I still havent dressed up since Sparkle which was now 2 months ago, but over the past few days ive taken a few baby steps. I have kind of let my appearance go lately so the other day I took some time to groom myself and tidy up my eyebrows a bit, I was going to dress up but after all the effort I couldnt face doing anything else. I also trimmed, filed, and painted my nails for the first time in ages too which was nice, and then took it off yesterday evening. It wasnt as fulfilling as dressing up but it certainly cheered me up a little.
Last night though I had an idea. Just before I went to bed I painted my ring finger on both hands in a few coats of clear nail polish and then wore it to work today! And im still wearing it now! No-one has noticed (as far as I know) and my partner doesnt know about it either. If she had noticed she would have brought it up. I dont know, I might have been having a good day anyway, but just knowing it was on, and being able to feel it when running my fingers over the nails seemed to make the day a lot more bearable, and the GD a lot calmer than usual. I might have to keep this up!
Friday, 13 September 2013
Tuesday, 10 September 2013
Drama Queen?
Recently ive been thinking am I just being too dramatic? Am I making the GD out to be worse than it is? On my better days like now I read back what ive typed on this blog and it feels over the top somehow.
This blog only reflects snippets of my life that are mainly related to my gender identity and expression, but as they are all in one place it looks like the whole. A lot of the time im able to get on with my life, sure the GD is still there bubbling away underneath it all but it doesnt stop me functioning, it just alters the difficulty sometimes as the levels of frustration fluctuates by quite a large amount but usually over a long period of time. Again, a lot of the time I can shrug it to the side and just get on with things but when I do have my low moments they can be really low. This is when I tend to post, and as such, this is why my blog looks like im just in a state of misery all the time. But those big gaps between posts are generally because ive just been able to get on with things and live a relatively normal life. And considering it can be weeks between posts, thats a lot of normality.
Maybe the anti depressants are helping in this regard, well they must be, that is their job really.
I speak about transition a fair bit on here, particularly when I feel at my lowest and most confused. Ive wanted to be a woman for most of my life, almost as far back as I can remember. It frustrates me that im not and im pretty sure on my deathbed itll be something I regret massively. But, deep down I just know its not the path for me, as much as I want it to be. At the same time, its difficult to make an informed decision about where I want to go with this when ive had so little experience living as a female, and this is proving to be a difficult thing to resolve with real life getting in the way all the time. As much as I want answers now im coming to realise I just cant rush this.
In some ways im kind of regretting getting the GP involved now, but its too late for that. I still want the counselling in an effort to help me cope with it all, and going privately last year only got me so far.
I want to thank everyone that has commented recently and emailed me, the range of advice and opinions you give really do help, and it means a lot to me that your willing to take the time out to share them with me too.
This blog only reflects snippets of my life that are mainly related to my gender identity and expression, but as they are all in one place it looks like the whole. A lot of the time im able to get on with my life, sure the GD is still there bubbling away underneath it all but it doesnt stop me functioning, it just alters the difficulty sometimes as the levels of frustration fluctuates by quite a large amount but usually over a long period of time. Again, a lot of the time I can shrug it to the side and just get on with things but when I do have my low moments they can be really low. This is when I tend to post, and as such, this is why my blog looks like im just in a state of misery all the time. But those big gaps between posts are generally because ive just been able to get on with things and live a relatively normal life. And considering it can be weeks between posts, thats a lot of normality.
Maybe the anti depressants are helping in this regard, well they must be, that is their job really.
I speak about transition a fair bit on here, particularly when I feel at my lowest and most confused. Ive wanted to be a woman for most of my life, almost as far back as I can remember. It frustrates me that im not and im pretty sure on my deathbed itll be something I regret massively. But, deep down I just know its not the path for me, as much as I want it to be. At the same time, its difficult to make an informed decision about where I want to go with this when ive had so little experience living as a female, and this is proving to be a difficult thing to resolve with real life getting in the way all the time. As much as I want answers now im coming to realise I just cant rush this.
