Shopping

Last night after work I thought I would pop around some clothes shops to see if I could treat myself to something nice and girly this xmas. I was after some pyjamas mainly as I have no girly sleepwear at all but came home empty handed in that regard. I did however find a cute top in H&M and some (fake) fur slipper boots from Accessorize which were both in a sale. I would have been happy to buy more things but im really trying to be ruthless with what I buy. Ive bought a lot of clothes in the past which ive barely or never worn, and its a waste. Having a wardrobe full of stunning party dresses is great if you have parties to go to!

Ive been shopping in ladies shops before while dressed as a guy, and a lot of the time I just try and be confident and push through it, and on a few occasions even outing myself to the staff at a makeup counter. I didnt even need to one occasion but I was feeling brave! Sometimes though there is a niggling feeling or paranoia, and I get very self conscious of being the only guy in the shop, occasionally to the point where I have to turn around and leave.

Last night though I was absolutely fine, I had no issues walking around doing my thing, perhaps the cover of xmas helped. After a while of weaving through aisles of clothes I came to realise that other ladies in the shop were not paying any attention to me at all, they were just going about their business looking for something nice to wear. I also noticed I was not the only guy shopping solo in the ladies sections either, not only that but there were also groups of guys in there browsing and picking things out, presumably as presents for partners or family, but you never know! :)

Looking back I cant think of any time where ive been shopping where staff or other people have given me any impression that they knew who I was buying for (me!), apart from that one occasion last time I was in London where I was trying some ballet flats on and someone working there was watching what I was up to. But I was being pretty obvious then!

I guess the point of this post is to say not to worry too much if you decide to go shopping on your own. Guys buy clothes for the girls in their lives all the time, as long as you arent holding the dress up to yourself, im sure you will be fine. If you are worried, walk around with a list in your hand, have a pre-prepared excuse if you need to (xmas, birthday, etc), but other shoppers and staff wont bother you unless you give them an excuse to. And even if they do figure it out, does it really matter? The staff just want a sale, you might be the subject of their gossip for a bit but thats about it, and as for the other shoppers, who cares! If you are shopping locally though, obviously consider the chances of bumping into someone you know.

I usually shop online and its great if you are worried about being seen in ladies shops, but sometimes its nice to go out and actually see the clothes for real. I was in Topshop and saw a green one shoulder dress I had seen online which looked very pretty, but looked absolutely stunning seeing it for real. I wanted to buy it even though I would never be able to wear such a thing, and its on sale too. Damn it. I wish my hips were just a little bit bigger!

The Unexpected London Trip

Thursday was the day I finally decided I was going to go, that left me with two nights to book, pack and prepare. As my girlfriend was already going away this weekend, we had to wait and see if the vet would give our cat the all clear so I wouldnt have to stay at home and cat sit, before I could even consider going out anywhere. While the cat is still not perfect, she was ok enough for me to spend a night away. So, Thursday night I found a hotel, Friday night I booked a last minute coach and panic-packed, Saturday morning I was on my way to London.

I had been meaning to get together with L for some time now. Weve chatted on and off on tvChix for ages and never quite got any of several plans we had come up with in this time off the ground for one reason or another. At the last minute however we found an opportunity and seized it. After booking the hotel I didnt sleep properly for the two nights before I was due to go, less than 5 hours sleep per night. I was worrying, worrying if I had everything I needed like a decent outfit and all the makeup I would need, worrying about meeting L since I know I struggle sometimes if I dont click with someone, worrying about going outside again in public. I dont know, once id booked the hotel there was no anticipation, only trepidation. What had I let myself in for?

Packing was a struggle, my girlfriend had taken the decent case and we only had massive airport ones which I didnt fancy dragging around London. So I packed a large backpack and large holdall to carry, but had to compromise on what I wanted to take. Still, I managed to squeeze in a day outfit, a night outfit, a few different pairs of shoes as I couldnt decide what to wear, makeup, wig, boobs, and toiletries. Whatever I didnt have I would have to get in London, there was no time to buy anything before leaving.

Saturday morning was horrible, a 6am start to get up for the taxi followed by three and a half hours on a coach. Then traversing London and the underground half asleep carrying heavy bags to get to the hotel. I had booked into the Hilton DoubleTree Tower Hill Hotel, specifically chosen because it was very close to where L was staying. I arrived hoping to just drop my bags off so I could go away and do things before the 3pm check in time, but the room was ready which was excellent. Not only that, but they gave me two complimentary chocolate cookies as well which were delicious, especially after travelling all morning. The room was clean and tidy but nothing special, although bizarrely it had an iMac as an entertainment system. I only needed the room for sleeping though so the room served its purpose.

