Finding Time To Socialise Twice

I realised over the weekend that I seem to be neglecting my real life quite badly. Work tends to take a lot out of me as it is, usually a workday is a total write off, but any days off I have I try and dedicate to making time for my T side. Lately though this hasnt been happening at all, once again I set aside today to try and dress up and once again something important came up at short notice. Its getting frustrating now.

The only time I have seen some of my friends is at events I have had to go to (e.g. weddings), but no effort has been made to see any of them at any other time, apart from once this year. There are other close friends (in fact, probably my closest) who I havent seen at all since January. In some ways I feel quite bad for not taking time out to catch up with them, but I just cant prioritise it over the other stuff in my life at the moment. However, the fact that I feel like my T life has stalled and also my real life has stalled just doubles the annoyance.

I cant help but feel that my social anxiety is in play here. I deliberately try and get out of real life social events, so maybe subconsciously im just not making an effort with my friends and coming up with any old excuse (time) not to get in touch in order to avoid social contact entirely.

My limited time outside of work hours is a real barrier, however could I make time to see people if I really wanted to? I dont know. Im quite comfortable with my hermit lifestyle at the moment, although im still keen to get out there as Aimee far more. Ive wasted so much of my life denying her freedom that I need to make up for lost time. I do know that thinking about going out as Aimee has far more increased anxiety attached due to having to meet people I barely know and who will unlikely have many common interests at all but the will is there to push past it I think.

Slow Going

Well as you can see on my timeline since coming out to my partner followed by my night out to BNO last year, my T life has pretty much crawled to a halt and this is frustrating. Partially this is due to opportunity, but partially motivation too. I suppose I kind of hoped I would have done a lot more by now and actually got out there more, but I havent. I really need to make time to do this more. I have been talking with the people I went to BNO with and we are looking at doing something next month which is great, but its taken too long to get to this point. Twice a year is too far apart.

Ive been off work for a week again, and ive had plenty of opportunities to do some little things. I was going to fully shave, buy a new wig and paint my nails too, but just havent. Its not lazyness, I just seem to be locked in a vicious circle of trying to justify the effort when I seem to be quite unhappy with what I will achieve.

Once again I bought a ton of clothes and was unhappy to find that once again most of it just didnt suit me at all, some of it worse than others. At least I can return it all but its so frustrating. Im very aware im never going to look convincing, but im having difficulty finding that balance where I am happy and accept it is the best I am going to look.

On a plus note, I have started ticking things off my new years resolutions. Ive actually started doing exercise! On Monday me and my partner went to Sports Direct and forked out for some running gear. As chavvy as that shop is I bought a nice pair of running trainers, some running socks, and some tracksuit bottoms for only £45... What a bargain! Since then we have been jogging twice this week and intend to keep going every other day, and once my body has got used to it and once I have worked out a routine around my shifts I intend to do either yoga or pilates on the days in between the jogging. Ive also been looking at ways to improve my diet too although havent fully decided on anything yet.

Negative Self Image

Be warned, im moaning again.

Its been a while since I have dressed up and im sat here dressed but dont have the energy to go any further. Im so frustrated with my body image. Ive posted about this kind of thing before but I dont care, I need to get this off my chest.

It started with shaving my face. Im actually getting pretty good at it now but my face is red raw with patches of shave burn I got so close, and there is a spot to the left of my face under the jawline where I have caught it so many times its just 2 big red balloons on my face, and once again of course I caught it. Im fed up of it, totoally fed up of it. I hate having a beard but dont shave for long periods because I hate shaving more! I cant win!

I bought loads of clothes from ASOS the other week (I had a voucher for 20% off and went a bit mad...) and I finally tried them all on today, and decided they are all going back. I hate it. My arms, my shoulders, my hair poking out from where it shouldnt. I had the big mirror in the spare room so I could properly see what I looked like and all I see looking back is man, and all the cute dresses (two of which I absolutely love) just seem to accentuate the parts I want to hide. Its saddening. The hair I can kind of do something about and my hips I can accentuate, but my arms and shoulders are going nowhere.

