Well, this has been an introspective month, I think I may have started a mini-mid-life-crisis.
I have a couple of drafts saved on here that ive typed up over the last month, that I decided against posting because they were incredibly negative. Ive been reflecting a lot on the direction my life is taking and how unhappy I am about it. How I have no actual career prospects, how I have isolated myself from friends over the years, the missed opportunities, how I am still trying to balance my trans life, and how even after all this I just have no motivation and find it really difficult to see a way out. At one stage I felt a little overwhelmed, but im now trying to stay positive about it all and concentrate on the things I actually have done this month.
My CV is out there now, I have started applying but know I could apply for more. Its just difficult to motivate myself around the antisocial hours I work. As for what im applying for, well, itll hardly be what I want in a career. Ill probably end up in another call centre job but for now I just want to get out of my current workplace. Ill worry about the career later.
As for my friends, well I dropped off the radar a few years ago when I was struggling with depression, and then I was devoting so much personal time to this trans thing that I never really reconnected with anyone. Recently though I have started to reach out to a few people again. It feels like its been so long though it feels a little awkward. Still, at least there is progress.
The trans-life balance... As much as it irritates me I rarely dress up at all, the effort I have to go through is just too much to maintain. Im still buying the odd item of clothing, and lately I have been looking for things that are casual and also cover up as much as possible. Hopefully this will help since it will take less effort to look the part. Ive also been re-evaluating my image, and have decided that if im never going to pass then I should at least try and embrace who I am a little more. I decided to stop wearing breastforms (although may get them out for special events) and just use chicken fillets for a little shape. Basically, I just want to be more authentic in my appearance to what I am, a part time girl, rather than a wannabe-woman.
I still need to make more trans-time though, and actually do something with it. I miss it.
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Sunday, 8 February 2015
Friday, 11 July 2014
3 Years Ago Today
3 years ago today my first ever batch of womens clothing and 'trans accessories' arrived in the post. My girlfriend was away with her parents for the week and I had finally given in to the thoughts that were constantly plaguing me about ignoring a massive part of who I am and the regret this could cause. When the package arrived I was so excited and spent ages in front of the mirror trying something on, then trying something else on, then trying the first thing back on and so on. I didnt make the best choices in clothing. I had to try and keep it cheap so the quality wasnt the best but it didnt matter at the time. They were mine and they enabled me to actually see this other side to my identity in front of my own eyes, and get that one step closer to my dream. I felt so happy.
I had arranged to meet another t-girl to dress up and chat with the following weekend. This was my first interaction with someone like me and I was nervous, and was very quiet. I had bought makeup but had never used it before, and used it for the first time while I was there. Im sure I looked like a clown and luckily, there are no photos! During our conversation she surprised me with a question, asking if or when I planned on telling my gf. Up to that point I hadnt really thought about it, but decided that I would give it one year and if after that year I decided I wasnt going to be able to stop dressing up then I would tell her. And well, we all know what happened there.
Throughout the upcoming year I dressed up every chance I got and also met another t-girl who let me dress at hers. It was all so liberating and I looked forward to each and every opportunity I could get. As the end of the year came up I realised I couldn't turn my back on this, and knew full well what I promised myself when this journey started.
When I did come out to my gf the following year I took a massive risk, one im glad I took. But I anticipated a payoff that was worthwhile, but over the years this hasnt come into fruition like I thought it would. I had big plans for what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go and to an extent I have ticked some quite major achievements off my trans-to-do list. But I still feel like im cut off from the world, that im not where I need to be, that I dont do this enough, and it bugs me. Hugely. Ive certainly hit a few milestones over the last few years but I have achieved so little in quantity.
So yeah, July is the month I have two birthdays. I turned 32 near the beginning of this month, but I didnt do anything to celebrate. We sat in, had takeaway pizza and watched the final Batman movie from the dark knight trilogy (which looks amazing on my new TV btw). Ive got no party planned or anything, with all the stuff thats been going on and the general mood I am in I just dont really feel like celebrating. As I mentioned previously today my female side is 3 years old and equally I dont feel like celebrating that either, I wish there was something I could do to celebrate it though but cant really come up with anything. July is also the month I went to a dressing service and saw my female side properly for the first time, the month I came out to my partner and also the month I went to Sparkle so its pretty busy for milestones. I feel like I should make a bit more of a deal out of it.
So May, June and so far through July has been pretty tough, lots going on and my mood has been up and down. I dont know if how im feeling at the moment is because of work, being trans, getting older, or just generally because of life. Sometimes I just really feel like hiding away, I have no enthusiasm or desire to do anything. But I am obviously aware of this and know I need to change some things.
Ill start off with work. My appeal went through in work and my outcome was deemed too harsh and downgraded to a first written warning, which I still think is unfair but this decision is final. This downgrade may seem like a good thing but I still think there is an agenda against me, and as they have rated this as gross misconduct which can lead to dismissal it does mean I could still be dismissed with one further offense. And the area is so vague it could literally be anything. Im no safer than I was on the final. I still feel like I cant go back and have extended my sick leave. I cant put into words how much I loathe the thought of working there any longer, and how low I get thinking about just walking through the door. The money is good, and that is the only reason ive stayed there for so long but I know I need to start looking elsewhere now. I dont really want to do this line of work any more but only have a handful of GCSEs to my name so dont exactly have a ton of opportunities available to me.
On the t side of things ive been trying so hard over the past few years to find middle ground that would keep the two sides of my life in balance, but I just cant find it. Part of the problem is the compromise I have to come to with my gf. There are things I would love to do physically but I have to maintain enough maleness to keep my gf happy. And as time passes the more my body changes so it becomes more masculine (hair! im growing it and losing it in the wrong places!!!), and the more out of reach this middle ground seems to be. Honestly, if I could be fairly androgynous in appearance to make being able to present acceptably as either gender easier/easy, I think I would be happy with that but the changes required to achieve this would be too much for my other half. I am at a total loss with this. Ive had plenty of good suggestions given to me but none are workable, so its just something im going to have to learn to accept I think. Socially, well I just need to try harder. Its difficult trying to synchronise calendars with people, and I find it really difficult to make new friends. I think I need to start looking at going on a few trips solo because trying to arrange things with others is a bit of a nightmare. Doing something monthly would be perfect for me, rather than once a year.
Im very conscious that to my regular readers I sound like a broken record at this point, all I have been doing on here lately is complain about things without actually doing anything about it. Ive said before that I dont want to be this person, that I want to be proactive and actually make changes to better myself as I have in the past, but finding motivation is difficult when I really just feel like giving up and work has not helped here at all. Ive been off work for 3 weeks now, and ive had plenty of opportunities to be productive but just havent. Now the appeal is out the way and I have a few more weeks off work (minimum) I need to make the most of it. Sort my career out, get my inner girl back, get organised and actually do something.
I will change. I have to.
