a recent message from a friend.

Part of my conversation with my mum the other day was around regret, where we talked about the one and only thing she regrets in her life (which I wont be going into on here), of course the conversation turned to me and she asked if I have any. My answer was vague and along the lines of none really, and then I steered it towards the little intense things I used to get that were tied in with my depression last year. But of course, me having no regrets is a lie.

I do. I have massive regrets, lots of them, and lots of trans ones too. And one that has cropped up over the past few nights is regret about not doing anything about my trans-side when I started to become aware of it in my teens. Regret that I didnt go to my doctor and tell them of my desire to change gender, regret of all the things I could have done if I actually got of my bum and did something rather than be my usual lazy self. The things I could have experienced, what I could be doing now. It makes me really sad to think like this and every night over the past few days this thought process has repeated itself.

This Time... Its Me...

Fuck it.

I was meant to be going to Bristol tonight to Gloscats with a few people, this was going to be my first opportunity to go to a local-ish trans social group in an effort to try and expand my circle of friends. Ive spent all afternoon planning, sorting, packing, re-packing, pruning, grooming, shaving, plucking and more. But now im not going, and this time im doing it to myself.

There have been so many failed plans in the past but this time im going to be the one that lets everyone down. Since coming to terms with this side of me two years ago I have never backed out of a meet intentionally. As much as it was against my nature I always pushed myself out that door in an effort to force myself past any barriers I would normally put up in front of myself. Ive been to meet random people in their houses for the first time. Ive been dressed in front of my gf. Ive been clubbing. Ive even been outside in broad daylight in the middle of a city. Today though, I just cant do it.

I am so annoyed. So, so annoyed.

Ive spent a significant part of the afternoon looking in the mirror, trying but failing to soften my masculinity. Gradually as the afternoon has worn on ive just reached a point of giving up. There is hair everywhere and my arms and tops of my chest are raw from trying to shave it all off, but still the hair persists. Patches of long hair where the razors wouldnt catch them, patches of stubble beyond the razors reach but visible under the skin, and patches of redness and blood where my razor got too close. My face is covered in cuts and is raw from trying to get a close shave, yet even though my face feels relatively smooth around the spots of dried blood I can still see the little black spots of my beard under the skin, taunting me. And when it came to shaping my eyebrows I just thought what is the point.

Looking in the mirror and seeing this mess in front of me, still hairy from my chest down, patchy, blotchy and spotty on my arms and from the chest up, has just made me so annoyed. After spending hours trying to prune back the signs of an ageing male ive given up. If I was just dressing at home I would probably not see it as big as an issue, but im meant to be going out in public and I just feel like a mess. Am I aiming to high I really dont know, but I dont want to be seen as a 'bad tranny', I want to look the best I can and im just not feeling like im there, in fact I feel that im not even close.

I know this is covering old ground but im so angry about this I just need to vent again. I dont think my recent state of mind has helped things really either.

A Few Random Things Update

Im sorry for not replying to those of you who commented on my last post, its just been a bit of a manic week and I havent really been keeping up to date on here.

Last Wednesday I had my GP appointment and told her about the side effects id been having and she said I needed to come off what id been taking. The option was given to change medication to something else but with how crazy the side effects had been I said I wanted to try and come off the anti-depressants entirely for a little bit to try and clear my head, but if I start feeling really low again then I would consider something else. On Wednesday I dropped my dose down to 1 a day, and starting Wednesday I will drop it again to 1 every other day and just take it from there really. Since reducing the dose the dreams have still been as intense and crazy as ever, however the bouncing around in bed as I sleep thankfully seems to have calmed right down and all I do at the moment is still talk in my sleep. Im hoping this will also die down as time goes on.

On Friday I already started to feel the effects of the ADs reducing, and I cant say it is for the better. My general mood has been lower than it has recently, and while ive been able to put on a brave face inside has been a different story. I wont go so far as to say im feeling the depression again, but im feeling generally pretty indifferent to life at the moment, and the lump in my throat seems to come back from time to time too. The only exception to this was Saturday night.