This has just taken all the energy out of what I wanted to do today now.  Ive got some leggings, a dress and a cardi on and thats it, I havent done anything else and I just cant bring myself to do anything else either.

Fuck its frustrating.

Why couldnt I have been born a girl. Or even an extremely slim man. Im stuck in a vicous circle and I cant see a way out. Want to look like girl > Dress like girl > Hate what I see > Want to look like a girl > And on and on and on and on...

A Deal Breaker

Yesterday I finally summed up a little courage and talked to my partner about some of the things that have been getting to me lately, and the reasons for my low moments. It did take some of the positive energy out of our shopping trip but the conversation just went there really.

Some of the conversation was around my social anxiety and the fact that ive had a lot of things ive had to go to has meant ive been feeling down because of this. I explained the reasons, thought processes and so on to her because I can look at it objectively and often see how ludicrous these thoughts are, but I cant help them.

A large part of the conversaion though was about my Trans* side, things that ive been meaning to bring up for quite some time but just couldnt bring up the courage or find the right time to do so. I didnt get to cover everything I would have like but I managed to air a few things. Part of the conversation went onto what would happen if I came out to friends/work/etc, I cant remember if we were on about on purpose or if someone just found out, but that doesnt really matter. Basically, she said that if it did happen it would probably "be a deal breaker" for her, she doesnt think she could cope with the social implications of people knowing about this side of me.

This isnt something weve discussed openly since I came out to her, and while I initially was quite happy for this to remain a secret and I could probably quite happily keep this a secret, I suppose over the past few months or so I have been daydreaming about the day I would come out to people so I dont have to lead this double life anymore. I suppose the ideas of trying to ground my female side in my male side (not using boobs, not changing my name, etc) are steps towards making my Trans* side something that can be a little more socially acceptable to the people in Bobs life and my partners statement has effectively made this a moot point.

Another thing I have to consider is what if someone found out accidentally and then spread the word through the grapevine? Our relationship could end through things that are outside of my control. Am I going to have to stop taking risks and only dress up at home? Will I have to remove all traces of myself from the internet? Obviously this paragraph is a bit of an overreaction and I wont be doing these things as this will be going against the progress I have made over the past few years, however, I realise I may have to be a bit more conscious of the risk I am taking. I myself am not bothered if I am found out, however it is not my well being I am concerned with.

Now for me, not coming out to our friends/family is not a deal breaker and because it is important to her I will happily carry this on, at the same time I cant help but be a little saddened that there will be no end to this secret life. When I met with my partners best friend last year, a week after coming out to my partner so I could help her understand this side of me I was actually quite proud of who I was, and I loved showing her the photos of me from the dressing service I went to a few weeks before. I loved the compliments (obviously), but I also loved the fact that I could show her who I really was and know that I didnt have to hide it anymore. I wont get to do that with anyone else in my life now. There will be big moments in my Trans* life in the years to come and I wont get to share them with some of the closest people in my life. I suppose this is a curse the majority of us in this community have to live with.

Nothing Interesting

I do realise the majority of my posts are usually written when im not feeling to great about myself, so I made this post to try and balance things out because ive been feeling a lot better over the past few days. Im still thinking about/obsessing over this a lot but without the slight anxiety attached at least it makes it manageable. I havent been able to dress up for a few weeks now but ive got 10 days off coming up from about the middle of next week and I intend to take full advantage of it. I have a social event I have to go to over the weekend but the time around it is mine for the taking.

I think im going to look at trying to knock a few things off my new years resolutions, maybe get a new wig, do my nails for the first time in ages, try and meet up with someone, and maybe even look at starting to exercise too. As far as getting out dressed up again it looks like that is going to have to wait until April at the earliest now, its turning 6 months since BNO now and im itching to get out again! If I havent heard anything back from the people im meant to be going out with I may just arrange something by myself anyway.