In some ways im kind of regretting getting the GP involved now, but its too late for that. I still want the counselling in an effort to help me cope with it all, and going privately last year only got me so far.
I want to thank everyone that has commented recently and emailed me, the range of advice and opinions you give really do help, and it means a lot to me that your willing to take the time out to share them with me too.
Thursday, 5 September 2013
"Be True To Who You Are..."
The title of this post is a line my GP said today during another of my follow up appointments. Its a line that stuck in my head because on reflection, I dont know who I am anymore. Maybe I never did. My heads been trying to make sense of this gender crap for so long now that ive lost sight of where I came from and where I need to go.
When asked if I wasnt with my partner where do I think I would be now, I gave the same answer that I gave my counsellor last year when she asked the same question: "id probably have started self-medding hormones a long time ago". This is an accurate answer, but after thinking about it afterwards, would I have been doing it for the right reasons? I really dont know. I found it difficult to have a proper conversation with my GP about it, mostly because it was too early in the morning for me and I just couldnt engage my brain to consider my responses and properly convey what I wanted to say.
I see myself as me. A male me. A man me. A hairy, sweaty, lazy, miserable, ageing, masculine me. This is who I am, but I hate it. Equally, I long to be female. I cant begin to describe how badly I want it some days. Every waking moment filled with thoughts of what life could be like, and filled with envy, jealousy, depression and frustration whenever I think about or see the fairer sex, or those that have transitioned to join them. Do I hate the male me because I feel like I should be a woman? I dont think so no. I think I hate it because it makes it more difficult for me to become my female self when I need to. All that bloody hair, horrible skin, veins sticking out, knobbly joints and sticky out bones. All the things that are tell tale signs of testosterone infestation are things that I hate about myself. But, these are all physical signs. I think like a man, I behave like a man, I talk like a man, and it seems that all of the mental aspects im ok with. If I could just stay as I am and swap bodies I would be happy.
I think time is a factor, its slipping away at an accelerated rate and as it passes more issues have to be considered, and in turn stressing me out more. Ive been with my partner for 10 years, she is approaching the point where she will want children, probably soon. I need to have this gender conflict resolved so it can either give her an opportunity for a clean break and a chance to find someone else before time runs out for her, or know that I will be in a stable enough position to be able to stay with her and have kids together, without worrying about succumbing to GD. In an ideal world I would love to stay with her regardless of what direction I go in but I already know that transitioning would mean the end of us.
Bottom line. I want to manage this, and this is what I told my GP. Drugs, counselling, CBT, whatever it takes. Transition is a last resort for when all else fails.
But just typing the above sentence is making me feel like im making a mistake, its making me feel sad. But I dont think I could deal with the social suicide of going full time. Im not under any illusion of being able to pass, I wont. The testosterone has done its damage over the years and it will be plainly obvious to all what I used to be. Being an outcast, always being seen as different by friends and family, this makes me feel sadder. It just seems ive got to decide between 2 pretty shitty outcomes, neither im going to be completely happy with.
I just dont have the time to figure this out, and this adds to the pressure.
When asked if I wasnt with my partner where do I think I would be now, I gave the same answer that I gave my counsellor last year when she asked the same question: "id probably have started self-medding hormones a long time ago". This is an accurate answer, but after thinking about it afterwards, would I have been doing it for the right reasons? I really dont know. I found it difficult to have a proper conversation with my GP about it, mostly because it was too early in the morning for me and I just couldnt engage my brain to consider my responses and properly convey what I wanted to say.