So after dropping my bags off I made my way across to Trendco as I had been in desperate need of a new wig for a while and decided it was time to get a nice one. It wasnt close and took me a while to get there, but I still ended up there almost an hour earlier than my appointment time. Thankfully they were quiet so they could see me straight away. I was led to a private fitting room at the back of the salon and after describing the kind of wig I was after (straight hair, my natural colour, about shoulder length), he went away and brought in 3 wigs. After trying them on he got two more and then we went round and round whittling them down until I was settled on just one. One looked comical as it was just so big, one I really liked the style but it was very straight and had a straight fringe that would not have looked good with my square face, and while I hadnt even considered having a bob haircut I really liked it, but it was a little more expensive and also my girlfriend likes her hair that length at the moment and I didnt want to be accused of copying her, so I didnt go for it. But, with a little help I did still find a new wig I was really happy with. If you need a wig I would happily recommend them, the guy was really friendly and helpful and as it is a salon they will also happily trim or cut your wig for you too, although I opted against this with mine.

It took about an hour to find a wig, by this time it was mid afternoon and I made my way across to Oxford Circus to meet L who had just got into London but hadnt been to her apartment yet, so still had all her bags on her. We had a quick sandwich and chatted for a little bit before going our seperate ways until later on. I got my eyebrows threaded at the brow bar in John Lewis, the same one I went to last time. I bought some makeup essentials in two seperate Boots and chatted to the girls in there about what I was after, and they never batted an eyelid and were very helpful. I also bought some sparkly ballet flats from New Look as I had chickened out of wearing the heels I had brought with me. Now, I have a suspicion that they thought I was up to no good in there for some reason. I had a good look around the shoe section trying to find the wide fit shoes, then when it came to trying them on annoyingly there were men sat on some of the seats. I chickened out of sitting next to them to try on my shoes so did it stood up in the aisle, and around this time a lady with a walkie talkie just casually walked slowly around where I was, while looking at the racks on the wall. Maybe I was just being paranoid or self conscious, but the timing felt off to me. No matter though, I wasnt getting up to no good and I bought my new shoes for the night.

I went back to my hotel, and set about grooming myself which took ages and the end result once again were depressing. Ive found using a single blade razor on my chest and upper arms significantly lowers the amount of red spots that come up, but I still cant completely remove the hair. Im still left with grey speckles all over my upper body. Also, this also did not help my upper legs where I still get lots of red spots. So I would have to wear black tights and a dress that covered up. The sleeves were not quite long enough but as it was late no-one would have been able to see the little grey spots anyway. After deciding on my outfit I then went to meet L for food. We walked past an unfortunate but amusingly named restaurant called ISIS but settled on a restaurant round the corner from my hotel. By this point it was already about 7.30-8 in the evening, the day had completely ran away from us. It was then that we remembered about another girl E who was interested in meeting us, we let her know we were in town and were going out but unfortunately it was too short notice for her to join us. After food, I went back to the hotel, picked up my outfit and makeup, then went to L's apartment to get ready.

I was actually really happy with how my makeup turned out for a change. Annoyingly the pump on my camouflage cream broke and I almost didnt get enough out to cover my beard, but apart from that I think I looked pretty good! I went horribly wrong with the eyes, I used one of those 3 colour sets which had a glittery pink, silver and black. As per the instructions on the box I used the pink all over the upper eye area above the crease and then the silver on the lid, but there was not enough different between the two and I just looked like I had gone overboard with glitter. So after putting on the black I just wiped off the pink  from above the crease with a face wipe, realised that this actually looked good so I left them like that. I also didnt bother with putting eyeliner on my upper lid either as I know I am terrible at it, and didnt use mascara on the eye lashes on the bottom lid because there are so few of them it just makes them look worse. So I just used eyeliner on the waterline on the bottom lid and mascara on the top, and it seemed to balance out.

Then off out we went. By this point it was llpm so we really didnt have long. After a bit of initial trepidation I was fine being outside, although im sure the cover of darkness helped massively. We accidentally took a more scenic route and realised on the way that as we had been in such a rush to leave I had forgotten to put my jewellery on! It was too late to go back, so we kept going and after a bit more wandering we eventually found our way to Wayout Club at the Mineries. Ive never really been a fan of any of the trans-specific events or club nights ive been to up to this point, but Wayout is probably the most tolerable ive been to so far. It was smaller than we both expected it to be, it has friendly staff, a dancefloor with a DJ playing the usual pop-dance remixes you find in any gay club across the country, and also seating areas that were away from all of that so you could actually speak to people. Bizarrely they were also showing sports including wrestling.


