An Eventful Year

Hi everyone, it's been a while since my last post and a few things have happened during this time but I've just not had a chance to sit at my computer to get it all down.

Coming Out To A Friend

Back in July, I decided to come out to a friend I work with. She's the first person in my 'day life' that I've chosen to come out, and it was very scary. We've worked together for many years and get on so well, we have a similar sense of humour, trust each other with secrets (generally bitching about people in work lol), and recently she shared something with me about her that made me think it could be worth telling her and that she could be trusted.

I slipped a few not so subtle tests into conversation like "ugh (HP author who I shall not name directly) is all over my Twitter feed again" to see what her responses were going to be like. I also found out she has a non binary friend, so in the end I just decided to go for it.

After saying the words over WhatsApp, I was suddenly terrified of what I'd done. She is someone I work with, what if she decided to blab it around work? The culture is very pro LGBT there so my job wouldn't be at risk, but personally/socially? 

She seemed to take the news well, and we agreed to go for a drink after work about a few weeks later to properly catch up. We chatted a bit on WhatsApp during this time and it was almost like nothing had changed, although once or twice she had to reassure me everything was going to be fine. I was probably being a bit of a drama queen. :)

So we met up, had some drinks, and she had many questions and I opened up about everything. The real reason I moved away from home (THIS!), missed opportunities, the dysphoria, exploratory experiences. coming out to my partner, my recent night out, regrets, politics and society from our perspective, and so much more. I showed her a few photos and she said I looked so happy in them and "look at you with long hair!". :) 

All the things I'd prepared in my head probably came out as a rambling mess but it was done. She was so lovely, calm, and even offered if there's anything she could do to help. Our WhatsApp chats have now changed, we talk about outfits and she offers advice, and has decided that she's going to help me look foxy, whatever that means. :)

About a month later, she came over to my house and met me properly for the first time. We drank a bottle of gin between us and just chatted all day and night. I can't remember her exact words but I think at one point she said she prefers me like this, so there we go. :) I think I have a true friend in her.

Second Night Out

At the end of October I went to the legendary Tribe of Frog again with my friend Fran. I was much happier with my outfit and makeup this time, going for a more dramatic eyeliner and lip colour, and had a really good time.

We started with a quick drink at The Social which is a bar up the road. Like last time, the bar staff were really nice and one of them even came over for a little chat, asking why Fran was drinking Ale with a straw ("so it doesn't ruin my lipstick", "ah, we wondered if it would get you drunk quicker"). These friendly interactions made me feel so welcome.

Then we made our way over to The Lakota for our night out, and same as before, we had a brilliant night. The staff were all nice and respectful, our chats and interactions with other ravers was always friendly and respectful and fun. It all just felt normal and right, which is exactly what I wanted. And the music was banging. :)

I never thought I would get to go the kind of nightclubs and raves I like to go to like this. I still can't quite believe I get to do this now.

I had been feeling a bit dysphoric during the weeks leading up to this and I had a few pangs while I was there. On the odd occasion I couldn't help but compare myself and feel maybe a little inadequate against the cis women around me, when that hit me I suppose I felt quite self conscious. Envious maybe. It didn't ruin my night or anything but it definitely bothered me a bit.

We drank a lot and danced our little feet off, before finally leaving when it kicked out at 7am for our weary walk back to the hotel. And we now need to plan our next adventure. I recently found out Fold in London is an LGBT friendly Techno venue, so that might be our next destination.

My Partners Acceptance

Since coming out to my partner, apart from the rocky start she has always been accepting of my gender identity but over the last say 8 years it slowly became the elephant in the room for various reasons. Eventually this led to conversations getting shut down, she was happy for me to do things but didn't want to see or know about it, and eventually it became easier if not better that I just didn't mention it at all and did things without telling her.

While my night out earlier in the year had started to reverse some of this, I was still finding it difficult to open up with her. Coming out to my friend was a very spur of the moment, impulsive decisions, and against the backdrop of the above, I didn't tell my partner.

So after doing the deed, I had to tell her and she was not happy at all. We had a big chat and I tried to calm her fears, like no I wasn't planning on coming out to everyone, this was most likely a one off. It was a difficult conversation.

