Wednesday, 30 January 2013

Wasting Time

So we are near the end of January already, 2013 is slipping away so quickly. All the things I want to do and already one twelfth of the year has passed me by.

Work is such a time hog. By the time I finish there isnt enough time to do anything apart from to eat and get in a little down time before the next shift, and when I am off I just want to relax and try and forget about my previous shifts, and try not to worry about my next. I dont enjoy being there and I really need to get a new job, but I have debts to pay and there really is not much out there.

Due to the irregularity of my shift pattern im also finding it difficult to find the time and the motivation to socialise with friends from neither my male or female side, or to find time to start working through my new years resolutions in an effort to progress with this side of me. I need to figure out how to fit the routines into my day, and start giving myself some space to be me.

I have been feeling a bit better about myself this week or so, as usual as soon as I had decided I needed to go and see a GP my mood picked up and I didnt actually make that appointment. No doubt in a few weeks I will feel bad again, and as soon as I make the decision to go and see a GP ill perk back up again. It seems when I am on an 'up' I seem to forget about how low I feel when im 'down', its only when I read back the posts on here that I remember what my train of thought was like. I may just try and make an appointment next week anyway, it feels a bit wrong going there when I have nothing really wrong with me at that moment, but I dont want this to get to the point I was at last year.

I have realised that the thoughts I had that would trigger my GD have died down quite a lot over the last month or so. It used to be where I would be continuously running things through my head about where my life was going and where I wanted or needed it to go, usually triggered by seeing people living the life I want to live. Now it just seems that when I am on a low moment I cant really specify why. I just feel like im on an emotional edge for no apparent reason.

Im still in two minds about whether to mention this to the GP. I suppose I should but, I dont know. I kind of dont want to get that ball rolling. Something ive wanted almost my entire life is to be female, but this is at odds with my current circumstances. Im trying so hard to just find a balance that works and going through this could probably just make things worse for me.

Typing this is making me feel low again so I am going to stop for now.

Friday, 25 January 2013

Buying Clothes That Fit

I ordered some casual clothes the other day and my parcel finally arrived today, just in time to coincide with another day ive got to let Aimee loose! I wanted to get clothes I could wear without the whole hassle of shaving absolutely everything beforehand on my more casual dressing days, so I went for t-shirts and tops with high necks. I usually order from places that do free delivery and returns, so I can then order 2 sizes of what I want and then send back what I dont need. However, finding tops and t-shirts that fit right is incredibly difficult to do because of my man-shoulders.

Out of my whole order, only two tops (one t-shirt, one vest, both size 12/M) fit good, the rest were either too tight at the top or too loose at the bottom. Im aware that when it comes to clothes im going to have to make compromises due to my shape, but trying to decide whether to go too small or large is proving a difficult choice. I can fit into the small tops but they do look a little tight around the top, and I do think this looks a lot better than the excess material around the hips of a medium size. At the same time it does make my 'girls' quite pronounced, and I cant believe im saying this but it makes me feel a little self-conscious too. Not because they will be more on display, but more of concern about what my partner will think. She finds the fact I wear breasts a little strange, and was one of the harder things it took for her to accept about this side of me because it changes it from beyond just dressing up as a girl through to wanting to be one. One of the t-shirts that does fit has 'Bench.' in silvery glittery writing across the breasts and this also makes me a little self-conscious to wear it too, but not to the same level as the tight tops. I think I can get over it.

I think I need to sit down with my partner at some point and have a proper discussion about this side of me. We havent really properly talked about it since I came out to her. We talked about my past and what the effects are of not being able to express this, but havent really talked about the stuff, well, that I went to counselling for. Its difficult though because even after the counselling I still dont really understand it myself. I dont know what drives me to do it, and I dont know what I can do to get to a place where I am truly happy. Im still no closer to finding a male/female balance that is right for me, I have weeks of being fine and then weeks of feeling low and im not even convinced that my low feelings are entirely gender related. How can I have a discussion about something I dont even understand myself.

Thursday, 17 January 2013

Finally, A Day To Be Me

For the first time in a month or so now I have finally managed to get some me time. It took me hours to tidy up a months worth of being a man, but I finally managed it. I couldnt be bothered to get the camera out but I took a quick picture with my laptops webcam  to put on here. It took me ages to go through my clothes to find something to wear, I really need to go through what ive got and figure out what I need to get some complete outfits.

So after finishing up and looking at myself in the mirror, im fairly reasonably happy with what I managed to achieve. It has however all been done under artificial light so whether it would hold up on a day trip is unlikely. And as far as my mood is concerned, im calmer than I have been over the past few weeks but I wouldnt say my mood has lifted. But it has been nice to be able to primp in the mirror (I know, vain) and actually be happy with how I look, rather than be indifferent to the hairy beast I usually look like. I make absolutely no effort with my male side whatsoever, its a pointless exercise, you cant polish a turd after all. When dressing up though it actually feels worthwhile putting all the effort in, even though deep down I know I still look like a man when I am dressed up.

My girlfriend decided to make herself scarce today after yesterdays 'incident', she left at about 9am this morning and hasnt been here all day. She said she just wanted to give me some space for me to do what I had to do today. I feel bad that she felt she had to do that and I told her she didnt need to go out, but she chose to anyway.

I really need to start properly planning my year this year. I need to start putting dates on things, when will I sort my eyebrows out (they really, really need doing), when will I start exercise, etc. Plus my plan of going to London at the start of this year really hasnt gone anywhere apart from remaining a pipe dream. I really need to start putting some firm plans in place for that too. Ive got the money, I just need to get out of this miserable funk and start to actually do things.

Wednesday, 16 January 2013

Wheres The Reset Button On This Thing?