I see myself as me. A male me. A man me. A hairy, sweaty, lazy, miserable, ageing, masculine me. This is who I am, but I hate it. Equally, I long to be female. I cant begin to describe how badly I want it some days. Every waking moment filled with thoughts of what life could be like, and filled with envy, jealousy, depression and frustration whenever I think about or see the fairer sex, or those that have transitioned to join them. Do I hate the male me because I feel like I should be a woman? I dont think so no. I think I hate it because it makes it more difficult for me to become my female self when I need to. All that bloody hair, horrible skin, veins sticking out, knobbly joints and sticky out bones. All the things that are tell tale signs of testosterone infestation are things that I hate about myself. But, these are all physical signs. I think like a man, I behave like a man, I talk like a man, and it seems that all of the mental aspects im ok with. If I could just stay as I am and swap bodies I would be happy.
I think time is a factor, its slipping away at an accelerated rate and as it passes more issues have to be considered, and in turn stressing me out more. Ive been with my partner for 10 years, she is approaching the point where she will want children, probably soon. I need to have this gender conflict resolved so it can either give her an opportunity for a clean break and a chance to find someone else before time runs out for her, or know that I will be in a stable enough position to be able to stay with her and have kids together, without worrying about succumbing to GD. In an ideal world I would love to stay with her regardless of what direction I go in but I already know that transitioning would mean the end of us.
Bottom line. I want to manage this, and this is what I told my GP. Drugs, counselling, CBT, whatever it takes. Transition is a last resort for when all else fails.
But just typing the above sentence is making me feel like im making a mistake, its making me feel sad. But I dont think I could deal with the social suicide of going full time. Im not under any illusion of being able to pass, I wont. The testosterone has done its damage over the years and it will be plainly obvious to all what I used to be. Being an outcast, always being seen as different by friends and family, this makes me feel sadder. It just seems ive got to decide between 2 pretty shitty outcomes, neither im going to be completely happy with.
I just dont have the time to figure this out, and this adds to the pressure.
Friday, 30 August 2013
Frustration
So the last few days have been particularly difficult. The GD has been coming back with a vengeance, and in turn the low moods that come with it. I dont think the anti depressants have been working as well as they should do anymore. Ive just not been able to switch off, and have felt like crap because of it.
The morning walk to work has always been particularly difficult even since being on the happy pills, especially now since my walkman doesnt work anymore so I literally have no distraction on the 35 min walk. However when I get to work I can usually busy myself and then forget about it within about 10-15 mins. Yesterday though I couldnt shake it and its stuck with me pretty much since then. The slight feeling of wanting to cry all the time (one of the things which prompted me to go to my GP last time) has been there pretty consistently up until now, and ive also been miserable, depressed, demotivated and snappy. Ive had urges to hit things, urges to just stop walking, give up and drop to the floor, urges to shout out in frustration, and so on.
I hate this. Im in a rut and I need to be more proactive. The only way im going to figure this side of me out is by giving it more room. I havent done anything since Sparkle, I talk about going out more regularly and have done for ages, but actually havent got off my arse to do it. To figure out where the events are, when they are on, the logistics of getting there, and so on.
I need to set myself a deadline. By the end of next week im going to aim to have a plan in place. Some places to go, some people to meet, something to do, and how to go about it.
The morning walk to work has always been particularly difficult even since being on the happy pills, especially now since my walkman doesnt work anymore so I literally have no distraction on the 35 min walk. However when I get to work I can usually busy myself and then forget about it within about 10-15 mins. Yesterday though I couldnt shake it and its stuck with me pretty much since then. The slight feeling of wanting to cry all the time (one of the things which prompted me to go to my GP last time) has been there pretty consistently up until now, and ive also been miserable, depressed, demotivated and snappy. Ive had urges to hit things, urges to just stop walking, give up and drop to the floor, urges to shout out in frustration, and so on.
I hate this. Im in a rut and I need to be more proactive. The only way im going to figure this side of me out is by giving it more room. I havent done anything since Sparkle, I talk about going out more regularly and have done for ages, but actually havent got off my arse to do it. To figure out where the events are, when they are on, the logistics of getting there, and so on.
I need to set myself a deadline. By the end of next week im going to aim to have a plan in place. Some places to go, some people to meet, something to do, and how to go about it.
