Saturday, 29 December 2012

The Partner Complication

Before I start this post I just want to say that I hope you all had a really nice Christmas this year and enjoyed yourself. Im not one for getting into the yuletide spirit to be honest but I got through it ok. I havent been able to dress up for weeks and it is unlikely I will be able to for some time yet, and this is irritating me a little now. Anyway, back to the post then.......

Something I have noticed recently is that I become hyper aware when my partner is subjected to Trans people through TV, on the street, through conversations and so on. I find it difficult to place the feeling, maybe a mixture of nervousness, shame, and paranoia I suppose.

For example we were at my partners parents over Christmas and we were watching Men In Black 3, and there is a scene where they are at an Andy Warhol party. During this scene there is a tiny section where they showed a Transvestite or Drag Queen on there and I couldnt help but suddenly feel on edge. I couldnt help but think about what she might think when she sees people like that, and then project that onto myself. To be honest I totally dread thinking about what goes through her mind when she sees me dressed, or thinks about it. I care greatly how she feels and want her to be happy and happy to be with me, but I cant help but think that I disappoint her in some way, or something. I might be totally off the mark but I doubt I will ever truly know.

On top of this I also get the feeling my wave is crashing again, ive started to feel a bit down about all this. Over the past few days ive just been finding myself sitting up late at night just mulling things over in my head. Im doing it now, im physically exhausted and my eyes are heavy but I dont feel like going to sleep. This has meant when ive had to get up for work in the morning on less than 5 hours sleep that ive been shattered throughout the day.

Monday, 10 December 2012

The Absurdity Of It All

Ive been able to take a step back and look at things a lot more logically over the past week or so without getting all down about it all, and I have come to a couple of realisations. First off the thoughts and feelings ive had towards exploring my feminine side has changed since coming out to my partner, I think the change in circumstances has forced a new perspective on them. Before coming out the focus was on the secret itself, keeping it away from everyone especially my partner. This meant that the short times I got to be Aimee had a bit of a thrill attached I suppose and keeping the secret seemed to be the dominating thoughts around my depression. Since coming out the lifestyle aspects of it have come into focus and become a much bigger part of it. Now the secrets are no longer there and ive got a massive amount of freedom, figuring out who I am, where I am going and how to achieve it is the biggest thing on my mind. Sometimes this leads to nice experiences, other times it makes me feel depressed about where I am. It seems to come in waves and I gradually move from state to state, at its highest I just get on with things and can step back and look at things from an outside perspective like I am now, and at its lowest I get all confused about who I am and what I want, and I start to feel lost and depressed. Its bizarre because when I have this perspective and I look back at what I was thinking during the low moments I feel a little silly, but at the time its seems so real.

Ive also thought about the point of all this dressing up malarkey and have been thinking how absolutely absurd it is, and it amuses and confuses me. Considering I know that transition is not the path for me, what is the point? What is it that drives me to want to buy ladies clothes, put on some fake boobs and a wig, dress and make myself up and then get on with my day? If I could turn around and say 'this' is why I did it then brilliant, but it just makes no sense to me at all! Looking at it objectively just highlights the ridiculousness of it all. How can I expect people to accept me as Aimee when I am this pretend woman, a man trying but ultimately failing to look and act female, and also without a justifiable reason! Im not a woman trapped in a mans body, im just weird!

This realisation meant that when I finally managed to get dressed up last week for the first time in ages, and then my partner came home it made me feel a little uncomfortable around her. In actual fact, I felt stupid around her. I couldnt care less what anyone else would think but I do care about my partner and how she sees me. Im not sure how to deal with this at this point.

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

The Next Step

Ive lost all motivation today to do anything. I went to see my counsellor in the morning to discuss how ive been, I dont usually post about these sessions but I feel its fairly significant that we agreed that it might be worth stopping them for a while. The reason being is that we have pretty much covered all that we can on the subject for now, shes given me a CBT technique to try and help with the obsessive thoughts in an effort to learn to accept them and weve now got to wait until the next step. Obviously if I feel the need to see her in the mean time then I can do, and to be honest I probably will do too.

Basically the next step in my plan is to go away for a long weekend (i.e. 3 nights) away to somewhere, probably London. The plan is to spend 2 whole days or more if I can and the nights around and during as Aimee because as much as I get plenty of space here to do it, I feel ive got to put up a facade for my partner at home and dont really feel comfortable 'letting go' in front of other people ive met. I just want a weekend away alone, or to meet some people there who will only see and know me as Aimee. The plan I have in my head at the moment is to get a nice new and convincing wig, a full body wax beforehand, get a close wetshave at a barbers on the day so it is as close as possible, have all my outfits prepared beforehand, and then just go and do the tourist/shopping thing for the weekend. Hopefully being able to immerse myself without any distractions or pretense will give me a better idea of what I want in the long term. I want to stay with my partner more than anything, but for sanitys sake I need to have a clearer idea of what I am so I know what I need to do.

So anyway back to today. After I got back from the session the plan was to spend the day dressed. Once again my chest and arms has come out in spots from the last time I shaved so it meant I couldnt shave them again, and had to dress accordingly. I spent ages going through my wardrobe trying to find some clothes to wear that would hide them. After finally settling on the same dress I wore last time, I sat down to do my makeup by which point it was fairly late in the afternoon (not long before typing this). After cleansing, moisturising and putting on my colour corrector it had gone dark because of the clouds. I ended up looking at myself in the mirror and just giving up.

I cant decide why I gave up to be honest, its the same uphill struggle as every other time I dress. It partly feels like a waste, a pointless exercise doing it at home alone. The fact I had to spend ages trying to cover my flaws on my body didnt help. Its also disheartening having to look at myself in the mirror, I wont go into detail as ive covered this quite a lot previously. Today it just feels like there is just no purpose in doing it, as much as I really want to.

The thought occured to me for a brief moment the other day of just cutting all ties and moving away. Ive done it before when I moved here nearly a decade ago and it was very useful doing so. Now im older and wiser (debatable I know) there will be advantages to doing this.

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Giving Up On A Dream

Ok, so I can think about this in a 'blue sky' manner all that I want but realistically that isnt the path I am going to be going down. As much as I would like to live my life in a particular manner, I love my partner to bits and do not want to lose her, so ive been thinking hard about this over the past 24 hours and realised ive just got to accept my current state of affairs and move on as I am now.

All those thoughts and feelings I get arent going to go away, I just need to accept them as a fact of life and carry on as I have been while trying to not let them get to me. Im grateful that my partner has accepted Aimee and is giving me the space to explore this side of me, it is far more than most people have and I cant thank her enough.

Ive still got boundaries I want to push and things I want to do, and I still intend to do them. But I need to get over myself and just accept that in order to have what I want in life, im going to have to have a foot in both worlds, which means im not going to get my way all of the time and im going to have to learn to balance them both. This isnt going to be easy as this is pretty much how ive been living for a while now, but I need to get used to the fact that im going to get these thoughts and im just going to have to ignore them.

As much as it feels like im giving up on a dream, I should be thankful that I at least get to express this side of me when I need to.

Friday, 23 November 2012

Lets Try That Again

Im going to have to rename this blog 'Aimee's Moaning Corner' or something after today I think. Ok, now ive calmed down a little im going to have another crack at what I was trying to do the other day. Im going to try it differently, without asking questions. Just a stream of thought. And to be honest im probably going to be going over similar things that I have in previous posts as well but I need to try and do this from start to finish. Ok, so....

Ive wanted to be a woman for almost as long as I can remember. Early teens? Its certainly something I wanted more than anything especially early on, and recently this feeling has started to come back again albeit not as strong. Is it just a fantasy though? Most likely I fear. And this makes me feel sad, its like giving up on a dream and having to make do with something less.

I feel fine as a guy a lot of the time, its those idle moments where im not busy that it hits me the hardest. To be honest I could probably go on quite happily for the rest of my life living as a man, but there will always be this nagging feeling of another life I could be living. One where I could be happier with myself.

I would love to be able to accept this fact and for a while now I have been trying so hard, but it has on occasion made me feel depressed and snappy. My partner made a mention again today about it, saying its horrible to come home to after a hard day at work, and I sympathise with her. I feel sorry for her having to put up with my low moods like this but I cant help it. If I wasnt with her I would probably be doing more drastic things about now, but I dont know if I need to in order to get through life.

I suppose I am trying to find out where I fit into the grand scheme of things. As much as I dont like labels and pidgeon-holing, I need to be able to say to myself that 'this' is what I am so I can move foward, but I dont know what 'this' is. I can see myself dancing around this question to the end of time. As much as I want to say, im a Transvestite, I hate that term and dont feel it goes far enough to describe the emotions and thoughts that I go through sometimes. And as much as ive read up about Gender Identity Disorder, I just dont understand enough about it to say if it applies.

In an ideal world without my partner being taken into consideration, I would probably be living my life outside of work as Aimee. I would probably be out to friends and family about now and maybe even taking steps to fit in as Aimee more. But then I would have had years of experience by now too. As it is, this is still new to me. And as much as it is giving me a hard time, I think I need time to actually explore it properly. A few private meets and one night out isnt really enough for me to go on.

