An Eventful Year

Hi everyone, it's been a while since my last post and a few things have happened during this time but I've just not had a chance to sit at my computer to get it all down.

Coming Out To A Friend

Back in July, I decided to come out to a friend I work with. She's the first person in my 'day life' that I've chosen to come out, and it was very scary. We've worked together for many years and get on so well, we have a similar sense of humour, trust each other with secrets (generally bitching about people in work lol), and recently she shared something with me about her that made me think it could be worth telling her and that she could be trusted.

I slipped a few not so subtle tests into conversation like "ugh (HP author who I shall not name directly) is all over my Twitter feed again" to see what her responses were going to be like. I also found out she has a non binary friend, so in the end I just decided to go for it.

After saying the words over WhatsApp, I was suddenly terrified of what I'd done. She is someone I work with, what if she decided to blab it around work? The culture is very pro LGBT there so my job wouldn't be at risk, but personally/socially? 

She seemed to take the news well, and we agreed to go for a drink after work about a few weeks later to properly catch up. We chatted a bit on WhatsApp during this time and it was almost like nothing had changed, although once or twice she had to reassure me everything was going to be fine. I was probably being a bit of a drama queen. :)

So we met up, had some drinks, and she had many questions and I opened up about everything. The real reason I moved away from home (THIS!), missed opportunities, the dysphoria, exploratory experiences. coming out to my partner, my recent night out, regrets, politics and society from our perspective, and so much more. I showed her a few photos and she said I looked so happy in them and "look at you with long hair!". :) 

All the things I'd prepared in my head probably came out as a rambling mess but it was done. She was so lovely, calm, and even offered if there's anything she could do to help. Our WhatsApp chats have now changed, we talk about outfits and she offers advice, and has decided that she's going to help me look foxy, whatever that means. :)

About a month later, she came over to my house and met me properly for the first time. We drank a bottle of gin between us and just chatted all day and night. I can't remember her exact words but I think at one point she said she prefers me like this, so there we go. :) I think I have a true friend in her.

Second Night Out

At the end of October I went to the legendary Tribe of Frog again with my friend Fran. I was much happier with my outfit and makeup this time, going for a more dramatic eyeliner and lip colour, and had a really good time.

We started with a quick drink at The Social which is a bar up the road. Like last time, the bar staff were really nice and one of them even came over for a little chat, asking why Fran was drinking Ale with a straw ("so it doesn't ruin my lipstick", "ah, we wondered if it would get you drunk quicker"). These friendly interactions made me feel so welcome.

Then we made our way over to The Lakota for our night out, and same as before, we had a brilliant night. The staff were all nice and respectful, our chats and interactions with other ravers was always friendly and respectful and fun. It all just felt normal and right, which is exactly what I wanted. And the music was banging. :)

I never thought I would get to go the kind of nightclubs and raves I like to go to like this. I still can't quite believe I get to do this now.

I had been feeling a bit dysphoric during the weeks leading up to this and I had a few pangs while I was there. On the odd occasion I couldn't help but compare myself and feel maybe a little inadequate against the cis women around me, when that hit me I suppose I felt quite self conscious. Envious maybe. It didn't ruin my night or anything but it definitely bothered me a bit.

We drank a lot and danced our little feet off, before finally leaving when it kicked out at 7am for our weary walk back to the hotel. And we now need to plan our next adventure. I recently found out Fold in London is an LGBT friendly Techno venue, so that might be our next destination.

My Partners Acceptance

Since coming out to my partner, apart from the rocky start she has always been accepting of my gender identity but over the last say 8 years it slowly became the elephant in the room for various reasons. Eventually this led to conversations getting shut down, she was happy for me to do things but didn't want to see or know about it, and eventually it became easier if not better that I just didn't mention it at all and did things without telling her.

While my night out earlier in the year had started to reverse some of this, I was still finding it difficult to open up with her. Coming out to my friend was a very spur of the moment, impulsive decisions, and against the backdrop of the above, I didn't tell my partner.

So after doing the deed, I had to tell her and she was not happy at all. We had a big chat and I tried to calm her fears, like no I wasn't planning on coming out to everyone, this was most likely a one off. It was a difficult conversation.