Sunday, 25 August 2013
Pride
Cardiff Mardi Gras is just around the corner. On Saturday 31st August there will be a celebration of LGBT diversity and equality around the city centre starting with a parade throughout the city centre, followed by an event in the millenium stadium, and then finally later on in the evening a street party around where the cities gay bars are located. Will I be attending? Well, no. Im working throughout the day on Saturday anyway but could potentially make it to the evening event, however, I wont be.
Im proud of who I am as a person. Im proud of being trans*. But I wont be going to Cardiffs equivalent of Pride. Its a difficult thing being proud of who I am as a person and what makes me unique, but being unable to show that part of me to anyone outside the 4 walls of my home in case people close to me or my partner found out. Having to hide something I take pride in really bugs me.
Its difficult to feel part of a community that I also have to keep at arms length. Going away from my local area makes things easier but in Cardiff I could never attend any LGBT events while showing my true rainbow colours. I work with quite a few gay people and we get on brilliantly, but I also work with close friends as well. If I became a regular face at any night spots or events, word would soon get around im sure. This is so frustrating as being able to go out in my local area would make my life so much easier but I just couldnt take the risk.
I could attend Mardi Gras if I really wanted to. These events are open to LGBT supporters as well as the community and I could make up any number of excuses why I am there but as appealing as the idea of attending is, being there under the pretense of being a supporter wouldnt feel right. Plus I would find it difficult to explain to people I know why I am there when that kind of thing is the polar opposite of what I find entertaining.
The line-up for the main event seems to be full of b-list X-Factor drop outs, gay circuit entertainers, and other semi-pro performers and they are charging £8 per ticket to go see them. Mardi Gras used to be free however since going to the Millenium Stadium it appears not to be the case anymore. Im not exactly a fan of this kind of 'gay friendly' entertainment having experienced similar at Sparkle, so its not exactly enticing me to go.
I do find it quite interesting though that being a member of the LGBT community seems to mean also conforming to its own sub-culture. It should be enough that someones sexuality or gender identity doesnt conform, but there is also a dress code, particular music and entertainment tastes, and so on. Its a shame I dont like any of it. Cant someone be gay and enjoy a bit of Hardcore Techno instead of Britney Spears? ;)
Coming Clean
I think I need to sit down with my partner and have a chat about my T side at some point although I think it will take time to build up to this. She knows I have to dress up and I get a bit depressed about it sometimes, but I dont think she realises the thought processes that go through my head and the daily struggles I have with it. I have intentionally been vague with her and I am shielding her from it. A while back she told me in conversation that she got over all her insecurities and is absolutely fine with having Aimee about, and im worried that being open with her about this would ruin the stability we have found. At the same time, I dont know what the future holds for me and its unfair to withhold this information from her as she cant make informed decisions about what is right for her.
Im proud of who I am as a person. Im proud of being trans*. But I wont be going to Cardiffs equivalent of Pride. Its a difficult thing being proud of who I am as a person and what makes me unique, but being unable to show that part of me to anyone outside the 4 walls of my home in case people close to me or my partner found out. Having to hide something I take pride in really bugs me.
Its difficult to feel part of a community that I also have to keep at arms length. Going away from my local area makes things easier but in Cardiff I could never attend any LGBT events while showing my true rainbow colours. I work with quite a few gay people and we get on brilliantly, but I also work with close friends as well. If I became a regular face at any night spots or events, word would soon get around im sure. This is so frustrating as being able to go out in my local area would make my life so much easier but I just couldnt take the risk.
I could attend Mardi Gras if I really wanted to. These events are open to LGBT supporters as well as the community and I could make up any number of excuses why I am there but as appealing as the idea of attending is, being there under the pretense of being a supporter wouldnt feel right. Plus I would find it difficult to explain to people I know why I am there when that kind of thing is the polar opposite of what I find entertaining.
