Has anyone noticed since I said I would stop posting anything negative that my posts have dried up? ;)
So my shifts have changed in work and I am now regularly finishing after 11pm at night. My route home from work involves cutting right across the city centre, down one of the busiest pedestrianised streets filled with non-mainstream bars. So two to three nights a week I have to fight crowds of people out having a good time while I am on my way home from work.
I get jealous, incredibly jealous. Not of the fact that they are out having a good time when ive been in work, to be honest its not really my 'scene'. But I get jealous of the ladies that are there. I get surrounded by them, everywhere I look theres no escaping the sights and sounds of women enjoying themselves all around me. All of them looking absolutely gorgeous, all of them looking the way I want to look and could never hope to achieve even when I am trying. Groups of them giggling with their friends in a way that I could never do as a man, or even as a part time girl. It makes me feel a little miserable, I get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and a lump in my throat thinking that I will never live the life I want to live, that life. And im forced to go through this several times a week now.
Theres always an underlying current of this that I deal with almost continuously unless my mind is kept extremely busy, but going through this gauntlet every week is draining. Its so intense, and there is nothing I can do to stop or control it. I could change my route of course but every route home involves a similar amount of bars and people to pass unless I go massively out of my way.
In Other News
Ive started cursing myself again, ive been having off days emotionally too. All signs of the return to the downward spiral. Im very conscious of this fact and I do not want to go back there. Ive got two weeks off at the beginning of November, the first will hopefully be spent abroad. The second will maybe be me trying to get back into being me again. Its been too long but ive just been too busy with work and that that ive had no time to do things for myself lately. These late shifts are incredibly draining.
On the name side of things im down to two names I think. I may however keep which one I decide to myself and my friends, rather than publish it on here. I quite like the nom-de-plume ' a part time girl', and I may just sign myself off on here using that name from now on.
A part time girl x
Monday, 27 October 2014
Tuesday, 23 September 2014
Whats in a Name?
The concept of having a second name is more complicated than it sounds, especially when it comes to choosing one for yourself.
First off having a second name can imply a second identity when in reality this is not the case. Whether I am presenting as male or female, im still the same me in my head. But if I am going to go to the effort as presenting as a female, then a female name is required to fit the image. My real name could potentially be used for both genders if I wanted to, but I cant risk any overlap.
Secondly, its quite a minefield having to choose one myself. I feel I need to make sure that there is nothing relate-able to it because there will always be questions with how I chose it. For example, I wouldnt want to choose the name of someone in my family, an ex-girlfriend, someone famous for all the wrong reasons, or even a friend for that matter in case my girlfriend tries to find a connection that isnt there: "Why did you choose that name, do you want to be like her?". Plus if others found out about me, in particular someone who shares the name I use, they might come to a similar conclusion and find it a bit creepy.
Another issue is that when I had to choose my previous two names is that ive never really felt like any of the names I had to pick from were 'me'. A name is something you are given, something you grow up with. It isnt generally something you choose yourself.
So, the reason I am posting about this is I cant call myself Aimee anymore. Ive been thinking of changing it anyway for quite a while for various reasons (including I have a cousin called Amy) but I was a bit weirded out by a story I was told the other weekend, there are just too many connections to something I dont want to be. I might be over-reacting a little but there we go, it was the final push I needed to actually change my name.
This will be the third name I will have used for my female side, and this one I want to stick with permanently so im trying to think of the best way of coming up with a name. The obvious one is to ask my mum what I would have been called if I was born a girl, but I wouldnt have a clue how to bring this up with her without arousing suspicion. She can be very perceptive and as much as I have been thinking about telling her, I just dont think its a good idea. So the only other option is that ive written a massive list of names down, and removed those which to the best of my knowledge are in use by family and close friends, sound trashy, or have connections I dont want to be affiliated with. So far im down to:
Abigail - Or Abi for short
Kayleigh
Kara- Hmm, maybe not
Melanie - Mel
Sophie - Soph
I would have loved to be Becca or Hannah, but unfortunately those names are taken! :)
Of course I am still open to suggestions, im finding this incredibly difficult.
First off having a second name can imply a second identity when in reality this is not the case. Whether I am presenting as male or female, im still the same me in my head. But if I am going to go to the effort as presenting as a female, then a female name is required to fit the image. My real name could potentially be used for both genders if I wanted to, but I cant risk any overlap.
Secondly, its quite a minefield having to choose one myself. I feel I need to make sure that there is nothing relate-able to it because there will always be questions with how I chose it. For example, I wouldnt want to choose the name of someone in my family, an ex-girlfriend, someone famous for all the wrong reasons, or even a friend for that matter in case my girlfriend tries to find a connection that isnt there: "Why did you choose that name, do you want to be like her?". Plus if others found out about me, in particular someone who shares the name I use, they might come to a similar conclusion and find it a bit creepy.
Another issue is that when I had to choose my previous two names is that ive never really felt like any of the names I had to pick from were 'me'. A name is something you are given, something you grow up with. It isnt generally something you choose yourself.
So, the reason I am posting about this is I cant call myself Aimee anymore. Ive been thinking of changing it anyway for quite a while for various reasons (including I have a cousin called Amy) but I was a bit weirded out by a story I was told the other weekend, there are just too many connections to something I dont want to be. I might be over-reacting a little but there we go, it was the final push I needed to actually change my name.