I had arranged to meet another t-girl to dress up and chat with the following weekend. This was my first interaction with someone like me and I was nervous, and was very quiet. I had bought makeup but had never used it before, and used it for the first time while I was there. Im sure I looked like a clown and luckily, there are no photos! During our conversation she surprised me with a question, asking if or when I planned on telling my gf. Up to that point I hadnt really thought about it, but decided that I would give it one year and if after that year I decided I wasnt going to be able to stop dressing up then I would tell her. And well, we all know what happened there.
Throughout the upcoming year I dressed up every chance I got and also met another t-girl who let me dress at hers. It was all so liberating and I looked forward to each and every opportunity I could get. As the end of the year came up I realised I couldn't turn my back on this, and knew full well what I promised myself when this journey started.
When I did come out to my gf the following year I took a massive risk, one im glad I took. But I anticipated a payoff that was worthwhile, but over the years this hasnt come into fruition like I thought it would. I had big plans for what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go and to an extent I have ticked some quite major achievements off my trans-to-do list. But I still feel like im cut off from the world, that im not where I need to be, that I dont do this enough, and it bugs me. Hugely. Ive certainly hit a few milestones over the last few years but I have achieved so little in quantity.
So yeah, July is the month I have two birthdays. I turned 32 near the beginning of this month, but I didnt do anything to celebrate. We sat in, had takeaway pizza and watched the final Batman movie from the dark knight trilogy (which looks amazing on my new TV btw). Ive got no party planned or anything, with all the stuff thats been going on and the general mood I am in I just dont really feel like celebrating. As I mentioned previously today my female side is 3 years old and equally I dont feel like celebrating that either, I wish there was something I could do to celebrate it though but cant really come up with anything. July is also the month I went to a dressing service and saw my female side properly for the first time, the month I came out to my partner and also the month I went to Sparkle so its pretty busy for milestones. I feel like I should make a bit more of a deal out of it.
So May, June and so far through July has been pretty tough, lots going on and my mood has been up and down. I dont know if how im feeling at the moment is because of work, being trans, getting older, or just generally because of life. Sometimes I just really feel like hiding away, I have no enthusiasm or desire to do anything. But I am obviously aware of this and know I need to change some things.
Ill start off with work. My appeal went through in work and my outcome was deemed too harsh and downgraded to a first written warning, which I still think is unfair but this decision is final. This downgrade may seem like a good thing but I still think there is an agenda against me, and as they have rated this as gross misconduct which can lead to dismissal it does mean I could still be dismissed with one further offense. And the area is so vague it could literally be anything. Im no safer than I was on the final. I still feel like I cant go back and have extended my sick leave. I cant put into words how much I loathe the thought of working there any longer, and how low I get thinking about just walking through the door. The money is good, and that is the only reason ive stayed there for so long but I know I need to start looking elsewhere now. I dont really want to do this line of work any more but only have a handful of GCSEs to my name so dont exactly have a ton of opportunities available to me.
On the t side of things ive been trying so hard over the past few years to find middle ground that would keep the two sides of my life in balance, but I just cant find it. Part of the problem is the compromise I have to come to with my gf. There are things I would love to do physically but I have to maintain enough maleness to keep my gf happy. And as time passes the more my body changes so it becomes more masculine (hair! im growing it and losing it in the wrong places!!!), and the more out of reach this middle ground seems to be. Honestly, if I could be fairly androgynous in appearance to make being able to present acceptably as either gender easier/easy, I think I would be happy with that but the changes required to achieve this would be too much for my other half. I am at a total loss with this. Ive had plenty of good suggestions given to me but none are workable, so its just something im going to have to learn to accept I think. Socially, well I just need to try harder. Its difficult trying to synchronise calendars with people, and I find it really difficult to make new friends. I think I need to start looking at going on a few trips solo because trying to arrange things with others is a bit of a nightmare. Doing something monthly would be perfect for me, rather than once a year.
Im very conscious that to my regular readers I sound like a broken record at this point, all I have been doing on here lately is complain about things without actually doing anything about it. Ive said before that I dont want to be this person, that I want to be proactive and actually make changes to better myself as I have in the past, but finding motivation is difficult when I really just feel like giving up and work has not helped here at all. Ive been off work for 3 weeks now, and ive had plenty of opportunities to be productive but just havent. Now the appeal is out the way and I have a few more weeks off work (minimum) I need to make the most of it. Sort my career out, get my inner girl back, get organised and actually do something.
I will change. I have to.
Saturday, 28 June 2014
Real Life Issues
Its been a long time since my last post, im still here but ive had things going on in work that have been playing on my mind. Around the time of my last post I was investigated for gross misconduct, something I felt at the time was being done unfairly, and still do. I dont want to go into loads of detail but the investigation and disciplinary dragged out over a protracted amount of time for no good reason, causing me unnecessary stress. I was given a final written warning when in 8 years I have never had any disciplinary, or been pulled up for anything like this before. When I was given the outcome I thought the stress would subside, but it didnt. And since then I have been off work on the sick due to stress.
I went through my appeal today which was not a fun experience, but to be honest I think there is an ulterior motive and I dont think my appeal is going to do any good. Unfortunately due to the fact the investigation was poorly handled by my line manager, I have had to drop him right in it. Its against my nature to do this sort of thing usually, but I feel like im backed into a corner and I have to do what I can to try and defend myself. After this is all done, I might have to change to a different manager. That is if I go back of course.
I think im going to have to look for a new job. The atmosphere has changed so much over the past year, lately I liken it to Game of Thrones. Everyone has their own agenda, I never know who to trust, and when I least expect it I get a knife in my back. Its a shame, there are good people there, some of which ive worked with for a very long time. They are wasted at such a waste of a company.
This whole crappy situation has just dragged me down.
After London I promised myself id make more of an effort with my T side, and at the very least id keep my eyebrows tidy after paying to get them threaded. But with all this stuff going on its been the least of my worries to be honest and I have really let myself go. But since the appeal is now over (at least until the outcome in 1-2 weeks time) im going to try and start putting this behind me as much as I can, and start getting myself back in shape next week. I want to build myself up to having a me day next week, since it is long overdue.
I went through my appeal today which was not a fun experience, but to be honest I think there is an ulterior motive and I dont think my appeal is going to do any good. Unfortunately due to the fact the investigation was poorly handled by my line manager, I have had to drop him right in it. Its against my nature to do this sort of thing usually, but I feel like im backed into a corner and I have to do what I can to try and defend myself. After this is all done, I might have to change to a different manager. That is if I go back of course.
I think im going to have to look for a new job. The atmosphere has changed so much over the past year, lately I liken it to Game of Thrones. Everyone has their own agenda, I never know who to trust, and when I least expect it I get a knife in my back. Its a shame, there are good people there, some of which ive worked with for a very long time. They are wasted at such a waste of a company.
This whole crappy situation has just dragged me down.