Over time though, our relationship seems to be changing in a positive way that I think this was the catalyst of. She's been making more of an effort to open up, to talk about this side of me, to want to offer advice and get involved. Over the months it's been awkward for me, it's taken time to get over the secretive habits I'd fallen into and worrying about what she would think about me and the choices I make with what I wear and do. But we have been working on this. She'd even suggested me dressing up around the house but I wasn't sure she was really ready for that.

As I was preparing for my night out she seemed to be showing genuine interest in what I was going to wear and do. In the week leading up to it I wanted to buy a dress in a different colour as well as a few other little bits, and she came with me. Shopping with her was something new, and she made it seem like it was the most normal thing. 

Then, last weekend I decided while my waxing was still relatively fresh, and while I was still full of confidence from my night out, and our recent conversations and shopping trip, to have a 'me' day at home. I put on a very casual outfit and light (probably too light) make up, and we spent the evening just watching TV like any other normal night in.

Over the night she was complimentary about my appearance, said I looked nice, held my hand for a bit and said she loved me. It feels like we've leapt over a huge hurdle here. God knows what really goes through her head but huge progress has been made and I'm very happy about that. Although I do worry that she'll suddenly snap back so I suppose I'm still a little cautious.

But overall, we're communicating more and the shame/embarrassment is getting less each time, and she seems to be much more accepting now. This has almost come out of nowhere and it's a welcome change.

So after maybe 7-8 years of slipping backwards, I've been on two nights out, have an amazing friend who now knows, and my partner seems to have really changed her view on this. It really has been an eventful year.

I update this blog a few times a year to share my personal thoughts and experiences that mostly I don't share anywhere else, but this time it feels maybe self indulgent? I don't know. Blogs seems to be a dying form these days. Does anyone benefit from reading stuff like this? My stats show I get quite a few hits I guess but I don't know why. 

Anyways, the world is a hostile place right now and I hope you are staying as safe as you can wherever you are. Take care and love to you all.

Chloe x

I Went Out Out

Hi!

Last weekend I ticked several things off the bucket list. Not only did I go on my first night out as 'me' in 8 years, but also my first night out ever to non LGBT venues as well as my first night out to a Dance Music club which I have wanted to visit for many years anyway, which is also non LGBT. I've never really been keen on the usual Trans friendly spaces, they serve a purpose sure, but I'm not really into support groups or the bar scene or mainstream nightclubs, whether its a straight or LGBT venue.

This is probably going to be a long post. I want to say a little about the preparation and issues I was having beforehand under the heading "The Buildup" or if you want to skip that bit and head straight to the night out itself, scroll down to "The Drop".

The Buildup

About 2 months ago I got together for a chat and a drink with a Trans friend who I have known for maybe 10 years now, on and off. We've never met as our 'true selves', but it's still nice to meet in 'boymode' and we have many common interests, including music. She's been trying to get me to join her on a night out for years, but she was always going out locally to LGBT venues and I'm not out like she is, so that wasn't going to happen.

We were talking about music and events that were happening around the area and we idly discussed going to a proper nightclub as ourselves, but somewhere where it would be safe to do something like that. Certain venues with aggressive bouncers or certain music scenes might not be the safest place for a Trans person to visit.

An idea that came up was a popular PsyTrance night in a neighboring city because we both like the music and PsyTrance attracts quite a hippy crowd, one you think would be open to people who are outside the norm. Soon after our get together, we were chatting online and decided that we would do it.

I haven't been out as 'me' in a very long time, I've put on weight, a lot of my clothes are old and don't fit anymore, but also I haven't really talked about this side of me with my partner for a very long time and it was feeling like it was becoming the elephant in the room a bit.

So over the course of the next few months, I had a lot of practical things I had to arrange because I didn't want to stand out looking different, I spent a lot of time stressing about the unknowns (to me) of doing something new like this in public, but also I had to tell my partner as well.

I won't bore you with the details of the practical side, but briefly:

• Find an outfit I could wear with as little padding as possible, which I agonised over the whole time leading up to the night out. A big thank you to my friends who didn't hear the end of this for about a month! :)
• Buy new jewellery and accessories for the night to complete my outfit.
  