This will be the third name I will have used for my female side, and this one I want to stick with permanently so im trying to think of the best way of coming up with a name. The obvious one is to ask my mum what I would have been called if I was born a girl, but I wouldnt have a clue how to bring this up with her without arousing suspicion. She can be very perceptive and as much as I have been thinking about telling her, I just dont think its a good idea. So the only other option is that ive written a massive list of names down, and removed those which to the best of my knowledge are in use by family and close friends, sound trashy, or have connections I dont want to be affiliated with. So far im down to:
Abigail - Or Abi for short
Kayleigh
Kara- Hmm, maybe not
Melanie - Mel
Sophie - Soph
I would have loved to be Becca or Hannah, but unfortunately those names are taken! :)
Of course I am still open to suggestions, im finding this incredibly difficult.
Wednesday, 27 August 2014
A New Look, A New Outlook
So, I realise ive been away from here for a while. The work stuff is still an issue but im not stressing over it anymore. When a company is actively trying to fire you unfairly in order to avoid paying redundancy, I couldnt help but get a little bit annoyed. Its not over yet but things have calmed down, and I will shortly be seeking employment elsewhere. I have no nice words to say about that place, or the people who try (and fail) to run it.
Anyway, enough of that.
You may have noticed ive given the blog a nice touch up. A splash of colour, a heavy dosing of spotty-goodness (I adore spots, and polka dots, and anything like them), and a change of name to reflect a new outlook I am trying to adopt. Im not too sure what to do about the URL though, I really want to change it but then a few people might not be able to find my blog anymore.
So yes, onto my change of outlook. I dont want to be a negative Nancy anymore, I want to be a positive Polly! Ive calmed down a lot over my T side lately, and while I still havent dressed up since May, im pretty ok with it. I miss it dreadfully, but its not depressing me. Soon though, I intend to get back into dressing up again. I still want to get out more, and intend to do something about it.
More posts to come soon, I realise I have been away for a while but as mentioned above real life has kept me very busy. I do have some thoughts and ponderings ive been meaning to share for some time, once I can get some time to properly arrange my thoughts, I shall do so.
Anyway, enough of that.
You may have noticed ive given the blog a nice touch up. A splash of colour, a heavy dosing of spotty-goodness (I adore spots, and polka dots, and anything like them), and a change of name to reflect a new outlook I am trying to adopt. Im not too sure what to do about the URL though, I really want to change it but then a few people might not be able to find my blog anymore.
So yes, onto my change of outlook. I dont want to be a negative Nancy anymore, I want to be a positive Polly! Ive calmed down a lot over my T side lately, and while I still havent dressed up since May, im pretty ok with it. I miss it dreadfully, but its not depressing me. Soon though, I intend to get back into dressing up again. I still want to get out more, and intend to do something about it.
More posts to come soon, I realise I have been away for a while but as mentioned above real life has kept me very busy. I do have some thoughts and ponderings ive been meaning to share for some time, once I can get some time to properly arrange my thoughts, I shall do so.
Friday, 11 July 2014
3 Years Ago Today
3 years ago today my first ever batch of womens clothing and 'trans accessories' arrived in the post. My girlfriend was away with her parents for the week and I had finally given in to the thoughts that were constantly plaguing me about ignoring a massive part of who I am and the regret this could cause. When the package arrived I was so excited and spent ages in front of the mirror trying something on, then trying something else on, then trying the first thing back on and so on. I didnt make the best choices in clothing. I had to try and keep it cheap so the quality wasnt the best but it didnt matter at the time. They were mine and they enabled me to actually see this other side to my identity in front of my own eyes, and get that one step closer to my dream. I felt so happy.
I had arranged to meet another t-girl to dress up and chat with the following weekend. This was my first interaction with someone like me and I was nervous, and was very quiet. I had bought makeup but had never used it before, and used it for the first time while I was there. Im sure I looked like a clown and luckily, there are no photos! During our conversation she surprised me with a question, asking if or when I planned on telling my gf. Up to that point I hadnt really thought about it, but decided that I would give it one year and if after that year I decided I wasnt going to be able to stop dressing up then I would tell her. And well, we all know what happened there.
Throughout the upcoming year I dressed up every chance I got and also met another t-girl who let me dress at hers. It was all so liberating and I looked forward to each and every opportunity I could get. As the end of the year came up I realised I couldn't turn my back on this, and knew full well what I promised myself when this journey started.
When I did come out to my gf the following year I took a massive risk, one im glad I took. But I anticipated a payoff that was worthwhile, but over the years this hasnt come into fruition like I thought it would. I had big plans for what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go and to an extent I have ticked some quite major achievements off my trans-to-do list. But I still feel like im cut off from the world, that im not where I need to be, that I dont do this enough, and it bugs me. Hugely. Ive certainly hit a few milestones over the last few years but I have achieved so little in quantity.
So yeah, July is the month I have two birthdays. I turned 32 near the beginning of this month, but I didnt do anything to celebrate. We sat in, had takeaway pizza and watched the final Batman movie from the dark knight trilogy (which looks amazing on my new TV btw). Ive got no party planned or anything, with all the stuff thats been going on and the general mood I am in I just dont really feel like celebrating. As I mentioned previously today my female side is 3 years old and equally I dont feel like celebrating that either, I wish there was something I could do to celebrate it though but cant really come up with anything. July is also the month I went to a dressing service and saw my female side properly for the first time, the month I came out to my partner and also the month I went to Sparkle so its pretty busy for milestones. I feel like I should make a bit more of a deal out of it.