As we got there so late we went straight onto the doubles, found somewhere to sit and just chatted. Initially we sat outside but it got too cold for us and so we went in. We didnt venture onto the dancefloor which is a shame as I wanted to see L's legendary dancefloor clearing moves, but I didnt get her drunk enough in time! :)  I really enjoyed L's company though, we had plenty to talk about and I wish we had a bit longer to be honest. After a few hours Wayout closed and we went back to L's apartment to take a few photos. She had an amazing view of the Shard from her balcony so we had to take advantage of that while we were there. After that, it was time for me to get changed, pack, and go back to my hotel to try and get some sleep before coming back home the next day. I considered getting dressed in my day outfit and walking back to the hotel dressed, but as it was so late that wouldnt have been wise.

Considering it was all very last minute, I had a really good time and would love to do something again soon. While there was so much intense stress and preperation in such a small space of time leading up to what was only a few hours worth of dressing up time, it was totally worth it, and has given me an appetite for more. The question is though, what next? Ive said before that I dont want my trans-life to revolve around trans-specific places, but im fussy enough as it is as a guy.

In other news, im still trying to think of a new name. At this point im trying to think of one that reflects how I feel about myself, I kind of like being in the middle right now, so I was thinking of a name that works for or has a nickname that would be the same for both genders. As an example, Alexandra - Alexander - Alex. Theres a few that come to mind, one of which is a name that has popped up before, so I might decide to use that. Its so difficult trying to come up with something that I know is a name I want to use for the rest of my life. No pressure! :)

Feminine or Delicate?

Im currently in the middle of two weeks off from work, last week me and my other half went away to Edinburgh for a bit of a break. We flew up which meant I got on a plane for the first time in over 10 years, stayed in a hotel that was in the building that the writer of Sherlock Holmes lived, did the usual touristy thing, and eat out far more than was healthy (including one £70 meal in a very posh restaurant, which was lovely).

While we did have a good time, I did find that if history isnt your thing (which it isnt mine), once youve been to see the tourist hot spots there really isnt much else to do. And I imagine this would be the same for any city break. So thats something to bear in mind in the future.

Anyway, so ive been fighting the urge to buy new things for my trans side for a long time, fueled by the fact that I havent been indulging it since May. Not only that, but my other half doesnt like me spending money on girls clothes partly because im not really using them at the moment, but also when I am wearing them, im not wearing them often enough to justify the cost (to her).

But while we were there we went shopping around loads of little boutique shops and came across a place called Black Box boutique (which is sadly closing early next year), and I found a necklace that frankly I couldnt say no too. I didnt buy it straight away and left it for a while, but since we swung back that way I persuaded my gf to go back so I could buy it. She was obviously not happy but I went ahead and bought it anyway. My first piece of boutique jewellery!

 

Its not really a feminine piece, but thats one thing I like about it. Im not really a fan of 'extreme femininity', delicate pieces of jewellery, extreme makeup, vintage clothing, floral designs (in most cases), feminine detailing like unnecessary buttons as embelishments and so on (although I do have a love of sequins, it doesnt matter how bad they scream DRAG QUEEN!). I suppose in some way this is probably my male side influencing how I want to look, simple styles, simple patterns and colours, bolder jewellery and so on. And I think the necklace I bought definitely appeals to this. I think if I was really a girl, id definitely be a bit of a tomboy.

When I was in London last year with a friend Christmas shopping, we were going to loads of boutique places, and in one our friend said that she didnt really like the jewellery in there because it wasnt very feminine, and that it had "obviously been designed by a man' (or something along those lines). I dont think wearing or liking less delicate/vintage items is less feminine, I suppose its just less delicate. Feminine can be big, bold and strong too.

Since coming back from holiday, ive just spent more money on some new clothes from one of my favourite online stores. I really want to get back into it and I think I need some fresh new clothes to do it (any excuse eh?). I could have spent a small fortune there but deliberately took out some of the more expensive items (and most of the party dresses too!) and some of the things that I probably wouldnt wear as often to help keep the costs down. So all thats left is a few dresses, skirts and jumpers. I just need to find space to keep them all now! Im seriously thinking about having a clear out of some of my older things that im just not going to wear, I just need to get off my bum and do it.

This week is going to be the week that I finally get to be me again. Im building it up slowly towards the weekend, and then im really going to indulge my female side I think. My gf is away so ive got the house to myself. I dont know what to do though really, any suggestions anyone?

