Keeping Positive

Well, this has been an introspective month, I think I may have started a mini-mid-life-crisis.
I have a couple of drafts saved on here that ive typed up over the last month, that I decided against posting because they were incredibly negative. Ive been reflecting a lot on the direction my life is taking and how unhappy I am about it. How I have no actual career prospects, how I have isolated myself from friends over the years, the missed opportunities, how I am still trying to balance my trans life, and how even after all this I just have no motivation and find it really difficult to see a way out. At one stage I felt a little overwhelmed, but im now trying to stay positive about it all and concentrate on the things I actually have done this month.

My CV is out there now, I have started applying but know I could apply for more. Its just difficult to motivate myself around the antisocial hours I work. As for what im applying for, well, itll hardly be what I want in a career. Ill probably end up in another call centre job but for now I just want to get out of my current workplace. Ill worry about the career later.

As for my friends, well I dropped off the radar a few years ago when I was struggling with depression, and then I was devoting so much personal time to this trans thing that I never really reconnected with anyone. Recently though I have started to reach out to a few people again. It feels like its been so long though it feels a little awkward. Still, at least there is progress.

The trans-life balance... As much as it irritates me I rarely dress up at all, the effort I have to go through is just too much to maintain. Im still buying the odd item of clothing, and lately I have been looking for things that are casual and also cover up as much as possible. Hopefully this will help since it will take less effort to look the part. Ive also been re-evaluating my image, and have decided that if im never going to pass then I should at least try and embrace who I am a little more. I decided to stop wearing breastforms (although may get them out for special events) and just use chicken fillets for a little shape. Basically, I just want to be more authentic in my appearance to what I am, a part time girl, rather than a wannabe-woman.

I still need to make more trans-time though, and actually do something with it. I miss it.

A Look Back at 2014

First off, I would like to wish everyone a Happy New Year. I hope 2014 went well for you all and I hope you have an amazing 2015.

So, I suppose I should wrap up how the year went. Im not going to bore you with the stats of the blog, instead im going to bore you with how it went for me. What went well, what didnt go so well, what I want to do differently next year... it sounds like im writing my monthly appraisal in work.

Another year has passed, they really do feel like they go quicker every year, and it feels like I am achieving less every year too. This year ive ticked quite a big thing from my trans-to-do list, but around that I dont feel like ive achieved much else.

This is the year I went through NHS counselling, which I had waited for so long for but didnt really feel like I got much out of it. I had waited for so long for the sessions I had already sorted through a number of the issues plaguing me by myself. I also went out in London, which was something that had been on my trans-to-do list for as long as ive been trans, and it was a bit of a let down in some ways. I was with some amazing people, but without the local knowledge the weekend didnt quite go as well as I would have liked. But, im glad I did. It was still an experience and it gave me a few things to reflect on.

But soon after the London trip I was pretty miserable, I just couldnt bring myself to express my female side and im still struggling a little now to really push myself through the massive effort and the dissapointment that can follow. Towards the end of the year I realised all this negativity was being counter productive and I needed to change my thinking and be positive about it, to accept my limitations and actually begin to enjoy expressing my feminine side again. I changed the name of the blog in order to fit with this new outlook, and have had reasonable success with this change in thinking. I still only dressed up once before the end of the year but I did enjoy it, and im not beating myself up mentally anywhere near as I have been in recent times.

But, im still not 100% happy, and im not sure ill ever be really. It still eats at me a little when I have quiet moments. I still have regrets. I still have needs that I feel are unfulfilled. And while im not completely happy with this, is it bad enough to warrant a move towards living full time and in turn losing my girlfriend? No, I dont think it is. So I just have to suck it up and get on with it, and be happy with what I have, and who I am.

So what now for the new year?

Im not going to do what I did last year and set a massive list of specific things that I knew in the back of my mind I was going to fail at. Instead, im going to set a few loose aims, some of which im already making progress with. This year I want to make new local friends, my confidence is not the best when it comes to meeting new people but this year I am putting myself out there because I need to socialise with people who are on my level. I want to get out more, whether it is meeting people at their homes for a girls night in, or going out somewhere LGBT friendly or more public, I dont care. And this year I want to work on my body image. I want to be able to look in the mirror and be completely happy with the person looking back at me, without compromise. Clothes, hair, makeup, overall style, the works. This is going to involve not only a different exercise and grooming regime, but also a change in thinking. I need to do it, I just feel like im wasting away and have nothing to show for my time. Its been a few years now since I started 'coming out' a little, and it feels like I have made so little ground.