• Figure out long lasting, sweat proof makeup.
• Lose a few pounds to fit into a dress I wanted to wear, which I succeeded in doing with intermittent fasting and a little cycling. 
• Get a new wig which would be cooler to wear and cheap in case it got lost or damaged. After messaging someone at Lush Wigs they advised that getting one without any lace would be the coolest to wear and they had a gorgeous wig for £30 which I picked up.
• Get an almost full body wax a few days before the event, and OW! It hurt! But the results are amazing.

I haven't really talked about this side of me with my partner for years, it's basically been on hold from when we were hard saving to buy a house, then buying a house, then renovating, then Covid and so on. I was aware it was something which she had been growing uncomfortable with for some reason, I could tell when the subject came up her tone and demeanor changed, and I was finding it more and more difficult to talk about with her and I wasn't really keen on bringing this night out up with her.

So one night we sat down and we had a chat about it. She has always said she doesn't want to get in my way with my Trans side and was happy for me to go, but she had a lot of insecurities around this that I think she has been holding onto for quite a while. 

She was worried I'm going to one day want to transition and leave her, or I'm going to decide I want to have sex with men and leave her for a man. I think she also compares herself to my female side who she sees as glamorous (for some reason?) and she isn't like that, I think she thinks that this is what my taste in women is and she isn't that kind of woman.

So we had a long chat and I tried to settle those worries. No I'm not planning on transition, no I'm not interested in men. What I like to wear doesn't mean that's what I find attractive on another woman, but also I'm not really glamorous either, that was just when I was going out to LGBT bars as that was what people there wore, but I'd be much rather be in comfy clothes and a hoodie. I did mention that I do wish I could make some changes so it was easier for me to go from one gender expression to the other, but I'm aware that compromises have to be made.

It was good to get all that out in the open to be honest, it feels like it's been sat there for years. Since then, she seems to be more calm about me being Trans and we have what feels like normal conversations about it. She doesn't want to see it, she's said she isn't ready for that, and she feels guilty that she doesn't get involved with it? She thinks she should be doing things with 'me'. I've assured her that just giving me space is more than enough, she doesn't need to be there as well, although she is always welcome. I invited her to the night out as I always have before, which she declined.

On the day, I checked into the hotel first, my friend wasn't due to turn up until later in the evening. I popped into the city to do some shopping and pick up some bits I'd forgotten. The weather forecast was for rain in the evening, so I also had to go and buy a raincoat just in case. Dressed as I was, I'm sure the staff in the store were a bit confused why I was trying on ladies coats. :)

I then went back to my hotel room and started getting ready, and as well as the weather forecast through the day it felt like everything that could go wrong was going wrong. Under the lights in the hotel bathroom, my beard shadow wasn't covering properly, my concealer looked really obvious, an eyeliner I'd picked up at the suggestion of a friend was difficult to use and I got everywhere, then I realised I'd packed the wrong micellar water and I couldn't get it off so I rubbed one eye raw. I couldn't get my new hair to sit right, and even after leaving my nails to dry for ages I still ended up bumping and smudging my nail polish. I was so stressed!!!

As the evening drew closer and it was approaching time to leave, all those problems I'd been worrying about for the last hour faded away much like the weather update which said the rain was getting pushed towards the morning, enough that I felt OK to risk not taking the rain jacket I'd spent ages shopping for. Typical. :)

The Drop

My friend turned up at the hotel all ready for the night out, but the people on reception said they were not left a key for her (which they definitely were). So my big grand entrance to the world as my first time out as me in 8 years, was spent going down to the hotel reception in all my finery to explain the situation and get them to give her a new key. This was not really how I imagined my first night out was going to start. :)

We went back to the room, dropped her stuff off, spent a few more minutes getting ready then we left. We got a few minutes round the corner from the hotel, decided it was far too cold and went back to the hotel to get our jackets. Yet another false start. :)

After this, we finally left! The club wasn't far from the hotel and we decided to go to a bar before for a few drinks first. The bars in the area were not LGBT spaces, so this would be my first time going to straight bars and I was really unsure how this would go. Of course it was also really windy, so I had to hold my hair down as we were walking around and my hair really fluffed up which was so annoying.

