An Eventful Year

Hi everyone, it's been a while since my last post and a few things have happened during this time but I've just not had a chance to sit at my computer to get it all down.

Coming Out To A Friend

Back in July, I decided to come out to a friend I work with. She's the first person in my 'day life' that I've chosen to come out, and it was very scary. We've worked together for many years and get on so well, we have a similar sense of humour, trust each other with secrets (generally bitching about people in work lol), and recently she shared something with me about her that made me think it could be worth telling her and that she could be trusted.

I slipped a few not so subtle tests into conversation like "ugh (HP author who I shall not name directly) is all over my Twitter feed again" to see what her responses were going to be like. I also found out she has a non binary friend, so in the end I just decided to go for it.

After saying the words over WhatsApp, I was suddenly terrified of what I'd done. She is someone I work with, what if she decided to blab it around work? The culture is very pro LGBT there so my job wouldn't be at risk, but personally/socially? 

She seemed to take the news well, and we agreed to go for a drink after work about a few weeks later to properly catch up. We chatted a bit on WhatsApp during this time and it was almost like nothing had changed, although once or twice she had to reassure me everything was going to be fine. I was probably being a bit of a drama queen. :)

So we met up, had some drinks, and she had many questions and I opened up about everything. The real reason I moved away from home (THIS!), missed opportunities, the dysphoria, exploratory experiences. coming out to my partner, my recent night out, regrets, politics and society from our perspective, and so much more. I showed her a few photos and she said I looked so happy in them and "look at you with long hair!". :) 

All the things I'd prepared in my head probably came out as a rambling mess but it was done. She was so lovely, calm, and even offered if there's anything she could do to help. Our WhatsApp chats have now changed, we talk about outfits and she offers advice, and has decided that she's going to help me look foxy, whatever that means. :)

About a month later, she came over to my house and met me properly for the first time. We drank a bottle of gin between us and just chatted all day and night. I can't remember her exact words but I think at one point she said she prefers me like this, so there we go. :) I think I have a true friend in her.

Second Night Out

At the end of October I went to the legendary Tribe of Frog again with my friend Fran. I was much happier with my outfit and makeup this time, going for a more dramatic eyeliner and lip colour, and had a really good time.

We started with a quick drink at The Social which is a bar up the road. Like last time, the bar staff were really nice and one of them even came over for a little chat, asking why Fran was drinking Ale with a straw ("so it doesn't ruin my lipstick", "ah, we wondered if it would get you drunk quicker"). These friendly interactions made me feel so welcome.

Then we made our way over to The Lakota for our night out, and same as before, we had a brilliant night. The staff were all nice and respectful, our chats and interactions with other ravers was always friendly and respectful and fun. It all just felt normal and right, which is exactly what I wanted. And the music was banging. :)

I never thought I would get to go the kind of nightclubs and raves I like to go to like this. I still can't quite believe I get to do this now.

I had been feeling a bit dysphoric during the weeks leading up to this and I had a few pangs while I was there. On the odd occasion I couldn't help but compare myself and feel maybe a little inadequate against the cis women around me, when that hit me I suppose I felt quite self conscious. Envious maybe. It didn't ruin my night or anything but it definitely bothered me a bit.

We drank a lot and danced our little feet off, before finally leaving when it kicked out at 7am for our weary walk back to the hotel. And we now need to plan our next adventure. I recently found out Fold in London is an LGBT friendly Techno venue, so that might be our next destination.

My Partners Acceptance

Since coming out to my partner, apart from the rocky start she has always been accepting of my gender identity but over the last say 8 years it slowly became the elephant in the room for various reasons. Eventually this led to conversations getting shut down, she was happy for me to do things but didn't want to see or know about it, and eventually it became easier if not better that I just didn't mention it at all and did things without telling her.

While my night out earlier in the year had started to reverse some of this, I was still finding it difficult to open up with her. Coming out to my friend was a very spur of the moment, impulsive decisions, and against the backdrop of the above, I didn't tell my partner.

So after doing the deed, I had to tell her and she was not happy at all. We had a big chat and I tried to calm her fears, like no I wasn't planning on coming out to everyone, this was most likely a one off. It was a difficult conversation.

Over time though, our relationship seems to be changing in a positive way that I think this was the catalyst of. She's been making more of an effort to open up, to talk about this side of me, to want to offer advice and get involved. Over the months it's been awkward for me, it's taken time to get over the secretive habits I'd fallen into and worrying about what she would think about me and the choices I make with what I wear and do. But we have been working on this. She'd even suggested me dressing up around the house but I wasn't sure she was really ready for that.

As I was preparing for my night out she seemed to be showing genuine interest in what I was going to wear and do. In the week leading up to it I wanted to buy a dress in a different colour as well as a few other little bits, and she came with me. Shopping with her was something new, and she made it seem like it was the most normal thing. 

Then, last weekend I decided while my waxing was still relatively fresh, and while I was still full of confidence from my night out, and our recent conversations and shopping trip, to have a 'me' day at home. I put on a very casual outfit and light (probably too light) make up, and we spent the evening just watching TV like any other normal night in.

Over the night she was complimentary about my appearance, said I looked nice, held my hand for a bit and said she loved me. It feels like we've leapt over a huge hurdle here. God knows what really goes through her head but huge progress has been made and I'm very happy about that. Although I do worry that she'll suddenly snap back so I suppose I'm still a little cautious.

But overall, we're communicating more and the shame/embarrassment is getting less each time, and she seems to be much more accepting now. This has almost come out of nowhere and it's a welcome change.

So after maybe 7-8 years of slipping backwards, I've been on two nights out, have an amazing friend who now knows, and my partner seems to have really changed her view on this. It really has been an eventful year.

I update this blog a few times a year to share my personal thoughts and experiences that mostly I don't share anywhere else, but this time it feels maybe self indulgent? I don't know. Blogs seems to be a dying form these days. Does anyone benefit from reading stuff like this? My stats show I get quite a few hits I guess but I don't know why. 

Anyways, the world is a hostile place right now and I hope you are staying as safe as you can wherever you are. Take care and love to you all.