I need to accept though that as long as I am with my partner, this is pretty much as far as I am going to get. And all those thoughts are just going to keep happening and im just going to have deal with them. Am I happy with my partner? Absolutely, I love her to bits! Am I happy to just keep going as I am as far as Aimee is concerned? I hope so.

Thursday, 22 November 2012

Where To Go From Here Part 2

This is a direct continuation from this post. If you havent done so please read it first.

What do I want to be happy?

In an ideal world I would love to be a woman but I dont think its a need or that I need to transition because I dont feel 'wrong' as a man either, I just dont like being a man. I want to be more confident in myself, I want to properly embrace my female side, I want to be more convincing, and I want to do it more. I want to be able to be happy with who I am. I feel like im missing out on something important but I just dont know if it is important enough because I cant see it, I cant label it and I cant quantify it. Ive got enough regrets in my life right now, so many 'I wished I did this' moments, I dont want this to be one too.

What steps can I take next?

I need more time to figure this out I think. A proper weekend or more away from people I know so I can just try it out properly. Just being able to do it for a few hours or so at a time just isnt enough time for me to properly figure things out, and with my partner around I just dont feel like im able to let go.


You know what? Scratch all of the above. I dont know what I want anymore. I thought coming out to my partner would be enough for me but clearly it is not, and im getting pissed off with digging myself into a mental hole regularly. Once again im sat here in front of the laptop at home while my partner is in work, trying to self analyze myself to the point where I am tired of doing it now because every time I do I get frustrated and depressed, like I am now. Am I in denial over the whole thing? I re-read the last few things ive posted trying to make sense of it all and it isnt helping, it makes as much sense reading it back as it does in my head, none.

Do I want to transition? No. Do I want to be a woman? Yes. Make your fucking mind up! But then I cant, im one of the most indecisive people you will ever meet. I just go with the flow of any situation I am put in, why should this be any different. Make a decision? Think for myself? Yeah right.

Ive had advice from people who can sit in the middle about finding my 't-life balance', which to be honest is probably easier said than done. I thought I had found it but the thoughts just wouldnt leave me alone and after a while I was down again. I dont want to accept that ive got to be depressed with myself for 50% of my life just because ive got this identity problem, why should I live like that!

Once again I had a chance to dress up today but ive got so little motivation I couldnt be bothered too, im meant to be meeting my partner in town today to do some Christmas shopping and im not going to that either (although to be fair the heavy rain isnt helping either!)

I dont know what I want out of this anymore.

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Where To Go From Here

Well its been over a week since my last blog entry, ive had a lot going on in and out of work which has kept me busy and my mind off things when it comes to Aimee. I thought it was about time I tried to dig deep and truly find out what it is I want out of this. I spend all my time moaning on here but never coming up with anything proactive to decide where I need to go. I think im relying on my counsellor too much to give me answers when I know that isnt what she is there for, I need to try and figure this out myself.

Im going to try and answer these questions without taking my partner into consideration unless applicable.

Where am I now?

Im currently a part time TV who has come out to my partner who has been generally accepting of it. Im not happy with my body as 20 years of Testosterone has done its work moving me away from being 'passable'. I obsess over this side of me the majority of the time whether its me trying to analyze myself, or comparing myself against women, and I especially do this when my brain is idle. A lot of the time these thoughts can make me feel sad as they tend to be of the 'what if' variety.

I get to dress once a week or so and its nice being able to do so. However I think I am putting on a 'front' as my partner is usually there.

Am I happy where I am?

On the one hand I am yes, im luckier than most in that I have a loving partner who has accepted this side of me. There are certain aspects of my figure that lend well to dressing and I am grateful for them. On the other hand the frustration of not being able to go further than I am can really get me down because facing myself sometimes makes me realise how masculine my features are, which in turn makes it more difficult to look feminine.

Where do I want to go?

I really dont know. Do I want to become a woman? Its something ive dreamed of since I was an early teen, maybe even sooner. All my life ive longed to be like the women I see around me. If I could take a pill and wake up tomorrow as a member of the fairer sex I wouldnt hesitate to pop it. Realistically, the steps required to change gender are not something to be taken lightly and I just dont think it is the right path for me as I am comfortable as a man most of the time. But telling myself this feels like im giving up on a dream and makes me feel really sad, even typing this right now is putting a lump in my throat. So bearing this in mind what else can I do?

What can I do realistically?

The only other thing I can do is to undergo cosmetic procedures to make myself look as close as possible. Hair regrowth, laser facial/body hair, facial surgery, etc. But then if I want to go that far, why not go for hormones too. It seems pointless to take steps like that to just be an imitation. But then thats it. Even if I took hormones, inside I would probably still feel like an imitation. Probably.

Would I be happy if I continued as I am?

I dont think so. But I think what I want in order to be happy is unattainable, and im having difficulty picturing an acceptable middle ground. Could I get by as I am, probably. But I dont want regrets hanging over my head for the rest of my life, ive got enough of them already.

What do I want to be happy?

I want to be a woman. But I dont think its realistic for me to chase this dream.  

Ive ran out of steam with this post. Ive been getting depressed typing it so im going to stop for now.

Saturday, 10 November 2012

Complimenting Bob

Last night I went to a friends engagement party in Bob mode with my partner. When it comes to Bob my usual dress style is very simple: baggy combats, tshirt, and chunky trainers. I do not deviate from this at all and wear it even to parties, bars and clubs. Now I do have one smart casual outfit of jeans, jumper and shoes and this comes out on the very rare occasions where combats just wont do, and last night was one of those occasions. I dont particularly like the outfit but it fulfills a need.

The reason im posting about this is because I got a few compliments last night about my outfit, and i felt a little uncomfortable receiving them. First off was from my partner while we were still at home and she said that I 'looked really nice' and 'sexy' and so on, and then later on in the night I also got a compliment from a friend who ive known for years because she has never seen me in anything but combats before.

Its difficult to describe how I felt and I cant really remember my thinking because, well, I did get a little drunk. But what I do remember is that I just didnt like hearing it to be honest. Thinking back to other times in the past where my partner has complimented Bob on my appearance its never made me feel good or even proud. Its just highlighted the masculine features of my body and reminded me of what I dont have. Even when im dressed nicely as Bob I just dont take pride in myself.

I dont know. When it comes to this sometimes im feeling like im making a mountain out of a mole-hill. Could I be over-analyzing every little thing looking for connections and meaning about why I need to express my female side? Its all I keep thinking about whenever by brain is idle.

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Finally Able To Dress Up Today

I love my new dress!
Ive finally managed to get some time today to dress up and try my new clothes out. Ive been dying to try my new dress, grey opaques and boots on since I bought them last week but just havent had a chance. I also tried some new shaving techniques, new makeup techniques, and also trying something different with the colour corrector and my new MAC gel foundation which I picked up today. I even went so far as to shave my arms and legs too!

The lighting isnt great in here but I think my makeup looks fairly ok, its definitely better than I could manage before though. The blush I use is still too bright and obvious, I need to get a more muted colour I think. I also need to look more into what colours to use for my eyes, lips and so on to make sure it all works properly. I could ask my partner but she admits she is useless with makeup so its probably best to look into it myself.

I still need to work on my eyebrows although im not sure what approach to take. If I go and pay a pro to do it the change might be too sudden and people may notice. On the other hand if I dare to do it myself I may just mess them up. Decisions decisions.....

I made a mental note of what I was thinking while dressing up today because a few times recently ive gone to get dressed up but after getting my clothes on and looking in the mirror I would realise the uphill struggle it would take to get there and then get depressed, take my clothes off and then sulk.

So I was happy with my shaving job in the bathroom mirror, put my clothes on, sat down to do my makeup and then I was faced with myself again. The makeup mirror seems to pick up all the flaws my bathroom mirror does not. Every single missed hair, or patches of hair that arent quite cut to the skin, every single spot, blemish and vein. It made me feel dissapointed. Dissapointed that this is me, dissapointed that this is what I have to fight against every time I do this, and dissapointed because I realise that as time goes on it is only going to get worse.

So I fought through it, spent ages on my makeup and apart from a few errors I thought it looked ok if a little caked on. My partner said I looked really nice but im still not sure if she is actually being genuine or is just encouraging me. I hadnt actually given any thought to how I felt seeing the finished article which I guess is a good sign but as the night went on I started feeling a little down.

I asked my partner to take some photos of me because she did offer a little while ago. Im not really a natural model and she isnt the best photographer (shes rubbish and admits it!) so out of a whole batch of photos there is only a handful of useable ones. Thing is, I scratched off the majority of them because I just didnt like how I looked. My male self was too prominent or obvious in them, mainly in the face and that bugged me. I keep thinking about my body image and comparing it against the female ideal and I lose out every time. I dont want a masculine body or face for that matter. So after the photos my mood at dropped obviously and my partner was asking if I was ok again.

I dont have the time tonight but at some point I want to make a post about what im not happy about, what is fixed and what is changeable, what I can do to change it, and so on.

Monday, 5 November 2012

No End Game

On one of the TG forums I frequent someone has posted a really heartwarming story of her coming out very recently. She only registered on the forum a month ago and in this time she gone from being 'shy and fearful of the future', and has built up the confidence to tell her GP last week and also tell her family. I think this is amazing and I really wish her all the best.