The first bar we went to, the bouncer greeted us "Hi guys" with a big friendly smile on his face. I commented about the possible backhanded use of guys to my friend but she said that was just a general greeting. Dressed as we were, I wasn't so sure but decided to join her in that blissful ignorance. The bar was busy, there were loads of people in there, the bar staff were friendly and we were treated like anyone else. The normality was so nice.

After this, we went to another bar up the road. Same greeting, same service, and much quieter so we were able to sit at a table and speak more about how the night was going.

At both bars I didn't notice any double takes or side eyes or anything from anyone there, staff or customers. It was really nice just how normal it felt to be out in the world as me. After we finished our drinks, we then wandered back down the road and onto the club.

The bouncers greeted us with a smile saying "Hi ladies" (much more like it), I opened my bag for him to search and he complimented my hair and asked if it was mine (not bad for £30!). The club itself is an old warehouse decorated with drapes and hanging decorations covering almost every surface, all lit up and glowing like a UV wonderland. The sound systems were all loud and clear, and there were 4 rooms of music to choose from. Perfect. :)

We had an amazing time enjoying the music, taking in the scenery, having plenty to drink, and dancing the night away until the morning.

Again, over the course of the night the staff there were friendly and smiley and treated us like anyone else. We chatted with a few clubbers there and we were treated like any other women. From the drunk rocker lady whose first night it was there as well, who called us beautiful and gave the goss on among so many other things the men she had to deal with working at Coyote Ugly (I wish I'd got to know her more, she was so fun), the ladies chatting to us and dancing with us while queuing for the loo, and the guy who approached us in the chillout area and greeted us and said we were beautiful as well (in a platonic way, we thought he might be Trans as well), and of course all the people on the dancefloor who were all smiles and friendly or even just paid us no attention as we all danced away.

We were going to leave when it finished at 7am but after getting our coats a little early to avoid the cloakroom queue, we decided to go and ended up leaving at 6.30am. It was already daylight by then so the final first experience of the night was the walk of shame back to the hotel. :)

A Dream Realised and a Learning Experience

There are some practical issues I've taken away from this, like I thought I had nailed covering beard shadow but that clearly needs more work, so I won't be going out in daytime anytime soon.

But more importantly, I'm a lifelong clubber/raver. Dance Music in various forms has been in my blood since I discovered it as a teenager. And one thing I've always wanted to do in all this time, is to be able to go to events like this authentically as me. It sounds sad in a way, but this night was a lifelong dream of mine and I'm so happy it went so well. I had probably one of the best nights of my life simply because I didn't have to hide who I truly was.

I'm aware I don't have a figure that's particularly feminine or that I move or sound as feminine as I would like. But even with all this working against me, any interactions I had with people throughout the night never felt forced or like there was any judgement or confusion about what they were looking at. The normality of being read as and treated like any other woman, to be taken at face value, was something I realised I was missing more than I thought I was.

It's one thing chatting with friends online or meeting in 'boymode' or whatever, but there is nothing more affirming than a normal, in person, face to face interaction where the other person just accepts what they see and treats you as such. Whether you're arguing about where the hotel key was left, ordering a drink at a bar, or tipsily joking with a bouncer as you leave a nightclub at 6.30 in the morning.

But to be honest, as amazing as the time was that I had and how happy I've felt knowing I've experienced it, I feel a little sad knowing that is what I'm missing and not knowing when I will be getting it again. Until next time I guess.

Chloe x

Overthinking Feminism?

Hey.

I hope you're well and staying safe and sane in the current climate in the UK and the rest of the world. Just when you feel like things couldn't get any worse, our government is being frankly horrific towards Trans people, using us as a wedge in an effort to overturn the ECHR and the Equality Act, which will be awful for everyone. The corrupt people who run the country make me so, so angry.

Anyway... That's not the point of today's musing. I didn't realise it's been over a year since my last post! I think that's probably what this blog is going to be now, just an occasional outlet when I have something I need to let out of my poor, long suffering brain. And today this is something I've been mulling over for a while, my relationship with feminism.

