10 Days Since Coming Out

So a lot has happened in the 10 days since I came out to my gf, it was initially a very difficult time for us but im glad that I seem to have such an understanding partner and im glad I took the steps to tell her, rather than the easy way out and leave her.

So the day after my last post my gf was in tears again first of all but I reassured her that im still me, but with this extra piece ive been hiding from her while I came to terms with it myself. After this we decided to go to the park since the sun was shining, we sat on a bench and just talked for hours about everything from why I do it through to clothes and makeup. It was good to get it out and since then she has been a lot more comfortable with the idea. She still thinks its weird but has been accepting enough to go shopping with me, and she even bought me a top. She also met my alter ego for the first time 2 days ago and didnt seem to be fazed by it at all. Im able to move my stuff out of the box its been hiding in and as soon as I can buy a few cabinets tomorrow ill be able to store my things properly for a change.

I met with her friend and we talked for hours about everything and she seemed absolutely fine and supportive with it. She came round again while my gf was here and we talked about it again as a group, even went so far as to talk about clothes and even go through some of my wardrobe.

My depression has all but dissapeared which is nice, I do worry a little that maybe shes not taking it as well as shes letting on in an effort to make me happy and this does get me down occasionally, but generally im feeling a lot better. I still have the occasional esteem issue but its a lot less of an issue than it has been. Im still going to see a therapist because while this is fresh I want to make sure that I know exactly what this is, I dont want to have a second realisation in 10-20 years that I should have transitioned or something and then hurt my gf for a second time. Id rather make sure now.

Coming Out Update

So yesterday was harder than actually coming out to her. I was totally honest yesterday with what ive been up to, where ive been, and who with. She was not coping well and eventually went to see her best friend to help her talk through it. I was not too happy about this, in an ideal world I only really wanted her to know and it felt like I was loosing control. I was angry, frustrated and felt very alone for a lot of the day, particularly when she was with her friend. I ended up drinking for a lot of the day because I didnt know what else to do.

Well it turns out that when she came back she was a hell of a lot more accepting and had calmed down dramatically. Her friend set her head straight and we are now going to move forward slowly with her having a bit more of an open mind. I got a text shortly after from my gf's friend saying ive got no reason to be weird around her and if I need someone to talk to then she is there for me. She said she knows nothing about it apart from Eddie Izzard so ive arranged to meet her on Friday 1 on 1 to answer questions so we can clear the air while her partner and child arent there.

Needless to say ive never felt more close to my gf than I do now, I hope we can make this work.

It Is Done

So its done. I told her, she had a cry, I had a cry (only a little one mind), and were taking it from there. She understands that its not something I can help and its not going to go away, but cant get her head around why I do it. I cant really explain why either which doesnt help. Shes a little freaked out by the thought of it too but doesnt want to give up on us. At the same time if she cant come to terms with it she understands it might be the end of our relationship. Theres no animosity which is a bonus tbh, if we did split it would be amicable.

Shes not being bitter about it but is finding it difficult to cope because she cant speak to her best friend about it. Ive told her im happy for her to confide in her friend if she likes but if her friend breaks that confidence the fallout will affect both of us.

I havent been completely honest with my activities to date (no I havent met anyone dressed before) but I have told her I intend to socialise at some point with other TVs. She hasnt asked what my other name is yet and hasnt asked to see.

This is going to be an interesting week.

Today Is The Day

Well this is it. My gf comes back from holiday today and I plan to tell her about Aimee later on this evening. Ive got a letter all prepared (I will update one of the letters ive already got on here with the final draft soon) which outlines everything. Ive also got a photo ready just in case she wants to see, and ive specifically picked one which proves I do what I do but is of me not looking my best to make sure I dont play into any insecurities she may have that I am not aware of.

I thought I was fine with this but yesterday I was feeling extremely anxious and I am again this morning, im shit-scared! When I was speaking to my therapist the other day she asked if I was prepared if it went badly and told everyone, and I think I am. On the one hand I dont really care, truth be told ive never felt that close to anyone since moving here. Ive got plenty of friends who I get on with great but ive never felt like ive had friends like my best friends I grew up with back home, no-one particularly close. If they dont take it well then thats fine, they are people I could do without in my life. On the other hand I cant help but worry about what people think of me because of my low self esteem, and this is something which if it gets out will certainly change peoples perception of me sometimes in quite a negative way. And because my family, partner, friends and work colleagues are all interlinked, the word will literally get out to everyone in my life and there will be no escape.

I am aware of a lot of peoples preconceptions about why we do what we do, and I do have an opportunity to educate them about it, but its still going to be a massive upheaval and one that I am not looking forward to.