So May, June and so far through July has been pretty tough, lots going on and my mood has been up and down. I dont know if how im feeling at the moment is because of work, being trans, getting older, or just generally because of life. Sometimes I just really feel like hiding away, I have no enthusiasm or desire to do anything. But I am obviously aware of this and know I need to change some things.
Ill start off with work. My appeal went through in work and my outcome was deemed too harsh and downgraded to a first written warning, which I still think is unfair but this decision is final. This downgrade may seem like a good thing but I still think there is an agenda against me, and as they have rated this as gross misconduct which can lead to dismissal it does mean I could still be dismissed with one further offense. And the area is so vague it could literally be anything. Im no safer than I was on the final. I still feel like I cant go back and have extended my sick leave. I cant put into words how much I loathe the thought of working there any longer, and how low I get thinking about just walking through the door. The money is good, and that is the only reason ive stayed there for so long but I know I need to start looking elsewhere now. I dont really want to do this line of work any more but only have a handful of GCSEs to my name so dont exactly have a ton of opportunities available to me.
On the t side of things ive been trying so hard over the past few years to find middle ground that would keep the two sides of my life in balance, but I just cant find it. Part of the problem is the compromise I have to come to with my gf. There are things I would love to do physically but I have to maintain enough maleness to keep my gf happy. And as time passes the more my body changes so it becomes more masculine (hair! im growing it and losing it in the wrong places!!!), and the more out of reach this middle ground seems to be. Honestly, if I could be fairly androgynous in appearance to make being able to present acceptably as either gender easier/easy, I think I would be happy with that but the changes required to achieve this would be too much for my other half. I am at a total loss with this. Ive had plenty of good suggestions given to me but none are workable, so its just something im going to have to learn to accept I think. Socially, well I just need to try harder. Its difficult trying to synchronise calendars with people, and I find it really difficult to make new friends. I think I need to start looking at going on a few trips solo because trying to arrange things with others is a bit of a nightmare. Doing something monthly would be perfect for me, rather than once a year.
Im very conscious that to my regular readers I sound like a broken record at this point, all I have been doing on here lately is complain about things without actually doing anything about it. Ive said before that I dont want to be this person, that I want to be proactive and actually make changes to better myself as I have in the past, but finding motivation is difficult when I really just feel like giving up and work has not helped here at all. Ive been off work for 3 weeks now, and ive had plenty of opportunities to be productive but just havent. Now the appeal is out the way and I have a few more weeks off work (minimum) I need to make the most of it. Sort my career out, get my inner girl back, get organised and actually do something.
I will change. I have to.
I had arranged to meet another t-girl to dress up and chat with the following weekend. This was my first interaction with someone like me and I was nervous, and was very quiet. I had bought makeup but had never used it before, and used it for the first time while I was there. Im sure I looked like a clown and luckily, there are no photos! During our conversation she surprised me with a question, asking if or when I planned on telling my gf. Up to that point I hadnt really thought about it, but decided that I would give it one year and if after that year I decided I wasnt going to be able to stop dressing up then I would tell her. And well, we all know what happened there.
Throughout the upcoming year I dressed up every chance I got and also met another t-girl who let me dress at hers. It was all so liberating and I looked forward to each and every opportunity I could get. As the end of the year came up I realised I couldn't turn my back on this, and knew full well what I promised myself when this journey started.
When I did come out to my gf the following year I took a massive risk, one im glad I took. But I anticipated a payoff that was worthwhile, but over the years this hasnt come into fruition like I thought it would. I had big plans for what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go and to an extent I have ticked some quite major achievements off my trans-to-do list. But I still feel like im cut off from the world, that im not where I need to be, that I dont do this enough, and it bugs me. Hugely. Ive certainly hit a few milestones over the last few years but I have achieved so little in quantity.
So yeah, July is the month I have two birthdays. I turned 32 near the beginning of this month, but I didnt do anything to celebrate. We sat in, had takeaway pizza and watched the final Batman movie from the dark knight trilogy (which looks amazing on my new TV btw). Ive got no party planned or anything, with all the stuff thats been going on and the general mood I am in I just dont really feel like celebrating. As I mentioned previously today my female side is 3 years old and equally I dont feel like celebrating that either, I wish there was something I could do to celebrate it though but cant really come up with anything. July is also the month I went to a dressing service and saw my female side properly for the first time, the month I came out to my partner and also the month I went to Sparkle so its pretty busy for milestones. I feel like I should make a bit more of a deal out of it.
So May, June and so far through July has been pretty tough, lots going on and my mood has been up and down. I dont know if how im feeling at the moment is because of work, being trans, getting older, or just generally because of life. Sometimes I just really feel like hiding away, I have no enthusiasm or desire to do anything. But I am obviously aware of this and know I need to change some things.
Ill start off with work. My appeal went through in work and my outcome was deemed too harsh and downgraded to a first written warning, which I still think is unfair but this decision is final. This downgrade may seem like a good thing but I still think there is an agenda against me, and as they have rated this as gross misconduct which can lead to dismissal it does mean I could still be dismissed with one further offense. And the area is so vague it could literally be anything. Im no safer than I was on the final. I still feel like I cant go back and have extended my sick leave. I cant put into words how much I loathe the thought of working there any longer, and how low I get thinking about just walking through the door. The money is good, and that is the only reason ive stayed there for so long but I know I need to start looking elsewhere now. I dont really want to do this line of work any more but only have a handful of GCSEs to my name so dont exactly have a ton of opportunities available to me.