The temptation to just write everything off and start again is so high at the moment. I could start off small, delete my Facebook account, stop returning calls and text messages, remove myself from TG social network sites and forums, and stop talking to people in work socially. Then I could take bigger steps, look for a new place to move to away from South Wales, end it with my partner, find a new job, and start again. That would be great, no-one to bother me and I could be just left alone to do what I want when I want to do it. A nice clean slate where no-one has any pre-conceptions of who I am.

The past few weeks or more I have just felt persistently low. Irritated. Miserable. Fed up. Ratty. Short tempered. Small lump in my throat like im feeling a bit emotional. I just dont feel like I can be bothered anymore to carry on like this, I cant even say why I feel the way I do!

Do I have a good reason for feeling this way? No. And the harsh thing is my partner is taking the full brunt of it too. We have been off work since we finished on Friday so there has been no escape for her. Nowhere for me to go and vent it or be distracted from it, nowhere for her to have space away from it. And it has also meant that she has also been the catalyst of me losing my temper too because she has been here all of the time. Today I lost it with her over a stupid thing, in my head all I could think was that she was being deliberately obstructive of a day I set aside to let Aimee out for the first time in a month. She wasnt. There were good reasons around what she did and easy ways around it too, but I couldnt get the idea out of my head and I couldnt let it go.

Its not fair on her. I overheard her the other day or week talking to who I think were her parents on the phone, and from what I heard it sounds like she is tip-toeing around me a lot of the time now, especially when she notices I am feeling this low. And since then ive noticed her do it too, for example she did all of the housework this week. Not once did she ask me to help even though ive been here and free.

Monday, 14 January 2013

Antisocial Life

Im finding myself becoming a more socially-reclusive person recently, and to be honest im quite happy with being this way too. Friends from my male side I am just not bothering with, friends from my female side im making no effort with, and my partner I am losing patience with. This is nothing to do with them, things theyve done or anything like that, its all me. My state of mind has slowly been declining to a point where I just feel frustrated and sad for probably about 50% of the time and without a real reason.

I really cant be bothered to make any effort anymore with anything. Socialising, going out, online shopping, gaming, or even making an effort with my appearance. My appearance as a male is scruffy at best, I havent shaved in weeks and my hair is long overdue a cut. The effort needed to transform myself at this point would be massive and faced with this means I actually havent dressed in weeks even though ive had opportunities to. I cant even use the fact im living a double life as an excuse for not seeing my male side friends because I havent dressed up in so long.

My partner I feel sorry for, she puts up with so much and I know she hopes there is light at the end of the tunnel and that I will get better, but I cant see it. I just cant be bothered with it all anymore. I just feel down all the time and uncomfortable with myself, to the point where im considering making a doctors appointment about it. Im not blaming my depression on gender concerns this time, but I did consider speaking to the doctor about it as well because I do believe it is a factor. My only worry is that my GP could be less than sympathetic if I did mention it to them. After seeing some of the horror stories coming out of the #TransDocFail Twitter campaign over the past few days maybe its more hassle than its worth. Would the religion of my GP be an issue? Would it be worth speaking to an Atheist one over a Christian or Muslim one? Could I even ask for this when making an appointment?

I dont know. Is this par for the course? Having to deal with feeling like this all the time because of my 'hobby'? I refuse to believe it. Ive tried all I can to accept it and to the best of my knowledge I do, but I still just continue to feel low all the time.

Wednesday, 9 January 2013

How Shall I Shape My 2013

To all that actually take the time to read this blog, and especially to those that even take the time to comment on the rubbish I come out with, I hope that you had an amazing new year and that 2013 is really good to you.

Its taken me a little while to make my first post of the year, partially because by the time I get home from work I just dont really have the time or energy to sit down and think about something coherent to type as the shifts are long and mentally draining. And also because I really wanted to take stock of my circumstances and think about what direction I want to take my journey in 2013.

I came up with a number of new years resolutions aimed at my TG side, some that are designed to help better my female image and lifestyle, and some that are things I want to achieve this year. These include:

  • Start and maintain an exercise regime to keep fit without adding bulk. I have been thinking jogging to tone and something like yoga to improve balance and flexibility.
  • Look at my diet and try to eat a little healthier.
  • Work on feminine mannerisms and movement.
  • Start and maintain a proper face routine. Regularly shave (I only usually shave when I need to), exfoliate and moisturise.
  • Get body waxed.
  • Get eyebrows tidied professionally and maintain.
  • Get a new wig.
  • Expand my social circle and meet people face to face more regularly.
  • Go to a spa day.
  • Get a manicure and possibly a pedicure.
  • Go on a long weekend away to spend totally as Aimee.
  • Go clubbing as Aimee, and by clubbing I mean to a 'straight' dance night, not a T or Gay venue.

As far as the things on there that require a routine, part of my problem is that I find it extremely difficult to keep up anything like this. I have tried to keep a good facial routine before but it lasted a few weeks before I started losing motivation to do it. Work really does not help, as the shifts are really long the urge to just have that extra 10 mins in bed in the morning is too tempting when I am so tired.

As far as the rest of the list goes im quickly finding the desire to dress lessening, or at least being overshadowed by the amount of work I realise it will have to take to become presentable, which in turn does make me feel a little low. Im off work today and I planned to have an Aimee day, but to be honest I just really dont have the drive or patience to push through this at the moment. In fact I dont really have any motivation to do anything, I was going to buy some music from a few websites and maybe take advantage of a few sales online but I just dont have the patience.

I have a week off next week, ive just got to get tomorrow and Friday out the way and then I will be off for 7 days or so. I think I will probably try staggering my transformation over a few days over this time period. If I can get the preperations out the way so on the day I actually dress up all ive got to do is quickly shave my face and then makeup, it might make things a lot more feasible mentally.