Chloe x

9 Years Blogging - Back Again For One Weekend Only

Hello you! It's been ages, how have you been? I hope you've been keeping yourself safe and well during this ongoing pandemic?

It's been about 9 years since I started this blog. How time flies! I feel like I should do some kind of retrospective or something, but life has pretty much stood still for the last 15 months or so, so there isn't really anything to reflect on apart from the amount of time I've spent at home and all of the junk food I've eaten (big thanks to Just Eat and Deliveroo!).

My partner went to visit her family last bank holiday weekend and I decided I was long overdue having some 'me' time. I took the opportunity to be honest with myself, be true to who I am and come out... as a size 16 woman! Eek! Where did size 14 go?!? I just seemed to skip past that!

So I used my weight gain as an excuse to buy some new clothes. It was time to accept the fact that the last few stretchy dresses I owned that I could still fit into were becoming a bit of a squeeze.

I spent ages trying to find clothes that might work for my body shape and size, but that would also cover parts of my body that needed covering and also look age appropriate while still looking a little fashionable. I'm fast approaching my forties and can't really get away with clothes that have bits missing or oversized sleeves. 

In the end I settled on a haul from Oasis, which I still find dependable for feminine, flattering (or forgiving?) but still pretty fashionable clothes (to me anyway). Most of this had to be returned as usual, but I kept two of the dresses because I thought they worked really well for me. One can be dressed up or down and was perfect for what I had planned to do that weekend, while the other is just beautiful and I can't wait to wear it on a night out.

After hearing some good things about Jecca Blac's makeup range from a few people I also decided to give some of their products a try since my make up collection was getting old and needed replacing.

I picked up their complete base bundle with their Blur and Matte Primer, a colour corrector and concealer palette and their contouring palette. I also picked up a limited time bundle with their Hydrate Primer, a pink lipstick in the shade U.R.U and two of their Play Pots in Iridescent and Red Touch. They say you can use these on your cheeks, lips or eyelids. I wouldn't have normally picked up the second bundle as it didn't appeal to me entirely but it gave me a chance to try the lipstick and Play Pots for a vastly reduced price.

So what did I think of them? Well, I don't have a huge amount of experience with primers but they seemed to go on well. My only complaint is that while the tubes look a reasonable size for the money, they only contain 20 ml of product. One of the tubes actually felt like it was half filled with air, which was very disappointing especially given their cost. 

I also found that the colour corrector and concealer for the beard area left that part of my face looking slightly yellow even after applying foundation and it seemed to really struggle with my 5 o'clock shadow. This seemed to be even more noticeable when I dressed up for the second day in a row, as my closest shave did not seem to be as effective as it was on the first day.

Previously I was using an orange-ish concealer from Bobbi Brown to cover my beard area and that seemed to work better for me. Maybe I need to experiment more with the Jecca Blac products or how I'm applying my foundation (NARS full coverage) to try and get the best out of them, I could be doing something wrong.

The lipstick was nice. It went on a bit dry at first (maybe because it was brand new?) but then the texture turned creamy while still looking pretty matte and it felt nice to wear. When drinking it transferred a lot onto cups but the colour seemed to be very persistent on my lips. I wasn't sure if I was going to like the shade of pink but I do. I also used the red Play Pot as a blush and it went on really strongly, but used sparingly and blended out a bit, I actually really like how it looks, especially compared to the powder blush I've been using up to now.

So my first day was spent trying on my Oasis haul, messing around with makeup and experimenting with various ways to style my wig in an up-do, hating how old I look now (there's so many creases!), and just having a fairly relaxing day taking loads of photos in various outfits including my new dresses, that were almost all deleted because the angle was wrong or my face was showing too many wrinkles or my smile looked weird. There isn't a filter in the world that can save this face unless the camera and pose is just so.

I've been lucky enough to work from home since the first lockdown started which really suits my lazy nature. Since I knew I wouldn't need to be on camera my first day back as I didn't have any meetings booked in, I took the opportunity to spend a second day dressed up in one of my pretty new dresses and looking as nice as possible while working.

I wanted to do this for a few reasons. I wanted to get a feel for a morning routine that included makeup and to see how well my makeup lasts over a long period. But most of all, I just wanted to use it as an excuse to get dressed up nice for a full day because left to my own devices, I often put it off until quite late on. This means I only usually stay dressed up for few hours at a time.

However, I wish a full day did not start at 6am. I did not enjoy getting up at that time just to start getting ready. At all. Not even a little. I haven't had to get up that early in over a year and a half and I almost gave up as soon as my alarm went off, but I eventually managed to will myself out of bed.

Even though my face felt smooth to the touch after shaving, my beard shadow just seemed to be more visible than the day before, meaning that my base already had its work cut out for it. Annoyingly, it was already quite visible through my makeup part way through the morning and I'm not sure what I can do about that. I also started getting a shiny face about half way through the day. I need to look into what I can do to control that as well.

Apart from the makeup issues, I really enjoyed having an excuse to stay dressed up nice for a whole day. It was comfortable and made the day a bit more fun for me, and made my job slightly more bearable. Slightly.

If I get the chance to, I'll definitely do that again.

As soon as I've got my second jab and when life starts to return to even a semblance of normality, I definitely want to start reconnecting with people again. Whether it's for a coffee, to go to some Trans friendly thing, or on a day trip or night out... I've really got the urge to get out of this bubble. After 15 months of this pandemic I'm so bored!

I only hope my social anxiety can take it.

Shopping

Last night after work I thought I would pop around some clothes shops to see if I could treat myself to something nice and girly this xmas. I was after some pyjamas mainly as I have no girly sleepwear at all but came home empty handed in that regard. I did however find a cute top in H&M and some (fake) fur slipper boots from Accessorize which were both in a sale. I would have been happy to buy more things but im really trying to be ruthless with what I buy. Ive bought a lot of clothes in the past which ive barely or never worn, and its a waste. Having a wardrobe full of stunning party dresses is great if you have parties to go to!

Ive been shopping in ladies shops before while dressed as a guy, and a lot of the time I just try and be confident and push through it, and on a few occasions even outing myself to the staff at a makeup counter. I didnt even need to one occasion but I was feeling brave! Sometimes though there is a niggling feeling or paranoia, and I get very self conscious of being the only guy in the shop, occasionally to the point where I have to turn around and leave.