On the t side of things ive been trying so hard over the past few years to find middle ground that would keep the two sides of my life in balance, but I just cant find it. Part of the problem is the compromise I have to come to with my gf. There are things I would love to do physically but I have to maintain enough maleness to keep my gf happy. And as time passes the more my body changes so it becomes more masculine (hair! im growing it and losing it in the wrong places!!!), and the more out of reach this middle ground seems to be. Honestly, if I could be fairly androgynous in appearance to make being able to present acceptably as either gender easier/easy, I think I would be happy with that but the changes required to achieve this would be too much for my other half. I am at a total loss with this. Ive had plenty of good suggestions given to me but none are workable, so its just something im going to have to learn to accept I think. Socially, well I just need to try harder. Its difficult trying to synchronise calendars with people, and I find it really difficult to make new friends. I think I need to start looking at going on a few trips solo because trying to arrange things with others is a bit of a nightmare. Doing something monthly would be perfect for me, rather than once a year.
Im very conscious that to my regular readers I sound like a broken record at this point, all I have been doing on here lately is complain about things without actually doing anything about it. Ive said before that I dont want to be this person, that I want to be proactive and actually make changes to better myself as I have in the past, but finding motivation is difficult when I really just feel like giving up and work has not helped here at all. Ive been off work for 3 weeks now, and ive had plenty of opportunities to be productive but just havent. Now the appeal is out the way and I have a few more weeks off work (minimum) I need to make the most of it. Sort my career out, get my inner girl back, get organised and actually do something.
I will change. I have to.
Saturday, 28 June 2014
Real Life Issues
Its been a long time since my last post, im still here but ive had things going on in work that have been playing on my mind. Around the time of my last post I was investigated for gross misconduct, something I felt at the time was being done unfairly, and still do. I dont want to go into loads of detail but the investigation and disciplinary dragged out over a protracted amount of time for no good reason, causing me unnecessary stress. I was given a final written warning when in 8 years I have never had any disciplinary, or been pulled up for anything like this before. When I was given the outcome I thought the stress would subside, but it didnt. And since then I have been off work on the sick due to stress.
I went through my appeal today which was not a fun experience, but to be honest I think there is an ulterior motive and I dont think my appeal is going to do any good. Unfortunately due to the fact the investigation was poorly handled by my line manager, I have had to drop him right in it. Its against my nature to do this sort of thing usually, but I feel like im backed into a corner and I have to do what I can to try and defend myself. After this is all done, I might have to change to a different manager. That is if I go back of course.
I think im going to have to look for a new job. The atmosphere has changed so much over the past year, lately I liken it to Game of Thrones. Everyone has their own agenda, I never know who to trust, and when I least expect it I get a knife in my back. Its a shame, there are good people there, some of which ive worked with for a very long time. They are wasted at such a waste of a company.
This whole crappy situation has just dragged me down.
After London I promised myself id make more of an effort with my T side, and at the very least id keep my eyebrows tidy after paying to get them threaded. But with all this stuff going on its been the least of my worries to be honest and I have really let myself go. But since the appeal is now over (at least until the outcome in 1-2 weeks time) im going to try and start putting this behind me as much as I can, and start getting myself back in shape next week. I want to build myself up to having a me day next week, since it is long overdue.
I went through my appeal today which was not a fun experience, but to be honest I think there is an ulterior motive and I dont think my appeal is going to do any good. Unfortunately due to the fact the investigation was poorly handled by my line manager, I have had to drop him right in it. Its against my nature to do this sort of thing usually, but I feel like im backed into a corner and I have to do what I can to try and defend myself. After this is all done, I might have to change to a different manager. That is if I go back of course.
I think im going to have to look for a new job. The atmosphere has changed so much over the past year, lately I liken it to Game of Thrones. Everyone has their own agenda, I never know who to trust, and when I least expect it I get a knife in my back. Its a shame, there are good people there, some of which ive worked with for a very long time. They are wasted at such a waste of a company.
This whole crappy situation has just dragged me down.
After London I promised myself id make more of an effort with my T side, and at the very least id keep my eyebrows tidy after paying to get them threaded. But with all this stuff going on its been the least of my worries to be honest and I have really let myself go. But since the appeal is now over (at least until the outcome in 1-2 weeks time) im going to try and start putting this behind me as much as I can, and start getting myself back in shape next week. I want to build myself up to having a me day next week, since it is long overdue.
Monday, 19 May 2014
MGC 2 Years On: A Retrospective
2 years.
2 years ive been dipping in and out of this blog, recording the very few highs and very many lows of trying to figure out how I can make myself more comfortable on my journey between genders. Since the first retrospective I think there has been progress and I have come to a few realisations, however it feels like every time I eventually manage to move forward, it raises more and more questions.
In July last year I went on my first weekend away to spend entirely dressed up, daytime and night time! I went to Sparkle in Manchester and while I didnt particularly get on with the entertainment or things to do, it was a good introduction to being out and about in public, but in the relative safety of the gay quarter.