The Big London Trip

I would have loved this post about my big trip to London to be full of things like: "it was amazing to be out in public as me", "ive never felt free-er", or anything else I usually read elsewhere when they write about this sort of thing, but to be honest the truth was miles away from this. The outcome was not what I expected, and im not sure it is an experience I would want to repeat anytime soon.

This was not the fault of my wonderful companions, J (who came with me to my first night out at BNO) and SH were awesome. Im really glad they made the trip with me, both were very patient and were great company. But, on a personal level I dont feel that putting myself through this weekend was a positive experience, and if anything has left me with more uncertainty than I set out with. The thing is, when I went to Sparkle last year it was out in public, and was something that for its faults I really enjoyed. I was comfortable and happy with being out and about, but this was not the same at all.

Anyway, first here is a rough retelling of the events leading up to and over the weekend, then ill go over the mental gymnastics afterwards.

(This post is likely to be full of contradictions and will probably have a few rambling moments too, please bear with me)

The Lead Up

It was difficult trying to get prepared for the weekend, my shifts at work were pretty solid during the few weeks leading up to it so I had no real time to get organised. I ended up having to book off one more days leave than I wanted to use for the day before I was due to go, just to make sure I had time to at least get some preparation done.

I spent this day getting my upper body waxed, quickly dragging my gf around some shops frantically trying to get some outfits together, going through my clothes trying to find stuff to wear, and packing followed by repacking because of course I couldnt fit everything I wanted to take in my case. As it turns out, the waxing was a waste of time since once again my chest came up in a mass of spots which meant I ended up having to wear high necked clothes anyway. Grrrr.

Friday

I got into London at about 1230 and SH met me at the station. We then tried to make our way across London to our hotel near Oxford St, but got a bit confused by the tube maps! We ended up taking quite a long way around, and had to walk quite a way to get to our destination which considering I had a large backpack and also a case, was no mean feat! J met us at the hotel, and after dropping our stuff off and doing a little unpacking we made our way back towards Oxford St.


Because I was in such a rush I still needed to do a few things before dressing up. So even though they didnt need to do anything, J and SH very patiently came around a few shops with me. I went to boots and used their colour match service to get some new foundation (which is really nice by the way) since my current foundation works very well, but im not sure the skin tone is quite right since the colour always looks a little off. I also picked up some new flats from H&M to wear with my Saturday day outfit, and also went to get my eyebrows threaded at Blinks in John Lewis. Ive never had them done before so this was a new experience for me, also the girl doing it unexpectedly gave me a little head massage at the end which was really, really nice!

We had food out (although I also ended up running back around to boots since I forgot I needed to pick up some mascara) and then we went back to the hotel to change. The plan was to go out into Soho, in particular to a place called Madame Jojo's that someone recommended from Angels forum. We had looked around for other places to go but since we didnt know the area, and from a lack of advertising online, we couldnt really find other places to go.

It was already dark by the time we left the hotel, and it was a colder night than what I was prepared for. We crossed Covent Garden and Soho on foot and made our way towards Madame Jojo's. SH was striding out ahead of us as we made our way across London, this meant that I was able see the occasional double takes and sideways glances that she was attracting. There were not as many as I thought there would be, although SH did mention during the walk that she was getting fed up of people looking at her so maybe I wasnt seeing as many people as she was. For the most part though people were just getting on with whatever they were doing. There were however a lot of people out in various states of rowdiness and this was a little intimidating, however I think this would have been equally as intimidated if I was dressed as a man.

So we got to Madame Jojo's, supposedly this place is T friendly and even has a regular T event there. However, we got to the door only for the bouncer to say "private party tonight" and as we turned away his friend on the door laughed. On their website for that night they advertised a magic show and also a regular music night they do there, there was nothing mentioned about it being a private party that night. As far as we are concerned we were turned away because of how we were dressed, which was bitterly disappointing considering their supposed T credentials. So instead we went to a little gay bar which was next door, and we were the only T girls in there. It was ok, the music swayed from tolerable to cheese to back again fairly quickly, and we just had a few drinks in there and then decided to make our way back to the hotel.

The walk back was colder than it had been earlier in the night, and instead of taking the back streets back we ended up coming out on Oxford St quite a way from the hotel. But because it was so cold we just bared it and faced walking down such a busy high street dressed up!

I was annoyed at how the night turned out, and I think its safe to say that I think J and SH felt the same. 

Saturday

J ended up leaving fairly early on Saturday, she was going to come out with us but decided not to in the end. So after breakfast myself and SH went back out onto Oxford St, I needed to change the shoes I bought for a smaller size (a 6!!!) and also buy a high neck tshirt to cover the spots on my chest I came to realise werent going away. And we also went to see if we could find any casual things for SH to wear on the Saturday day although I dont think her heart was in it really and she didnt end up buying anything.