Over time though, our relationship seems to be changing in a positive way that I think this was the catalyst of. She's been making more of an effort to open up, to talk about this side of me, to want to offer advice and get involved. Over the months it's been awkward for me, it's taken time to get over the secretive habits I'd fallen into and worrying about what she would think about me and the choices I make with what I wear and do. But we have been working on this. She'd even suggested me dressing up around the house but I wasn't sure she was really ready for that.

As I was preparing for my night out she seemed to be showing genuine interest in what I was going to wear and do. In the week leading up to it I wanted to buy a dress in a different colour as well as a few other little bits, and she came with me. Shopping with her was something new, and she made it seem like it was the most normal thing. 

Then, last weekend I decided while my waxing was still relatively fresh, and while I was still full of confidence from my night out, and our recent conversations and shopping trip, to have a 'me' day at home. I put on a very casual outfit and light (probably too light) make up, and we spent the evening just watching TV like any other normal night in.

Over the night she was complimentary about my appearance, said I looked nice, held my hand for a bit and said she loved me. It feels like we've leapt over a huge hurdle here. God knows what really goes through her head but huge progress has been made and I'm very happy about that. Although I do worry that she'll suddenly snap back so I suppose I'm still a little cautious.

But overall, we're communicating more and the shame/embarrassment is getting less each time, and she seems to be much more accepting now. This has almost come out of nowhere and it's a welcome change.

So after maybe 7-8 years of slipping backwards, I've been on two nights out, have an amazing friend who now knows, and my partner seems to have really changed her view on this. It really has been an eventful year.

I update this blog a few times a year to share my personal thoughts and experiences that mostly I don't share anywhere else, but this time it feels maybe self indulgent? I don't know. Blogs seems to be a dying form these days. Does anyone benefit from reading stuff like this? My stats show I get quite a few hits I guess but I don't know why. 

Anyways, the world is a hostile place right now and I hope you are staying as safe as you can wherever you are. Take care and love to you all.

Chloe x

The Unexpected London Trip

Thursday was the day I finally decided I was going to go, that left me with two nights to book, pack and prepare. As my girlfriend was already going away this weekend, we had to wait and see if the vet would give our cat the all clear so I wouldnt have to stay at home and cat sit, before I could even consider going out anywhere. While the cat is still not perfect, she was ok enough for me to spend a night away. So, Thursday night I found a hotel, Friday night I booked a last minute coach and panic-packed, Saturday morning I was on my way to London.

I had been meaning to get together with L for some time now. Weve chatted on and off on tvChix for ages and never quite got any of several plans we had come up with in this time off the ground for one reason or another. At the last minute however we found an opportunity and seized it. After booking the hotel I didnt sleep properly for the two nights before I was due to go, less than 5 hours sleep per night. I was worrying, worrying if I had everything I needed like a decent outfit and all the makeup I would need, worrying about meeting L since I know I struggle sometimes if I dont click with someone, worrying about going outside again in public. I dont know, once id booked the hotel there was no anticipation, only trepidation. What had I let myself in for?

Packing was a struggle, my girlfriend had taken the decent case and we only had massive airport ones which I didnt fancy dragging around London. So I packed a large backpack and large holdall to carry, but had to compromise on what I wanted to take. Still, I managed to squeeze in a day outfit, a night outfit, a few different pairs of shoes as I couldnt decide what to wear, makeup, wig, boobs, and toiletries. Whatever I didnt have I would have to get in London, there was no time to buy anything before leaving.

Saturday morning was horrible, a 6am start to get up for the taxi followed by three and a half hours on a coach. Then traversing London and the underground half asleep carrying heavy bags to get to the hotel. I had booked into the Hilton DoubleTree Tower Hill Hotel, specifically chosen because it was very close to where L was staying. I arrived hoping to just drop my bags off so I could go away and do things before the 3pm check in time, but the room was ready which was excellent. Not only that, but they gave me two complimentary chocolate cookies as well which were delicious, especially after travelling all morning. The room was clean and tidy but nothing special, although bizarrely it had an iMac as an entertainment system. I only needed the room for sleeping though so the room served its purpose.