Last night though I was absolutely fine, I had no issues walking around doing my thing, perhaps the cover of xmas helped. After a while of weaving through aisles of clothes I came to realise that other ladies in the shop were not paying any attention to me at all, they were just going about their business looking for something nice to wear. I also noticed I was not the only guy shopping solo in the ladies sections either, not only that but there were also groups of guys in there browsing and picking things out, presumably as presents for partners or family, but you never know! :)

Looking back I cant think of any time where ive been shopping where staff or other people have given me any impression that they knew who I was buying for (me!), apart from that one occasion last time I was in London where I was trying some ballet flats on and someone working there was watching what I was up to. But I was being pretty obvious then!

I guess the point of this post is to say not to worry too much if you decide to go shopping on your own. Guys buy clothes for the girls in their lives all the time, as long as you arent holding the dress up to yourself, im sure you will be fine. If you are worried, walk around with a list in your hand, have a pre-prepared excuse if you need to (xmas, birthday, etc), but other shoppers and staff wont bother you unless you give them an excuse to. And even if they do figure it out, does it really matter? The staff just want a sale, you might be the subject of their gossip for a bit but thats about it, and as for the other shoppers, who cares! If you are shopping locally though, obviously consider the chances of bumping into someone you know.

I usually shop online and its great if you are worried about being seen in ladies shops, but sometimes its nice to go out and actually see the clothes for real. I was in Topshop and saw a green one shoulder dress I had seen online which looked very pretty, but looked absolutely stunning seeing it for real. I wanted to buy it even though I would never be able to wear such a thing, and its on sale too. Damn it. I wish my hips were just a little bit bigger!

The Unexpected London Trip

Thursday was the day I finally decided I was going to go, that left me with two nights to book, pack and prepare. As my girlfriend was already going away this weekend, we had to wait and see if the vet would give our cat the all clear so I wouldnt have to stay at home and cat sit, before I could even consider going out anywhere. While the cat is still not perfect, she was ok enough for me to spend a night away. So, Thursday night I found a hotel, Friday night I booked a last minute coach and panic-packed, Saturday morning I was on my way to London.

I had been meaning to get together with L for some time now. Weve chatted on and off on tvChix for ages and never quite got any of several plans we had come up with in this time off the ground for one reason or another. At the last minute however we found an opportunity and seized it. After booking the hotel I didnt sleep properly for the two nights before I was due to go, less than 5 hours sleep per night. I was worrying, worrying if I had everything I needed like a decent outfit and all the makeup I would need, worrying about meeting L since I know I struggle sometimes if I dont click with someone, worrying about going outside again in public. I dont know, once id booked the hotel there was no anticipation, only trepidation. What had I let myself in for?

Packing was a struggle, my girlfriend had taken the decent case and we only had massive airport ones which I didnt fancy dragging around London. So I packed a large backpack and large holdall to carry, but had to compromise on what I wanted to take. Still, I managed to squeeze in a day outfit, a night outfit, a few different pairs of shoes as I couldnt decide what to wear, makeup, wig, boobs, and toiletries. Whatever I didnt have I would have to get in London, there was no time to buy anything before leaving.

Saturday morning was horrible, a 6am start to get up for the taxi followed by three and a half hours on a coach. Then traversing London and the underground half asleep carrying heavy bags to get to the hotel. I had booked into the Hilton DoubleTree Tower Hill Hotel, specifically chosen because it was very close to where L was staying. I arrived hoping to just drop my bags off so I could go away and do things before the 3pm check in time, but the room was ready which was excellent. Not only that, but they gave me two complimentary chocolate cookies as well which were delicious, especially after travelling all morning. The room was clean and tidy but nothing special, although bizarrely it had an iMac as an entertainment system. I only needed the room for sleeping though so the room served its purpose.

So after dropping my bags off I made my way across to Trendco as I had been in desperate need of a new wig for a while and decided it was time to get a nice one. It wasnt close and took me a while to get there, but I still ended up there almost an hour earlier than my appointment time. Thankfully they were quiet so they could see me straight away. I was led to a private fitting room at the back of the salon and after describing the kind of wig I was after (straight hair, my natural colour, about shoulder length), he went away and brought in 3 wigs. After trying them on he got two more and then we went round and round whittling them down until I was settled on just one. One looked comical as it was just so big, one I really liked the style but it was very straight and had a straight fringe that would not have looked good with my square face, and while I hadnt even considered having a bob haircut I really liked it, but it was a little more expensive and also my girlfriend likes her hair that length at the moment and I didnt want to be accused of copying her, so I didnt go for it. But, with a little help I did still find a new wig I was really happy with. If you need a wig I would happily recommend them, the guy was really friendly and helpful and as it is a salon they will also happily trim or cut your wig for you too, although I opted against this with mine.

It took about an hour to find a wig, by this time it was mid afternoon and I made my way across to Oxford Circus to meet L who had just got into London but hadnt been to her apartment yet, so still had all her bags on her. We had a quick sandwich and chatted for a little bit before going our seperate ways until later on. I got my eyebrows threaded at the brow bar in John Lewis, the same one I went to last time. I bought some makeup essentials in two seperate Boots and chatted to the girls in there about what I was after, and they never batted an eyelid and were very helpful. I also bought some sparkly ballet flats from New Look as I had chickened out of wearing the heels I had brought with me. Now, I have a suspicion that they thought I was up to no good in there for some reason. I had a good look around the shoe section trying to find the wide fit shoes, then when it came to trying them on annoyingly there were men sat on some of the seats. I chickened out of sitting next to them to try on my shoes so did it stood up in the aisle, and around this time a lady with a walkie talkie just casually walked slowly around where I was, while looking at the racks on the wall. Maybe I was just being paranoid or self conscious, but the timing felt off to me. No matter though, I wasnt getting up to no good and I bought my new shoes for the night.