After London I promised myself id make more of an effort with my T side, and at the very least id keep my eyebrows tidy after paying to get them threaded. But with all this stuff going on its been the least of my worries to be honest and I have really let myself go. But since the appeal is now over (at least until the outcome in 1-2 weeks time) im going to try and start putting this behind me as much as I can, and start getting myself back in shape next week. I want to build myself up to having a me day next week, since it is long overdue.
Thursday, 13 March 2014
All In The Air
I had my second counselling appointment today which got off to a great start. I was sat in the waiting room and just when it hit the appointment time the fire alarm went off, so they had to evacuate the building. As before I wont be going into detail about the session, but we seemed to mainly talk about how I feel about being trans, how I feel during my high and low moments, and my relationship with my gf. Afterwards I realised there were other points I could have made but didnt go into detail enough, so I do need to make a note of a few things to remember to speak about next time.
The problem I have is it is 2 weeks between sessions, and in this time I have to work which really does dominate my thoughts a lot due to the nature of the job, and the long hours. So when it comes to recalling thoughts and feelings for the past few weeks, all I can remember is work. I need to get a notepad I think and make some noted between sessions, to make it easier to recall.
On the Subject of Work...
I am so angry at the moment with work. Our shift patterns change every 6 months and every time it just feels like they have got worse and worse. They are due to change at the end of this month and they have finally reached a point where I dont think I can continue with my employment there anymore. I dont want to leave because the money is good and im not sure ill get near this pay bracket for quite a while, but I cant continue like this.
Basically they are moving me from 4x10 hour shifts a week to 5x8 hour shifts, and then putting us on a pattern which repeats every 4 weeks. Out of the 8 days off we have in this 4 week period, 4 of them are within 5 days of each other, the other 4 are split individually within the remaining 23 days of the month. We basically get no decent break for more than 3 weeks, and it is an absolute joke. Not only that, but 3 out of the 4 weeks we are on mid-late shifts, starting anytime from around 11am and ending at 9.30pm at the latest (for example:1100-1930 or 1300-2130). So, the days are wasted when we are scheduled in. There is no decent amount of time in the day or evening to have some time to myself. Because it is so long between grouped days off, this is just ridiculous.
Ive raised this with my line manager and he said there is nothing he can do (which I expected), so I will be raising this as a grievance with HR along with the other people stuck on my pattern. Theres so much going on at work at the moment and this just feels like another boot in the face while im down.
I really need to look for something new, im fed up of doing jobs like this. I need a new direction but have no idea where to start. Im not exactly young anymore (31, ouch) but need to get retrained in something. I was looking at IT jobs years back but im not sure they are as safe for a long term career as they used to be. I need to get another job in the mean time but im not sure I can face another call centre role.
The problem I have is it is 2 weeks between sessions, and in this time I have to work which really does dominate my thoughts a lot due to the nature of the job, and the long hours. So when it comes to recalling thoughts and feelings for the past few weeks, all I can remember is work. I need to get a notepad I think and make some noted between sessions, to make it easier to recall.
On the Subject of Work...
I am so angry at the moment with work. Our shift patterns change every 6 months and every time it just feels like they have got worse and worse. They are due to change at the end of this month and they have finally reached a point where I dont think I can continue with my employment there anymore. I dont want to leave because the money is good and im not sure ill get near this pay bracket for quite a while, but I cant continue like this.
Basically they are moving me from 4x10 hour shifts a week to 5x8 hour shifts, and then putting us on a pattern which repeats every 4 weeks. Out of the 8 days off we have in this 4 week period, 4 of them are within 5 days of each other, the other 4 are split individually within the remaining 23 days of the month. We basically get no decent break for more than 3 weeks, and it is an absolute joke. Not only that, but 3 out of the 4 weeks we are on mid-late shifts, starting anytime from around 11am and ending at 9.30pm at the latest (for example:1100-1930 or 1300-2130). So, the days are wasted when we are scheduled in. There is no decent amount of time in the day or evening to have some time to myself. Because it is so long between grouped days off, this is just ridiculous.
Ive raised this with my line manager and he said there is nothing he can do (which I expected), so I will be raising this as a grievance with HR along with the other people stuck on my pattern. Theres so much going on at work at the moment and this just feels like another boot in the face while im down.
I really need to look for something new, im fed up of doing jobs like this. I need a new direction but have no idea where to start. Im not exactly young anymore (31, ouch) but need to get retrained in something. I was looking at IT jobs years back but im not sure they are as safe for a long term career as they used to be. I need to get another job in the mean time but im not sure I can face another call centre role.
Wednesday, 19 February 2014
Grinding Me Down
The past week or two has been pretty tough, and today I have been noticing things and ways of thinking that I havent done since I was off work with my depression. Replaying recent social faux-pas and embarrasments in my head and getting wound up by them, cursing to myself, difficulty finding motivation to do anything, feeling pretty miserable, etc.
There are a number of factors at play here I think....
1 - Work is really irritating me. Strangely the work itself isnt the culprit this time, its the people I have to manage. Over the past year and a half as people have left and new people have joined, I just seem to have been left with a bunch of loud, immature drama queens, and its really getting to me. They arent all this bad, but about half of them are really beginning to stress me out for one reason or another. Managing kids (well, early twenties) is not fun. I feel like a teacher or even a babysitter sometimes and ive got more important things I could be doing.
2 - Its my grandads 80th birthday in April. He moved to Peterborough long before I can even remember, and in my 31 years alive ive only met him two or three times, the last time being probably about 15 years ago, if not more. In fact its been so long I cant even remember his name. My mum is planning on her, me, my brother and our partners to all go and visit as a surprise, and is being very insistent that I go. Im finding it really difficult to bring myself to attend. The social anxiety is back in force again and im ashamed to say im looking for any excuse not to go.
3 - Ive just been to the dentist today and they told me I have to have a wisdom tooth out, and the decay is so bad that it will have to be surgically removed. This will be the third tooth ive had to have pulled out (not including the two root canals ive had done as well), so this was marvelous news. And when I told my gf over the phone she laughed at me, I assume she was expecting me to be amused at the state of my teeth. Clearly, I wasnt. In fact, ive been pretty disheartened today. I had so many plans but instead spent it lying down on the couch doing as little as possible.
Ive documented a number of times on here about my dislike for what I was born with, and the continuing decay of it is not helping.
4 - Its nearly the end of the second month of the year and I still havent got my t-life in gear. March and April are looking like they will be busy months so I really need to do something! Ive got a weekend off this weekend and my gf is away, I think I need to do something special and treat myself in some way, or something....
There are a number of factors at play here I think....
1 - Work is really irritating me. Strangely the work itself isnt the culprit this time, its the people I have to manage. Over the past year and a half as people have left and new people have joined, I just seem to have been left with a bunch of loud, immature drama queens, and its really getting to me. They arent all this bad, but about half of them are really beginning to stress me out for one reason or another. Managing kids (well, early twenties) is not fun. I feel like a teacher or even a babysitter sometimes and ive got more important things I could be doing.