On Saturday night I went out clubbing for the first time in probably a year or more, and I loved it. Sadly I went as a bloke but I was happy for the chance to blow off some steam. One of my favourite old school UK Hard Trance DJs was booked to play at a local night and me and my gf went out for a dance. We didnt bother trying to meet up with old friends or anything, we just turned up, had some drinks and danced like mad for hours. Its been a long time since ive heard music like that and even longer since I heard music like that on a club sound system, and it made me realise how much I miss clubbing. On the flip side of this though I also had the odd bout of dysphoria to get through too. There were too many trendy girls dressed the way I would want to dress to go out clubbing, and on occasion it really put me off although for the most part I just concentrated on the alcohol and music to relative success. That night made me realise that I think my 'raving years' were an effort to try and bury this side of me. For many, many years music, partying, and drugs were the centre of my life. They were the only things I concentrated on and while I had bouts of thoughts about wanting to be a girl, they were nowhere near as extended and severe as before or after.

On Sunday me and my gf went into town and did some shopping, went for food, and generally had a relaxing day. I bought some new clothes which are really nice, however when it came to trying them on today almost none of them fit right, it is so frustrating!!! I was going to dress up today (again) but got so annoyed it put me right off. Im fed up of this, I just wish my shoulders werent so bloody huge!

And finally, ive had an idea for a trans* website that as far as I can see hasnt been done before. Ive gone so far as to brainstorm a few ideas but am really not sure where to start on setting it up. Problems I will have are actually creating it, hosting it, spreading the word, monetizing it, and so on. Im not too fussed on making any kind of profit, but I think I will need to stump up some cash to initially buy the website template, and also to host it too so am more bothered about covering those costs really. If anyone has any insights or experience in doing this I would love some advice!

Gotta Stop

Well, the past few weeks have been an interesting experience. Since upping my dose nearly a month ago the medication has been having some adverse effects. Once they started bedding in, every night for weeks now I have been having the most vivid, crazy, lucid, random, intense dreams I have ever had. Ever. Theyve been great fun and as long as they dont turn to nightmares id be happy for them to continue. The problem is that I am also grinding my teeth really hard and fidgeting like crazy in bed every night as well, which means im hurting my teeth and jaw,  im not really resting properly, and I also keep waking my gf up. The other night I was kicked out of bed at 1.30am because she had had enough of me bouncing around.

Ive got a GP appointment again this week, im thinking of asking to be taken off them totally and see how that goes. Im fed up of having a cloudy head and feeling tired all the time. I am physically and mentally exhausted, and at this point id rather be miserable than this tired!

"Be True To Who You Are..."

The title of this post is a line my GP said today during another of my follow up appointments. Its a line that stuck in my head because on reflection, I dont know who I am anymore. Maybe I never did. My heads been trying to make sense of this gender crap for so long now that ive lost sight of where I came from and where I need to go.

When asked if I wasnt with my partner where do I think I would be now, I gave the same answer that I gave my counsellor last year when she asked the same question: "id probably have started self-medding hormones a long time ago". This is an accurate answer, but after thinking about it afterwards, would I have been doing it for the right reasons? I really dont know. I found it difficult to have a proper conversation with my GP about it, mostly because it was too early in the morning for me and I just couldnt engage my brain to consider my responses and properly convey what I wanted to say.

I see myself as me. A male me. A man me. A hairy, sweaty, lazy, miserable, ageing, masculine me. This is who I am, but I hate it. Equally, I long to be female. I cant begin to describe how badly I want it some days. Every waking moment filled with thoughts of what life could be like, and filled with envy, jealousy, depression and frustration whenever I think about or see the fairer sex, or those that have transitioned to join them. Do I hate the male me because I feel like I should be a woman? I dont think so no. I think I hate it because it makes it more difficult for me to become my female self when I need to. All that bloody hair, horrible skin, veins sticking out, knobbly joints and sticky out bones. All the things that are tell tale signs of testosterone infestation are things that I hate about myself. But, these are all physical signs. I think like a man, I behave like a man, I talk like a man, and it seems that all of the mental aspects im ok with. If I could just stay as I am and swap bodies I would be happy.