So after dropping my bags off I made my way across to Trendco as I had been in desperate need of a new wig for a while and decided it was time to get a nice one. It wasnt close and took me a while to get there, but I still ended up there almost an hour earlier than my appointment time. Thankfully they were quiet so they could see me straight away. I was led to a private fitting room at the back of the salon and after describing the kind of wig I was after (straight hair, my natural colour, about shoulder length), he went away and brought in 3 wigs. After trying them on he got two more and then we went round and round whittling them down until I was settled on just one. One looked comical as it was just so big, one I really liked the style but it was very straight and had a straight fringe that would not have looked good with my square face, and while I hadnt even considered having a bob haircut I really liked it, but it was a little more expensive and also my girlfriend likes her hair that length at the moment and I didnt want to be accused of copying her, so I didnt go for it. But, with a little help I did still find a new wig I was really happy with. If you need a wig I would happily recommend them, the guy was really friendly and helpful and as it is a salon they will also happily trim or cut your wig for you too, although I opted against this with mine.

It took about an hour to find a wig, by this time it was mid afternoon and I made my way across to Oxford Circus to meet L who had just got into London but hadnt been to her apartment yet, so still had all her bags on her. We had a quick sandwich and chatted for a little bit before going our seperate ways until later on. I got my eyebrows threaded at the brow bar in John Lewis, the same one I went to last time. I bought some makeup essentials in two seperate Boots and chatted to the girls in there about what I was after, and they never batted an eyelid and were very helpful. I also bought some sparkly ballet flats from New Look as I had chickened out of wearing the heels I had brought with me. Now, I have a suspicion that they thought I was up to no good in there for some reason. I had a good look around the shoe section trying to find the wide fit shoes, then when it came to trying them on annoyingly there were men sat on some of the seats. I chickened out of sitting next to them to try on my shoes so did it stood up in the aisle, and around this time a lady with a walkie talkie just casually walked slowly around where I was, while looking at the racks on the wall. Maybe I was just being paranoid or self conscious, but the timing felt off to me. No matter though, I wasnt getting up to no good and I bought my new shoes for the night.

I went back to my hotel, and set about grooming myself which took ages and the end result once again were depressing. Ive found using a single blade razor on my chest and upper arms significantly lowers the amount of red spots that come up, but I still cant completely remove the hair. Im still left with grey speckles all over my upper body. Also, this also did not help my upper legs where I still get lots of red spots. So I would have to wear black tights and a dress that covered up. The sleeves were not quite long enough but as it was late no-one would have been able to see the little grey spots anyway. After deciding on my outfit I then went to meet L for food. We walked past an unfortunate but amusingly named restaurant called ISIS but settled on a restaurant round the corner from my hotel. By this point it was already about 7.30-8 in the evening, the day had completely ran away from us. It was then that we remembered about another girl E who was interested in meeting us, we let her know we were in town and were going out but unfortunately it was too short notice for her to join us. After food, I went back to the hotel, picked up my outfit and makeup, then went to L's apartment to get ready.

I was actually really happy with how my makeup turned out for a change. Annoyingly the pump on my camouflage cream broke and I almost didnt get enough out to cover my beard, but apart from that I think I looked pretty good! I went horribly wrong with the eyes, I used one of those 3 colour sets which had a glittery pink, silver and black. As per the instructions on the box I used the pink all over the upper eye area above the crease and then the silver on the lid, but there was not enough different between the two and I just looked like I had gone overboard with glitter. So after putting on the black I just wiped off the pink  from above the crease with a face wipe, realised that this actually looked good so I left them like that. I also didnt bother with putting eyeliner on my upper lid either as I know I am terrible at it, and didnt use mascara on the eye lashes on the bottom lid because there are so few of them it just makes them look worse. So I just used eyeliner on the waterline on the bottom lid and mascara on the top, and it seemed to balance out.