I went back to my hotel, and set about grooming myself which took ages and the end result once again were depressing. Ive found using a single blade razor on my chest and upper arms significantly lowers the amount of red spots that come up, but I still cant completely remove the hair. Im still left with grey speckles all over my upper body. Also, this also did not help my upper legs where I still get lots of red spots. So I would have to wear black tights and a dress that covered up. The sleeves were not quite long enough but as it was late no-one would have been able to see the little grey spots anyway. After deciding on my outfit I then went to meet L for food. We walked past an unfortunate but amusingly named restaurant called ISIS but settled on a restaurant round the corner from my hotel. By this point it was already about 7.30-8 in the evening, the day had completely ran away from us. It was then that we remembered about another girl E who was interested in meeting us, we let her know we were in town and were going out but unfortunately it was too short notice for her to join us. After food, I went back to the hotel, picked up my outfit and makeup, then went to L's apartment to get ready.

I was actually really happy with how my makeup turned out for a change. Annoyingly the pump on my camouflage cream broke and I almost didnt get enough out to cover my beard, but apart from that I think I looked pretty good! I went horribly wrong with the eyes, I used one of those 3 colour sets which had a glittery pink, silver and black. As per the instructions on the box I used the pink all over the upper eye area above the crease and then the silver on the lid, but there was not enough different between the two and I just looked like I had gone overboard with glitter. So after putting on the black I just wiped off the pink  from above the crease with a face wipe, realised that this actually looked good so I left them like that. I also didnt bother with putting eyeliner on my upper lid either as I know I am terrible at it, and didnt use mascara on the eye lashes on the bottom lid because there are so few of them it just makes them look worse. So I just used eyeliner on the waterline on the bottom lid and mascara on the top, and it seemed to balance out.

Then off out we went. By this point it was llpm so we really didnt have long. After a bit of initial trepidation I was fine being outside, although im sure the cover of darkness helped massively. We accidentally took a more scenic route and realised on the way that as we had been in such a rush to leave I had forgotten to put my jewellery on! It was too late to go back, so we kept going and after a bit more wandering we eventually found our way to Wayout Club at the Mineries. Ive never really been a fan of any of the trans-specific events or club nights ive been to up to this point, but Wayout is probably the most tolerable ive been to so far. It was smaller than we both expected it to be, it has friendly staff, a dancefloor with a DJ playing the usual pop-dance remixes you find in any gay club across the country, and also seating areas that were away from all of that so you could actually speak to people. Bizarrely they were also showing sports including wrestling.


As we got there so late we went straight onto the doubles, found somewhere to sit and just chatted. Initially we sat outside but it got too cold for us and so we went in. We didnt venture onto the dancefloor which is a shame as I wanted to see L's legendary dancefloor clearing moves, but I didnt get her drunk enough in time! :)  I really enjoyed L's company though, we had plenty to talk about and I wish we had a bit longer to be honest. After a few hours Wayout closed and we went back to L's apartment to take a few photos. She had an amazing view of the Shard from her balcony so we had to take advantage of that while we were there. After that, it was time for me to get changed, pack, and go back to my hotel to try and get some sleep before coming back home the next day. I considered getting dressed in my day outfit and walking back to the hotel dressed, but as it was so late that wouldnt have been wise.

Considering it was all very last minute, I had a really good time and would love to do something again soon. While there was so much intense stress and preperation in such a small space of time leading up to what was only a few hours worth of dressing up time, it was totally worth it, and has given me an appetite for more. The question is though, what next? Ive said before that I dont want my trans-life to revolve around trans-specific places, but im fussy enough as it is as a guy.

In other news, im still trying to think of a new name. At this point im trying to think of one that reflects how I feel about myself, I kind of like being in the middle right now, so I was thinking of a name that works for or has a nickname that would be the same for both genders. As an example, Alexandra - Alexander - Alex. Theres a few that come to mind, one of which is a name that has popped up before, so I might decide to use that. Its so difficult trying to come up with something that I know is a name I want to use for the rest of my life. No pressure! :)

A Girls Weekend Away - London

Ive been slowly planning a weekend in London with a few online t girl friends and today I put the money down and paid for my train tickets. Its official, on Friday the 2nd May im going.

Let the stress begin! :)

There are so many things to plan, confirm and worry about on the lead up to it and ive got so little time off work between now and then I dont know where or how to start.

We will be there from early Friday afternoon and then be coming back on Sunday. First and most importantly, I have to decide what im going to wear! Should I wear heels on the nights out? What can I wear so I look feminine enough without standing out too much, especially in the daytime? What makeup will look ok? Will my walk be feminine enough? (unlikely)

Then there are the activities. What shall we actually do? What shall we go and see? Where shall we eat? Where shall we drink? And where can we go to the loo? :)

Then there are also the preparations as well. Shall I get a full body wax because of the reaction I have to shaving? Shall I get my nails done professionally? (Ive always wanted a manicure) What clothes do I need to make me look like I blend in?

So many things to worry about, so little time. If anyone has any suggestions or ideas I would love to hear them!

My Weekend At Sparkle 2013

So this is going to be quite a lengthy post about my weekend at Sparkle, I think overall I had a good time but am having difficulty justifying going again. There were definitely pros and cons but im having difficulty deciding which one tips the scales.

The Weekends Events

I spent the whole weekend in the company of my friends ML and CP who live near me, and who I have met once or twice before. Ive actually been out with ML before when we went to BNO in Milton Keynes last year. We journeyed up to Manchester by train and met one of their friends Nancy at Piccadilly Station. Nancy knew Canal Street and was sharing a room with CP for the first night but had to go home Saturday lunch time. She walked with us to the hotel, we checked in, and then we made our way to our rooms. Myself and ML were on the third floor in separate rooms although just across the hall from each other, and CP and Nancy were on the first.

For the first night I thought I would dress a little more casual so I wore my new blue dress with spots on it, leggings and sandals. When I was ready, I met Maya and then we made our way down to CP and Nancys room to meet them. When we were all ready we then made our way towards the hotel lobby which was down a flight of stairs just around the corner from their room.