I think time is a factor, its slipping away at an accelerated rate and as it passes more issues have to be considered, and in turn stressing me out more. Ive been with my partner for 10 years, she is approaching the point where she will want children, probably soon. I need to have this gender conflict resolved so it can either give her an opportunity for a clean break and a chance to find someone else before time runs out for her, or know that I will be in a stable enough position to be able to stay with her and have kids together, without worrying about succumbing to GD. In an ideal world I would love to stay with her regardless of what direction I go in but I already know that transitioning would mean the end of us.

Bottom line. I want to manage this, and this is what I told my GP. Drugs, counselling, CBT, whatever it takes. Transition is a last resort for when all else fails.

But just typing the above sentence is making me feel like im making a mistake, its making me feel sad. But I dont think I could deal with the social suicide of going full time. Im not under any illusion of being able to pass, I wont. The testosterone has done its damage over the years and it will be plainly obvious to all what I used to be. Being an outcast, always being seen as different by friends and family, this makes me feel sadder. It just seems ive got to decide between 2 pretty shitty outcomes, neither im going to be completely happy with.

I just dont have the time to figure this out, and this adds to the pressure.

Frustration

So the last few days have been particularly difficult. The GD has been coming back with a vengeance, and in turn the low moods that come with it. I dont think the anti depressants have been working as well as they should do anymore. Ive just not been able to switch off, and have felt like crap because of it.

The morning walk to work has always been particularly difficult even since being on the happy pills, especially now since my walkman doesnt work anymore so I literally have no distraction on the 35 min walk. However when I get to work I can usually busy myself and then forget about it within about 10-15 mins. Yesterday though I couldnt shake it and its stuck with me pretty much since then. The slight feeling of wanting to cry all the time (one of the things which prompted me to go to my GP last time) has been there pretty consistently up until now, and ive also been miserable, depressed, demotivated and snappy. Ive had urges to hit things, urges to just stop walking, give up and drop to the floor, urges to shout out in frustration, and so on.

I hate this. Im in a rut and I need to be more proactive. The only way im going to figure this side of me out is by giving it more room. I havent done anything since Sparkle, I talk about going out more regularly and have done for ages, but actually havent got off my arse to do it. To figure out where the events are, when they are on, the logistics of getting there, and so on.

I need to set myself a deadline. By the end of next week im going to aim to have a plan in place. Some places to go, some people to meet, something to do, and how to go about it.

This Morning I Told My GP

So, this morning I told my GP. The wait to see her took forever, and every time a name was called up over the tannoy my anxiety ratcheted up a notch which considering I waited for 45 mins, meant I worked myself up quite a lot before getting to see her. When I finally sat down with her I told her how ive been feeling over the past 3-4 weeks, depressed, on the verge of tears, low self esteem, difficulty being motivated or concentrating, and so on.

Considering I was off work previously with work related stress the obvious starting point for her was to ask how it was going, which all things considered it is ok. Its never going to be stress free since this is the nature of the job but comparing now to what it was like last year it is so much better, and I am happier there too. However what im feeling now is a lot different to what I had last year. Less stress, more emotion.

So she then asked about my private life, and this was my opening. So, my hands waved around and my mouth opened and closed a few times while I considered where and how to start before I told her that ive been struggling with what I believe is Gender Dysphoria, and that lately its been difficult to manage. It was at this point I almost cried a bit, that lump in my throat that has been there for weeks almost gave way. I told her I was a practicing Transvestite which sometimes helps and that the last few years I have been trying to manage it but recently have been struggling to.

I forget exactly how the conversation went. We talked about me coming to realise it wasnt going away, getting some clothes in to try and explore things, telling my girlfriend, how I thought things were getting better, and even briefly Sparkle too. I talked about the thoughts that never go away, the white noise in my head, the fact it gets in the way, and the frustration and obsessing. I also told her I have looked into self-medding a few times over the years too (which I dont think ive admitted to anyone before). In an effort to assure me I suppose she told me that they do have some Transgender patients who go there so they do have some experience in dealing with people like me.