Then off out we went. By this point it was llpm so we really didnt have long. After a bit of initial trepidation I was fine being outside, although im sure the cover of darkness helped massively. We accidentally took a more scenic route and realised on the way that as we had been in such a rush to leave I had forgotten to put my jewellery on! It was too late to go back, so we kept going and after a bit more wandering we eventually found our way to Wayout Club at the Mineries. Ive never really been a fan of any of the trans-specific events or club nights ive been to up to this point, but Wayout is probably the most tolerable ive been to so far. It was smaller than we both expected it to be, it has friendly staff, a dancefloor with a DJ playing the usual pop-dance remixes you find in any gay club across the country, and also seating areas that were away from all of that so you could actually speak to people. Bizarrely they were also showing sports including wrestling.


As we got there so late we went straight onto the doubles, found somewhere to sit and just chatted. Initially we sat outside but it got too cold for us and so we went in. We didnt venture onto the dancefloor which is a shame as I wanted to see L's legendary dancefloor clearing moves, but I didnt get her drunk enough in time! :)  I really enjoyed L's company though, we had plenty to talk about and I wish we had a bit longer to be honest. After a few hours Wayout closed and we went back to L's apartment to take a few photos. She had an amazing view of the Shard from her balcony so we had to take advantage of that while we were there. After that, it was time for me to get changed, pack, and go back to my hotel to try and get some sleep before coming back home the next day. I considered getting dressed in my day outfit and walking back to the hotel dressed, but as it was so late that wouldnt have been wise.

Considering it was all very last minute, I had a really good time and would love to do something again soon. While there was so much intense stress and preperation in such a small space of time leading up to what was only a few hours worth of dressing up time, it was totally worth it, and has given me an appetite for more. The question is though, what next? Ive said before that I dont want my trans-life to revolve around trans-specific places, but im fussy enough as it is as a guy.

In other news, im still trying to think of a new name. At this point im trying to think of one that reflects how I feel about myself, I kind of like being in the middle right now, so I was thinking of a name that works for or has a nickname that would be the same for both genders. As an example, Alexandra - Alexander - Alex. Theres a few that come to mind, one of which is a name that has popped up before, so I might decide to use that. Its so difficult trying to come up with something that I know is a name I want to use for the rest of my life. No pressure! :)

MGC 2 Years On: A Retrospective

2 years.

2 years ive been dipping in and out of this blog, recording the very few highs and very many lows of trying to figure out how I can make myself more comfortable on my journey between genders. Since the first retrospective I think there has been progress and I have come to a few realisations, however it feels like every time I eventually manage to move forward, it raises more and more questions.

In July last year I went on my first weekend away to spend entirely dressed up, daytime and night time! I went to Sparkle in Manchester and while I didnt particularly get on with the entertainment or things to do, it was a good introduction to being out and about in public, but in the relative safety of the gay quarter.

Following this was a period of inner turmoil. I was struggling with trying to cope with my gender issues, and in turn this caused my dysphoria and depression to kick back in in a big way. This was different than my last bout of depression, it was a lot more emotional. I eventually had to tell my GP about my trans side, and was prescribed anti depressants to help cope while I was referred to counselling. After a while I had to come off the anti depressants, not because I was better, but because I was not reacting well to them.

My low mood meant for the rest of the year I was finding it difficult to motivate myself to express my female side, since fighting the 'maleness' felt more and more difficult everytime I needed to trim it back, to the point it felt almost futile. I was struggling to find a balance where I was happy with my appearance in either form, and this became a vicious circle.

As we entered 2014, this slowly started to calm down a bit. I finally started counselling over 7 months after referral although by this point I dont think I needed it. I still havent dressed up much this year though, mostly as it feels like a waste to dress up just to sit around the house.

This month I also finally managed to go on my first weekend dressed up in the general public, I went to London and spent a night out in Soho, and a day out wandering through Covent Garden towards the Thames. This was a totally different experience of Sparkle, without being in the relative safety of the gay quarter it was fairly uncomfortable after a while.

To summarise, mentally this past year has been a bit of a rollercoaster for me but it has slowly evened out over this year so far. Experience-wise I have done a couple of quite big things over the past 12 month which I have wanted to do for years. Im really happy I managed to push myself out there to do them, but I dont think I would do them again. So, I am left left thinking "what now?".