2 - Its my grandads 80th birthday in April. He moved to Peterborough long before I can even remember, and in my 31 years alive ive only met him two or three times, the last time being probably about 15 years ago, if not more. In fact its been so long I cant even remember his name. My mum is planning on her, me, my brother and our partners to all go and visit as a surprise, and is being very insistent that I go. Im finding it really difficult to bring myself to attend. The social anxiety is back in force again and im ashamed to say im looking for any excuse not to go.
3 - Ive just been to the dentist today and they told me I have to have a wisdom tooth out, and the decay is so bad that it will have to be surgically removed. This will be the third tooth ive had to have pulled out (not including the two root canals ive had done as well), so this was marvelous news. And when I told my gf over the phone she laughed at me, I assume she was expecting me to be amused at the state of my teeth. Clearly, I wasnt. In fact, ive been pretty disheartened today. I had so many plans but instead spent it lying down on the couch doing as little as possible.
Ive documented a number of times on here about my dislike for what I was born with, and the continuing decay of it is not helping.
4 - Its nearly the end of the second month of the year and I still havent got my t-life in gear. March and April are looking like they will be busy months so I really need to do something! Ive got a weekend off this weekend and my gf is away, I think I need to do something special and treat myself in some way, or something....
Tuesday, 26 November 2013
Landan Town
Its been a buys few weeks for me. Ive been trying to burn through the excess leave ive got to take before the end of the year otherwise I will lose it. On one hand this is great since it means I am getting loads of time off work, but on the other hand it means that when I am back in work I am having almost twice the amount of work to do since I have to catch up from the time I have taken off. This has not been easy, during my last stint in work at least 2 of the 4 days I was in I worked over 13 hours each day, and anything over 10 of that was free (the joys of being on a salary).
On the plus side, this has meant ive had loads of time off, and I have spent this catching up with making music. I recently got the latest version of Ableton and I have been putting it through its paces. Ive been finding it difficult to get back into production since being off work last year, but now I seem to have caught the bug again. In this week alone ive almost got a track finished.
Our cat has found a new hiding spot which is a bit of a nightmare for me. My laptop is setup on a stand on my desk in the spare room, and she has recently started hiding underneath it. This in itself isnt such a bad thing and is actually quite cute to see her squeezed in, but randomly she will start swiping away at my hands with her claws as I try to type away, and that gets annoying.
Over the weekend me and the other half went to London for the weekend to see a friend of ours. Over the course of out visit we did an awful lot of shopping, I forget the names of all of the places we went to but I can remember Oxford Street, Borough Market (where I had a Venison hot dog), Southbank Christmas Market, and Covent Garden. We were in one shop with our friend and I started looking through the girls clothes absent mindedly, my gf had to push me away saying: "theres boys clothes in here, why dont you look at the boys clothes". Oops, there were some nice things in there and ive kind of got used to shopping with my gf I forget our friend was there!
We were randomly wandering through Covent Garden looking for somewhere to eat and he happened to come across the Playstation Lounge, this is basically a pop up shop which Sony have set up where they have PS4s setup for people to come in and play for free ahead of its release on Friday. Of course I had to go in and have a look! Ive now seen all of the launch titles running for myself, and I also got to play the new Killzone game too which is brilliant. The new controller is fantastic too, its so much more responsive and accurate than the old one, its really made me look forward to the PS4s release. Ive got one on pre-order and since ive got such an excess of leave, I also booked the day off for that too!
I still havent dressed up, with everything thats been going on ive just been a bit lazy with it all. Theres a lot of man to trim back and im just finding it difficult to push myself past that first hurdle when it seems like a wasted effort to get all dressed up with nowhere to go. I know I need to get back into it before going out again, I need to rebuild the confidence I seem to have lost, and seeing myself all dolled up would be a good start. Plus, I picked up a cute polka dot skirt from H&M the other week, I really want to wear it! I do have a thing for spots.....
And finally, on the website side of things I really dont know what to do. I have an idea and ive found a website-in-a-box that will do most of what I want to do (and I can pay someone to customise the rest), but im just really unsure about putting the money down for it. A lot of how the website will work will rely on users updating it, so initially it might not have that much on there since it will take time to build up the database, and if I cant attract the users then its dead in the water. Im just really unsure of spending the money I need to to make it the resource I want it to be because if it fails it will just be a waste of money. I just dont know where to go from here.
On the plus side, this has meant ive had loads of time off, and I have spent this catching up with making music. I recently got the latest version of Ableton and I have been putting it through its paces. Ive been finding it difficult to get back into production since being off work last year, but now I seem to have caught the bug again. In this week alone ive almost got a track finished.
Our cat has found a new hiding spot which is a bit of a nightmare for me. My laptop is setup on a stand on my desk in the spare room, and she has recently started hiding underneath it. This in itself isnt such a bad thing and is actually quite cute to see her squeezed in, but randomly she will start swiping away at my hands with her claws as I try to type away, and that gets annoying.
Over the weekend me and the other half went to London for the weekend to see a friend of ours. Over the course of out visit we did an awful lot of shopping, I forget the names of all of the places we went to but I can remember Oxford Street, Borough Market (where I had a Venison hot dog), Southbank Christmas Market, and Covent Garden. We were in one shop with our friend and I started looking through the girls clothes absent mindedly, my gf had to push me away saying: "theres boys clothes in here, why dont you look at the boys clothes". Oops, there were some nice things in there and ive kind of got used to shopping with my gf I forget our friend was there!
We were randomly wandering through Covent Garden looking for somewhere to eat and he happened to come across the Playstation Lounge, this is basically a pop up shop which Sony have set up where they have PS4s setup for people to come in and play for free ahead of its release on Friday. Of course I had to go in and have a look! Ive now seen all of the launch titles running for myself, and I also got to play the new Killzone game too which is brilliant. The new controller is fantastic too, its so much more responsive and accurate than the old one, its really made me look forward to the PS4s release. Ive got one on pre-order and since ive got such an excess of leave, I also booked the day off for that too!
I still havent dressed up, with everything thats been going on ive just been a bit lazy with it all. Theres a lot of man to trim back and im just finding it difficult to push myself past that first hurdle when it seems like a wasted effort to get all dressed up with nowhere to go. I know I need to get back into it before going out again, I need to rebuild the confidence I seem to have lost, and seeing myself all dolled up would be a good start. Plus, I picked up a cute polka dot skirt from H&M the other week, I really want to wear it! I do have a thing for spots.....
And finally, on the website side of things I really dont know what to do. I have an idea and ive found a website-in-a-box that will do most of what I want to do (and I can pay someone to customise the rest), but im just really unsure about putting the money down for it. A lot of how the website will work will rely on users updating it, so initially it might not have that much on there since it will take time to build up the database, and if I cant attract the users then its dead in the water. Im just really unsure of spending the money I need to to make it the resource I want it to be because if it fails it will just be a waste of money. I just dont know where to go from here.