She asked what I want to do, I said I want to manage it. I dont want to transition or anything like that, she kind of looked surprised at this. She asked if my partner wasnt in the picture would I be giving the same answer, and I probably wouldnt be. Like I said to the counsellor I went to see last year, if I wasnt with her id probably be on a very different path now. She asked if I have told her how ive been feeling, and I havent. She is a worrier, and someone I love very much. If I told her all it would do is fuel her paranoia of me wanting to go FT, which if I ever did it would mean the end of our relationship, which is the last thing I want. Im confident there must be a way of living with this.

My GP said if I had walked in and said something like: "I want to be a woman" she would have referred me but since im not in a position where I know what I need, she couldnt, which is fair enough. Ive been signed onto the waiting list to speak to an NHS counsellor which will take about 6 months, for the depression she has given me anti-depressants which unlike last year I have accepted this time, and I have to go back and speak to her in a few weeks time.

Ive missed a lot of the conversation out to be honest, im never good at remembering the details but above is the general gist of it.

Did I leave feeling relieved, elated, or cured? No. I was going to dress up today, I bought a few new dresses from New Look yesterday too and wanted to try them on but I feel so low and demotivated im just not in the mood at all. But at least im in the system now, I have a doctor I can talk to about it. Something is happening.

Low-Mo Update

The past few days in work has been a nightmare. I wake up ok, start feeeling crappy on the way into work, and then this continues for most of the day. I cant concentrate, im procrastinating like mad, im just spending my days sat there staring into space when I should be working. When I do try and work I cant keep it up for long before I have to take a break and hide in the loo for 5 mins while I get my act together. Just to make things worse yesterday at two seperate times through the day I had two members of my team in absolute tears due to personal issues at home, which obviously cant be helped but really was the last thing I needed yesterday. I wasnt in the mood to be empathetic, or patient. Im a manager not a bloody counsellor, and ive got my own stuff to work through at the moment.

Conversation easily distracts, so when I get home it usually does calm down a little. But when I am in work and at a time where I cant really talk to my team, my mind wanders and I start feeling really crappy about myself.

Ive got a GP appointment booked in for tomorrow where I shall be telling her I think my depression is coming back. I shall also be telling her about being Transgender too as I do feel the two are linked, unless of course I chicken out! And no, I dont feel its anything to do with some kind of a Sparkle come-down, although that probably hasnt helped. I was noticing some of my depression 'tics' about a week or two before Sparkle, and my GD has been kicking right off as well since before that.

Hair. Girls hair seems to be my thing lately. I shave my head as it is receeding a little at the front, plus my girlfriend doesnt like long hair on men, but whenever I see long hair on a girl (which is quite a lot surprisingly!) it really makes me feel bad about myself. I want it! I want long hair, I want to wear it up, I want to tie it back and leave some bangs or a fringe sweeping across my face, I want it blonde, brown, black and/or red, I want it straightened and/or curly. It doesnt seem to matter, but it seems to the thing defining my feminine desires at the moment, and it is so frustrating!

In other news, as of yesterday we now have a cat. Well, a kitten. Its currently lying on the couch next to me sleeping but it does seem to like hunting my feet with its claws and teeth out, which is quite annoying! Its a tabby that we havent named yet, and we also dont know what sex it is either until we have been able to get it to the vets for its jabs. Suggestions for cute cat names are welcome!

Post Sparkle Blues

Well this week I have gradually been feeling worse and worse about myself. Ive put off writing this for a few days because I want to try and avoid typing 'rage-posts' like I used to when feeling low, at the same time the problem with this is I have forgotten some of clarity of my thoughts and feelings over the past week.