Throughout our walk it was becoming apparent that the confidence SH had built up was no longer there, and she said she didnt want to dress up for the Saturday daytime. After chatting about it a few times, she agreed to at least dress up ready while I did, and if she still felt like she wasnt up for it I would wait for her to quickly get changed back into her male clothes before we headed out. By the time I was ready she decided she was going to try it. We decided to go for a coffee nearby first before going for the big outing, so we could ease into being out in the daytime.

After the coffee we walked all the way down to Trafalgar Square which was so busy with people we decided to just skim past it and make our way towards the Thames. Being out in the daytime was a completely different experience to the night before. Without the relative safety of nightfall to hide imperfections and also peoples ability to see clearly it makes you very aware of what you are doing, look like, and also the people around you. Like the night before, a lot of people just seemed to not notice or were too polite to look, but quite a few people did and it was a lot more 'in your face'. During out outing I saw a lot of double takes, staring, and even heard people behind me saying things like "thats definitely a bloke!".

When we got to the Thames we crossed over to the Southbank which was an experience, a funnel of people you cant avoid looking at as they pass you. Someone slyly took a photo of me as I passed them as well which I was a bit annoyed about. We stopped for a quick photo opportunity but by the time we get to the south bank I suggested we headed back to the hotel and change back. SH agreed and I think she was equally as happy to do the same. The walk back seemed to take far longer than the walk there, and by the time we got back my feet were hurting because of my new shoes. I was glad to change back.

So, the girls weekend finished early, and the lads carried it on to the end. We went to Camden Lock market, out for food again, then spent the night having one drink in a few of the pubs and bars in Covent Garden before finishing off with a nice curry. We made our way back to the hotel and since SH had to be up early in the morning to catch her train we said our goodbyes.

Whats the Point?

So there were some things I took away from this weekend, some lessons learned, and also more uncertainty about where im going with this whole T second life.

I learned I have far more confidence than I realised, I was quite happy to be out there without a care about what others thought of me. I learned that passing is a myth, unless there has been medical intervention or you were born very lucky, there is no chance at all of 'passing' and you need to be prepared to be scrutinised. I learned that wigs are uncomfortable to wear in the daytime, and also seem to make me feel more fake.

And finally, I learned that I dont think going out in broad daylight and in public is for me. The thing is that confidence is only part of the battle. It was just uncomfortable being under so much scrutiny, of being hyper aware of whats going on around you and how you appear. And apart from the coffee shop (and the lovely polite staff in there as well), I felt intimidated by going into places that were confined and busy which meant we avoided them. Bars and restaurants were off the menu.

Not only that, but to me part of the point of being T is not just wearing the clothes, its trying to get some kind of social interaction and feedback as the gender I am presenting as. But, there is no way I will get that from 'normal' people since most will just not know how to deal with me. Not only that, but I just felt like a fake. I wasnt getting anything that made me feel more connected to my female side at any point throughout the weekend, if anything the opposite was happening. The constant scrutiny was reinforcing the fact that I was definitely not female.

In the end the realisation was that it just isnt worth it.

So what is the point? Where am I going with all this T stuff? I am bored of doing it at home alone, spending hours and a lot of effort getting myself all dressed up for no real reason. I dont like the 'scene' places either, where I feel like the people there (and not only some of the T people) just seem to pander unnecessarily to the stereotypes inflicted upon then. But then it seems that going out in public is also not enjoyable either.

Maybe I was just being too ambitious. But, I cant think of any other options.

What to Wear

The hotel is now paid, so im totally committed to going. Scary but so exciting! :)

In preperation of the upcoming London trip I have been trying to buy some new clothes. I wanted to try and blend in/not stand out as much as possible in the daytime wearing trousers and a top with a zip up hoodie I have bought, and then maybe wear a dress for the evenings with some flats.

I tried on some outfits today and unfortunately when I wear trousers my figure just looks too boyish. Ive never really wanted to get hip pads before now but seeing myself look like this has certainly made me reconsider. Im already using prosthetics on my chest, so why not on my hips as well? I know im never going to be convincing but its just too much. I have bought a casual skirt that I really like that I was going to wear as a backup with some leggings, but it just sticks to the leggings and I dont really fancy going bare legged. I havent tried it with tights but I guess the result will be just the same.

I was on the lookout for some smart, going out flats I could wear out since I know ill probably chicken out of wearing heels in the night time (although I will take them anyway, just in case) but had no luck finding any. I also want to get some new makeup as well, although im not sure what to buy. Any recommendations?