Im also quite looking forward to the fact that there is a TG friendly makeover place opening up fairly local to me, hopefully in April. The lady who is setting it up is a fully qualified MAC makeup artist and I intend to book myself in for some lessons as soon as she is ready. Apparently ive heard she is amazing with beard cover too, I wonder how much luck she will have against mine! Theres also another lady reasonably close who is TG friendly and does image consultations too, im considering getting in touch with her to see what that is about and if there would be anything for me to gain from it. I think I might have to speak to my partner about that first though as it looks like April is turning into an expensive month for me!

Anxious For What?

Over the past week or so I have been feeling quite anxious and aware that I have been thinking about this side of my life quite a lot. In fact, almost continuously. I just havent been able to switch off at all, even when I am working.

I do feel like ive fallen into a rut. I havent really done anything properly in so long. After the massive push I made last year it just feels like all the ground I made finding myself has gone to waste. Im not doing anything, and im not even on about socialising or going out. I could be doing little things like grooming myself, painting my nails every now and again and so on, but I am not even though I really want to. I know my partner doesnt like me doing stuff like that all the time and while I know she will let me when I need to she doesnt want me to do it all the time, so im trying to save it for 'special occasions'. This is fair enough, she didnt sign up for this 9 years ago but it is bugging me quite a lot now, especially because those special occasions just arent happening.

Not only that, but im feeling isolated too. Online interaction just isnt enough for me, and as much as I can talk things through with my partner, I can tell that while she accepts me she doesnt want to deal with it all the time. I want someone locally I can meet up with regularly, dress up, chat, drink, chill, whatever. Female or Trans*, I dont care. Ive just got no-one to talk to face to face that I feel I can relate to and I can be honest with at the moment, and I just feel like im bottling things up again. I have no outlet and the chances ive had to dress since the new year just havent been enough.

Im so frustrated. There has been so many occasions over the past week or so ive had to stop myself literally shouting out.

Embarrassment And Experimenting

Another boring webcam shot

Since this is the last day of my week off I decided to get dressed up for the day. I bought a new dress, cardi and scarf over the weekend and I wanted to try them on (and they do look amazing on!), so I spent a few hours this afternoon cleaning, shaving, cleaning again, dressing, plastering, plastering again, plastering again and so on. My partner also had the day off today and she was downstairs doing her own thing while I dressed up.

When I finished getting ready though I found myself feeling quite nervous. This isnt something she hasnt seen before, ive been dressed in front of her quite a few times now but once again I found myself hiding in the spare room. I cant decide why I couldnt face her though, was it because I was worried about what she would think of me? Or am I embarrassed to be dressed up in front of her. I pushed myself past it eventually and we spent the afternoon watching TV together but it took me a while to get there. Once I changed back into a man later on my partner said to me that I looked nice, referring to when I was dressed earlier. This was a bit unexpected to be honest but a nice compliment to be paid!

I have also been giving Andrew O'Neills quote (see previous post) a lot of thought today too. I think ive got over my 'I want to be a woman' stage, I know its never going to happen and as much as im going to get depressed over it from time to time I need to ground myself in reality a little. As such I did a little experiment today and went bra-less and without breastforms for a good chunk of my dressing time, but still had on my dress, wig and makeup and I was actually ok with it. Its clearly something that isnt going to work with tops that are designed with breasts in mind, but I think it could work with a lot of clothing I have.

I know with my partner the breastforms were something that really confused her and slightly freaks her out about this, its one thing to like dressing up and makeup and so on, but adding breasts makes it look like its some kind of roleplay or something. And if for example I ever came out to friends with this, I could see it being the most jarring aspect of it all because of how fake it is to wear them. I suppose a wig wouldnt be much better but I dont have much of a choice there.

The same could be said for when going out and about dressed up whenever it will finally happen. Since passing completely is not an option, finding that balance of being me but dressed in a feminine way seems a more logical target to aim for, rather than putting in loads of effort and fakery to present an image that isnt going to fool anyone. At the very least, itll make toilet trips easier because ill still clearly be a bloke, just in a dress.