While it is an amazing story and im really happy for her it also makes me feel a little sad. Everytime I see a picture of someone who has transitioned and they are smiling and happy im really happy for them but it breaks my heart a little too. I cant picture myself ever reaching a place where I truly accept and am happy with who I am. Ive never felt trapped in the wrong body, never felt uncomfortable in my own skin, but ive never really been happy with myself either. I just feel like im in no-mans land with no acceptable end result. This does not mean that transition is the right answer for me, there is a complicated cocktail of insecurities and esteem issues that is going on in my head right now and I am conscious of ensuring that I seperate these from my gender issues before starting to consider the right path to go down.

It makes me feel sad reading stories like this because they have something to aim for, and an end game in sight. I dont have that. Yes transition can be difficult and can cost friends and family but there will be a stage where the struggle will be over and they can get on with their lives. I have a lifetime of secrets, emotional torment, and guilt. Guilt caused by this side of me, but also guilt from putting my partner through it too. Ive got to juggle 2 lives and try to find balance for them both, all the while trying to ensure the people in my Bob life doesnt find out for fear of where that could lead.

Thursday, 1 November 2012

Too Much Effort

To try and help me get through my low moments last week, since I got paid I decided a little retail therapy was in order. I dragged my partner into town and bought myself some clothes, boots and a few necessities. And since it has been the first time in a while ive actually had money I also treated my partner to a few things and dinner in a nice restaurant too. Surprisingly (well, no not really), picking up a few new bits for Aimee seemed to work, ive been feeling a lot more upbeat until today.

Because of the work situation, ive been finding it difficult to give Aimee some time. I decided that today I was going to get dressed up in my new stuff straight after work so I have at least a few hours Aimee time before the weekend, and when I got home I fully intended to do this. So I got home, had a shave, looked at myself in the mirror and then my attitude changed. I kind of realised the uphill struggle I would face in order to get ready and decided it wasnt worth it, my face is spotty from the beard growth, my chest hair has gone out of control again, my eyebrows are messy, and I realised it would take far too long to make an acceptable effort so this put me on a downer again tonight. I tried on my new clothes anyway to check they fit ok but only briefly.

Physical Emotions

Ive been meaning to post something for a while now but just havent had time to sit down and do it. My partner knows I have a blog and why it is here, but I do not want her to see it so I have to post when she is not around. Since ive been back in work ive been working the same times as my partner so I have had no real alone time to dedicate to writing.

Over the past few months ive been feeling something new and im not sure what it is. Whenever ive seen other girls around and about ive always seen them with a mix of admiration, jealousy and envy and it has been this way for as long as I can remember with varying degrees of intensity. Now however something else is in the mix and im not sure how to process it. Im actually feeling physically sad. You know, slight lump in the throat, fluttery chest kind of sadness. At least, thats what I think it is. My thought process has also gone from just wishing I had what they had, through to that combined with really hating the fact that I dont have what they have, look how they look, are treated how they are treated.

I get this all of the bloody time and it isnt helped by the fact ive gone from being sat at home most of the time to working with hundreds of people in a city centre call centre again. Im surrounded by people all the time and I cant help but people watch on the way into work or from my desk or something, so this means I just spend a lot of my time out and about feeling pretty poor about myself. I compare myself against them, and dont like how I come out of that comparison.

Monday, 22 October 2012

Finding My Aimee/Bob Life Balance

Ive been feeling pretty down for the past few days now, I really didnt feel like going into work today so took the day off sick (im only in training and ive been through it already, im not missing anything). Its been so noticeable my partner has been worried today, thinking there is another revelation or something on the way. For example she asked "are you bi?" to which I replied "no", but I could not tell her the real reason why ive been feeling this way, because it would make her worry for our future together.

Ive been trying to picture and plan where and how far I want to go with this side of me, and how feasible this is with where my life is at the moment, and to be honest some of it just isnt feasible at all. If I did decide I wanted to take things forward then that would probably mean the end of my relationship with my partner and this is not something I want to do. So basically I am damned if I do, damned if I dont. Ive been trying to figure out for days which is more important and I really dont know. Do I compromise and probably regret not taking this as far as I want to, or do I split up with an amazing person to give myself the space to do this as much as I want to.

Is it worth trading it all in for a potential lifetime of loneliness? Ive read so many stories of straight T-Girls who have been single for many many years because girls just dont like it, and I know ive been lucky with how accepting my partner has been and I really dont want to lose her. We have found an Aimee/Bob life balance which my partner is happy with at the moment, but I just dont know if it is enough for me.

Obsessing Over The Future

Ive begun to realise that I am becoming more and more obsessed with this side of me. From the moment I wake to when I go to bed, whether I am at home, in work, out and about, watching tv, in a bar, or even on the loo, whenever I have 2 seconds spare you can be sure I will be either on my phone checking in on the sites I am registered on, or analyzing myself trying to figure out where this is leading. If my mind is kept occupied its fine but as soon as it isnt it starts wandering.

Today ive actually been feeling a little low as a result of my analyzing thoughts. Based on the current boundaries my partner currently has with this side of me ive been trying to figure out what it is I want to do to get Aimee out there, potential challenges to achieving them and if I will be able to do them within these restraints. Some of the main TG specific things include:
  • Take hair regrowth medicine (Finastride) and grow my hair - Need to get prescription plus can be expensive, partner does not like men with long hair
  • Get manicure/pedicure and keep nails tidy with clear nail polish - Partner does not like the idea of me wearing nail polish on my finger nails day to day
  • Permanent hair removal treatment on face mainly and possibly body - Very expensive, partner does not like this idea of me having a 'baby face'
  • Change diet and do exercises specifically to improve feminine figure and movement (jogging and maybe something like Pilates) - Not discussed with partner at this point
Things like this are playing around my head over and over again and it frustrates me knowing that while I am with my partner im never going to fully realise the potential for this side of me. I know relationships are built on compromises and I really appreciate how much she has accepted so far, but I dont think that where I am now is enough anymore. I think im in a position where ive realised I do start want to taking this beyond my partners comfort zone, but im aware that if I do it will be the beginning of the end of our relationship, and this isnt something I want either.

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Back At Work

Ive been meaning to make some more posts on this over the past week or so but ive been really busy trying to get my head back into work mode. Ive been back in work for the past few weeks now, although I am on reduced hours for the time being. Its been an interesting experience so far, it certainly looks calmer but then the busiest time of year is yet to come. My main difficulty at the moment is after being my own person for the past 5 months the days really drag out but its a means to an end. I need the money now, so will have to stick it out for the time being.

Being back in work has meant ive started people watching again, specifically watching the ladies of which there are many. Now this isnt in a pervy lecherous way (although im sure to the outside bystander it could probably look like that), its in an appreciative manner but coming from a man its not going to be seen like that. I cant help myself, I wonder where they got their tops from or admire their fashion sense, or sometimes I put myself in their shoes and wonder what it is like to be them, and then the envy/jealousy hits. It sounds pretty sad I suppose but I cant help it. Its not as bad as it was before I went on sick but I can imagine its going to build back up pretty quick.

Another thing is im struggling at the moment with making myself look satisfactory. I know im never going to pass and ive accepted that, but there are certain decidedly masculine traits that I suffer with more than some that is really beginning to get to me. The main ones are my body hair that even when shaved is still visible, my skin texture and my beard shadow still causes me problems. The problem this is causing me is that it doesnt feel right dressing part way, its all or nothing. And after all the effort I go to to try and make this work, it still doesnt. Its disheartening and on a few occasions now has made me feel like not bothering at all. The problem this leaves me with is that the urge is still strong to do it, and I know im never going to be happy with the result. If I dont dress I get frustrated, if I do, I get frustrated. I cant win!!!

On a side note, one of the girls who used to be on my team has got the most amazing dress and has worn it a few times now since ive been back. I really really want to ask her where she got it, but obviously cant!

Saturday, 29 September 2012

Cause or Effect

Something ive been pondering recently is whether the urges and thoughts I have are a cause or effect of the depression I feel. If the depression is a cause of my need to dress up, then its most likely that this is my way of blowing off steam or having a bit of escapism from my day to day life. If the depression is an effect of me not being able to express myself, then my gender issues may run deeper than I thought. Of course im no therapist and I might still have gender issues either way anyway, but it makes sense to me.

I think this is something I need to think about and write down next time I feel down, exactly what was I thinking beforehand or earlier that day. Thinking back though ive got a feeling that the depression may be an effect. My thought process is usually 'Got some free time on this date' > 'I can spend this time expressing Aimee' > 'Look forward to it' > 'This doesnt happen for one reason or another' > 'Disproportionate depression or anger'. I cant think of a time where its a reaction to something bad happening in my life.

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Another Day Another Downer

So after my post on Sunday I decided to set aside Monday to get dressed up for the first time since my night out, and try and relax before my second shift back in work.

I felt so much better when I woke up on Monday. I showered, shaved, dressed and put some makeup on and just went about my day happily, seemingly forgetting my state of mind the day before. I really wanted to wear a top my partner got me when I came out to her because I hadnt had a chance to wear it yet, so dressed very casual. When my partner came home we chatted and watched a film together and I stayed dressed up all the way through till bed time.

