Im feeling a bit down today, I want to talk about it but im finding difficult to describe it. Ive spent many years of my life hiding my feelings (not just about crossdressing but in general), and bottling things up and now I find it difficult to interpret the feelings I have. Ive been reading a blog by another tranny (read this, its good: lisa-johanna.blogspot.co.uk/) which is brilliant, the way she describes her journey seems to mirror a lot of what I feel and go through but she can certainly describe it more eloquently than I can. She has been out and about as her alter-ego and I want what she has. A friend to talk to, make her over, go out with her on trips, etc. Last night as I was reading it I thought to myself fuck it im going to tell my gf about my crossdressing and then as the night went on I analysed it and went through the usual motions of changing my mind.
When I went to sleep I had quite a long and intense dream and I dont dream often at all. I cant remember the details but I can remember my gf speaking to me early this morning saying when she was getting ready for work (I didnt actually wake up properly and get out of bed till midday) that I was breathing weird and I remember replying 'i was drowning'. Now if you believe that dreams have meaning then its not hard to figure out what that means.
Today I feel pretty depressed, low mood, lump in my throat like im going to cry but im not, no motivation. Im feeling really lost. Its difficult because I have no-one to talk to about it and I feel alone. Chatting online with people is great and it means I have an outlet to a point but its not enough. I need to get this off my chest and get out there and accept this part of me but as usual im a fucking coward. I hide my true feelings and just go with the flow, its all ive done my entire life. I cant ever see a time where ill actually go through with it and that leaves me with 2 options, a life of depression or a life without her. Considering I cant even get the guts to be honest with her about me, I cant see myself leaving her anytime soon.
My one CD friend I have who I meet up with regular is nice but we havent dressed up together in a long time because of commitments she has, but it is nice to catch up. Plus I dont feel like I can chat to her about stuff like this anyway because she is well and truly out there with everyone she knows so i dont think she knows what im going through.