Heres hoping I dont chicken out.

Getting Help

So today is a day of more packages coming to my house full of clothes for me. Ive got friends who dont know about Aimee coming around shortly to make some tunes so im not able to dress up, and im hoping they leave early enough for me to be able to iron and pack my clothes ready for my makeover session tomorrow.

The biggest news is one of the therapists I emailed over the weekend sent me an email this morning inviting me in for an appointment this week. Ive asked for Thursday evening and I hope its still available by the time she gets my email. I dont know what to expect to be honest, at the moment ive been feeling a lot better than I have in recent times but I dont want to kid myself im better and I dont need it, who knows when it could strike again. Maybe the act of coming out to my gf will make me feel better, negating the need for these sessions. Well have to see. I might just go for one and see how it goes.

What Next

So this week is turning into a bit of an event for me. My gf is on holiday with her parents and that means im able to take the next steps ive wanted to take for so long:

Ive shaved my body from head (well neck) to toe. Its all gone, even the undercarriage. Heres a massive tip for you, dont use Veet for men, it is rubbish! Ive just tried a second go tonight and its just left loads of hairs everywhere. After giving up and going over again with my razor, other complications include tiny persistant hairs that the razor just cant seem to get all over the place but often barelly noticeable, shavers rash all over the place, hairs on my back I just cant reach and cuts all over the place. On the other hand, it feels amazing to be smooth!

Ive got some new boobs, they stick out about the same as my old ones but they are wider and as such look a lot fuller. I think they look a lot more natural than my old ones and im very happy with them.

Ive got loads more new clothes including my first LBD!

Ive arranged to go to a dressing service. Sophies in Bath to be exact, ive heard good things and after speaking to Juliette it sounds like im going to learn a lot. Its cost me more than I would have liked but what the hey I thought why spare expense. Im hopefully going to learn some things that will do me well so it should be money well spent.

Ive arranged to meet quite a few new trannys. Im not expecting me to get on with all of them but hey I dont know if I dont try.

Ive started emailing some local counselors/therapists to try and discuss my issues with them. Im hoping to get a session in this week. Im really bad for trying to self diagnose my state of mind, I really need to go in there with a clear head and let them do the figuring out,

Im still planning on sticking to the countdown and tell my gf when she gets back, im going to have to tell her something ot explain the loss of my hair! Ive got some websites and support groups for partners of trans girls to hand but I doubt it will be enough. I honestly think that countdown is representative of how long is left of our relationship.

Coming Out Letter - Final Draft

<Insert Name>,

Its very important that you take the time to read this letter fully before asking any questions or forming your own conclusions. I want you to remember that opening up like this is an extremely difficult thing for me to do and im doing so in the strictest confidence, but I love you very much and I need to explain a few things to you. If you dont think this is something your not going to be able to chat to xxxxx, xxxx, xxxxxx or anyone else about then stop reading now.

Ive decided to write this as a letter because ive got some things I need to get off my chest, and I fear that by trying to talk to you about it I might not get my points across the way I want to and you may misinterpret what im trying to say. I want to explain to you where I am at mentally and also share with you something extremely personal to me that you do not know about, something which will probably change the way that you see me as a person. Im very unhappy with my life as it currently stands. Im unhappy with my job, with my social life, and especially with my current state of mind. You are the only good thing to happen to me in my life so far and im aware this has been and will continue to affect you too. I need you to understand what im going through and why this is the case so I can try and move forward and make the changes needed to try and get myself back on track. Im not going to be able to move on until ive admitted to myself, and also you what is going on inside my head.

First off I need to tell you that I hate myself. Not in a 'I want to end it all' slash my wrists kind of way, but in a contemplative but also intense 'I wish I was someone else' kind of way. I hated my life up to the point I moved here and was constantly the target for bullies because of my name and size, and after so many years of this it has had a knock on effect on my personality that has been difficult to shake over the years. I thought I was doing well since moving here but over the past few years ive found myself sinking back into my old way of thinking again. Currently I have no self esteem, no confidence, and feel like I am socially awkward to the point of hating going to social gatherings for fear of making a fool out of myself in some way, which more often than not I do.

Mistakes I have made however big or small I replay in my head again and again to the point where at least several times a day I curse and swear at myself out loud or get sucked into it in my head. If a recent incident was especially embarrassing I cant shake that embarrassed feeling for days or even weeks. Youve caught me shouting out around the house several times, but ive played it off as me saying something else. Also remember when we were on the tube coming back from London and you asked me what I was doing because it looked like I was talking to myself, that was one of those times where I was in a world of my own replaying an incident in my head. When I havent done anything recent I end up having little flashbacks of a random something that usually happened many years ago and still troubles me so I still beat myself up about it. I cant help it, and it feels like its never ending.
 