Wednesday, 24 July 2013
Low-Mo Update
The past few days in work has been a nightmare. I wake up ok, start feeeling crappy on the way into work, and then this continues for most of the day. I cant concentrate, im procrastinating like mad, im just spending my days sat there staring into space when I should be working. When I do try and work I cant keep it up for long before I have to take a break and hide in the loo for 5 mins while I get my act together. Just to make things worse yesterday at two seperate times through the day I had two members of my team in absolute tears due to personal issues at home, which obviously cant be helped but really was the last thing I needed yesterday. I wasnt in the mood to be empathetic, or patient. Im a manager not a bloody counsellor, and ive got my own stuff to work through at the moment.
Conversation easily distracts, so when I get home it usually does calm down a little. But when I am in work and at a time where I cant really talk to my team, my mind wanders and I start feeling really crappy about myself.
Ive got a GP appointment booked in for tomorrow where I shall be telling her I think my depression is coming back. I shall also be telling her about being Transgender too as I do feel the two are linked, unless of course I chicken out! And no, I dont feel its anything to do with some kind of a Sparkle come-down, although that probably hasnt helped. I was noticing some of my depression 'tics' about a week or two before Sparkle, and my GD has been kicking right off as well since before that.
Hair. Girls hair seems to be my thing lately. I shave my head as it is receeding a little at the front, plus my girlfriend doesnt like long hair on men, but whenever I see long hair on a girl (which is quite a lot surprisingly!) it really makes me feel bad about myself. I want it! I want long hair, I want to wear it up, I want to tie it back and leave some bangs or a fringe sweeping across my face, I want it blonde, brown, black and/or red, I want it straightened and/or curly. It doesnt seem to matter, but it seems to the thing defining my feminine desires at the moment, and it is so frustrating!
In other news, as of yesterday we now have a cat. Well, a kitten. Its currently lying on the couch next to me sleeping but it does seem to like hunting my feet with its claws and teeth out, which is quite annoying! Its a tabby that we havent named yet, and we also dont know what sex it is either until we have been able to get it to the vets for its jabs. Suggestions for cute cat names are welcome!
Conversation easily distracts, so when I get home it usually does calm down a little. But when I am in work and at a time where I cant really talk to my team, my mind wanders and I start feeling really crappy about myself.
Ive got a GP appointment booked in for tomorrow where I shall be telling her I think my depression is coming back. I shall also be telling her about being Transgender too as I do feel the two are linked, unless of course I chicken out! And no, I dont feel its anything to do with some kind of a Sparkle come-down, although that probably hasnt helped. I was noticing some of my depression 'tics' about a week or two before Sparkle, and my GD has been kicking right off as well since before that.
Hair. Girls hair seems to be my thing lately. I shave my head as it is receeding a little at the front, plus my girlfriend doesnt like long hair on men, but whenever I see long hair on a girl (which is quite a lot surprisingly!) it really makes me feel bad about myself. I want it! I want long hair, I want to wear it up, I want to tie it back and leave some bangs or a fringe sweeping across my face, I want it blonde, brown, black and/or red, I want it straightened and/or curly. It doesnt seem to matter, but it seems to the thing defining my feminine desires at the moment, and it is so frustrating!
In other news, as of yesterday we now have a cat. Well, a kitten. Its currently lying on the couch next to me sleeping but it does seem to like hunting my feet with its claws and teeth out, which is quite annoying! Its a tabby that we havent named yet, and we also dont know what sex it is either until we have been able to get it to the vets for its jabs. Suggestions for cute cat names are welcome!
Saturday, 20 July 2013
Post Sparkle Blues
Well this week I have gradually been feeling worse and worse about myself. Ive put off writing this for a few days because I want to try and avoid typing 'rage-posts' like I used to when feeling low, at the same time the problem with this is I have forgotten some of clarity of my thoughts and feelings over the past week.
For maybe a week or two before Sparkle, I started noticing on occasions I would exhibit some of the little behaviours I used to have when I had depression. Putting myself down while saying it out loud, occasional low mood for no apparent reason, difficulty sleeping, irritability, etc. These mostly dissapeared over Sparkle weekend, apart from the occasional talking to myself moment I was happy. Post sparkle though, they are back and I have noticed other symptoms too. Feeling really miserable, short temper, feeling like I want to cry for no apparent reason and more. Not only that, but these are coupled with obsessive thoughts over my T side, hating the male characteristics showing through after being groomed for sparkle (body hair regrowth, horrible skin, etc), and feeling off physically, which I can only describe as feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Sometimes, specifically in work I can be distracted from most of what I am feeling, or at least can put on a front. Other times I have to take extra breaks because I just feel so off and I cant concentrate on what I am supposed to be doing.
This is the final straw I think, im going to book a GP appointment this week. Either my depression is coming back or my GD is getting worse, or both. This time though work is not the culprit since I have been relatively happy there for a while, which means im going to have to tell my GP about Aimee. Im fed up of feeling like this. I can go ages feeling fine and then for no apparent reason my 'I want to be a woman' thoughts are back and im miserable. I need to do something about it.
I was meant to be going to a house warming party tonight but cancelled because im not exactly in a social-able mood, I ended up having a little argument with my girlfriend over it because this is turning into a regular thing now where my social anxiety has got in the way of things and ive deliberately made excuses not to go (not telling her about the anxiety though). This time however its a little different.
For maybe a week or two before Sparkle, I started noticing on occasions I would exhibit some of the little behaviours I used to have when I had depression. Putting myself down while saying it out loud, occasional low mood for no apparent reason, difficulty sleeping, irritability, etc. These mostly dissapeared over Sparkle weekend, apart from the occasional talking to myself moment I was happy. Post sparkle though, they are back and I have noticed other symptoms too. Feeling really miserable, short temper, feeling like I want to cry for no apparent reason and more. Not only that, but these are coupled with obsessive thoughts over my T side, hating the male characteristics showing through after being groomed for sparkle (body hair regrowth, horrible skin, etc), and feeling off physically, which I can only describe as feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Sometimes, specifically in work I can be distracted from most of what I am feeling, or at least can put on a front. Other times I have to take extra breaks because I just feel so off and I cant concentrate on what I am supposed to be doing.
This is the final straw I think, im going to book a GP appointment this week. Either my depression is coming back or my GD is getting worse, or both. This time though work is not the culprit since I have been relatively happy there for a while, which means im going to have to tell my GP about Aimee. Im fed up of feeling like this. I can go ages feeling fine and then for no apparent reason my 'I want to be a woman' thoughts are back and im miserable. I need to do something about it.
I was meant to be going to a house warming party tonight but cancelled because im not exactly in a social-able mood, I ended up having a little argument with my girlfriend over it because this is turning into a regular thing now where my social anxiety has got in the way of things and ive deliberately made excuses not to go (not telling her about the anxiety though). This time however its a little different.