I went to work yesterday and apart from a few nerves at the beginning I got through it fine. Got through the day no problems, no depression, and actually left work feeling pretty good. Today is a day off for me and once again I find myself in a bad mood. Ive been trying to think about what is causing my current state of mind and im not too sure.

When I got up this morning my first thoughts were to dress up again today, but im conscious of the fact that while my partner has accepted my dressing I dont want to be doing it all the time to the point where it starts to threaten her. So I decided against it. I know I need to epilate my legs again and I know ive got loads of ingrowing hairs I need to sort out, yesterday I was thinking about doing it today but all ive been thinking is whats the point?

My partner has seemed to link up my depression and dressing, when I have been down occasionally she always asks is it because I need to dress up and I always reply no. But is it? As far as today is concerned, am I annoyed because I cant dress due to some self imposed rule? I will admit there is an urge to dress up but surely my conscious decision should override this, its not like im being unreasonable.

Sunday, 23 September 2012

And I Was Doing So Well

Ive been hitting a low moment again. Over the past few days my mood has been dipping and today ive just been really down. Ive been trying to take stock of the things ive done so far and what they mean, and even what is the point.  Over the past few months ive accepted it, ive come out to my partner who has also accepted it, ive made friends who ive been on a night out with and enjoyed it, and realised I want to do it more. All good then? Not really, no.

I hate my body, it does not lend well to dressing. While im fairly short and small enough to fit into normal womens clothes and shoes, ive got excessive hair that grows all over the place and the hair is so thick and dark even shaved you can still see it. Especially on the chest and face. Ive got fat thighs which considering ive got no fat means ive got no way of slimming them down. The preperation required to get ready for last weekend showed me what a chore it was to make myself look even presentable, the journey from scruffy male to presentable female is long, arduous, and also painful.

Ive been getting envious and jealous of other girls again. Just walking around the streets I see plenty of women walking past and I wish I looked like them. Even the 'plain Janes', ive just been watching them, the way they act, interact, and how others interact with them. And of course, admiring the clothes too. I swear, ive got boob envy.

Could it be down to not having something to look forward to? The big event last weekend is long gone, and there is nothing planned for the time being. There is talk of this and that but nothing concrete to actually look forward to. My new found confidence might also be slipping away. Ive been trying to picture myself dressed up while walking through town, and imagining how easy I would be to spot and potential reactions, and the more I think about it the less confident I become.

Maybe its the realisation that this is my life now, ive achieved what I wanted to when I set out last year and maybe im not happy with the result. I spend an unhealthy amount of my time spent in front of my computer or on my phone, checking in on the various contact sites and forums I am a part of, waiting and hoping for contact from someone. Maybe im also unhappy with the probability im just a wannabe woman, some poor imitation who when I eventually get out there will be mocked and ridiculed by a society that doesnt understand it. Hell, I dont even understand it. I wish I could sit down and say 'this is why', but I cant. I cant even say 'this is what I want', because I dont know what I want. How can I explain it to people when I havent got a clue myself?

I might be getting mixed up because of work, but im not sure. I started the process to go back to work last week after being on sick for nearly 5 months. Officially ive been off with work related stress, and while work was the catalyst for me snapping I think the depression caused by my gender issues was probably a major part of the build up too. Of course, I didnt tell work that. Its a horrible, high pressure place to be and while a lot seems to have changed im not going to know until I hit the floor again. On the plus side they do pay well so im going to have to stick it out for a while just for the money.

I dont know how to describe how im feeling right now. Like a freak? A fake? A pervert? Guilty? Shameful? Certainly depressed.

Sunday, 16 September 2012

My First Girls Night Out

This weekend I went on a girls night out to a popular Trans venue for my first public outing as Aimee with a few people I have met face to face before, and a few I havent. It was an interesting experience, and one which pretty much lived up to my expectations.

At the hotel beforehand, after I got changed and was ready I went downstairs to see some of our group that was staying in another room. It was my first time leaving a private space dressed and I didnt bump into anyone on the way there. On the way back to my room moments later I heard someone walking behind me, as I walked through a door I held it open and looked behind me as I did so. The man gave me quite a funny look but I just said 'here you go mate' in my normal male voice and then kept walking trying to suppress the smirk on my face. I realised that not only did I not care what he thought, but I actually found it quite amusing that I got that kind of reaction out of him.

The club was actually a really nice venue with very friendly staff although I didnt care for the music. If it was a straight venue and I wasnt Trans, I wouldnt go out to this kind of club at all. It was also a bit weird being in a club with a large number of Transgender girls of all different types, and this took a while to get used to (hypocritical I know!). As I thought I didnt make any new friends while I was there, typically people dont go to clubs to make friends, they go to socialise with existing ones.

The following day we went to a day event the same venue was also holding. I checked out of the hotel dressed up and the staff were brilliant, taking it in their stride. While we were packing stuff into the car there was a guy having a cigarette eyeing us up with a bit of a dirty look and again it didnt bother me at all. The day event was pretty boring so we only stuck around for a bit before getting changed and heading back.

Something I did find weird is I think my mind does seem to rebel occasionally from doing typically feminine things when dressed. I wanted to check my face to see if my wig still looked ok but it took me ages to convince myself it was ok to get my mirror out of my bag to check, and when I did I felt very self conscious at what I was doing. The same happened when I wanted to top up my lipgloss. It was very irrational. I also need to think about my mannerisms and how far I want to take them. I said to the group throughout the weekend that as I would have no chance of passing, I dont see the point of working on my voice because people would be able to suss me out before I even open my mouth. And as far as the mannerisms goes apart from the basics like walking in heels, I would probably not work on them either as I am just me when dressed. However one of our group who I had not met beforehand looked very convincing when dressed up and also moved very femininely, seeing this got me thinking. As we were driving back I came to the realisation that the movement does seem like an important part of it and I should make more of an effort to try and move a bit more femininely, but I will still leave my voice as it sounds.

The whole time I was out as Aimee I wasnt nervous at all about going out dressed up. I just took it all in my stride like it was the most normal thing in the world. I have realised I think I have a 'dont give a f**k' attitude about how other people see me when dressed, and I think this is a good attitude to have. The true test will be about being in a busier more public setting, and this is something I want to aim for soon. As it is though, I have been out of work for nearly 5 months now and dont have the money to do anything else dressed for the time being so I think it will be a while before my next trip away.

When I got back me and my partner had a really good chat about the my weekend out and the whole Trans thing and where I want to take it next. Out of respect to her I wont be going out anywhere local to us. If I was single I couldnt care less if people found out about this, I actually want to tell people. What I dont want though is the fallout of people finding out about it affecting her. It would be unfair to subject her to the possibility that people would probably be talking about her behind her back or cause problems for her on the basis of my lifestyle choices which I basically forced on her 9 years into our relationship.

Monday, 10 September 2012

Preparing For My First Night Out

Im meant to be going out on Friday for the first time dressed up and to be honest the lead up to it is frustrating me massively! Ive got some outfits together but the heels I bought are too loose, and im struggling with the makeup. Really struggling!

Ive just been to MAC and bought some concealer, foundation powder, and red lipstick for colour correction of my beard shadow on their recommendation, and I cant get it to work! I start by using a primer, then red lipstick over the beard, and then I have to use 3 layers of concealer over the beard and foundation over my whole face for it to look like it covers. The only problem is the texture doesnt look right, it looks 'bumpy' and caked on. Then dont get me started on the eye shadow! I cant get it looking right at all, I just look like ive been punched in the face.

Ive only got a few days to go and all this preperation is not only expensive but its stressing me out too!

Sunday, 9 September 2012

Are You Confused About Your Gender Identity?

If youve come across this blog while looking for answers about your own gender identity, this post is just some advice I want to give to you based on my own experiences.

Being Trans* whether that is as a Crossdresser, Transvestite, Transgender, Transexual, Genderqueer, something else or something in between, or even if your not sure where you fit on the gender spectrum, is not a choice that we have. There is something hardwired inside your brain that means you have a need to express a feminine part of your personality to some degree, and how much will depend on your individual circumstances. Trying to deny or suppress your feelings is not healthy and will only lead to more intense issues further down the line. I spent many years trying to deny this side of me and slowly it started becoming a massive regret which I was obsessing over. This contributed to my depression, and to a point, it still does a little now. You need to learn to accept it and figure out how far you need to go to be happy, and you will not be able to figure it out without pushing some boundaries. There will be some challenges along the way, and you might surprise yourself when you figure out what this means to you, but the journey will be worth it.

You dont want to be in a position where you regret this years down the line, we are only here once and we are all different. Experiment now, get out there and try it out while you can look good doing it. You dont want to be 60 years old looking in a mirror wearing a dress far too short and revealing, wishing you had tried this out sooner. Im only tackling this at 30 years of age and im really regretting not doing it earlier in my life when I would have looked far better (and maybe dare I say it, convincing) and been able to enjoy it more. I often think about where my life would be now if I had accepted this many years ago, I think I would be a lot happier with myself now, thats for sure. As it is though, im now very happy with having this other side to me in my life. I love dressing up, I love how makeup changes the way my face looks, I feel so much happier with myself when I can have my feminine moments, and I would not change it for the world.