Looking Forward

Im still trying to process London so to be honest im not sure where to go from here. While im confident and happy with myself (largely) as a female, im not the kind of person that is happy to put up with the scrutiny I felt I was under when mixing in with 'normal' people. In some ways, this is what I wanted. I wanted to build myself up to be able to go anywhere and do anything dressed up and for it to be and feel normal, but the reactions of the people around me made me feel anything but normal.

So, what now? I dont know. I really dont know.

Sometimes I just think what is the point? What I want is to be seen and accepted as female but that just seems completely unattainable. What is the point of going through the hassle of being trans if I cant achieve the thing im striving to? Most of the time though I try to look at things more realistically, I know my limitations and can work around and accept that I have to deal with them, but this doesnt help when it comes to other people and how they choose to deal with the man in a dress stood in front of them. If im not getting the social feedback from the people around me that correlates to the gender I present as, it makes it more difficult to keep it going mentally.

I dont want to have to limit myself to trans friendly places or private meets, but I think I am out of options.

The Big London Trip

I would have loved this post about my big trip to London to be full of things like: "it was amazing to be out in public as me", "ive never felt free-er", or anything else I usually read elsewhere when they write about this sort of thing, but to be honest the truth was miles away from this. The outcome was not what I expected, and im not sure it is an experience I would want to repeat anytime soon.

This was not the fault of my wonderful companions, J (who came with me to my first night out at BNO) and SH were awesome. Im really glad they made the trip with me, both were very patient and were great company. But, on a personal level I dont feel that putting myself through this weekend was a positive experience, and if anything has left me with more uncertainty than I set out with. The thing is, when I went to Sparkle last year it was out in public, and was something that for its faults I really enjoyed. I was comfortable and happy with being out and about, but this was not the same at all.

Anyway, first here is a rough retelling of the events leading up to and over the weekend, then ill go over the mental gymnastics afterwards.

(This post is likely to be full of contradictions and will probably have a few rambling moments too, please bear with me)

The Lead Up

It was difficult trying to get prepared for the weekend, my shifts at work were pretty solid during the few weeks leading up to it so I had no real time to get organised. I ended up having to book off one more days leave than I wanted to use for the day before I was due to go, just to make sure I had time to at least get some preparation done.

I spent this day getting my upper body waxed, quickly dragging my gf around some shops frantically trying to get some outfits together, going through my clothes trying to find stuff to wear, and packing followed by repacking because of course I couldnt fit everything I wanted to take in my case. As it turns out, the waxing was a waste of time since once again my chest came up in a mass of spots which meant I ended up having to wear high necked clothes anyway. Grrrr.

Friday

I got into London at about 1230 and SH met me at the station. We then tried to make our way across London to our hotel near Oxford St, but got a bit confused by the tube maps! We ended up taking quite a long way around, and had to walk quite a way to get to our destination which considering I had a large backpack and also a case, was no mean feat! J met us at the hotel, and after dropping our stuff off and doing a little unpacking we made our way back towards Oxford St.


Because I was in such a rush I still needed to do a few things before dressing up. So even though they didnt need to do anything, J and SH very patiently came around a few shops with me. I went to boots and used their colour match service to get some new foundation (which is really nice by the way) since my current foundation works very well, but im not sure the skin tone is quite right since the colour always looks a little off. I also picked up some new flats from H&M to wear with my Saturday day outfit, and also went to get my eyebrows threaded at Blinks in John Lewis. Ive never had them done before so this was a new experience for me, also the girl doing it unexpectedly gave me a little head massage at the end which was really, really nice!

We had food out (although I also ended up running back around to boots since I forgot I needed to pick up some mascara) and then we went back to the hotel to change. The plan was to go out into Soho, in particular to a place called Madame Jojo's that someone recommended from Angels forum. We had looked around for other places to go but since we didnt know the area, and from a lack of advertising online, we couldnt really find other places to go.