It was quite a feeling hearing the roar of the hotel lobby getting louder knowing I was dressed as a woman, it was broad daylight and that there were a lot of people down there. We were all lined up walking down the stairs, then carried on out of the building, and I was at the back of the line. I was a tiny bit nervous but for some reason I was feeling really confident and just went for it. We were making our way across the lobby and there was no fuss or anything, but my first time in public in daylight was never going to be so easy. As we got to the door there was a massive gang of teenage girls just hanging around outside the door who saw us, and we were greeted by laughing, giggling, squealing and more. There was no escape, we just had to push through them and keep walking! The thing is though is that it never really bothered me, I actually found the whole situation quite entertaining to be honest! Its just my luck that this would happen!

So we then made our way to the famous Canal Street which conveniently happened to be just around the corner from our hotel. Its basically just one massive long street which has tons of gay bars, clubs, restaurants and hotels and it was very busy with all sorts of people, gay men, lesbian women, straight people just passing through and t-girls in all shapes, sizes, and different degrees of gender expression. It was definitely a sight to behold! We managed to get a seat at a table outside a restaurant and had food out in the sun. It was really nice to be able to do something normal and enjoy being outdoors the way that I was. While chatting and eating I was quite happy just watching the world go by, and taking in the variety of people. Afterwards then we spent the evening checking out a few of the bars and clubs along Canal Street, before finally ending up in Napoleons where Nancy was meeting a friend of hers. The only problem with the bars and clubs on Canal Street is that they all seem to play the same music, which seems to be the campier the better, and always loud! A bit of choice would have been nice, im sure not all people in the LGBT community only like music like that, and having somewhere quieter to go would have been nice too.

On Saturday we had breakfast in drab so we could see Nancy off, and then went to get ready to go to the Sparkle in the Park event. I settled on my brown and blue stripey dress and decided that since it was such a nice day I would have my legs out, and this was a decision I did not regret. It felt amazing to feel the breeze flowing around me wearing a dress, its definitely something I could get used too! One mistake I made was to take a leather handbag, those things can heat up quickly in the sun and can make you sweat! After getting ready we made our way down to the park which was actually situated near the end of Canal Street, so we really didnt have far to go to get there. The event was made up of stalls along one end of the park, selling clothes and wigs, and promoting TG social and support groups. And then at the other end was the stage with all sorts of music, drag, and dancing acts on. I will be honest, I thought the majority of the entertainment was pretty poor. Im not a fan of cabaret, as often it is very amateurish and far too camp for my liking. Also, im not a fan of drag queens either, I think they help perpetuate the comedic image that we are often associated with. There was one act on though that was actually really good though, a lone female singer and acoustic guitarist, although I forgot their name unfortunately. It was the most 'normal' act that I saw while I was there and they were definitely talented. One irritation though were the amount of cameras there, a lot of people were taking sly photos as well without the subjects knowledge, myself included. No doubt my face is now plastered across a few corners of the internet although I suppose im not really too bothered by that, im more bothered about if I looked good or not! Plus, I want copies!

Something I was surprised to see there though was quite a lot Furries dotted about the place. Ive got nothing against them at all, ive worked with a few over the years and got to know one of them quite well too, and he was a really nice guy. They are harmless, I was just surprised to see them there. Will we see LGBT becoming LGBTF in the near future? ; )

Later on in the afternoon we then made our way back to the hotel via a restaurant on Canal Street and proceeded to get ready for the evening. After stressing over what to wear I decided on my new Numph grey and black dress and decided I wanted my bare legs out again I reapplied my makeup and then we made our way back to Canal Street for another night of drinking and dancing. I actually quite liked a club called View, it was definitely less camp than most places on Canal Street and had on some dance music I felt I could put up with, but I felt very old in there! For the first time that weekend I had a little go at trying to dance and think I did ok, it turns out that if I tone down how I used to dance when going to Hard House events many years ago the footwork is very similar, I just had to do less with my arms. After a while though we ended up in Napoleons again since its fairly quiet in the downstairs room, and we had a few drinks before heading back to the hotel. We almost had a quick drink in the hotel bar but it looked a little busy and I dont think ML or CP were too keen on the idea.

All over the weekend, the people there were really nice and friendly. Staff in every bar and restaurant always used female pronouns when addressing us, and didnt look at us any differently than they would their other patrons. It was a nice feeling to be accepted this way at face value. On the flip side of this however are the 'admirers'. I was told by CP on Saturday that on our first night in Napoleons I was getting a lot of stares from men who were there, and at one point she deliberately stood in the way of someone who was trying to make a beeline for me. Im not sure what to think of this really but I suppose it is to be expected that at some point I am going to have to deal with men. I just hope that they accept that no means no.

On Sunday we checked out an hour early so we could grab some breakfast on the way, but then we had some major travel issues getting back. We were meant to change twice, with 15 mins at each stop to find the next train, however there were some complications. After our first change, there was a problem with the line in the middle of nowhere and we were stranded for about 20-25 minutes, then when we got to the next stop the train was so late that they just cancelled it, by this point we had missed the connection we were meant to have made. We then had to wait for another train to take us to where we were meant to change to get our final train to our destination. When we got there, we were in an unfamiliar station and when we finally found a board with the train times we found we had 5 minutes to catch the next train going our way! Just to complicate things, the platform number was not signposted anywhere apart from round a corner above a lift with a queue in front of it, which was apparently the only way to get to the platform! By the time we got down to the platform the doors were just closing but someone on the train kindly opened them for us, phew! What a nightmare!

Ponderous Thoughts

So over the course of the weekend I had a lot of time to ponder about my take on the trans scene, the people in it, and my place in it too as a straight part timer. On the one hand, its difficult for me to see myself as a regular on the scene because of the inextricable link to the gay scene. Just because im dressed as a woman doesnt suddenly make me want to dance round my handbag to high camp disco classics like 'its raining men'! But this seems to be what some (most?) t-girls want to do for entertainment.