Often these could be extremely minor incidents but they play heavily on my mind, and because of my self esteem this gets to me a lot more than it should. The knock on effect of this is that I have difficulty motivating myself to do anything including socialising, and when i do im hardly the life and soul of the party. I dont get involved with group discussions, and when I do I end up stammering most of the time. I hate meeting new people and often find it difficult to think of anything to say no matter how interesting they are, its even worse when its a group of new people.

I have no motivation at all to do anything to get myself out of the hole I find myself in when it comes to my health and employment. I subconsciously seem to deliberately sabotage any way of finding happiness because I lack the motivation or the will to try and make myself a better person. I suppose if I hate myself so much why should I bother trying to make my life happier.

The next thing I want to tell you is something ive been struggling with for many, many years. I used to dabble in it when I lived back home and tried to put it behind me when I first moved here, I was successful for a time but it never goes away. When I try to ignore it eventually it becomes compulsive, it eats at me till I reach a point I cant think of anything else and I cant ignore it anymore. Its also something that will probably be with me for the rest of my life so I have to come to terms with it. You have to understand that when I cant express myself in this way or I think about how different my life could be if I could, it can really get me down. The depression ive been suffering with on and off over the past year or so has been largely because of work, but also partly because of my self esteem and confidence issue, and also partly caused by the need to express myself the way I want to but not being able to due to the stigma attached to it, and what you might think of me. Dont get me wrong, work was the catalyst and the main cause of when I snapped, but they have all played their part.

So around July last year I realised I didnt want this to turn into a regret to go with everything else that bothers me, I decided to try and explore it to see if letting myself get into it properly for a while would either get it out of my system for good or make me realise I would need to accommodate this in my life. I gave myself time to figure it out after which I would make a final decision about what choice to make, and this is why I have written this letter to you. As it turns out this is something that is a much bigger part of me as my music is, or art is to you. As such it is something I can no longer ignore.

This is incredibly difficult for me to admit, not only to you but to myself, but here goes. Basically I have a need to express my feminine side sometimes, and when I do I feel happier and more relaxed about myself than I do at any other time. Its something I need to express more than ive been able to so far and as my partner its only fair that you know about this. This does not mean I suddenly fancy men, want to take hormones or have surgery, and you should know there are many men around the country who also live with this successfully with their partners too. You have to understand that this is part of the man you fell in love with, its always been part of how I think and act and this doesn't change when I dress either, but it isnt going away so we are going to have to find a way to accommodate this into our lives. Im not expecting any participation from you in this, id happily keep this as something I do without you but I need to tell you about it because I dont want to keep secrets from you. However whether you are a part of it or not im not going to be able to ignore this anymore.
 
Its difficult to say why I do this, believe me ive spent the last year trying to figure it out myself but what I can tell you is that when im dressed up I feel a lot better about myself than at any other time. Maybe its the escapism, maybe its a defense mechanism I developed to deal with the stuff I had to deal with when I was younger. I dont know.
 
The above revelation however is a double edged sword. I find happiness when dressed, but at the same time I hate myself for being what i am. I really wish I was normal, I really really wish I was normal. A normal bloke who likes drinking and football, and someone who isnt putting you through what your going through now. But I cant ignore it, ive buried it for too long and I cant hide it anymore. It probably goes without saying that this is very personal to me, and im trusting you with this because I love you very much and this is something that has been affecting us both. Very few people have ever known about this and it is something that I dont intend to share with many people, in fact it is something I only want to do at home or well out of the way in another town.  Weve been together for a long time and I love you very much, but I need to explore this and find out how deep the rabbit hole goes because to be honest its driving me mad not being able to and my depression and anxiety is only going to get worse.

At this point you should understand why I need to make some serious changes to my lifestyle and the scale of the problems I have been dealing with emotionally. I chose a therapist who works in all the areas that have been affecting me, so is aware of all of the above and this is a large part of the ongoing conversation we will be having. If you need to speak to someone about how you feel or if you are unsure what to do or just want more information about any of the above, tell me and I can point you in the direction of places to go for information and support, including websites, forums and probably even phone numbers of people who have also dealt with this issue with their partners.

Id just like to sign off by saying I love you very much and im sorry I havent brought this up with you before, but it is something that I have only recently accepted about myself and I wanted to be sure before I told you about it.