It was already dark by the time we left the hotel, and it was a colder night than what I was prepared for. We crossed Covent Garden and Soho on foot and made our way towards Madame Jojo's. SH was striding out ahead of us as we made our way across London, this meant that I was able see the occasional double takes and sideways glances that she was attracting. There were not as many as I thought there would be, although SH did mention during the walk that she was getting fed up of people looking at her so maybe I wasnt seeing as many people as she was. For the most part though people were just getting on with whatever they were doing. There were however a lot of people out in various states of rowdiness and this was a little intimidating, however I think this would have been equally as intimidated if I was dressed as a man.

So we got to Madame Jojo's, supposedly this place is T friendly and even has a regular T event there. However, we got to the door only for the bouncer to say "private party tonight" and as we turned away his friend on the door laughed. On their website for that night they advertised a magic show and also a regular music night they do there, there was nothing mentioned about it being a private party that night. As far as we are concerned we were turned away because of how we were dressed, which was bitterly disappointing considering their supposed T credentials. So instead we went to a little gay bar which was next door, and we were the only T girls in there. It was ok, the music swayed from tolerable to cheese to back again fairly quickly, and we just had a few drinks in there and then decided to make our way back to the hotel.

The walk back was colder than it had been earlier in the night, and instead of taking the back streets back we ended up coming out on Oxford St quite a way from the hotel. But because it was so cold we just bared it and faced walking down such a busy high street dressed up!

I was annoyed at how the night turned out, and I think its safe to say that I think J and SH felt the same. 

Saturday

J ended up leaving fairly early on Saturday, she was going to come out with us but decided not to in the end. So after breakfast myself and SH went back out onto Oxford St, I needed to change the shoes I bought for a smaller size (a 6!!!) and also buy a high neck tshirt to cover the spots on my chest I came to realise werent going away. And we also went to see if we could find any casual things for SH to wear on the Saturday day although I dont think her heart was in it really and she didnt end up buying anything.

Throughout our walk it was becoming apparent that the confidence SH had built up was no longer there, and she said she didnt want to dress up for the Saturday daytime. After chatting about it a few times, she agreed to at least dress up ready while I did, and if she still felt like she wasnt up for it I would wait for her to quickly get changed back into her male clothes before we headed out. By the time I was ready she decided she was going to try it. We decided to go for a coffee nearby first before going for the big outing, so we could ease into being out in the daytime.

After the coffee we walked all the way down to Trafalgar Square which was so busy with people we decided to just skim past it and make our way towards the Thames. Being out in the daytime was a completely different experience to the night before. Without the relative safety of nightfall to hide imperfections and also peoples ability to see clearly it makes you very aware of what you are doing, look like, and also the people around you. Like the night before, a lot of people just seemed to not notice or were too polite to look, but quite a few people did and it was a lot more 'in your face'. During out outing I saw a lot of double takes, staring, and even heard people behind me saying things like "thats definitely a bloke!".

When we got to the Thames we crossed over to the Southbank which was an experience, a funnel of people you cant avoid looking at as they pass you. Someone slyly took a photo of me as I passed them as well which I was a bit annoyed about. We stopped for a quick photo opportunity but by the time we get to the south bank I suggested we headed back to the hotel and change back. SH agreed and I think she was equally as happy to do the same. The walk back seemed to take far longer than the walk there, and by the time we got back my feet were hurting because of my new shoes. I was glad to change back.

So, the girls weekend finished early, and the lads carried it on to the end. We went to Camden Lock market, out for food again, then spent the night having one drink in a few of the pubs and bars in Covent Garden before finishing off with a nice curry. We made our way back to the hotel and since SH had to be up early in the morning to catch her train we said our goodbyes.

Whats the Point?

So there were some things I took away from this weekend, some lessons learned, and also more uncertainty about where im going with this whole T second life.

I learned I have far more confidence than I realised, I was quite happy to be out there without a care about what others thought of me. I learned that passing is a myth, unless there has been medical intervention or you were born very lucky, there is no chance at all of 'passing' and you need to be prepared to be scrutinised. I learned that wigs are uncomfortable to wear in the daytime, and also seem to make me feel more fake.

And finally, I learned that I dont think going out in broad daylight and in public is for me. The thing is that confidence is only part of the battle. It was just uncomfortable being under so much scrutiny, of being hyper aware of whats going on around you and how you appear. And apart from the coffee shop (and the lovely polite staff in there as well), I felt intimidated by going into places that were confined and busy which meant we avoided them. Bars and restaurants were off the menu.