I also bought some new boobs from the breastform store, their gold seal forms. I have to say, they are a massive step up from the bosom friends forms I have been using for the past few years. The shape is so much better on the chest, and I like the feel of them. The only thing is they slightly stick out at the top where the seam is, and this can sometimes be seen through my tops if im not paying attention. They are meant to be attached to my chest, ill have to see about maybe just sticking the top of them down.

So back to London... there are a few things im looking to possibly do but im not sure the best places to go.

• Im looking to get a new wig
• Im looking to get my nails done, possibly a manicure
• Im looking to possibly get my makeup done one night

Does anyone have experience of doing these things in the capital? Where is good to go to?

So Many Clothes, Nothing to Wear

The Bristol trip was cancelled at the last minute, so I was going to spend today dressing up anyway, although that didnt quite go to plan.

Ive got so many clothes at the moment, even im beginning to think ive got too much! This isnt really a problem for me, what I have a problem with is trying to find outfits that actually work. As much as I like putting on a nice frock and heels, they are best saved for nights out (as infrequent as they are) so when im dressing at home I go for a casual look. I have so many tops, vest tops, cardi's, trousers and so on but whenever I dress at home I always end up dressing up in the same few outfits. Part of the problem with this is the hair, I only really shave my body hair (which includes my chest) for special occasions because of the reactions I get and it seems most casual tops and dresses seem to like to expose this a bit. I have so many cute casual items that just leave my chest fur showing.

Today I spent ages going through my clothes trying to find a new combination for a change and I have actually found one! The only problem is its taken me so long to just find something I like that I cant be bothered to dress up further. Im dressed up, clean shaved, and ive even put a headband with a cute little bow on it on my shaved head but I think this is as far as im going to get today. The house is a mess and I cant be bothered to add to it with my makeup too. Tidying all this away is going to take ages as it is.

Maybe next week, and ill probably take some new photos too with my new camera.

Shopping

I dont really help myself by continuing to add to my collection! I went shopping yesterday by myself in town, im definitely getting a bit braver on that front. I ordered some black patent heels and a patent clutch (for a future night out maybe?) online and got them delivered to a local store in the city centre, and then went shopping for some clothes as well. I came back with a nice wine coloured drapey dress from New Look which is really flattering and goes really well with black tights and the aforementioned heels and clutch. I also bought a top which im unsure whether to keep or not, its meant to be loose but I dont think I really have the bum for it and it looks too baggy to me. Im not going to take it back straight away, ill have a think about it. I know im never going to look perfect so im just trying to decide if it looks nice enough.

I also bought some trousers as well from Vero Moda which at the moment is one of my favourite clothes shops (along with Vila, Pieces and Only who I think are part of the same company) but I think im going to have to stop going in there for a while, I think theyve figured out that im going in for myself. Its only a small store and theres a girl who ive seen in there a few times now who always asks me if I want help and gives me a knowing smile, and on my most recent visit when one of the guys rang up my trousers he smiled and said "wearing this on the weekend?". I laughed, smiled back and said: "oh no, my secret identity has been discovered, dont tell the missus!". We had a laugh about it but I think I might stick to shopping on their website for a while.

Website

I havent forgotten or given up on the website idea, ive just been having a think about how I want to approach it. I get the feeling there isnt really a template that I can use that will do all that I want it to do as far as the main feature is concerned, and its beyond my expertise. I might have to buy a base template and then pay another developer to customise it. Its going to cost me a bit so im considering my options. In the mean time ive just about finished the logo, I havent used graphic design software in years. I used to dabble a little in Adobe Illustrator, and have basically been re-teaching myself on open source software called Inkspace. Its taken me a while but im slowly getting to grips with it. Ive left the text part of it out since I dont want it to give any clues about what the site will be, but this is the general design. The black part is meant to be blurred but it isnt exporting like that for some reason. Also I might change the outlines to black to make them stand out more. Ive got a couple of different variations on the logo and I keep adding more.

Dressing Up, Boobs and Shaky Hands

Ive been off for a week with absolutely no real life plans whatsoever, and im back in work on Saturday (boo!). In this time I could have done a lot of things, I could have even ticked a few new years resolutions off the list but I havent even bothered. What I have noticed is a change in my sleeping habits, not wanting to sleep at night and then having difficulty sleeping when I do eventually go to bed, and also sleeping in the day or at least feeling so lethargic I cant bring myself to do anything. I think this is just me still in my lazy pattern. When im back in work this will change, well, it will have to or im going to get tired out very quickly!