Take the time to explore it, maybe even get in touch with other people about it. Make use of the internet and the various Trans* contact sites and support forums that are out there, get chatting to people, arrange to meet them or go on a night out with them, or find out where your local support groups are and make a trip to one. If you are really worried or confused then go and see a counsellor/therapist. People do need help from time to time and there is no stigma attached for trying to sort yourself out. If you decide to go and see one make sure they deal with Transgender issues as someone who is not trained in the specifics of this will not be able to help you.

Theres nothing wrong about expressing your female side, and talking to other people in the same situation as yourself will help you realise this, and maybe even help you realise how far you need to go. If you can meet someone face to face that would be best but even chatting online can help. If you are really unsure, you can even comment on this post if you like and I will reply to you.

Take care,

Aimee x


p.s. I rewrote this post on 22/02/13 because I felt that I needed to go into a little bit more detail. I have decided to keep the original post and here it is below:

Being Trans wherever you are on the spectrum is something that will never go away, it is as much a part of you as your legs are. You can try to deny it, ignore it or throw all your clothes away and try to live a normal life, but eventually it will come back and bite you, and it will bite you hard. From my own personal experience, denying it will lead to depression and also regret. You need to accept it and figure out how far you need to go to be happy, and you will not be able to figure it out without pushing some boundaries. There will be some challenges along the way, and you might surprise yourself with what it means to you when you figure it out, but the journey will be worth it.

Experiment now, get out there and try it out while you can look good doing it. You dont want to be 60 years old looking in a mirror wearing a dress far too short and revealing, wishing you had tried this out sooner. Im only tackling this at 30 years of age and im really regretting not doing it earlier in my life. Make use of the internet and the various Trans contact sites that are out there, get chatting to people, arrange to meet them or go on a night out with them, or find out where your local support groups are and make a trip to one. You dont even have to do these dressed up, but its nice to have someone to talk to who understands what you are going through.

If you think this is something more serious or you are particularly unsure or confused, there is no shame in going to see a therapist if you need to. People do need help from time to time and there is no stigma attached for trying to sort yourself out. If you decide to go and see one make sure they deal with Transgender issues as someone who is not trained in the specifics of this will not be able to help you.

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Ticking Things Off The Tranny To-Do List!

Well in a few weeks time I will be venturing out to a well known Trans night dressed for the occasion, and will also hopefully be spending a bit of time the next day out and about dressed up to. I will be going with two other Transgirls I know who are both married with partners that know, and also live around where I live, and also two others that I have chatted to online that we are meeting there. The hotel is booked so I am committed now..... eek!

Im really really looking forward to it but also equally nervous too. Ive actually not been able to sleep the past few nights thinking about it, I cant decide if it is excitement or nerves though that is keeping me awake! Ive also been stressing over what to wear and had to pick up some new makeup for the occasion too. Im going to have to practice hard before I go, I want to look gorgeous for my big debut!

So much to do, so little time.....

I cant really afford this, but ive been feeling like ive been stuck in a rut lately when it comes to my dressing, I feel like I need to experience this now while the opportunity is here so I can see what it is like! Thank god for my credit card!

Wednesday, 29 August 2012

Getting An Itch

Well its been over a month since coming out to my partner now and after all the heartache and stress initially it feels like I actually havent done anything to justify it. Me and my partner have been clothes shopping, shes bought me a top, and ive dressed up at home a few times and thats it. Over the past few days ive been getting very depressed, I think partially due to this reason.

Today I decided to do something about it. I shaved my body for the first time since coming out, and have dressed up. Ive put a little makeup on but not too much. I didnt tell my partner I was going to shave and dress up and surprised her when she came home, she seemed fine with it and complemented me on my outfit and makeup. Im still dressed up now as I type this and I feel good about myself again, the depression has gone.

So what is the cause of the depression? I think a small part of it was due to not being able to dress properly, but the main thing is because I want to go out and do things as Aimee. Im 30 now, ive taken a big step coming out and now I want to go and experience things! I want to see how far I can push being Trans, find my limits and what it means to me, but I cant because I have no money. I was hoping to have ticked things off my list of 'Trans things to do before I die' by now but havent really been able to. Im getting a little frustrated now but im stuck until I get back into work.

Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Suggestions On How To Come Out To Your Partner

Disclaimer - I have created this based on my own experiences of coming out to my partner, and also the experiences I have gathered from other people and places on the internet. It is not a guaranteed how-to guide and should be tailored to suit your partner. I bear no responsibility for anything that happens if you decide to follow these tips, and also do not guarantee that your partner will accept you. Each person is individual and while my partner accepted me, yours may not. Please bear in mind that every person is different and what ive written below may not work entirely for you. If you do decide to use some of what ive said, put it into your own words!

The below are only suggestions on how to approach this conversation with your partner based on my experiences. This is not a how-to guide!

First of All

To start with I thought I would give you the biggest bit of advice I can give you that applies throughout this whole experience. Take things at your partners pace. Do not force information or changes on her at all otherwise she will feel overloaded and may freak out. When coming out to her answer her questions but do not add information, if she goes silent then dont try to talk to her as she is thinking things through. Let her sit there and wait for her to speak. Give her choices wherever possible, try to make her feel she is in control of the conversation as she will feel like her life is being turned upside down.

Another thing to bear in mind is your approach. Dressing up and surprising her when she gets home from work is probably the worst way you can do this. At best have a photo handy of you dressed up, dont force it on her but have it in case she asks and feels the need to see it. I had one on my phone which I didnt even show her in the end. Also dont have a photo of you all made up looking glamorous and amazing, if she has any insecurities this will likely make things seriously worse. Make it an average pic without makeup or something, it needs to be enough to make it real without making her feel bad about herself.

There is never a good time to bring this up, try to make sure she will have plenty of time to absorb and process what you are telling her.

Research Beforehand

I recommend you read something like 'Something to Confess' by Karen Adler, you can find it on Amazon in Kindle format or Smashwords for other formats and its only £2. It is written by the wife of a Crossdresser and describes her thoughts and feelings throughout the experience of him coming out to her. Be warned, she comes across as a very open minded person so your partner may not be as understanding. However it was still an emotional and painful experience for Karen therefore it is still a useful read so you can understand how your partner will feel at various points and how your actions will probably affect her. There are other books you can read to but this is one I have personally used.

Take the time to have a look on Trans support sites and forums, and possibly get involved too as there are people on there who will have been through the same and will be able to offer support and their experiences when they came out to their partners. They will also be able to offer advice on your approach and maybe even support you through the emotional fallout during and after. Be warned though that telling your partner you have done this could bring up trust issues. She may understand you needed to do this for support, but may feel like you trust strangers more then her.

Preperation is Key

Be prepared for the worst. As well as you may know your partner all bets are off when it comes to revealing something like this. Be prepared for the possibility that she may go and tell all your friends, family and workplace about this side of you. By coming out to her, the rewards could be beyond your wildest dreams, but at the same time it could also be a life changing experience where you will lose this relationship and you will truly find out who your friends are.

Be prepared for questions. The number one thought that will go through her mind is 'are you gay?', and I was asked this quite a few times when I came out to my gf. Now we all know that just because we dress doesnt mean we fancy blokes too, gender and sexuality are seperate things. However to the general public the only contact they have with people who are Trans are drag queens who are essentially gay men who dress to entertain, or camped up actors on comedy shows mocking Crossdressers (Little Britain comes to mind). These are the things your partner will have in mind when you tell her this about you. Being Trans is very misunderstood, and I even told my gf in some ways it would probably have been easier to come out as gay because at least everyone understands it.

Be prepared to be honest (well, almost). Well now the cat is out of the bag you might as well be as honest to her as you can. Tell her why you dress, what you get up to, and how it makes you feel. If you were like me and are suffering with depression because of hiding it, tell her. If you are having gender identity issues and are not sure how far you want to take it, go see a therapist (before telling her if you can) and tell your gf you are too. Its important she knows how it has been affecting you, be as honest as you can but also very importantly do not force information on her. You do not want to overload her. Answer her questions at her pace. There may however be things you might want to keep back depending on what you do when it comes to your dressing. For example, if you dress in her clothes do not tell her that as she will feel like you have violated her personal space as well as deceived her. Ideally do not dress in her clothes at all, your partner (whether you tell them or hide it) will make the connection between your body type and theirs and think back to how strange their clothes fit (women notice when their clothes feel different) and then it will be a violation on a different level. Some women are very insecure in their own bodies and will see it as the ultimate betrayal to have a man in their clothes or wearing femme gear as it will feel like their man is stealing their sexual identity and will feel as though they have nothing of their own. It makes it worse for some when they see their "men" looking better than them.

Be prepared to reassure. It cannot be understated how important this step is, my gf has mentioned several times that the only way she got through this was because I reassured her continuously. You need to tell her you love her, and how much she means to you. Tell her she is the most important thing in your life and the reason you are telling her is because you want to be with her forever. Tell her that knowing how important dressing is to you, you could have taken the easy way out and split up with her. But instead you took a risk which could have cost you your friends and family, but were prepared to take it because you couldnt imagine your life without her. Assure her you are the same person you always have been, that you still have the same interests, loves and hates, that this is just something extra on top of all of that. Its always been a part of the way that you think, and as such has always been a part of the man she fell in love with.