Monday, 22 April 2013
Finding Time To Socialise Twice
I realised over the weekend that I seem to be neglecting my real life
quite badly. Work tends to take a lot out of me as it is, usually a
workday is a total write off, but any days off I have I try and dedicate
to making time for my T side. Lately though this hasnt been happening
at all, once again I set aside today to try and dress up and once again
something important came up at short notice. Its getting frustrating
now.
The only time I have seen some of my friends is at events I have had to go to (e.g. weddings), but no effort has been made to see any of them at any other time, apart from once this year. There are other close friends (in fact, probably my closest) who I havent seen at all since January. In some ways I feel quite bad for not taking time out to catch up with them, but I just cant prioritise it over the other stuff in my life at the moment. However, the fact that I feel like my T life has stalled and also my real life has stalled just doubles the annoyance.
I cant help but feel that my social anxiety is in play here. I deliberately try and get out of real life social events, so maybe subconsciously im just not making an effort with my friends and coming up with any old excuse (time) not to get in touch in order to avoid social contact entirely.
My limited time outside of work hours is a real barrier, however could I make time to see people if I really wanted to? I dont know. Im quite comfortable with my hermit lifestyle at the moment, although im still keen to get out there as Aimee far more. Ive wasted so much of my life denying her freedom that I need to make up for lost time. I do know that thinking about going out as Aimee has far more increased anxiety attached due to having to meet people I barely know and who will unlikely have many common interests at all but the will is there to push past it I think.
The only time I have seen some of my friends is at events I have had to go to (e.g. weddings), but no effort has been made to see any of them at any other time, apart from once this year. There are other close friends (in fact, probably my closest) who I havent seen at all since January. In some ways I feel quite bad for not taking time out to catch up with them, but I just cant prioritise it over the other stuff in my life at the moment. However, the fact that I feel like my T life has stalled and also my real life has stalled just doubles the annoyance.
I cant help but feel that my social anxiety is in play here. I deliberately try and get out of real life social events, so maybe subconsciously im just not making an effort with my friends and coming up with any old excuse (time) not to get in touch in order to avoid social contact entirely.
My limited time outside of work hours is a real barrier, however could I make time to see people if I really wanted to? I dont know. Im quite comfortable with my hermit lifestyle at the moment, although im still keen to get out there as Aimee far more. Ive wasted so much of my life denying her freedom that I need to make up for lost time. I do know that thinking about going out as Aimee has far more increased anxiety attached due to having to meet people I barely know and who will unlikely have many common interests at all but the will is there to push past it I think.
Wednesday, 30 January 2013
Wasting Time
So we are near the end of January already, 2013 is slipping away so quickly. All the things I want to do and already one twelfth of the year has passed me by.
Work is such a time hog. By the time I finish there isnt enough time to do anything apart from to eat and get in a little down time before the next shift, and when I am off I just want to relax and try and forget about my previous shifts, and try not to worry about my next. I dont enjoy being there and I really need to get a new job, but I have debts to pay and there really is not much out there.
Due to the irregularity of my shift pattern im also finding it difficult to find the time and the motivation to socialise with friends from neither my male or female side, or to find time to start working through my new years resolutions in an effort to progress with this side of me. I need to figure out how to fit the routines into my day, and start giving myself some space to be me.
I have been feeling a bit better about myself this week or so, as usual as soon as I had decided I needed to go and see a GP my mood picked up and I didnt actually make that appointment. No doubt in a few weeks I will feel bad again, and as soon as I make the decision to go and see a GP ill perk back up again. It seems when I am on an 'up' I seem to forget about how low I feel when im 'down', its only when I read back the posts on here that I remember what my train of thought was like. I may just try and make an appointment next week anyway, it feels a bit wrong going there when I have nothing really wrong with me at that moment, but I dont want this to get to the point I was at last year.
I have realised that the thoughts I had that would trigger my GD have died down quite a lot over the last month or so. It used to be where I would be continuously running things through my head about where my life was going and where I wanted or needed it to go, usually triggered by seeing people living the life I want to live. Now it just seems that when I am on a low moment I cant really specify why. I just feel like im on an emotional edge for no apparent reason.
Im still in two minds about whether to mention this to the GP. I suppose I should but, I dont know. I kind of dont want to get that ball rolling. Something ive wanted almost my entire life is to be female, but this is at odds with my current circumstances. Im trying so hard to just find a balance that works and going through this could probably just make things worse for me.
Typing this is making me feel low again so I am going to stop for now.
Work is such a time hog. By the time I finish there isnt enough time to do anything apart from to eat and get in a little down time before the next shift, and when I am off I just want to relax and try and forget about my previous shifts, and try not to worry about my next. I dont enjoy being there and I really need to get a new job, but I have debts to pay and there really is not much out there.
Due to the irregularity of my shift pattern im also finding it difficult to find the time and the motivation to socialise with friends from neither my male or female side, or to find time to start working through my new years resolutions in an effort to progress with this side of me. I need to figure out how to fit the routines into my day, and start giving myself some space to be me.
I have been feeling a bit better about myself this week or so, as usual as soon as I had decided I needed to go and see a GP my mood picked up and I didnt actually make that appointment. No doubt in a few weeks I will feel bad again, and as soon as I make the decision to go and see a GP ill perk back up again. It seems when I am on an 'up' I seem to forget about how low I feel when im 'down', its only when I read back the posts on here that I remember what my train of thought was like. I may just try and make an appointment next week anyway, it feels a bit wrong going there when I have nothing really wrong with me at that moment, but I dont want this to get to the point I was at last year.
I have realised that the thoughts I had that would trigger my GD have died down quite a lot over the last month or so. It used to be where I would be continuously running things through my head about where my life was going and where I wanted or needed it to go, usually triggered by seeing people living the life I want to live. Now it just seems that when I am on a low moment I cant really specify why. I just feel like im on an emotional edge for no apparent reason.
Im still in two minds about whether to mention this to the GP. I suppose I should but, I dont know. I kind of dont want to get that ball rolling. Something ive wanted almost my entire life is to be female, but this is at odds with my current circumstances. Im trying so hard to just find a balance that works and going through this could probably just make things worse for me.
Typing this is making me feel low again so I am going to stop for now.
Thursday, 1 November 2012
Too Much Effort
To try and help me get through my low moments last week, since I got paid I decided a little retail therapy was in order. I dragged my partner into town and bought myself some clothes, boots and a few necessities. And since it has been the first time in a while ive actually had money I also treated my partner to a few things and dinner in a nice restaurant too. Surprisingly (well, no not really), picking up a few new bits for Aimee seemed to work, ive been feeling a lot more upbeat until today.