Following this was a period of inner turmoil. I was struggling with trying to cope with my gender issues, and in turn this caused my dysphoria and depression to kick back in in a big way. This was different than my last bout of depression, it was a lot more emotional. I eventually had to tell my GP about my trans side, and was prescribed anti depressants to help cope while I was referred to counselling. After a while I had to come off the anti depressants, not because I was better, but because I was not reacting well to them.
My low mood meant for the rest of the year I was finding it difficult to motivate myself to express my female side, since fighting the 'maleness' felt more and more difficult everytime I needed to trim it back, to the point it felt almost futile. I was struggling to find a balance where I was happy with my appearance in either form, and this became a vicious circle.
As we entered 2014, this slowly started to calm down a bit. I finally started counselling over 7 months after referral although by this point I dont think I needed it. I still havent dressed up much this year though, mostly as it feels like a waste to dress up just to sit around the house.
This month I also finally managed to go on my first weekend dressed up in the general public, I went to London and spent a night out in Soho, and a day out wandering through Covent Garden towards the Thames. This was a totally different experience of Sparkle, without being in the relative safety of the gay quarter it was fairly uncomfortable after a while.
To summarise, mentally this past year has been a bit of a rollercoaster for me but it has slowly evened out over this year so far. Experience-wise I have done a couple of quite big things over the past 12 month which I have wanted to do for years. Im really happy I managed to push myself out there to do them, but I dont think I would do them again. So, I am left left thinking "what now?".
Looking Forward
Im still trying to process London so to be honest im not sure where to go from here. While im confident and happy with myself (largely) as a female, im not the kind of person that is happy to put up with the scrutiny I felt I was under when mixing in with 'normal' people. In some ways, this is what I wanted. I wanted to build myself up to be able to go anywhere and do anything dressed up and for it to be and feel normal, but the reactions of the people around me made me feel anything but normal.
So, what now? I dont know. I really dont know.
Sometimes I just think what is the point? What I want is to be seen and accepted as female but that just seems completely unattainable. What is the point of going through the hassle of being trans if I cant achieve the thing im striving to? Most of the time though I try to look at things more realistically, I know my limitations and can work around and accept that I have to deal with them, but this doesnt help when it comes to other people and how they choose to deal with the man in a dress stood in front of them. If im not getting the social feedback from the people around me that correlates to the gender I present as, it makes it more difficult to keep it going mentally.
I dont want to have to limit myself to trans friendly places or private meets, but I think I am out of options.
2 years ive been dipping in and out of this blog, recording the very few highs and very many lows of trying to figure out how I can make myself more comfortable on my journey between genders. Since the first retrospective I think there has been progress and I have come to a few realisations, however it feels like every time I eventually manage to move forward, it raises more and more questions.
In July last year I went on my first weekend away to spend entirely dressed up, daytime and night time! I went to Sparkle in Manchester and while I didnt particularly get on with the entertainment or things to do, it was a good introduction to being out and about in public, but in the relative safety of the gay quarter.
Following this was a period of inner turmoil. I was struggling with trying to cope with my gender issues, and in turn this caused my dysphoria and depression to kick back in in a big way. This was different than my last bout of depression, it was a lot more emotional. I eventually had to tell my GP about my trans side, and was prescribed anti depressants to help cope while I was referred to counselling. After a while I had to come off the anti depressants, not because I was better, but because I was not reacting well to them.
My low mood meant for the rest of the year I was finding it difficult to motivate myself to express my female side, since fighting the 'maleness' felt more and more difficult everytime I needed to trim it back, to the point it felt almost futile. I was struggling to find a balance where I was happy with my appearance in either form, and this became a vicious circle.
As we entered 2014, this slowly started to calm down a bit. I finally started counselling over 7 months after referral although by this point I dont think I needed it. I still havent dressed up much this year though, mostly as it feels like a waste to dress up just to sit around the house.
This month I also finally managed to go on my first weekend dressed up in the general public, I went to London and spent a night out in Soho, and a day out wandering through Covent Garden towards the Thames. This was a totally different experience of Sparkle, without being in the relative safety of the gay quarter it was fairly uncomfortable after a while.
To summarise, mentally this past year has been a bit of a rollercoaster for me but it has slowly evened out over this year so far. Experience-wise I have done a couple of quite big things over the past 12 month which I have wanted to do for years. Im really happy I managed to push myself out there to do them, but I dont think I would do them again. So, I am left left thinking "what now?".
Looking Forward
Im still trying to process London so to be honest im not sure where to go from here. While im confident and happy with myself (largely) as a female, im not the kind of person that is happy to put up with the scrutiny I felt I was under when mixing in with 'normal' people. In some ways, this is what I wanted. I wanted to build myself up to be able to go anywhere and do anything dressed up and for it to be and feel normal, but the reactions of the people around me made me feel anything but normal.
So, what now? I dont know. I really dont know.
Sometimes I just think what is the point? What I want is to be seen and accepted as female but that just seems completely unattainable. What is the point of going through the hassle of being trans if I cant achieve the thing im striving to? Most of the time though I try to look at things more realistically, I know my limitations and can work around and accept that I have to deal with them, but this doesnt help when it comes to other people and how they choose to deal with the man in a dress stood in front of them. If im not getting the social feedback from the people around me that correlates to the gender I present as, it makes it more difficult to keep it going mentally.
I dont want to have to limit myself to trans friendly places or private meets, but I think I am out of options.