Be prepared to offer support. Have support and information available for her if she needs it but do not force it on her. Give her choice to try and give her a sense of control. And in a very chaotic and disrupting moment in her life, she will need some sense of control to save her sanity. She will most likely find it extremely difficult to comprehend and process what you are telling her. One place I can suggest is Transpartners, it has been setup by the partners of men who are Trans and offers possible explanations, links to other resources, and also a forum too so partners can get in touch with people who are also in the same situation as them. I would recommend reading Transpartners yourself first so you can be prepared for any questions she may have from reading it. There is also a partner specific section on The Angels forum too. If you are lucky and have made friends who are out to their partners on other Trans sites, they may offer their phone numbers to support both of you too. While I offered these to my gf, she did not want to speak to strangers about our situation so I was not able to find out how effective any of them are, nor can I recommend them. My gf chose to speak to her best friend about it, and while I was not too happy with it it turns out this was the best move because her friend sorted my gfs head out and has also offered her support to me too.

And finally be prepared to be patient. Dont expect her to be accepting in a day, she might need to take some time to figure out what to do. You will have just turned her world upside down and she probably wont get her head around it in a day. Dont force the issue but also make sure she doesnt bury her head in the sand. You will have to judge this yourself.

After the Conversation

If you have made it this far and she still wants to make it work, then this is excellent news but you are not in the clear yet. There are still some things you need to bear in mind. First off, just because she accepts it does not mean she is happy or comfortable with it. When she is ready you will need to discuss boundaries. Tell her what you want to do when it comes to your Crossdressing (clothes, shaving, going out, etc) and find out her thoughts on them. Be prepared to compromise with her, do not expect to get your way entirely. It may be she wants to go on shopping trips and have girls nights in, or it may be that she doesnt want to see it at all but at least gives you some freedom to dress when she is not at home. At least you will not be hiding it anymore and believe me that is a massive relief.

Sunday, 26 August 2012

TS In Denial? Need Or Want?

So over the past few months I have spoken to many people who are at various stages of being Trans, from TV's all the way through to fully transitioned TS's. In this time something ive heard from a few people now is that from what theyve read I seem like I am a TS in denial. Many TS's who have transitioned later on initially thought they were a TV and only after coming out as one and fully exploring their feminine side did they come to this conclusion, so is this going to happen to me?

At the moment I see myself as a part time TV/CD, I dress because I enjoy it. I walk and talk like a man, I think like a man, im lazy like a man, but at the same time I have a need to express femininity from time to time too. I love being dressed up like a girl, it makes me feel good about myself, and when I see photos of myself dressed it makes me smile too. If I could go back in time and start again as Aimee, I would.

As far as I understand, being a TS is a 'need'. Its something which is and always has been part of your psyche. Its the kind of thing that when you look in the mirror and see a mans face staring back at you, you just know that is wrong. Ive never felt like this. For myself, I think being a TV/CD is between a 'need and a 'want'. I need to express my femininity, but I see going full time as a want. I would love to do it, and its something ive yearned and wished for very hard over the years since my childhood, but ive never looked in the mirror and not recognised myself. Ive never internally identified myself as female, ive just wished I was. Im interested to find out what your definition of TS is, and what the defining moment was that made you realise that is what you are.

Ive been trying to remember back to my childhood, trying to remember the feelings I had, why and when they started, and how strong they were. Its difficult because I can remember bits but I cant remember in what order which means they may be out of context. I may make another post about this soon, today I dont really have time.

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

So Whats Next?

Do I intend to let this blog die? Erm, no.

But surely at this point it has served its purpose, im no longer a confused Crossdresser right? Well this is true, but I get the impression my Transgender journey is still going to go on for a very long time, and there will be bumps in the road.

While I have certainly accepted myself more over the past few months and also finally told my partner which has been a huge relief for me, there are still things I am unhappy with and want clarification about.

I read about other people who have gone through I have, told their partners who accepted them, and then 10 years or so down the line suddenly realised they are TS. I dont want to hurt my partner anymore than I have already. I feel bad in a way because she is probably only still with me because we have already been committed to each other for nearly 10 years at this point. If this happened to me we would be 40 by that point and I would be forcing her hand again.

In some ways I feel guilty because of this, I think about it from time to time and I probably do force her hand a lot. When I came out to her and we were still in the heat of the moment she said that I take a lot from her, and she didnt know how much more I could take from her. By this she refers to the fact I dont want kids, I dont want animals, and there are probably other things in there too culminating with the latest issue that im Trans.

Lets get the easy one out the way. I dont like having pets, they smell, youve got to walk them, feed them, look after them, and they are just a random element in the house that could do anything without prompting. My partner comes from a dog family, the whole family has dogs and they love them. I cant give in on this and my partner has had to reluctantly accept it.

As far as kids go, im not ready for the responsibility of having one, and I dont think ill ever be. I know she gets broody from time to time, ever since her best friend gave birth a few years ago,  yesterday she learned her friend was having another and im sure it got her thinking about it again because she was feeling down but said she didnt know why. I just dont have the patience for kids, and I love having complete freedom to do what I want when I want. Not only that but we are not exactly set up financially either.

And then there is the whole Trans issue. I was going to see a therapist privately (6 month waiting list on the NHS!) until recently but had to stop because im running out of money. I really want to try and get to the bottom of it all because then itll at least be one thing I wont have to feel guilty about anymore. Itll be one less thing to force on my partner.

Wednesday, 1 August 2012

10 Days Since Coming Out

So a lot has happened in the 10 days since I came out to my gf, it was initially a very difficult time for us but im glad that I seem to have such an understanding partner and im glad I took the steps to tell her, rather than the easy way out and leave her.

So the day after my last post my gf was in tears again first of all but I reassured her that im still me, but with this extra piece ive been hiding from her while I came to terms with it myself. After this we decided to go to the park since the sun was shining, we sat on a bench and just talked for hours about everything from why I do it through to clothes and makeup. It was good to get it out and since then she has been a lot more comfortable with the idea. She still thinks its weird but has been accepting enough to go shopping with me, and she even bought me a top. She also met my alter ego for the first time 2 days ago and didnt seem to be fazed by it at all. Im able to move my stuff out of the box its been hiding in and as soon as I can buy a few cabinets tomorrow ill be able to store my things properly for a change.

I met with her friend and we talked for hours about everything and she seemed absolutely fine and supportive with it. She came round again while my gf was here and we talked about it again as a group, even went so far as to talk about clothes and even go through some of my wardrobe.

My depression has all but dissapeared which is nice, I do worry a little that maybe shes not taking it as well as shes letting on in an effort to make me happy and this does get me down occasionally, but generally im feeling a lot better. I still have the occasional esteem issue but its a lot less of an issue than it has been. Im still going to see a therapist because while this is fresh I want to make sure that I know exactly what this is, I dont want to have a second realisation in 10-20 years that I should have transitioned or something and then hurt my gf for a second time. Id rather make sure now.

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Coming Out Update

So yesterday was harder than actually coming out to her. I was totally honest yesterday with what ive been up to, where ive been, and who with. She was not coping well and eventually went to see her best friend to help her talk through it. I was not too happy about this, in an ideal world I only really wanted her to know and it felt like I was loosing control. I was angry, frustrated and felt very alone for a lot of the day, particularly when she was with her friend. I ended up drinking for a lot of the day because I didnt know what else to do.

Well it turns out that when she came back she was a hell of a lot more accepting and had calmed down dramatically. Her friend set her head straight and we are now going to move forward slowly with her having a bit more of an open mind. I got a text shortly after from my gf's friend saying ive got no reason to be weird around her and if I need someone to talk to then she is there for me. She said she knows nothing about it apart from Eddie Izzard so ive arranged to meet her on Friday 1 on 1 to answer questions so we can clear the air while her partner and child arent there.

Needless to say ive never felt more close to my gf than I do now, I hope we can make this work.

Monday, 23 July 2012

It Is Done

So its done. I told her, she had a cry, I had a cry (only a little one mind), and were taking it from there. She understands that its not something I can help and its not going to go away, but cant get her head around why I do it. I cant really explain why either which doesnt help. Shes a little freaked out by the thought of it too but doesnt want to give up on us. At the same time if she cant come to terms with it she understands it might be the end of our relationship. Theres no animosity which is a bonus tbh, if we did split it would be amicable.

Shes not being bitter about it but is finding it difficult to cope because she cant speak to her best friend about it. Ive told her im happy for her to confide in her friend if she likes but if her friend breaks that confidence the fallout will affect both of us.

I havent been completely honest with my activities to date (no I havent met anyone dressed before) but I have told her I intend to socialise at some point with other TVs. She hasnt asked what my other name is yet and hasnt asked to see.

This is going to be an interesting week.

Sunday, 22 July 2012

Today Is The Day

Well this is it. My gf comes back from holiday today and I plan to tell her about Aimee later on this evening. Ive got a letter all prepared (I will update one of the letters ive already got on here with the final draft soon) which outlines everything. Ive also got a photo ready just in case she wants to see, and ive specifically picked one which proves I do what I do but is of me not looking my best to make sure I dont play into any insecurities she may have that I am not aware of.