Because of the work situation, ive been finding it difficult to give Aimee some time. I decided that today I was going to get dressed up in my new stuff straight after work so I have at least a few hours Aimee time before the weekend, and when I got home I fully intended to do this. So I got home, had a shave, looked at myself in the mirror and then my attitude changed. I kind of realised the uphill struggle I would face in order to get ready and decided it wasnt worth it, my face is spotty from the beard growth, my chest hair has gone out of control again, my eyebrows are messy, and I realised it would take far too long to make an acceptable effort so this put me on a downer again tonight. I tried on my new clothes anyway to check they fit ok but only briefly.
Because of the work situation, ive been finding it difficult to give Aimee some time. I decided that today I was going to get dressed up in my new stuff straight after work so I have at least a few hours Aimee time before the weekend, and when I got home I fully intended to do this. So I got home, had a shave, looked at myself in the mirror and then my attitude changed. I kind of realised the uphill struggle I would face in order to get ready and decided it wasnt worth it, my face is spotty from the beard growth, my chest hair has gone out of control again, my eyebrows are messy, and I realised it would take far too long to make an acceptable effort so this put me on a downer again tonight. I tried on my new clothes anyway to check they fit ok but only briefly.
Wednesday, 10 October 2012
Back At Work
Ive been meaning to make some more posts on this over the past week or so but ive been really busy trying to get my head back into work mode. Ive been back in work for the past few weeks now, although I am on reduced hours for the time being. Its been an interesting experience so far, it certainly looks calmer but then the busiest time of year is yet to come. My main difficulty at the moment is after being my own person for the past 5 months the days really drag out but its a means to an end. I need the money now, so will have to stick it out for the time being.
Being back in work has meant ive started people watching again, specifically watching the ladies of which there are many. Now this isnt in a pervy lecherous way (although im sure to the outside bystander it could probably look like that), its in an appreciative manner but coming from a man its not going to be seen like that. I cant help myself, I wonder where they got their tops from or admire their fashion sense, or sometimes I put myself in their shoes and wonder what it is like to be them, and then the envy/jealousy hits. It sounds pretty sad I suppose but I cant help it. Its not as bad as it was before I went on sick but I can imagine its going to build back up pretty quick.
Another thing is im struggling at the moment with making myself look satisfactory. I know im never going to pass and ive accepted that, but there are certain decidedly masculine traits that I suffer with more than some that is really beginning to get to me. The main ones are my body hair that even when shaved is still visible, my skin texture and my beard shadow still causes me problems. The problem this is causing me is that it doesnt feel right dressing part way, its all or nothing. And after all the effort I go to to try and make this work, it still doesnt. Its disheartening and on a few occasions now has made me feel like not bothering at all. The problem this leaves me with is that the urge is still strong to do it, and I know im never going to be happy with the result. If I dont dress I get frustrated, if I do, I get frustrated. I cant win!!!
On a side note, one of the girls who used to be on my team has got the most amazing dress and has worn it a few times now since ive been back. I really really want to ask her where she got it, but obviously cant!
Being back in work has meant ive started people watching again, specifically watching the ladies of which there are many. Now this isnt in a pervy lecherous way (although im sure to the outside bystander it could probably look like that), its in an appreciative manner but coming from a man its not going to be seen like that. I cant help myself, I wonder where they got their tops from or admire their fashion sense, or sometimes I put myself in their shoes and wonder what it is like to be them, and then the envy/jealousy hits. It sounds pretty sad I suppose but I cant help it. Its not as bad as it was before I went on sick but I can imagine its going to build back up pretty quick.
Another thing is im struggling at the moment with making myself look satisfactory. I know im never going to pass and ive accepted that, but there are certain decidedly masculine traits that I suffer with more than some that is really beginning to get to me. The main ones are my body hair that even when shaved is still visible, my skin texture and my beard shadow still causes me problems. The problem this is causing me is that it doesnt feel right dressing part way, its all or nothing. And after all the effort I go to to try and make this work, it still doesnt. Its disheartening and on a few occasions now has made me feel like not bothering at all. The problem this leaves me with is that the urge is still strong to do it, and I know im never going to be happy with the result. If I dont dress I get frustrated, if I do, I get frustrated. I cant win!!!
On a side note, one of the girls who used to be on my team has got the most amazing dress and has worn it a few times now since ive been back. I really really want to ask her where she got it, but obviously cant!
Sunday, 23 September 2012
And I Was Doing So Well
Ive been hitting a low moment again. Over the past few days my mood has been dipping and today ive just been really down. Ive been trying to take stock of the things ive done so far and what they mean, and even what is the point. Over the past few months ive accepted it, ive come out to my partner who has also accepted it, ive made friends who ive been on a night out with and enjoyed it, and realised I want to do it more. All good then? Not really, no.
I hate my body, it does not lend well to dressing. While im fairly short and small enough to fit into normal womens clothes and shoes, ive got excessive hair that grows all over the place and the hair is so thick and dark even shaved you can still see it. Especially on the chest and face. Ive got fat thighs which considering ive got no fat means ive got no way of slimming them down. The preperation required to get ready for last weekend showed me what a chore it was to make myself look even presentable, the journey from scruffy male to presentable female is long, arduous, and also painful.
Ive been getting envious and jealous of other girls again. Just walking around the streets I see plenty of women walking past and I wish I looked like them. Even the 'plain Janes', ive just been watching them, the way they act, interact, and how others interact with them. And of course, admiring the clothes too. I swear, ive got boob envy.
Could it be down to not having something to look forward to? The big event last weekend is long gone, and there is nothing planned for the time being. There is talk of this and that but nothing concrete to actually look forward to. My new found confidence might also be slipping away. Ive been trying to picture myself dressed up while walking through town, and imagining how easy I would be to spot and potential reactions, and the more I think about it the less confident I become.
Maybe its the realisation that this is my life now, ive achieved what I wanted to when I set out last year and maybe im not happy with the result. I spend an unhealthy amount of my time spent in front of my computer or on my phone, checking in on the various contact sites and forums I am a part of, waiting and hoping for contact from someone. Maybe im also unhappy with the probability im just a wannabe woman, some poor imitation who when I eventually get out there will be mocked and ridiculed by a society that doesnt understand it. Hell, I dont even understand it. I wish I could sit down and say 'this is why', but I cant. I cant even say 'this is what I want', because I dont know what I want. How can I explain it to people when I havent got a clue myself?
I might be getting mixed up because of work, but im not sure. I started the process to go back to work last week after being on sick for nearly 5 months. Officially ive been off with work related stress, and while work was the catalyst for me snapping I think the depression caused by my gender issues was probably a major part of the build up too. Of course, I didnt tell work that. Its a horrible, high pressure place to be and while a lot seems to have changed im not going to know until I hit the floor again. On the plus side they do pay well so im going to have to stick it out for a while just for the money.
I dont know how to describe how im feeling right now. Like a freak? A fake? A pervert? Guilty? Shameful? Certainly depressed.