Tuesday, 6 May 2014
The Big London Trip
I would have loved this post about my big trip to London to be full of things like: "it was amazing to be out in public as me", "ive never felt free-er", or anything else I usually read elsewhere when they write about this sort of thing, but to be honest the truth was miles away from this. The outcome was not what I expected, and im not sure it is an experience I would want to repeat anytime soon.
This was not the fault of my wonderful companions, J (who came with me to my first night out at BNO) and SH were awesome. Im really glad they made the trip with me, both were very patient and were great company. But, on a personal level I dont feel that putting myself through this weekend was a positive experience, and if anything has left me with more uncertainty than I set out with. The thing is, when I went to Sparkle last year it was out in public, and was something that for its faults I really enjoyed. I was comfortable and happy with being out and about, but this was not the same at all.
Anyway, first here is a rough retelling of the events leading up to and over the weekend, then ill go over the mental gymnastics afterwards.
(This post is likely to be full of contradictions and will probably have a few rambling moments too, please bear with me)
The Lead Up
It was difficult trying to get prepared for the weekend, my shifts at work were pretty solid during the few weeks leading up to it so I had no real time to get organised. I ended up having to book off one more days leave than I wanted to use for the day before I was due to go, just to make sure I had time to at least get some preparation done.
I spent this day getting my upper body waxed, quickly dragging my gf around some shops frantically trying to get some outfits together, going through my clothes trying to find stuff to wear, and packing followed by repacking because of course I couldnt fit everything I wanted to take in my case. As it turns out, the waxing was a waste of time since once again my chest came up in a mass of spots which meant I ended up having to wear high necked clothes anyway. Grrrr.
Friday
I got into London at about 1230 and SH met me at the station. We then tried to make our way across London to our hotel near Oxford St, but got a bit confused by the tube maps! We ended up taking quite a long way around, and had to walk quite a way to get to our destination which considering I had a large backpack and also a case, was no mean feat! J met us at the hotel, and after dropping our stuff off and doing a little unpacking we made our way back towards Oxford St.
Because I was in such a rush I still needed to do a few things before dressing up. So even though they didnt need to do anything, J and SH very patiently came around a few shops with me. I went to boots and used their colour match service to get some new foundation (which is really nice by the way) since my current foundation works very well, but im not sure the skin tone is quite right since the colour always looks a little off. I also picked up some new flats from H&M to wear with my Saturday day outfit, and also went to get my eyebrows threaded at Blinks in John Lewis. Ive never had them done before so this was a new experience for me, also the girl doing it unexpectedly gave me a little head massage at the end which was really, really nice!
We had food out (although I also ended up running back around to boots since I forgot I needed to pick up some mascara) and then we went back to the hotel to change. The plan was to go out into Soho, in particular to a place called Madame Jojo's that someone recommended from Angels forum. We had looked around for other places to go but since we didnt know the area, and from a lack of advertising online, we couldnt really find other places to go.
It was already dark by the time we left the hotel, and it was a colder night than what I was prepared for. We crossed Covent Garden and Soho on foot and made our way towards Madame Jojo's. SH was striding out ahead of us as we made our way across London, this meant that I was able see the occasional double takes and sideways glances that she was attracting. There were not as many as I thought there would be, although SH did mention during the walk that she was getting fed up of people looking at her so maybe I wasnt seeing as many people as she was. For the most part though people were just getting on with whatever they were doing. There were however a lot of people out in various states of rowdiness and this was a little intimidating, however I think this would have been equally as intimidated if I was dressed as a man.
So we got to Madame Jojo's, supposedly this place is T friendly and even has a regular T event there. However, we got to the door only for the bouncer to say "private party tonight" and as we turned away his friend on the door laughed. On their website for that night they advertised a magic show and also a regular music night they do there, there was nothing mentioned about it being a private party that night. As far as we are concerned we were turned away because of how we were dressed, which was bitterly disappointing considering their supposed T credentials. So instead we went to a little gay bar which was next door, and we were the only T girls in there. It was ok, the music swayed from tolerable to cheese to back again fairly quickly, and we just had a few drinks in there and then decided to make our way back to the hotel.
The walk back was colder than it had been earlier in the night, and instead of taking the back streets back we ended up coming out on Oxford St quite a way from the hotel. But because it was so cold we just bared it and faced walking down such a busy high street dressed up!
I was annoyed at how the night turned out, and I think its safe to say that I think J and SH felt the same.
Saturday
J ended up leaving fairly early on Saturday, she was going to come out with us but decided not to in the end. So after breakfast myself and SH went back out onto Oxford St, I needed to change the shoes I bought for a smaller size (a 6!!!) and also buy a high neck tshirt to cover the spots on my chest I came to realise werent going away. And we also went to see if we could find any casual things for SH to wear on the Saturday day although I dont think her heart was in it really and she didnt end up buying anything.
Throughout our walk it was becoming apparent that the confidence SH had built up was no longer there, and she said she didnt want to dress up for the Saturday daytime. After chatting about it a few times, she agreed to at least dress up ready while I did, and if she still felt like she wasnt up for it I would wait for her to quickly get changed back into her male clothes before we headed out. By the time I was ready she decided she was going to try it. We decided to go for a coffee nearby first before going for the big outing, so we could ease into being out in the daytime.