The line-up for the main event seems to be full of b-list X-Factor drop outs, gay circuit entertainers, and other semi-pro performers and they are charging £8 per ticket to go see them. Mardi Gras used to be free however since going to the Millenium Stadium it appears not to be the case anymore. Im not exactly a fan of this kind of 'gay friendly' entertainment having experienced similar at Sparkle, so its not exactly enticing me to go.
I do find it quite interesting though that being a member of the LGBT community seems to mean also conforming to its own sub-culture. It should be enough that someones sexuality or gender identity doesnt conform, but there is also a dress code, particular music and entertainment tastes, and so on. Its a shame I dont like any of it. Cant someone be gay and enjoy a bit of Hardcore Techno instead of Britney Spears? ;)
Coming Clean
I think I need to sit down with my partner and have a chat about my T side at some point although I think it will take time to build up to this. She knows I have to dress up and I get a bit depressed about it sometimes, but I dont think she realises the thought processes that go through my head and the daily struggles I have with it. I have intentionally been vague with her and I am shielding her from it. A while back she told me in conversation that she got over all her insecurities and is absolutely fine with having Aimee about, and im worried that being open with her about this would ruin the stability we have found. At the same time, I dont know what the future holds for me and its unfair to withhold this information from her as she cant make informed decisions about what is right for her.
Friday, 16 August 2013
Demotiv-8 Upd-8
So the happy pills finally kicked in about a week and a half ago, and im feeling much better. The first few weeks were horrible, going through stages of feeling spaced out, not thinking straight, feeling up then down, and so on, but once they leveled out its a lot better. I still feel a tiny bit, I dont know how to describe it, fluffy? But I can work through it. Its odd, sometimes if something has triggered a low feeling I feel like my head is
saying I should be depressed or miserable, but I dont actually feel it. This is particularly noticeable with the GD, my head goes through the thoughts but the bad feelings attached just arent there, mostly. I do feel a little bad on occasion but its nothing compared to where I was. The only other thing is the drowsiness, if I havent slept right or enough, where I used to be able to deal with it no problem for a few days, now it just hits me so hard. I just feel like napping a lot.
I went back to the GP today for my first check up since telling her and starting the anti depressants. It was ok really, the GD wasnt discussed much. She did ask if I had been thinking about it as much since starting the anti depressants and to be honest I dont think I have. I still think about it a lot but I dont think about it is as much as I used to. I took another depression test and compared it to one I took at my last appointment, and I have gone down from moderately depressed to mild. I didnt feel moderately depressed last time, I can tell you, but thats the result I was given! I have another appointment in a few weeks so we shall have to see how that goes. Im also now on the waiting list for a counsellor, but have to wait 7 months for an appointment which is a crazy amount of time but I dont really have a choice.
In other news, our kitten is one evil feline! He is now about 3 months old, and I am absolutely covered in scratches. Hands, arms, legs, feet, everywhere. And this morning it clawed my head while I was sleeping because my gf left the bedroom door open while she was getting ready for work, and I am left with a nice long scratch on my face. Thanks. Its nice and cute for about 5 minutes a day, the rest it just runs around and attacks everything. So annoying!
Friday, 2 August 2013
Demotiv-8
Ive just had 3 days off (back to work tomorrow, yay!) and have literally wasted my time. I wanted to dress up but just couldnt bring myself to do it. I was really looking forward to it too but the shaving, plucking and painting seemed like too much effort, and as much as I tried, mentally I just couldnt push myself through it.
So what have I got to show for my 3 days off? Nothing. I have literally done nothing but sit on the couch in my living room staring at the internet for 3 days. I havent done anything else, no hobbies, no gaming, no music making, nothing. Ive just sat here feeling miserable.
I know the anti depressants can take up to 2 weeks to take effect but I do hope that things get better than this.
So what have I got to show for my 3 days off? Nothing. I have literally done nothing but sit on the couch in my living room staring at the internet for 3 days. I havent done anything else, no hobbies, no gaming, no music making, nothing. Ive just sat here feeling miserable.
I know the anti depressants can take up to 2 weeks to take effect but I do hope that things get better than this.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)