I hate my body, it does not lend well to dressing. While im fairly short and small enough to fit into normal womens clothes and shoes, ive got excessive hair that grows all over the place and the hair is so thick and dark even shaved you can still see it. Especially on the chest and face. Ive got fat thighs which considering ive got no fat means ive got no way of slimming them down. The preperation required to get ready for last weekend showed me what a chore it was to make myself look even presentable, the journey from scruffy male to presentable female is long, arduous, and also painful.
Ive been getting envious and jealous of other girls again. Just walking around the streets I see plenty of women walking past and I wish I looked like them. Even the 'plain Janes', ive just been watching them, the way they act, interact, and how others interact with them. And of course, admiring the clothes too. I swear, ive got boob envy.
Could it be down to not having something to look forward to? The big event last weekend is long gone, and there is nothing planned for the time being. There is talk of this and that but nothing concrete to actually look forward to. My new found confidence might also be slipping away. Ive been trying to picture myself dressed up while walking through town, and imagining how easy I would be to spot and potential reactions, and the more I think about it the less confident I become.
Maybe its the realisation that this is my life now, ive achieved what I wanted to when I set out last year and maybe im not happy with the result. I spend an unhealthy amount of my time spent in front of my computer or on my phone, checking in on the various contact sites and forums I am a part of, waiting and hoping for contact from someone. Maybe im also unhappy with the probability im just a wannabe woman, some poor imitation who when I eventually get out there will be mocked and ridiculed by a society that doesnt understand it. Hell, I dont even understand it. I wish I could sit down and say 'this is why', but I cant. I cant even say 'this is what I want', because I dont know what I want. How can I explain it to people when I havent got a clue myself?
I might be getting mixed up because of work, but im not sure. I started the process to go back to work last week after being on sick for nearly 5 months. Officially ive been off with work related stress, and while work was the catalyst for me snapping I think the depression caused by my gender issues was probably a major part of the build up too. Of course, I didnt tell work that. Its a horrible, high pressure place to be and while a lot seems to have changed im not going to know until I hit the floor again. On the plus side they do pay well so im going to have to stick it out for a while just for the money.
I dont know how to describe how im feeling right now. Like a freak? A fake? A pervert? Guilty? Shameful? Certainly depressed.
Friday, 6 July 2012
Routine
So once again im spending my day sat in front of my laptop with a few TG social networks im registered to, my email and my Flickr account open in front of me. Ive got some music on really loud as well while im sat here. My gf has gone out for a few hours but I dare not dress in case she comes back, so im just sat here staring at the screen waiting for something to happen and im feeling down again. This seems to have turned into my routine now, im not being productive. Not looking for work, not making music, not even playing my console. Nothing. Just sat here waiting for someone in the outside world to send me a message or comment on one of my pics or something.
I had difficulty sleeping last night. When I created my last post I also made a slightly edited version of it and posted it on one of the TG social networks im part of and regretted doing so almost immediately. After getting into a misplaced argument about it last night where I got a bit defensive over something that I thought was aimed at said post I took it down. It wasnt because of the argument itself, I was clearly not comfortable with having that kind of personal information up for people I socialise with (albeit online but still) and could potentially meet in the future. Im not one to open up like that with people I know, thats why this blog is here. So because of my self esteem issues ive been worrying about what people on that site think of me now, whether im some sort of head case or something.
So ive been depressed again today and im trying to figure out why as there have been a couple of things that could be the reason. Number 1 is what I explained above. The second is I had a welfare meeting today with one of my line managers from work plus someone from HR about my continuing absence from work. I have been off for 2 months with work related stress, however ive recently come to the realisation it may not entirely by work related but work is certainly a contributor to my current state of mind. They come to my house on a monthly basis and chat to me and try to persuade me to go back and they do make a very good case, but to be honest I dont want to go back. That place stressed me to the point where I snapped, I was in a dark place before I left. I should have spent these 2 months looking for work but I have not been motivated to do so, ive fallen into this bloody routine!
Number 3 is my gf is really beginning to get on my nerves but I dont know if this is just down to me being down anyway or if im getting fed up of being in a relationship with her. Weve been together about 9 years and in that time we have rarely fought, we give each other a lot of leeway and freedom to do the things we want and it works very well. On the flip side im getting pissed off with having to live to her rules in the house. It sounds petty but her expectations with cleaning and stuff is really beginning to grate, or im getting fed up with having to take into account shes vegetarian when im not when it comes to eating and especially eating out. Or theres when she decides to speak to her family for an hour almost every night on the phone but she does it in the living room when im trying to watch telly, fuck off to another room! I think ive recently come to the realisation I might be happier just doing my own thing without worrying about this and that when the gf comes back or whatever, being around people 24/7 is irritating me.
So when I go and see my GP next week im going to ask to get referred to a therapist, im not going to bring up the tranny issues in case they try to refer me to a gender specialist. And to be honest after the last post I dont think that is the root cause of my issues.
I had difficulty sleeping last night. When I created my last post I also made a slightly edited version of it and posted it on one of the TG social networks im part of and regretted doing so almost immediately. After getting into a misplaced argument about it last night where I got a bit defensive over something that I thought was aimed at said post I took it down. It wasnt because of the argument itself, I was clearly not comfortable with having that kind of personal information up for people I socialise with (albeit online but still) and could potentially meet in the future. Im not one to open up like that with people I know, thats why this blog is here. So because of my self esteem issues ive been worrying about what people on that site think of me now, whether im some sort of head case or something.
So ive been depressed again today and im trying to figure out why as there have been a couple of things that could be the reason. Number 1 is what I explained above. The second is I had a welfare meeting today with one of my line managers from work plus someone from HR about my continuing absence from work. I have been off for 2 months with work related stress, however ive recently come to the realisation it may not entirely by work related but work is certainly a contributor to my current state of mind. They come to my house on a monthly basis and chat to me and try to persuade me to go back and they do make a very good case, but to be honest I dont want to go back. That place stressed me to the point where I snapped, I was in a dark place before I left. I should have spent these 2 months looking for work but I have not been motivated to do so, ive fallen into this bloody routine!
Number 3 is my gf is really beginning to get on my nerves but I dont know if this is just down to me being down anyway or if im getting fed up of being in a relationship with her. Weve been together about 9 years and in that time we have rarely fought, we give each other a lot of leeway and freedom to do the things we want and it works very well. On the flip side im getting pissed off with having to live to her rules in the house. It sounds petty but her expectations with cleaning and stuff is really beginning to grate, or im getting fed up with having to take into account shes vegetarian when im not when it comes to eating and especially eating out. Or theres when she decides to speak to her family for an hour almost every night on the phone but she does it in the living room when im trying to watch telly, fuck off to another room! I think ive recently come to the realisation I might be happier just doing my own thing without worrying about this and that when the gf comes back or whatever, being around people 24/7 is irritating me.
So when I go and see my GP next week im going to ask to get referred to a therapist, im not going to bring up the tranny issues in case they try to refer me to a gender specialist. And to be honest after the last post I dont think that is the root cause of my issues.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)