I suppose in some ways though I think there is still some inner turmoil around what I am trying to get out of this too. Some of the t-girls I saw over the course of the weekend were stunning, and I dont just mean in looks, but in movement and speech too. Then there were the natal females too who were out on their girls nights out drinking and dancing, and next to them was me, who certainly looked the part but wasnt in the same frame of mind as them. I couldnt help but compare myself to the girls around me, I want to be like them in body and mind but it is a futile struggle to try and achieve that, I just cant seem to make myself 'femme' enough to get anywhere near that level, and I dont think this is just a physical thing, but a mental thing too. The thing is, a lot of the other t-girls seemed to be having no problems with this. They looked the part, acted the part, and were really getting into being their feminine selves but I just dont think I am feminine enough. My male mind seems to only want to go so far and it rebels at the thought of acting and thinking femininely. I suspect this might have been because of the company I was with, some kind of silly male pride in front of people I know. If I was alone I may have found it a lot easier!

So what is the point of dressing up if in the back of my mind I dont want to be feminine? The thing is, im not sure this is entirely the case. Some of these people have years and years of experience, maybe I just need to keep doing it and practice? After all, ive got 31 years of being a man to try and and unravel a little. Practicing isnt going to change my taste in music (thankfully) but I might be able to at least get myself in a more feminine state of mind, and loosen up a little. Something to try on my next outing perhaps? It just feels a little fake to camp up my act a bit, although im sure this would get easier with time.

One positive realisation I had afterwards was how normal it felt to be out like this. Being out in public dressed up didnt bother me at all. Even though the majority of the time it was in the safe haven of the gay village, we still had to walk down a few busy roads to get there and I wasnt fazed at all!

Social Anxiety

I knew this weekend was going to test my social anxiety, and I wasnt wrong. Being dressed up in the middle of the day on a busy Manchester high street, no problem. Talking to people? A bigger challenge apparently! Over the weekend I met Nancy who was someone new, and also bumped into AP who I have chatted to on Angels and Flickr in the past, and also Davina who I chat to occasionally on tvChix.

In all 3 cases I found conversing really difficult. If we were chatting one on one I dont think I would have had much of a problem but being in a group made me hyper aware of what I was saying because of the audience. Because my brain was over-analysing everything I found myself mixing words up or saying the wrong thing, which then just made me feel stupid even if I knew it was just a minor thing and this caused me to just over-analyse even more. More often than not I just avoided conversation all together. This was easier with Nancy since she knew ML and CP already so I could leave the conversation to them. However, with AP it would have been rude not to try and make conversation with her but with the audience I found it quite difficult to engage brain. Davina I was meant to be meeting over the weekend anyway but I randomly bumped into her twice on Saturday. She was someone that only I knew out of our group, which was even worse because all I could think of was ML and CP standing there listening to what I was saying. I just felt on the spot and was over conscious of every single word that fell out of my mouth. After a quick chat I made excuses and we went on our way, I probably came across as a little rude (and if you ever read this im sorry!) but I was really struggling!

I do want to take this opportunity to apologise to Becca, who takes the time to comment on here and give me advice when im struggling, and who was at Sparkle as well and would have liked to meet up. I could have made more of an effort to meet with you and I really would have liked to as well, but I just wasnt comfortable with the social circumstances I was in over the weekend. I just felt awkward and I didnt want to leave you with any kind of negative impression of me like I probably had with others I had met over the course of the weekend.

Ah, being mental is fun!

Final Thoughts

Well, Sparkle is an amazing event to go to if you ever want to finally leave the safety of your own home dressed as your female self. Its safe, accommodating and friendly. You dont need to worry if you look good or bad, since there are many people there with varying degrees of style and convincing-ness,  and you will be accepted as the person you are presenting as. As long as your are comfortable that is all that matters.

Since I dont really feel a part of 'the scene' and dont have many people I would use it as an excuse to meet up with, im not sure I would make the effort to go again. But it has definitely filled me with the confidence to go elsewhere. The only questions now is, where?

2 Weeks To Go Till Sparkle

Ive been busy trying to figure out what I need to buy and prepare for before Sparkle. Ive bought a gaff from The Breasform Store which really does seem to help keep everything in check down there, but tucking is certainly uncomfortable. I cant cross my legs like this! Its definitely been easier as the day has gone on though. Ive also bought some sticky pads from there as well to stick my boobs down, but because of the material my boobs are made from (some kind of rubber, not silicone), im not sure ill be able to get the pads off again as the glue is meant to be quite strong.

I have also been practicing my makeup, the priority today was getting my foundation right and I think I have nailed it. The routine is as follows:

• Shave as close as possible (foam with the grain, oil against the grain)
• Toner
• Wait 5-10 mins
• Moisturiser
• Wait 5-10 mins
• Primer
• Wait another 5-10 mins
• Red lipstick for colour correction of beard shadow
• Keromask camouflage cream dabbed over beard with sponge
• Edges blended with finger
• Keromask transparent powder over the cream
• MAC gel foundation brushed on all over face and neck
• Edges blended with finger again
• Boots transparent powder brushed on top.

Its definitely the most natural ive managed to look so far, and looks far less caked on around my beard than usual. The only problem is when blending on the bottom of my neck it is paler than my face, so there is a noticeable mark where the foundation ends below my beard shadow.

I was going to get waxed in the week before going, but I still have red and sore razer bumps and/or ingrown hairs on my shoulders from the last time I shaved, I dont know if it would be a good idea to go in case it makes then worse. This then opens up the problem of how I am going to the hair from those areas before I go. Im desperately treating them every day with ingrown hair solution but they just arent going anywhere!

Im still deciding on outfits to wear as well, I think I might wear my blue leopard print dress on the Friday night, my white and blue spotty vest on the Saturday day with a skirt, and maybe a black slinky dress Saturday night, but im still undecided. I need to find out what the others are wearing to be honest. However depending on how my hair removal goes I may not be able to wear some of the things I want to.

Sparkle 2013

Well, ive just put my card details down and booked a hotel room in Manchester from July 12th to the 14th with the aim of going to Sparkle this year. Im actually feeling pretty calm about going, but for how long!

I can already picture what im going to be thinking over the next few weeks during the lead up to Sparkle. Im ok now but as the pressure mounts I can imagine something along the lines of:

Clothes - I need to decide on and/or buy 2 day and 2 night outfits for the weekend, plus I need to buy more shoes. Do I wear dresses in the day? Shorts? Tights or leggings? Heels or flats? How dressed up shall I be for the evenings? Shall I get my nails done properly? I need to get more accessories as well.