I thought I was fine with this but yesterday I was feeling extremely anxious and I am again this morning, im shit-scared! When I was speaking to my therapist the other day she asked if I was prepared if it went badly and told everyone, and I think I am. On the one hand I dont really care, truth be told ive never felt that close to anyone since moving here. Ive got plenty of friends who I get on with great but ive never felt like ive had friends like my best friends I grew up with back home, no-one particularly close. If they dont take it well then thats fine, they are people I could do without in my life. On the other hand I cant help but worry about what people think of me because of my low self esteem, and this is something which if it gets out will certainly change peoples perception of me sometimes in quite a negative way. And because my family, partner, friends and work colleagues are all interlinked, the word will literally get out to everyone in my life and there will be no escape.

I am aware of a lot of peoples preconceptions about why we do what we do, and I do have an opportunity to educate them about it, but its still going to be a massive upheaval and one that I am not looking forward to.

Heres hoping I dont chicken out.

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Getting Help

So today is a day of more packages coming to my house full of clothes for me. Ive got friends who dont know about Aimee coming around shortly to make some tunes so im not able to dress up, and im hoping they leave early enough for me to be able to iron and pack my clothes ready for my makeover session tomorrow.

The biggest news is one of the therapists I emailed over the weekend sent me an email this morning inviting me in for an appointment this week. Ive asked for Thursday evening and I hope its still available by the time she gets my email. I dont know what to expect to be honest, at the moment ive been feeling a lot better than I have in recent times but I dont want to kid myself im better and I dont need it, who knows when it could strike again. Maybe the act of coming out to my gf will make me feel better, negating the need for these sessions. Well have to see. I might just go for one and see how it goes.

Monday, 16 July 2012

What Next

So this week is turning into a bit of an event for me. My gf is on holiday with her parents and that means im able to take the next steps ive wanted to take for so long:

Ive shaved my body from head (well neck) to toe. Its all gone, even the undercarriage. Heres a massive tip for you, dont use Veet for men, it is rubbish! Ive just tried a second go tonight and its just left loads of hairs everywhere. After giving up and going over again with my razor, other complications include tiny persistant hairs that the razor just cant seem to get all over the place but often barelly noticeable, shavers rash all over the place, hairs on my back I just cant reach and cuts all over the place. On the other hand, it feels amazing to be smooth!

Ive got some new boobs, they stick out about the same as my old ones but they are wider and as such look a lot fuller. I think they look a lot more natural than my old ones and im very happy with them.

Ive got loads more new clothes including my first LBD!

Ive arranged to go to a dressing service. Sophies in Bath to be exact, ive heard good things and after speaking to Juliette it sounds like im going to learn a lot. Its cost me more than I would have liked but what the hey I thought why spare expense. Im hopefully going to learn some things that will do me well so it should be money well spent.

Ive arranged to meet quite a few new trannys. Im not expecting me to get on with all of them but hey I dont know if I dont try.

Ive started emailing some local counselors/therapists to try and discuss my issues with them. Im hoping to get a session in this week. Im really bad for trying to self diagnose my state of mind, I really need to go in there with a clear head and let them do the figuring out,

Im still planning on sticking to the countdown and tell my gf when she gets back, im going to have to tell her something ot explain the loss of my hair! Ive got some websites and support groups for partners of trans girls to hand but I doubt it will be enough. I honestly think that countdown is representative of how long is left of our relationship.

Friday, 13 July 2012

Coming Out Letter - Final Draft

<Insert Name>,

Its very important that you take the time to read this letter fully before asking any questions or forming your own conclusions. I want you to remember that opening up like this is an extremely difficult thing for me to do and im doing so in the strictest confidence, but I love you very much and I need to explain a few things to you. If you dont think this is something your not going to be able to chat to xxxxx, xxxx, xxxxxx or anyone else about then stop reading now.

Ive decided to write this as a letter because ive got some things I need to get off my chest, and I fear that by trying to talk to you about it I might not get my points across the way I want to and you may misinterpret what im trying to say. I want to explain to you where I am at mentally and also share with you something extremely personal to me that you do not know about, something which will probably change the way that you see me as a person. Im very unhappy with my life as it currently stands. Im unhappy with my job, with my social life, and especially with my current state of mind. You are the only good thing to happen to me in my life so far and im aware this has been and will continue to affect you too. I need you to understand what im going through and why this is the case so I can try and move forward and make the changes needed to try and get myself back on track. Im not going to be able to move on until ive admitted to myself, and also you what is going on inside my head.

First off I need to tell you that I hate myself. Not in a 'I want to end it all' slash my wrists kind of way, but in a contemplative but also intense 'I wish I was someone else' kind of way. I hated my life up to the point I moved here and was constantly the target for bullies because of my name and size, and after so many years of this it has had a knock on effect on my personality that has been difficult to shake over the years. I thought I was doing well since moving here but over the past few years ive found myself sinking back into my old way of thinking again. Currently I have no self esteem, no confidence, and feel like I am socially awkward to the point of hating going to social gatherings for fear of making a fool out of myself in some way, which more often than not I do.

Mistakes I have made however big or small I replay in my head again and again to the point where at least several times a day I curse and swear at myself out loud or get sucked into it in my head. If a recent incident was especially embarrassing I cant shake that embarrassed feeling for days or even weeks. Youve caught me shouting out around the house several times, but ive played it off as me saying something else. Also remember when we were on the tube coming back from London and you asked me what I was doing because it looked like I was talking to myself, that was one of those times where I was in a world of my own replaying an incident in my head. When I havent done anything recent I end up having little flashbacks of a random something that usually happened many years ago and still troubles me so I still beat myself up about it. I cant help it, and it feels like its never ending.
Often these could be extremely minor incidents but they play heavily on my mind, and because of my self esteem this gets to me a lot more than it should. The knock on effect of this is that I have difficulty motivating myself to do anything including socialising, and when i do im hardly the life and soul of the party. I dont get involved with group discussions, and when I do I end up stammering most of the time. I hate meeting new people and often find it difficult to think of anything to say no matter how interesting they are, its even worse when its a group of new people.

I have no motivation at all to do anything to get myself out of the hole I find myself in when it comes to my health and employment. I subconsciously seem to deliberately sabotage any way of finding happiness because I lack the motivation or the will to try and make myself a better person. I suppose if I hate myself so much why should I bother trying to make my life happier.

The next thing I want to tell you is something ive been struggling with for many, many years. I used to dabble in it when I lived back home and tried to put it behind me when I first moved here, I was successful for a time but it never goes away. When I try to ignore it eventually it becomes compulsive, it eats at me till I reach a point I cant think of anything else and I cant ignore it anymore. Its also something that will probably be with me for the rest of my life so I have to come to terms with it. You have to understand that when I cant express myself in this way or I think about how different my life could be if I could, it can really get me down. The depression ive been suffering with on and off over the past year or so has been largely because of work, but also partly because of my self esteem and confidence issue, and also partly caused by the need to express myself the way I want to but not being able to due to the stigma attached to it, and what you might think of me. Dont get me wrong, work was the catalyst and the main cause of when I snapped, but they have all played their part.

So around July last year I realised I didnt want this to turn into a regret to go with everything else that bothers me, I decided to try and explore it to see if letting myself get into it properly for a while would either get it out of my system for good or make me realise I would need to accommodate this in my life. I gave myself time to figure it out after which I would make a final decision about what choice to make, and this is why I have written this letter to you. As it turns out this is something that is a much bigger part of me as my music is, or art is to you. As such it is something I can no longer ignore.

This is incredibly difficult for me to admit, not only to you but to myself, but here goes. Basically I have a need to express my feminine side sometimes, and when I do I feel happier and more relaxed about myself than I do at any other time. Its something I need to express more than ive been able to so far and as my partner its only fair that you know about this. This does not mean I suddenly fancy men, want to take hormones or have surgery, and you should know there are many men around the country who also live with this successfully with their partners too. You have to understand that this is part of the man you fell in love with, its always been part of how I think and act and this doesn't change when I dress either, but it isnt going away so we are going to have to find a way to accommodate this into our lives. Im not expecting any participation from you in this, id happily keep this as something I do without you but I need to tell you about it because I dont want to keep secrets from you. However whether you are a part of it or not im not going to be able to ignore this anymore.
Its difficult to say why I do this, believe me ive spent the last year trying to figure it out myself but what I can tell you is that when im dressed up I feel a lot better about myself than at any other time. Maybe its the escapism, maybe its a defense mechanism I developed to deal with the stuff I had to deal with when I was younger. I dont know.
The above revelation however is a double edged sword. I find happiness when dressed, but at the same time I hate myself for being what i am. I really wish I was normal, I really really wish I was normal. A normal bloke who likes drinking and football, and someone who isnt putting you through what your going through now. But I cant ignore it, ive buried it for too long and I cant hide it anymore. It probably goes without saying that this is very personal to me, and im trusting you with this because I love you very much and this is something that has been affecting us both. Very few people have ever known about this and it is something that I dont intend to share with many people, in fact it is something I only want to do at home or well out of the way in another town.  Weve been together for a long time and I love you very much, but I need to explore this and find out how deep the rabbit hole goes because to be honest its driving me mad not being able to and my depression and anxiety is only going to get worse.