Thats it I think. I hope you all have an amazing 2015! x

Exercise Update

I did Yoga 4 days out of 7 last week, but trying to do it from pictures on a few websites I found it felt awkward and I wasnt convinced I was getting into the right positions to get the full benefit. It turns out that maybe I wasnt.

Today I decided to actually work from a video instead, and a quick search on Youtube found there was plenty to choose from. I eventually settled on a channel called 'Yoga With Adriene', and in particular a video which contains a 40 minute workout for beginners. I worked through the whole 40 minutes and plan to for the rest of the week before reassessing. Theres definitely a lot more movement and other things to consider when you are in your poses, and these are things that were missed out on the written tutorials I had found.

It would have made sense to go straight to the videos from the start to be able to see the poses in action as well as an explanation, but the reason I didnt do this was because I wanted to avoid the 'spirituality' aspect of Yoga. I really dont buy into it at all and I didnt want to have to sit through a video of it, but well, it appears this is unavoidable. I do feel a bit silly doing it though, and my cat does seem to love attacking me while I am trying a few poses too, which isnt very helpful.

In Other News

The hair removal I went through the other week didnt quite work as well as I thought it had. My skin was pretty clear for the first few days but once again my back, shoulder, upper arms and chest are covered in loads of angry, sore red spots. Im at a loss to what I can do, I cant keep going through months of this after every time I decide to dress up.

I have also signed up for Pinterest, and I can be found here. I think for now it will just be a selection of ideas and things ive found that I might want to try to help advance my female side, including exercise, makeup, clothes, and so on. I thought id give it a go, and see if it is of any use.

Getting Fit... Again...

I am incredibly unfit. My joints creak and ache, and if I sit still long enough, they get stiff and uncomfortable when I have to actually move again. I make noises when I have to stand up (definitely getting old) and I have no stamina at all. Also my ham strings are so tight I can not totally straighten my legs apart from when I am stood up. So, the effort to get fit starts again.

This week I have been trying yoga, and I have done it 3 out of the past 4 days so far. Im not doing it properly by going to classes or anything, oh no. Im doing it my way. I have found a few websites with some beginners poses and this week have been copying the images and instructions, and the routine im doing takes about 20-30 minutes a day. Of course this may mean im doing some of the poses incorrectly, and I certainly dont feel any benefit from a few of them, but with others I can definitely feel the strain.

Yoga looks a lot easier than it really is! You see pictures of people looking all calm and stretching themselves out into positions with ease. The reality for me is aching muscles, shaking, struggling, and in one particular position I go light headed because im upside down for so long! Im sure it will get easier with time but right now my fitness level is so low I cant wait to get out of a few positions.

Im still trying to figure out which poses are the best for me, I want flexibility back in my legs, back and shoulders, and I want to tone without adding muscle. And there also needs to be the consideration that I currently have all the flexibility and grace of a brick. And if there is anything I can do to reduce my waist and/or help give me a slightly more feminine shape, ill do it! Ive been cycling through a few poses but I just dont really know which ones will have the effect I want.

I think in the long run I might look at figuring out a routine which is part yoga, part pilates, and part aerobic exercise to help shape and tone my body, and then maybe after that look at starting to go jogging again. But I definitely need to take it one step at a time.

Keeping Secrets

As the very perceptive 'B. Strong' commented on my last post, ive not exactly been forthcoming with my partner about what ive been getting up to lately when it comes to my girly side. Its not that ive been lying, ive just not really been telling her about anything.

I didnt tell her before I removed my body hair, I didnt tell her that I had ordered new clothes, and I didnt tell her that I had planned to dress up last weekend. She confronted me about this yesterday, and clearly wasnt happy that I wasnt talking about it, and that I was keeping secrets. And even during this conversation I didnt really want to talk about it. Theres a couple of things going on here that means im finding it really difficult to open up about this with her recently. Ive never been entirely comfortable with talking about it anyway but lately this is even worse.

I dont really ask or need to know about everything she does, when she shaves her legs, or what clothes she is buying and why, or even what plans she has on any given day. Im a great believer in personal freedoms, I dont see why I need to check in every thing I decide to do with her. I dont do it (or need to do it) with anything else in my life, so it feels awkward having to 'check in' things I want to do with her, before I do them. But then over the course of the year, she hasnt exactly been the most positive person when I have wanted to talk about it either. Her attitude changes and I can tell that she either wasnt really interested, or wasnt happy to be talking about it. And when I have brought things up like clothes, she shoots the conversation down. She hasnt really been very supportive lately, and again this attitude shows. This hasnt exactly helped with my confidence with bringing things up with her.