Paranoia - Will my outfits look ok? Will my makeup look terrible (this is one of my biggest worries!)? Will I be walking like a man in bad drag? Will I get mocked and laughed at by the general public? I dont want to be seen as a 'bad-tranny'!

Social Anxiety - Will I bump into people I know from online? Will I find common ground in conversation with them? Will I get on with them or bore them? Where will we be going? What will we be doing?

Ha, reading back the above does make me sound a little mental doesnt it, but I genuinely have minor issues with social anxiety. I had it really bad when I was struggling with depression last year and it is a lot better now than it was then, but I still have to fight it sometimes. Somehow I dont seem to have a problem with it in work where I manage a team and regularly have to deal with new people and situations, but when it comes to my personal life it seems more difficult to manage and I cant get a handle on why.

Anyway... Weve booked in at the Malmaison which is a little out the way and a little expensive too, but it looks like a really nice hotel. A lot of the offers available to Sparkle attendees and closer hotels were already taken when I looked into booking, I took too long making my mind up whether to go or not. There are some cheaper places that still have rooms available but to be honest it will be nice to stay in a nice hotel. They do have a spa there and im considering booking in to get my nails done while I am there, ive never had my nails done properly before and its something ive wanted to do for a long time! Im sure they wouldnt have a problem with this!

Something I need to look at beforehand as well is body hair removal. My chest and the tops of my arms are very sensitive to shaving, and come up in large and sore spots when I shave them. Since shaving them a few weeks back the spots are still there, although I am currently covering them with Sudocrem every day (yes its for babies but ive heard it helps because its antiseptic). I think since its a special occasion im going to have to fork out to get my body waxed a few days before going because if the weather is good I want to get my pins out! I just hope the waxing doesnt cause a similar reaction!

Going Out Attempt Number 2

So it looks like Bristol is back on the cards again, and we are planning on going on Tuesday! Thats the day after tomorrow! It was planned on very short notice and the whole group of 4 of us are free to go as well, plus we will be meeting someone there as well!

Im nervous. Really, really nervous. I know people in Bristol that live and work in the city centre (in fact very close to where we are going), what if I bump into them?

Ive been frantically practicing my eye makeup today in an effort to be at least half decent at it before Tuesday but I couldnt get anywhere with it. I was putting it on and taking it off so much the skin around my eyes are now raw from where I have been rubbing them with wipes. I dont know where im going wrong with it to be honest, ive followed a few tutorials, tried a combination of colours, brushes and techniques and every time I looked like id been punched in the face with a paint tray. Also because of the shape of my eyes, whenever I put eyeliner on my top eyelid it is pretty much all you can see when my eyes are open.

I think ill just put eyeliner on the bottom lid and mascara on my eyelashes on the top lid because I can do them fault free. As far as the shadow goes though, I dont know what to do to be honest.

The Best Laid Plans....

Well it looks like Bristol isnt happening. Our original group very quickly whittled down to just the two of us, and due to a few factors we decided it was best to postpone our night out.

On the one hand im a little dissapointed, ive spent a lot of time this week stressing, nearly not going, then persuading myself to go again. And today I went to get a hot shave in a barbers (which I shall talk about shortly), went shopping in town with my amazing girlfriend who helped me pick out some accessories and makeup, tweezed my eyebrows and also spent a good hour shaving myself too. It seems like a lot of effort gone to waste. On the other hand its probably a good thing because ive bought a load of new makeup and havent had a chance to test it yet. It could have all gone horribly wrong and I wouldnt have a chance to fix it. It does mean that tonight I will have plenty of time to test it now so I know if itll work for next time, which will make me a lot more confident.

So back to the barbers. I opted for a hot/wet shave with a pre-shave facial, which to be fair felt really good. When I sat in the chair the girl had a look at my face and said that it looks like ive got really sensitive skin because she could see irritation all over my neck from the last time I shaved, which considering I havent shaved since the previous weekend means it must have been quite bad. The facial was very nice but the shave was not so good, although I dont think I can blame the barbers themselves. The guy who shaved my face said that he got as close as he could but didnt want to go too close to the bone because he could see my face reacting. He asked if I wanted him to continue but I said that was ok for him to stop because at that point my face was pretty raw.

My girlfriend met me in town after my shave and she mentioned about how bad my neck looked after the shave, and after getting home and inspecting his handiwork while my face feels smoother the stubble was pretty noticeable, I think I can get a slightly better shave myself at home. Again, I dont think that is the barbers fault but I dont think I will be going to one again.

One thing that has come out of this though is that while we were walking back home my girlfriend said that she understands the discomfort I go through shaving my face, she had been thinking about it and decided that if I really wanted to get my beard lasered then I could. It was very unexpected and I love her so much for giving me permission to have it done, ive wanted to do it for a long time but she wasnt comfortable with the idea of me not having facial hair anymore. Ive told her for a long time how much my facial hair bothers me, and I think finally seeing the fact that not even professionals could do a good job has made her realise that it isnt fair on me to not have the option of doing it.

Plans For This Month

So it appears I might actually be going for a night out at the end of this month in nearby Bristol. Im not too sure of the exact plan at this point but I only have 2 days off work between now and then to plan and prepare, so I better get a move on!

I need to decide on an outfit, pick up accessories, a bag and maybe some new shoes. I need to finally get around to tidying up these eyebrows of mine. I need to practice eye shadow, eye liner and drawing in my brows too. We then need to figure out where we are going, how we are getting there, where we are getting ready, and how long we are staying for or maybe even if we are staying over. I also need to look at maybe getting my chest and arms waxed too, if not my whole body, and getting a cut-throat shave on the day. Im not going to be going to some T venue this time, im going to be out in a city centre on a Saturday night so I want to make sure I look decent.

The pressure is on!

Finally, A Day To Be Me

For the first time in a month or so now I have finally managed to get some me time. It took me hours to tidy up a months worth of being a man, but I finally managed it. I couldnt be bothered to get the camera out but I took a quick picture with my laptops webcam  to put on here. It took me ages to go through my clothes to find something to wear, I really need to go through what ive got and figure out what I need to get some complete outfits.