At this point you should understand why I need to make some serious changes to my lifestyle and the scale of the problems I have been dealing with emotionally. I chose a therapist who works in all the areas that have been affecting me, so is aware of all of the above and this is a large part of the ongoing conversation we will be having. If you need to speak to someone about how you feel or if you are unsure what to do or just want more information about any of the above, tell me and I can point you in the direction of places to go for information and support, including websites, forums and probably even phone numbers of people who have also dealt with this issue with their partners.

Id just like to sign off by saying I love you very much and im sorry I havent brought this up with you before, but it is something that I have only recently accepted about myself and I wanted to be sure before I told you about it.

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Counting Down

So my deadline for telling the gf runs out soon, I plan to tell her when she comes back from holiday with her parents the week after next. It really isnt long to go and every time I think about it I feel more and more anxious. I can feel my chest pulsing or fluttering and I get light headed about it. I know that the majority of what ive been feeling has been because of work, but I need to remember why I need to come clean about this too.

I need to remember that before I started getting depressed I was obsessed by dressing almost all of the time. Everytime I saw a good looking girl in the street I would certainly feel attracted to her, but I would also feel a mixture of admiration, envy and jealousy about what what she was wearing and how she looked. If I saw a dress I liked in a shop window I would not be able to stop thinking about it. At times it was obsessive and a nightmare to control. As much as ive got mixed feelings about the cause of my depression this is still something I need to admit to myself and allow space to breathe.

Because of this I need to realise that even if I get the depression under control I would still be back to how I was before, living a lie behind my gfs back.

Monday, 9 July 2012

Contemplating My Next Move

My gf is in work all day today so im sat here at my laptop dressed up in a red stripey dress, leggings and wedges contemplating my next moves and where they could take me. When I started this last year I gave myself a deadline of 12 months to either get it out of my system or take steps to do this properly and I intend to stick to it. Since ive decided this is part of who I am ive now got to decide what to do next. Ive decided that the week after next when she gets back from her holiday will be when I will break the news, what news this will be is what I am trying to figure out.

I have no intention of coming out to the world with what I am, this is not something which will ever be full time for me. I like having man time, but similarly I like having time to let my feminine side out as well. As Lisa Johanna put it so brilliantly on her blog: "I was born male and I'll die male, with interludes of glamorous femininity along the way". Because of this there is no real need to come out to everyone in my life, but I think at the very least my gf has a right to know.

On the one hand coming clean is the main option I seem to be working towards at the moment but it also could potentially have the messiest outcome. Knowing what im like in conversation the decision to do this by letter seems the best way to approach this. That way I know all the main points I want to get across are in there, and then I will be there to answer the many questions shes likely to have afterwards. However the possible outcome of this is that she will reject me, split up with me, tell all our friends and 'out me', which is not what I want. To be honest from conversations ive had with her where ive tried to test the water, I think this is likely what will happen. I will only get one shot at this and if it goes badly my life will get turned upside down. To be honest it probably will anyway!

On the other hand just ending it with her is also an option I am considering. This way I will still get to keep this a secret on my terms, she will never know, and then I get to explore this the way I want to with no-one to answer to. But then I will be losing the girl ive spent the last 8-9 years with and ill never know what could have been. Part of the reason im considering this option is because after 8-9 years with her ive grown comfortable with her which is no bad thing, we still get on as well as we did when we met but im not sure if I still love her in the way she does me. Ive grown so used to hiding my feelings that im finding it difficult to tell what is what.

As ive been typing this I have been thinking, would it be so bad to be outed to my friends? To be honest I know some of them would probably never talk to me again, but then at the same time I dont think others would care and it would show who actually values me as a friend.

Sunday, 8 July 2012

Something To Look Forward to

So in a weeks time my gf will be going on holiday for 8-9 days, and I plan to continue to be off work during that time. This means im going to be putting into action the next part of my plan and also spend a lot of time as Aimee! This is probably going to cause some awkward explanations to my gf when she gets back but it needs to be done.

First off I plan to get rid of all of my body hair. Now I usually dress to accommodate my hair and make sure that I get rid of what I can (which isnt much) and then cover the rest, but it really doesnt help me feel the part. Im really quite excited about this and ive been looking forward to it for some time. Next I plan to get a makeover, not from a department store or anything like that, but hopefully from a local TG friendly individual who can help me sort out colours and also talk me through the process. There is someone in particular I will be getting in touch with shortly to arrange this. Then I will be buying my own makeup and frantically practicing that week before my gf gets back. Hopefully I will get some photos done too so ill finally got some nice pics which will show me complete.

Since I have time off I will also hopefully be trying to arrange some meets with other TG's. Apart from one person the other people I have been chatting to so far are new to me and this is quite scary. Im not a great social person, if someone doesnt have the same interests as me (and I dont have normal interests) I find it quite difficult to do simple things like keep a conversation going. I suppose my self esteem and confidence issues plays a part in this, im just not a great conversationalist. But im forcing myself to do this, I need an outlet for this side of my life. I need to share it with people because dressing up for me and my camera is fun but only for about 10 minutes and it gets very very lonely.

Friday, 6 July 2012

I think It Might Be Easier

Ive been working myself up today and getting quite anxious thinking about where im at currently. Im seriously thinking of just ending it with my gf, it would make life so much easier for me and it would give me far more freedom than if I came clean about being a T-Girl. Ive got things I would want to try that I wouldnt be able to while im with her. At the same time weve been together 8-9 years while barely arguing. We get on very well. Its a long time to throw away.

I really dont know what to do, im totally lost.

I Dont Want To Be A Crossdresser

I get a few hits to this blog for people searching for terms like 'I dont want to be a crossdresser' and 'I cant decide if I want to be a crossdresser', and if you have come across this blog looking for answers to this very question then this post is just for you.

Being Trans* whether that is as a Crossdresser, Transvestite, Transgender, Transexual, Genderqueer, something else or something in between, or even if your not sure where you fit on the gender spectrum, is not a choice that we have. There is something hardwired inside your brain that means you have a need to express a feminine part of your personality to some degree, and how much will depend on your individual circumstances. Trying to deny or suppress your feelings is not healthy and will only lead to more intense issues further down the line. I spent many years trying to deny this side of me and slowly it started becoming a massive regret which I was obsessing over. This contributed to my depression, and to a point, it still does a little now. You need to learn to accept it and figure out how far you need to go to be happy, and you will not be able to figure it out without pushing some boundaries. There will be some challenges along the way, and you might surprise yourself when you figure out what this means to you, but the journey will be worth it.

You dont want to be in a position where you regret this years down the line, we are only here once and we are all different. Experiment now, get out there and try it out while you can look good doing it. You dont want to be 60 years old looking in a mirror wearing a dress far too short and revealing, wishing you had tried this out sooner. Im only tackling this at 30 years of age and im really regretting not doing it earlier in my life when I would have looked far better (and maybe dare I say it, convincing) and been able to enjoy it more. I often think about where my life would be now if I had accepted this many years ago, I think I would be a lot happier with myself now, thats for sure. As it is though, im now very happy with having this other side to me in my life. I love dressing up, I love how makeup changes the way my face looks, I feel so much happier with myself when I can have my feminine moments, and I would not change it for the world.

Take the time to explore it, maybe even get in touch with other people about it. Make use of the internet and the various Trans* contact sites and support forums that are out there, get chatting to people, arrange to meet them or go on a night out with them, or find out where your local support groups are and make a trip to one. If you are really worried or confused then go and see a counsellor/therapist. People do need help from time to time and there is no stigma attached for trying to sort yourself out. If you decide to go and see one make sure they deal with Transgender issues as someone who is not trained in the specifics of this will not be able to help you.

Theres nothing wrong about expressing your female side, and talking to other people in the same situation as yourself will help you realise this, and maybe even help you realise how far you need to go. If you can meet someone face to face that would be best but even chatting online can help. If you are really unsure, you can even comment on this post if you like and I will reply to you.

Take care,

Aimee x


p.s. I rewrote this post on 17/02/13 because of the search hits I was getting to it, I decided to do a search using the same search term used to find this blog, and found that there are a lot of blogs and sites that want to try and 'fix' you, usually by following religion or some other far-fetched method. As this was the only search hit that comes from a blog which is 'pro-TG', I figured I would amend this post to something which would encourage visitors to explore this side of them since the original post was written at a time when i was still in turmoil and depressed, not long before coming out to my partner. I have decided to keep the original post and here it is below, but please bear in mind I was not in a good place at the time:

Just a quick post about people searching for answers. I can see that some of the search terms used to find this blog were 'I dont want to be a crossdresser' and 'I cant decide if I want to be a crossdresser', and I just wanted to say a quick something about that.

To be honest you dont get a choice im afraid. As much as I enjoy it I dont want to be a crossdresser and ive spent many years trying hard not to give in to it, but the longer you try and leave it and ignore it the stronger it comes back. It just plays in your head again and again and again until you give in. The reasons why we do this are varied and will be down to the individual but you might as well accept now that this is part of who you are. You dont want to end up like me. Im turning 30 tomorrow and im regretting not making this a part of my life years sooner. On the one hand I really enjoy getting dressed up and chilling out en femme, but then ive got a gf who ive lived with for years and to 'come out' is going to shake up and probably devastate both our lives, plus im considering therapy to try and get my head round it but its something ive got to do.