This weekend I did it. After several years or more of not having the time or the space or the privacy or the patience, energy, enthusiasm or the right mood, an opportunity presented itself and I was able to push myself through my hang ups about my body and appearance to take advantage of this. I saw myself again and it felt good. I felt good.
As far as she lets on, my partner is accepting of me to the point where recently and out of the blue she commented/reminded me that even though we've been working from home for the last 6 months or so and our house lacks any privacy, I could be myself at home and she would be OK with this. However over the last few years I've put on weight and my confidence has all but disappeared. I didn't want to run the risk of doing this then having a bit of a crisis with her around.
But this weekend she went away, so I had the house to myself. Perfect. I didn't have the entire weekend free to do as I wanted but I could make some preparations and then have all of Sunday to myself, so I decided I had to just get over myself and try to get come of my confidence back. Even a little bit would do.
I stumbled on the Friday. The old train of thought crept in. So I didn't start the arduous task of removing my body hair until Saturday evening instead and again, I almost gave up before I even started but I forced myself to get up and into that bathroom.
After a quick once over with my beard trimmer (my body hair one went missing), I slathered myself with Nair hair removal cream. I hadn't used Nair before and I wanted to see if it was more effective than previous attempts at de-fuzzing.
It wasn't great. It left a fair amount of shortened hair and patches of longer hair all over the place. This could have been because of the trimming I'd done beforehand, but I didn't go over my body again in case I caused a reaction on my skin so I had to leave it as it was.
On the Sunday I once again had confidence problems and put off doing anything until about mid afternoon when I finally decided I'd have to at least finish removing the patchy hair on my body. I'd managed to find my body hair trimmer in the mean time so I used this before turning to my trusty Mach 5.
I have to say, this is probably the smoothest I've ever been. I think using the Nair first had softened or damaged or got rid of enough of the hair so the trimmer followed by the razor made short work of what was left. This lifted my spirits, so I slipped on my satin robe and broke out the warpaint! It'd been several years since I last wore makeup though, so where to start?
|I felt so pretty!|
I'd remembered some things and turned to the internet for others. I had no idea if I was applying too much or too little foundation, or if I was using my brushes correctly. Due to my hooded eyes I had to apply eyeliner on the waterline and that tickled on the bottom eyelid, and I kept jabbing my eyeball at the top. My eye shadow was also awful but again due to the hooded eyes, I tried to keep it very simple and I have no idea if I used or blended enough. Basically, it was a bit of a disaster.
Due to the weight I've put on, I didn't even bother trying on most of my clothes since I knew they wouldn't fit anymore and just turned to a lovely dress from Oasis that's a flattering shape but also made from mesh, so it has plenty of stretch. It was still tight though. I had to pop my boobs out to get the zipper up, before slipping them back in. But I got it on, followed by some grey heeled ankle boots.
I quickly brushed my wig and slipped it on my head, then went straight to the mirror and there she was. I'd missed you/me!
|Coming soon to a nail bar near you.|
I was so happy with what I saw. My eyebrows were like caterpillars since I haven't been able to get them done since before lock down and my eye makeup wasn't the best, but it didn't matter. The rest of it was working enough that I just looked and felt right. The clothes looked cute and felt so nice to wear. I felt pretty. So, so pretty. Why can't I feel like this all the time?
I painted my nails and while waiting for them to dry I decided to turn on the PlayStation to pass the time. Pro tip: it turns out that a PlayStation controller is an excellent way to keep your fingers apart and busy while waiting for nail polish to dry!
After they'd dried and I'd taken in how I was feeling, the obligatory selfie session followed and after I'd ran out of poses and angles to take photos from, I remembered I'd bought a fan a while ago with a slogan on it that I thought was pretty funny. I'd love to go clubbing as myself one day. As in actual clubbing, not BNO or some overpriced cheesy club, but one that plays decent Dance Music. So I got changed into a dress I'd also bought with that in mind that was also stretchy but nowhere near as flattering, and took more photos in that too. Mainly because I wanted a photo of the fan.
|Yes. Yes I am.|
I was sad to take it all off and put it all away at the end. But I think it has given me some confidence back, made me feel a little (only a little) better about myself and also given me a bit of drive to actually work towards living as me again.
It's also made me realise how unfit I am. I'd like to (well, I think I have to) start doing some Pilates and proper exercise. I also want to work on my voice and my feminine mannerisms (although I have no idea where to start learning how to act feminine). And why are poses so hard to do? I might as well add that to the list as well. I want to start taking this all a little more seriously.
Finally I have to stop being cheap with buying clothes and jewellery. The Oasis dress was a one off but usually I buy cheap sale items which greatly reduces the amount of outfits that might fit or flatter my body shape. I think it's important to get a few nice things that work well for me. And maybe in the near future I'd want to get my ears pierced as well. I'm not sure what my partner would think about this and I'm sure at my age I'll get some ribbing about having a mid life crisis, but lets just see how it goes. I think I'm getting carried away here... Maybe this is a sign of how well it went?
The question is now then, will this persist? Will I be able to keep this momentum going and actually put things in place to make me a happier, better, more girly person? I have no idea, but I hope so. I really do.