After the coffee we walked all the way down to Trafalgar Square which
was so busy with people we decided to just skim past it and make our way
towards the Thames. Being out in the daytime was a completely different experience to the night before. Without the relative safety of nightfall to hide imperfections and also peoples ability to see clearly it makes you very aware of what you are doing, look like, and also the people around you. Like the night before, a lot of people just seemed to not notice or were too polite to look, but quite a few people did and it was a lot more 'in your face'. During out outing I saw a lot of double takes, staring, and even heard people behind me saying things like "thats definitely a bloke!".
When we got to the Thames we crossed over to the Southbank which was an experience, a funnel of people you cant avoid looking at as they pass you. Someone slyly took a photo of me as I passed them as well which I was a bit annoyed about. We stopped for a quick photo opportunity but by the time we get to the south bank I suggested we headed back to the hotel and change back. SH agreed and I think she was equally as happy to do the same. The walk back seemed to take far longer than the walk there, and by the time we got back my feet were hurting because of my new shoes. I was glad to change back.
So, the girls weekend finished early, and the lads carried it on to the end. We went to Camden Lock market, out for food again, then spent the night having one drink in a few of the pubs and bars in Covent Garden before finishing off with a nice curry. We made our way back to the hotel and since SH had to be up early in the morning to catch her train we said our goodbyes.
Whats the Point?
So there were some things I took away from this weekend, some lessons learned, and also more uncertainty about where im going with this whole T second life.
I learned I have far more confidence than I realised, I was quite happy to be out there without a care about what others thought of me. I learned that passing is a myth, unless there has been medical intervention or you were born very lucky, there is no chance at all of 'passing' and you need to be prepared to be scrutinised. I learned that wigs are uncomfortable to wear in the daytime, and also seem to make me feel more fake.
And finally, I learned that I dont think going out in broad daylight and in public is for me. The thing is that confidence is only part of the battle. It was just uncomfortable being under so much scrutiny, of being hyper aware of whats going on around you and how you appear. And apart from the coffee shop (and the lovely polite staff in there as well), I felt intimidated by going into places that were confined and busy which meant we avoided them. Bars and restaurants were off the menu.
Not only that, but to me part of the point of being T is not just wearing the clothes, its trying to get some kind of social interaction and feedback as the gender I am presenting as. But, there is no way I will get that from 'normal' people since most will just not know how to deal with me. Not only that, but I just felt like a fake. I wasnt getting anything that made me feel more connected to my female side at any point throughout the weekend, if anything the opposite was happening. The constant scrutiny was reinforcing the fact that I was definitely not female.
In the end the realisation was that it just isnt worth it.
So what is the point? Where am I going with all this T stuff? I am bored of doing it at home alone, spending hours and a lot of effort getting myself all dressed up for no real reason. I dont like the 'scene' places either, where I feel like the people there (and not only some of the T people) just seem to pander unnecessarily to the stereotypes inflicted upon then. But then it seems that going out in public is also not enjoyable either.
Maybe I was just being too ambitious. But, I cant think of any other options.
This was not the fault of my wonderful companions, J (who came with me to my first night out at BNO) and SH were awesome. Im really glad they made the trip with me, both were very patient and were great company. But, on a personal level I dont feel that putting myself through this weekend was a positive experience, and if anything has left me with more uncertainty than I set out with. The thing is, when I went to Sparkle last year it was out in public, and was something that for its faults I really enjoyed. I was comfortable and happy with being out and about, but this was not the same at all.
Anyway, first here is a rough retelling of the events leading up to and over the weekend, then ill go over the mental gymnastics afterwards.
(This post is likely to be full of contradictions and will probably have a few rambling moments too, please bear with me)
The Lead Up
It was difficult trying to get prepared for the weekend, my shifts at work were pretty solid during the few weeks leading up to it so I had no real time to get organised. I ended up having to book off one more days leave than I wanted to use for the day before I was due to go, just to make sure I had time to at least get some preparation done.
I spent this day getting my upper body waxed, quickly dragging my gf around some shops frantically trying to get some outfits together, going through my clothes trying to find stuff to wear, and packing followed by repacking because of course I couldnt fit everything I wanted to take in my case. As it turns out, the waxing was a waste of time since once again my chest came up in a mass of spots which meant I ended up having to wear high necked clothes anyway. Grrrr.
Friday
I got into London at about 1230 and SH met me at the station. We then tried to make our way across London to our hotel near Oxford St, but got a bit confused by the tube maps! We ended up taking quite a long way around, and had to walk quite a way to get to our destination which considering I had a large backpack and also a case, was no mean feat! J met us at the hotel, and after dropping our stuff off and doing a little unpacking we made our way back towards Oxford St.
Because I was in such a rush I still needed to do a few things before dressing up. So even though they didnt need to do anything, J and SH very patiently came around a few shops with me. I went to boots and used their colour match service to get some new foundation (which is really nice by the way) since my current foundation works very well, but im not sure the skin tone is quite right since the colour always looks a little off. I also picked up some new flats from H&M to wear with my Saturday day outfit, and also went to get my eyebrows threaded at Blinks in John Lewis. Ive never had them done before so this was a new experience for me, also the girl doing it unexpectedly gave me a little head massage at the end which was really, really nice!
We had food out (although I also ended up running back around to boots since I forgot I needed to pick up some mascara) and then we went back to the hotel to change. The plan was to go out into Soho, in particular to a place called Madame Jojo's that someone recommended from Angels forum. We had looked around for other places to go but since we didnt know the area, and from a lack of advertising online, we couldnt really find other places to go.