For maybe a week or two before Sparkle, I started noticing on occasions I would exhibit some of the little behaviours I used to have when I had depression. Putting myself down while saying it out loud, occasional low mood for no apparent reason, difficulty sleeping, irritability, etc. These mostly dissapeared over Sparkle weekend, apart from the occasional talking to myself moment I was happy. Post sparkle though, they are back and I have noticed other symptoms too. Feeling really miserable, short temper, feeling like I want to cry for no apparent reason and more. Not only that, but these are coupled with obsessive thoughts over my T side, hating the male characteristics showing through after being groomed for sparkle (body hair regrowth, horrible skin, etc), and feeling off physically, which I can only describe as feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Sometimes, specifically in work I can be distracted from most of what I am feeling, or at least can put on a front. Other times I have to take extra breaks because I just feel so off and I cant concentrate on what I am supposed to be doing.

This is the final straw I think, im going to book a GP appointment this week. Either my depression is coming back or my GD is getting worse, or both. This time though work is not the culprit since I have been relatively happy there for a while, which means im going to have to tell my GP about Aimee. Im fed up of feeling like this. I can go ages feeling fine and then for no apparent reason my 'I want to be a woman' thoughts are back and im miserable. I need to do something about it.

I was meant to be going to a house warming party tonight but cancelled because im not exactly in a social-able mood, I ended up having a little argument with my girlfriend over it because this is turning into a regular thing now where my social anxiety has got in the way of things and ive deliberately made excuses not to go (not telling her about the anxiety though). This time however its a little different.

Whose Side Am I On?

I had an incident in work today that was awkward for me to deal with. As soon as one of the girls on my team thrust the open magazine in my face and said something along the lines of "do you think she is fit?", I knew this might be a little awkward. I recognised the girl on the page, she was someone I had already seen a story about a month previously on the internet, and the story was about her successful transition from boy to woman.

The girl on my team was trying to 'trip me up' in the same way she had just done to several others on my team into saying they fancied someone who 'is actually a man'. Now, I was suddenly faced with a dilemma. The topic is very close to one of my biggest secrets and im very conscious of what I say and do whenever it comes up because I dont want to give the game away, but I had mere seconds to come to a decision about what to say, and im not exactly proud of my response: "he". I could have played along, and just had a laugh at my expense for a few minutes but instead some twisted form of pride got in my way and regrettably on the spur of the moment I panicked and opted to save face.

I explained I had seen the story previously and wasnt going to fall foul of her game, but then of course the obvious happened and members of my team started chatting about a few people they know who crossdress. Regardless of my response, this would have happened anyway im sure. I didnt hear a lot of the comments, but I did hear the odd one: "Yeah, he wears womens underwear and everything", "thats just weird", (referring back to the magazine) "I cant believe thats a man, look you can still see his willy in his knickers", and so on.

I felt really uncomfortable, and it does seem to be happening on a semi-regular basis these days. If its not dealing with media portrayals of Transvestites (Just-Eat & Bet Victor adverts are the worst for me at the moment, I cant help but feel they are a reflection on me), its the topic being brought up by friends from time to time. Another example is about a month ago we had some friends stay at ours after going to see Eddie Izzard, soon after their arrival they started chatting about him being a Transvestite, and spent a good 30-45 mins speculating in a manner that gave the impression they thought it was a bit freaky. Of course, I didnt say very much and me and my partner gave knowing glances across the room from time to time.

I never know what to say or do in these circumstances. I read all these blogs online by people who take a stand for what they believe in whenever they are challenged, and I have a lot of respect for these people and feel obligated to do the same. To try and defend those who are like me and try to make those who are uninformed understand were not some sideshow freaks. Realistically though, ive got to look after number one. Its selfish but im not and do not intend to out myself to friends in the near future, if anything it could cost me my relationship with my girlfriend and that is far too important to me. I cant go down the route of defending and informing without giving away the fact that I know far more than I should, which means I cant do anything other than sit there and listen while my friends talk about people who are trans* in a frank manner, which im sure they wouldnt do if they knew they were talking about me too.

I would love to have been able to sit down with my team today to challenge their misinformed views and try to have made them a little more open minded. I wish I had not responded the way I did, it is extremely disrespectful and only served the purpose of reinforcing to the others in the group the fact that she was born a male, and not who she is now as a person. Instead, I just sat at my desk and just waited for the conversation to die out so the topic would change.