I feel like, given who and what I am, what my values are, and what my beliefs are about how women are treated by society and how they should be treated, that I'm a feminist. How could anyone not be? We should all be equal and free from discrimination, men and women and everyone in between, and this is what feminism stands for to me.

When I see the discourse around this online however, I feel like I'm very uneducated about it. I don't keep up with the latest news, read the books, follow the podcasts, and so on. I'm not academic about the subject and I'm not really an activist in any aspect of my life apart from the occasional rant online, but I feel like to be a feminist, I'm expected to be both of these things.

I see women online on various sites and apps identifying themselves as a feminist. But I feel awkward identifying myself the same way.  Because am I really one? What if I'm quizzed about my feminist credentials? Have I read this book or did I attend that march? Will I pass the test? Or will I be exposed as being some kind of unknowing faker? 

I think there's also an element of how I compartmentalise my gender influencing this as well. I'm not very outspoken, there's been too many years of shutting down my thoughts and feelings as a keeping being Trans a secret defence mechanism and also because men have to be seen to be emotionless drones, so I'm automatically very guarded with what I do share, apart from on here.

When I do have to be 'him', in my experience being a feminist is not something that men would go around saying about themselves even if it was something they believed in. Can't let that male image get bruised being associated with a word that contains "fem" eh? What would the lads say? And from what I've seen, declaring it as a male sets up different expectations because of their position in the patriarchal order.

I think about what my partner would think if it came up in conversation while I'm 'him' that I'm a feminist, what her reaction would be. Would she, or any woman I know as 'him' for that matter, take me seriously? Would she laugh? Or would she think: "no you're not, you don't help with the (insert example chore here)!".

Do I have some internalised toxic masculinity or some self perceived societal expectation hanging over me? Or is it simply fear of failing to live up to some kind of perfectionist standard stopping me from 'coming out' as a feminist in both aspects of this life I have to live?

I'm totally overthinking all this I'm sure. But feminism is so important and I feel like as someone who has a foot in both worlds that I want to get it right.

Anyway enough about me, there's bigger issues to be worrying about in the world right now. Please take care.

With love, Chloe x

A Month of Freedom

Hey, I hope you're all doing OK lovelies. x

So for about the last month my partner had to go away. Can you guess what I got up to while she was gone? ;)

The last three weekends have been absolute bliss. I've been able to be me every weekend, as soon as I mustered the energy to prepare. I practiced make up and thanks to some tips I picked up from some free online makeup lessons I attended from The Pretty Fix, which I highly recommend by the way, I think I've nailed the technique for covering beard shadow (as well as possible anyway) and also smokey eyes too.

I was so happy with the way my makeup was looking. I've never felt this good about it. The 5 o'clock shadow is still an issue but I don't think there's much I can do about that, and I still need to practice getting eyeliner and lip liner straight, but I was so happy with everything else. I have sooo many photos! :)

I've definitely found some confidence now I know I can look at least a little bit presentable. I think I've fallen into the makeup trap...

I also bought some clip on earrings too. It sounds silly because of the amount of time I've been doing this, but I've never worn earrings before. I wanted to get my ears pierced earlier this year, but my partner shot this idea down. She wants this clear definition between male me and female me, which I understand. I suppose I'm quite binary in that respect too, I don't want to appear in the middle, I'm either all girl or all boy (at least in appearance).

When I looked at clip ons years ago, they all looked like they were too vintage for me (not my thing) or for kids. But these last few weeks, I was able to find some I'd be happy to wear (thank you Etsy!). They can be a little uncomfortable when in the wrong position, but when they sit right I was able to wear them for hours with no problems apart from one pair which still pinched a little, but was bearable.

I do wish I could wear normal earrings though, or that there was a larger selection of clip ons that look like they are for daytime wearing.

It feels a little selfish but in a way, I don't want my partner to come home. I love her to bits and I have missed her, but I do feel I have to hide a part of me away when shes around and it was so refreshing just not having to do that, and for so long too. I'm going to miss this so much.

Right, I need a day trip or night out somewhere. Any suggestions?

Anyway I hope you are safe and well. Take care.

Chloe x