So after finishing up and looking at myself in the mirror, im fairly reasonably happy with what I managed to achieve. It has however all been done under artificial light so whether it would hold up on a day trip is unlikely. And as far as my mood is concerned, im calmer than I have been over the past few weeks but I wouldnt say my mood has lifted. But it has been nice to be able to primp in the mirror (I know, vain) and actually be happy with how I look, rather than be indifferent to the hairy beast I usually look like. I make absolutely no effort with my male side whatsoever, its a pointless exercise, you cant polish a turd after all. When dressing up though it actually feels worthwhile putting all the effort in, even though deep down I know I still look like a man when I am dressed up.

My girlfriend decided to make herself scarce today after yesterdays 'incident', she left at about 9am this morning and hasnt been here all day. She said she just wanted to give me some space for me to do what I had to do today. I feel bad that she felt she had to do that and I told her she didnt need to go out, but she chose to anyway.

I really need to start properly planning my year this year. I need to start putting dates on things, when will I sort my eyebrows out (they really, really need doing), when will I start exercise, etc. Plus my plan of going to London at the start of this year really hasnt gone anywhere apart from remaining a pipe dream. I really need to start putting some firm plans in place for that too. Ive got the money, I just need to get out of this miserable funk and start to actually do things.

My First Girls Night Out

This weekend I went on a girls night out to a popular Trans venue for my first public outing as Aimee with a few people I have met face to face before, and a few I havent. It was an interesting experience, and one which pretty much lived up to my expectations.

At the hotel beforehand, after I got changed and was ready I went downstairs to see some of our group that was staying in another room. It was my first time leaving a private space dressed and I didnt bump into anyone on the way there. On the way back to my room moments later I heard someone walking behind me, as I walked through a door I held it open and looked behind me as I did so. The man gave me quite a funny look but I just said 'here you go mate' in my normal male voice and then kept walking trying to suppress the smirk on my face. I realised that not only did I not care what he thought, but I actually found it quite amusing that I got that kind of reaction out of him.

The club was actually a really nice venue with very friendly staff although I didnt care for the music. If it was a straight venue and I wasnt Trans, I wouldnt go out to this kind of club at all. It was also a bit weird being in a club with a large number of Transgender girls of all different types, and this took a while to get used to (hypocritical I know!). As I thought I didnt make any new friends while I was there, typically people dont go to clubs to make friends, they go to socialise with existing ones.

The following day we went to a day event the same venue was also holding. I checked out of the hotel dressed up and the staff were brilliant, taking it in their stride. While we were packing stuff into the car there was a guy having a cigarette eyeing us up with a bit of a dirty look and again it didnt bother me at all. The day event was pretty boring so we only stuck around for a bit before getting changed and heading back.

Something I did find weird is I think my mind does seem to rebel occasionally from doing typically feminine things when dressed. I wanted to check my face to see if my wig still looked ok but it took me ages to convince myself it was ok to get my mirror out of my bag to check, and when I did I felt very self conscious at what I was doing. The same happened when I wanted to top up my lipgloss. It was very irrational. I also need to think about my mannerisms and how far I want to take them. I said to the group throughout the weekend that as I would have no chance of passing, I dont see the point of working on my voice because people would be able to suss me out before I even open my mouth. And as far as the mannerisms goes apart from the basics like walking in heels, I would probably not work on them either as I am just me when dressed. However one of our group who I had not met beforehand looked very convincing when dressed up and also moved very femininely, seeing this got me thinking. As we were driving back I came to the realisation that the movement does seem like an important part of it and I should make more of an effort to try and move a bit more femininely, but I will still leave my voice as it sounds.

The whole time I was out as Aimee I wasnt nervous at all about going out dressed up. I just took it all in my stride like it was the most normal thing in the world. I have realised I think I have a 'dont give a f**k' attitude about how other people see me when dressed, and I think this is a good attitude to have. The true test will be about being in a busier more public setting, and this is something I want to aim for soon. As it is though, I have been out of work for nearly 5 months now and dont have the money to do anything else dressed for the time being so I think it will be a while before my next trip away.

When I got back me and my partner had a really good chat about the my weekend out and the whole Trans thing and where I want to take it next. Out of respect to her I wont be going out anywhere local to us. If I was single I couldnt care less if people found out about this, I actually want to tell people. What I dont want though is the fallout of people finding out about it affecting her. It would be unfair to subject her to the possibility that people would probably be talking about her behind her back or cause problems for her on the basis of my lifestyle choices which I basically forced on her 9 years into our relationship.

Preparing For My First Night Out

Im meant to be going out on Friday for the first time dressed up and to be honest the lead up to it is frustrating me massively! Ive got some outfits together but the heels I bought are too loose, and im struggling with the makeup. Really struggling!

Ive just been to MAC and bought some concealer, foundation powder, and red lipstick for colour correction of my beard shadow on their recommendation, and I cant get it to work! I start by using a primer, then red lipstick over the beard, and then I have to use 3 layers of concealer over the beard and foundation over my whole face for it to look like it covers. The only problem is the texture doesnt look right, it looks 'bumpy' and caked on. Then dont get me started on the eye shadow! I cant get it looking right at all, I just look like ive been punched in the face.

Ive only got a few days to go and all this preperation is not only expensive but its stressing me out too!

Ticking Things Off The Tranny To-Do List!

Well in a few weeks time I will be venturing out to a well known Trans night dressed for the occasion, and will also hopefully be spending a bit of time the next day out and about dressed up to. I will be going with two other Transgirls I know who are both married with partners that know, and also live around where I live, and also two others that I have chatted to online that we are meeting there. The hotel is booked so I am committed now..... eek!

Im really really looking forward to it but also equally nervous too. Ive actually not been able to sleep the past few nights thinking about it, I cant decide if it is excitement or nerves though that is keeping me awake! Ive also been stressing over what to wear and had to pick up some new makeup for the occasion too. Im going to have to practice hard before I go, I want to look gorgeous for my big debut!

So much to do, so little time.....

I cant really afford this, but ive been feeling like ive been stuck in a rut lately when it comes to my dressing, I feel like I need to experience this now while the opportunity is here so I can see what it is like! Thank god for my credit card!