Yesterday I set myself the goal of dressing up today because my week off is nearly over and I wont get a chance to otherwise, and I did it. It took me a while to get motivated but I got around to it eventually and was fully dressed by about mid afternoon. I still have so many problems with eye makeup its getting quite annoying now (and I jabbed myself in the eye with mascara today, ouch!). Ive watched numerous YouTube tutorials and read so many resources but I just cant get it took look right at all. I dont know if its technique, rubbish brushes, the wrong colours, the makeup itself, something else or a combination of all of the above. I think I might spend some time just practicing around the eyes a few times a week, I just cant get eyeshadow to look like anything more than looking like ive been punched in the face.

Dressing up today didnt have its usual effect. I found myself doing my usual and just looking at and inspecting myself in the mirror for ages but I didnt feel happier, calmer or any of the usual effects. To be honest it just felt like I was going through the motions for the sake of it. I got my camera out and tried to take some photos since my last batch turned out terribly and again just arent happy with a lot of them. Shaky hands for most of the selfies, and when I was playing back the videos I just looked so awkward that I was only happy with few screenshots. The poor lighting didnt help the image quality of the video either. In the end I was only dressed for a few hours before my gf was on her way home from work and I decided to peel it all off before she got back.

I just dont get it, my T side plays on my mind almost constantly but I get a moment to dress (well ive had a week) and I just cant get into it. I know I cant force it but it just feels like im letting myself down.

So what else have I been thinking about this week... Boobs. Apart from the fact that I long to grow my own and regularly day dream about it, I have been shopping around for an upgrade of my breast forms to a pair of silicone forms but there is so much choice. At one stage I was seriously considering the RealBreast Cleavage forms but its a lot of money to pay for something im probably only going to use a few times a year. If I was a serious week in week out t-girl (I wish) then I might have considered it. Otherwise, im stuck and I dont know what to get. Im unsure on what shape to get between triangle and assymetrical, and im also unsure about what brand to get. Amolux? Breastform Store Gold Seal? Something else? They can be quite expensive and I dont want to pay that much money for something that could be poor quality. There just arent that many independent reviews (that I can find) to make an informed decision, its quite annoying.

Ive also been thinking about laser beard removal. Im not sure if my gfs permission to get it done back in 2012 still stands, I might have to double check but as long as she gives the go ahead I think I might go for it. Im fed up of my beard, even as a bloke it just makes me look like a tramp and im fed up of the state it leaves my face in after shaving.

Tomorrow im going to go into town to return some girl clothes that dont fit right, maybe buy some more girl clothes, maybe buy some new eye makeup, and probably buy a new camera too. My camera is quite old now and is getting quite irritating, especially when I want to take some selfies of myself all dressed up. If I take photos then so many have to be binned because of shaky hands, or if I try to record a video the quality drops dramtically and the pictures look a lot darker. The camera ive been looking at has really good image stabilisation, records video at 1080p 60fps, and even lets me control and take photos remotely via an app on a smartphone or tablet. So, in theory it should make taking photos massively easier. There are some downsides with the camera but I might just have to deal with them to be honest.

A Few Random Things Update

Im sorry for not replying to those of you who commented on my last post, its just been a bit of a manic week and I havent really been keeping up to date on here.

Last Wednesday I had my GP appointment and told her about the side effects id been having and she said I needed to come off what id been taking. The option was given to change medication to something else but with how crazy the side effects had been I said I wanted to try and come off the anti-depressants entirely for a little bit to try and clear my head, but if I start feeling really low again then I would consider something else. On Wednesday I dropped my dose down to 1 a day, and starting Wednesday I will drop it again to 1 every other day and just take it from there really. Since reducing the dose the dreams have still been as intense and crazy as ever, however the bouncing around in bed as I sleep thankfully seems to have calmed right down and all I do at the moment is still talk in my sleep. Im hoping this will also die down as time goes on.

On Friday I already started to feel the effects of the ADs reducing, and I cant say it is for the better. My general mood has been lower than it has recently, and while ive been able to put on a brave face inside has been a different story. I wont go so far as to say im feeling the depression again, but im feeling generally pretty indifferent to life at the moment, and the lump in my throat seems to come back from time to time too. The only exception to this was Saturday night.

On Saturday night I went out clubbing for the first time in probably a year or more, and I loved it. Sadly I went as a bloke but I was happy for the chance to blow off some steam. One of my favourite old school UK Hard Trance DJs was booked to play at a local night and me and my gf went out for a dance. We didnt bother trying to meet up with old friends or anything, we just turned up, had some drinks and danced like mad for hours. Its been a long time since ive heard music like that and even longer since I heard music like that on a club sound system, and it made me realise how much I miss clubbing. On the flip side of this though I also had the odd bout of dysphoria to get through too. There were too many trendy girls dressed the way I would want to dress to go out clubbing, and on occasion it really put me off although for the most part I just concentrated on the alcohol and music to relative success. That night made me realise that I think my 'raving years' were an effort to try and bury this side of me. For many, many years music, partying, and drugs were the centre of my life. They were the only things I concentrated on and while I had bouts of thoughts about wanting to be a girl, they were nowhere near as extended and severe as before or after.