It was already dark by the time we left the hotel, and it was a colder night than what I was prepared for. We crossed Covent Garden and Soho on foot and made our way towards Madame Jojo's. SH was striding out ahead of us as we made our way across London, this meant that I was able see the occasional double takes and sideways glances that she was attracting. There were not as many as I thought there would be, although SH did mention during the walk that she was getting fed up of people looking at her so maybe I wasnt seeing as many people as she was. For the most part though people were just getting on with whatever they were doing. There were however a lot of people out in various states of rowdiness and this was a little intimidating, however I think this would have been equally as intimidated if I was dressed as a man.
So we got to Madame Jojo's, supposedly this place is T friendly and even has a regular T event there. However, we got to the door only for the bouncer to say "private party tonight" and as we turned away his friend on the door laughed. On their website for that night they advertised a magic show and also a regular music night they do there, there was nothing mentioned about it being a private party that night. As far as we are concerned we were turned away because of how we were dressed, which was bitterly disappointing considering their supposed T credentials. So instead we went to a little gay bar which was next door, and we were the only T girls in there. It was ok, the music swayed from tolerable to cheese to back again fairly quickly, and we just had a few drinks in there and then decided to make our way back to the hotel.
The walk back was colder than it had been earlier in the night, and instead of taking the back streets back we ended up coming out on Oxford St quite a way from the hotel. But because it was so cold we just bared it and faced walking down such a busy high street dressed up!
I was annoyed at how the night turned out, and I think its safe to say that I think J and SH felt the same.
Saturday
J ended up leaving fairly early on Saturday, she was going to come out with us but decided not to in the end. So after breakfast myself and SH went back out onto Oxford St, I needed to change the shoes I bought for a smaller size (a 6!!!) and also buy a high neck tshirt to cover the spots on my chest I came to realise werent going away. And we also went to see if we could find any casual things for SH to wear on the Saturday day although I dont think her heart was in it really and she didnt end up buying anything.Throughout our walk it was becoming apparent that the confidence SH had built up was no longer there, and she said she didnt want to dress up for the Saturday daytime. After chatting about it a few times, she agreed to at least dress up ready while I did, and if she still felt like she wasnt up for it I would wait for her to quickly get changed back into her male clothes before we headed out. By the time I was ready she decided she was going to try it. We decided to go for a coffee nearby first before going for the big outing, so we could ease into being out in the daytime.
After the coffee we walked all the way down to Trafalgar Square which
was so busy with people we decided to just skim past it and make our way
towards the Thames. Being out in the daytime was a completely different experience to the night before. Without the relative safety of nightfall to hide imperfections and also peoples ability to see clearly it makes you very aware of what you are doing, look like, and also the people around you. Like the night before, a lot of people just seemed to not notice or were too polite to look, but quite a few people did and it was a lot more 'in your face'. During out outing I saw a lot of double takes, staring, and even heard people behind me saying things like "thats definitely a bloke!".When we got to the Thames we crossed over to the Southbank which was an experience, a funnel of people you cant avoid looking at as they pass you. Someone slyly took a photo of me as I passed them as well which I was a bit annoyed about. We stopped for a quick photo opportunity but by the time we get to the south bank I suggested we headed back to the hotel and change back. SH agreed and I think she was equally as happy to do the same. The walk back seemed to take far longer than the walk there, and by the time we got back my feet were hurting because of my new shoes. I was glad to change back.
So, the girls weekend finished early, and the lads carried it on to the end. We went to Camden Lock market, out for food again, then spent the night having one drink in a few of the pubs and bars in Covent Garden before finishing off with a nice curry. We made our way back to the hotel and since SH had to be up early in the morning to catch her train we said our goodbyes.
Whats the Point?
So there were some things I took away from this weekend, some lessons learned, and also more uncertainty about where im going with this whole T second life.
I learned I have far more confidence than I realised, I was quite happy to be out there without a care about what others thought of me. I learned that passing is a myth, unless there has been medical intervention or you were born very lucky, there is no chance at all of 'passing' and you need to be prepared to be scrutinised. I learned that wigs are uncomfortable to wear in the daytime, and also seem to make me feel more fake.
And finally, I learned that I dont think going out in broad daylight and in public is for me. The thing is that confidence is only part of the battle. It was just uncomfortable being under so much scrutiny, of being hyper aware of whats going on around you and how you appear. And apart from the coffee shop (and the lovely polite staff in there as well), I felt intimidated by going into places that were confined and busy which meant we avoided them. Bars and restaurants were off the menu.
Not only that, but to me part of the point of being T is not just wearing the clothes, its trying to get some kind of social interaction and feedback as the gender I am presenting as. But, there is no way I will get that from 'normal' people since most will just not know how to deal with me. Not only that, but I just felt like a fake. I wasnt getting anything that made me feel more connected to my female side at any point throughout the weekend, if anything the opposite was happening. The constant scrutiny was reinforcing the fact that I was definitely not female.
In the end the realisation was that it just isnt worth it.
So what is the point? Where am I going with all this T stuff? I am bored of doing it at home alone, spending hours and a lot of effort getting myself all dressed up for no real reason. I dont like the 'scene' places either, where I feel like the people there (and not only some of the T people) just seem to pander unnecessarily to the stereotypes inflicted upon then. But then it seems that going out in public is also not enjoyable either.
Maybe I was just being too ambitious. But, I cant think of any other options.
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