Thats not to say she has been entirely negative all the time, we still have had the odd joke over it and she has asked the odd question, but im in a position where I feel like if I do bring it up she probably wont be happy, and if I dont she wont be happy either. In fact, my confidence about showing her this side of me generally has just taken a massive dip. I feel embarrassed, I feel like I let her down. And her attitude with me is not helping.

And Finally After 6 Months...

I finally dressed up again, and I have missed it terribly. My gf has been away this weekend and within hours it was like a tranny bomb had hit the house. Clothes pulled out from various places and strewn everywhere, makeup all over the table. Assorted trans related goods dotted around the place. I went a bit crazy. :)

Ive had a bit of a clear out. Some of my earlier purchases were not the classiest/flattering, and theyve been sat shamefully at the bottom of various piles for ages. So what this meant is trying on loads and loads of clothes trying to decide what to keep and what to throw away. Ive now got a bag full of clothes from the wardrobe, and ive binned loads of stuff from my tranny-cupboard too. I just couldnt bear to throw away some of my party dresses though, im probably never going to wear them but they are too pretty!

Ive been experimenting with what accessories I use this weekend. Ive been dressing up without boobs just to see what its like and I think when im dressing up more relaxed, I could quite happily go without the breastforms. If im going out though, I may still wear them.

I bought some new makeup this weekend to try as well. When I was in London I went to a Boots and got my face tested for their colour match foundation (which was spot on btw). Well it turns out based on your foundation you can get lipstick that is also matched to your skin tone as well. So I checked their website to see what lipstick colours were compatible with my foundation and then headed to the main store in town. Im pretty sure the girl behind the counter knew it was for me but there we go.

Since it is party season I thought id experiment and go for some red lipstick and co-ordinating nail varnish. I didnt think I would like it too much but you know what, I actually really do. Im not sure when I will ever need to wear red lipstick again but I do like the look if it. Its such a nice colour and really didnt budge all day. I wasnt doing anything particularly heavy duty with my lips but I didnt have to re-apply once. I also bought some purple varnish with a pinky lipstick too but didnt get a chance to try them over the weekend.  Maybe next time.

When it came to the dreaded task of hair removal it actually went pretty well this time around. Historically ive always had a problem with it, with my skin reacting in weird and nasty ways. But this time ive hardly had a reaction at all apart from one pretty serious one. I used Veet for men again, I only kept it on for the maximum guide time (not up to 10 mins as some people say) and then wiped it off with an old tshirt. I had no reaction and it did a pretty good job but not perfect, the only issue was on my hip it actually burnt me. As soon as it was applied I felt it burn so I washed it off but the damage was already done, and im now left with a rash on my hips. After using the Veet I then waited 24 hours and then went over problem areas with a razor, but rather than the usual multi blade job, on the back of Gilette Fusion blades is a single blade used for trimming. I used that extremely softly and I had no real reaction at all. It doesnt get every hair but it was good enough for this weekend.

Well now im back, I dont intend to stop. Ive really enjoyed this weekend even though I havent left the house. I think im past the negative thinking of recent times, and I cant wait for my next chance to dress up again.

T-Central Guest Post

A while back now I received an email from Calie over at  T-Central, asking if I would be interested in writing a guest post for their new series of 'Thoughts and Reflections'. Initially I was hesitant, I wasnt sure that I was going to be able to type anything that I felt would be up to standard. I felt like if I was going to write for her then my post should have meaning (like Lynn's excellent, motivational piece), rather then the self indulgence I usually post on here. But after countless attempts at trying to write something meaningful without coming across as preachy, I stuck to what I know and settled for the self indulgence anyway! I decided that my journey was the only one I was truly qualified to speak about, so I created a post which covered a brief bit of my history, along with some ponderings ive been having lately about how to fit all this trans stuff into my crowded and established male identity.

I spent a considerable amount of my free time working on it (when I should have been job hunting) and went through loads of different ideas, versions and edits. I found it quite difficult trying to be honest about what ive been through without sounding too negative/depressing, but I think I found a nice balance. And I also didnt want to spend ages waffling on, so I even cut loads out to try and keep it interesting. I just hope I didnt cut too much out and lose some of the points I wanted to make.

So yeah, if you are interested in reading it, my contribution to 'Thoughts and Reflections' can be found here. I would love to hear what you think.