On Sunday me and my gf went into town and did some shopping, went for food, and generally had a relaxing day. I bought some new clothes which are really nice, however when it came to trying them on today almost none of them fit right, it is so frustrating!!! I was going to dress up today (again) but got so annoyed it put me right off. Im fed up of this, I just wish my shoulders werent so bloody huge!

And finally, ive had an idea for a trans* website that as far as I can see hasnt been done before. Ive gone so far as to brainstorm a few ideas but am really not sure where to start on setting it up. Problems I will have are actually creating it, hosting it, spreading the word, monetizing it, and so on. Im not too fussed on making any kind of profit, but I think I will need to stump up some cash to initially buy the website template, and also to host it too so am more bothered about covering those costs really. If anyone has any insights or experience in doing this I would love some advice!

New Wig

I finally managed to get a new wig and I am so happy with my purchase! I popped over to Contrast Wigs for a fitting and came back with a very long brown wig which not only has a parting (something my last wig didnt have) but its long enough that I can wear it up too!

I was very nervous when I got there, ive only ever met a few people to talk openly about this side of me, and I suppose non-trans people make this a little worse. Sue was very nice though and managed to put me at ease.

I was only meant to be there for up to an hour but I was so indecisive with the wigs she gave me, she ended up just leaving me to it with the final 4 for ages while I went backwards and forwards trying them on and retrying them again and again. I finally made my mind up and got the one in the picture. I forget what it is called though, but I think it is the Willow XL. And to top it off it is fairly reasonably priced too.

I wasnt able to do anything with my old wig because of the design of it (it was only a cheap one) but with this one I have options! Ok, the parting is still stuck in place but I can at least wear it with clips, hairbands, and even wear it up too! This is one thing I really wish I could do in real life and having a wig that lets me wear it up is just amazing, I love it. I think im going to have to look at earrings now, I never saw the point with my old wig because you couldnt see my ears anyway. Also the quality of this wig is so much better than my old one too. It is synthetic but the feel of the hair is so much softer than my old wig, and it feels a lot lighter too.

Thank you Sue at Contrast Wigs for my amazing new wig, I think I will definitely buy from there again in the future.

Buying Clothes That Fit

I ordered some casual clothes the other day and my parcel finally arrived today, just in time to coincide with another day ive got to let Aimee loose! I wanted to get clothes I could wear without the whole hassle of shaving absolutely everything beforehand on my more casual dressing days, so I went for t-shirts and tops with high necks. I usually order from places that do free delivery and returns, so I can then order 2 sizes of what I want and then send back what I dont need. However, finding tops and t-shirts that fit right is incredibly difficult to do because of my man-shoulders.

Out of my whole order, only two tops (one t-shirt, one vest, both size 12/M) fit good, the rest were either too tight at the top or too loose at the bottom. Im aware that when it comes to clothes im going to have to make compromises due to my shape, but trying to decide whether to go too small or large is proving a difficult choice. I can fit into the small tops but they do look a little tight around the top, and I do think this looks a lot better than the excess material around the hips of a medium size. At the same time it does make my 'girls' quite pronounced, and I cant believe im saying this but it makes me feel a little self-conscious too. Not because they will be more on display, but more of concern about what my partner will think. She finds the fact I wear breasts a little strange, and was one of the harder things it took for her to accept about this side of me because it changes it from beyond just dressing up as a girl through to wanting to be one. One of the t-shirts that does fit has 'Bench.' in silvery glittery writing across the breasts and this also makes me a little self-conscious to wear it too, but not to the same level as the tight tops. I think I can get over it.

I think I need to sit down with my partner at some point and have a proper discussion about this side of me. We havent really properly talked about it since I came out to her. We talked about my past and what the effects are of not being able to express this, but havent really talked about the stuff, well, that I went to counselling for. Its difficult though because even after the counselling I still dont really understand it myself. I dont know what drives me to do it, and I dont know what I can do to get to a place where I am truly happy. Im still no closer to finding a male/female balance that is right for me, I have weeks of being fine and then weeks of feeling low and im not even convinced that my low feelings are entirely gender related. How can I have a discussion about something I dont even understand myself.