Not only that, but to me part of the point of being T is not just wearing the clothes, its trying to get some kind of social interaction and feedback as the gender I am presenting as. But, there is no way I will get that from 'normal' people since most will just not know how to deal with me. Not only that, but I just felt like a fake. I wasnt getting anything that made me feel more connected to my female side at any point throughout the weekend, if anything the opposite was happening. The constant scrutiny was reinforcing the fact that I was definitely not female.

In the end the realisation was that it just isnt worth it.

So what is the point? Where am I going with all this T stuff? I am bored of doing it at home alone, spending hours and a lot of effort getting myself all dressed up for no real reason. I dont like the 'scene' places either, where I feel like the people there (and not only some of the T people) just seem to pander unnecessarily to the stereotypes inflicted upon then. But then it seems that going out in public is also not enjoyable either.

Maybe I was just being too ambitious. But, I cant think of any other options.

What to Wear

The hotel is now paid, so im totally committed to going. Scary but so exciting! :)

In preperation of the upcoming London trip I have been trying to buy some new clothes. I wanted to try and blend in/not stand out as much as possible in the daytime wearing trousers and a top with a zip up hoodie I have bought, and then maybe wear a dress for the evenings with some flats.

I tried on some outfits today and unfortunately when I wear trousers my figure just looks too boyish. Ive never really wanted to get hip pads before now but seeing myself look like this has certainly made me reconsider. Im already using prosthetics on my chest, so why not on my hips as well? I know im never going to be convincing but its just too much. I have bought a casual skirt that I really like that I was going to wear as a backup with some leggings, but it just sticks to the leggings and I dont really fancy going bare legged. I havent tried it with tights but I guess the result will be just the same.

I was on the lookout for some smart, going out flats I could wear out since I know ill probably chicken out of wearing heels in the night time (although I will take them anyway, just in case) but had no luck finding any. I also want to get some new makeup as well, although im not sure what to buy. Any recommendations?

I also bought some new boobs from the breastform store, their gold seal forms. I have to say, they are a massive step up from the bosom friends forms I have been using for the past few years. The shape is so much better on the chest, and I like the feel of them. The only thing is they slightly stick out at the top where the seam is, and this can sometimes be seen through my tops if im not paying attention. They are meant to be attached to my chest, ill have to see about maybe just sticking the top of them down.

So back to London... there are a few things im looking to possibly do but im not sure the best places to go.

• Im looking to get a new wig
• Im looking to get my nails done, possibly a manicure
• Im looking to possibly get my makeup done one night

Does anyone have experience of doing these things in the capital? Where is good to go to?

A Girls Weekend Away - London

Ive been slowly planning a weekend in London with a few online t girl friends and today I put the money down and paid for my train tickets. Its official, on Friday the 2nd May im going.

Let the stress begin! :)

There are so many things to plan, confirm and worry about on the lead up to it and ive got so little time off work between now and then I dont know where or how to start.

We will be there from early Friday afternoon and then be coming back on Sunday. First and most importantly, I have to decide what im going to wear! Should I wear heels on the nights out? What can I wear so I look feminine enough without standing out too much, especially in the daytime? What makeup will look ok? Will my walk be feminine enough? (unlikely)

Then there are the activities. What shall we actually do? What shall we go and see? Where shall we eat? Where shall we drink? And where can we go to the loo? :)

Then there are also the preparations as well. Shall I get a full body wax because of the reaction I have to shaving? Shall I get my nails done professionally? (Ive always wanted a manicure) What clothes do I need to make me look like I blend in?

So many things to worry about, so little time. If anyone has any suggestions or ideas I would love to hear them!

Counselling Referral

Its been 6 months since I told my GP about what I was going through at the time, and when she referred me to counselling she said the waiting list would be about 6 months. After a few months I hadnt heard anything and thought that they must have lost the letter I returned or they forgot about me. However this week a letter arrived from my GP saying I was still on the list, asking if I still needed the counselling, and if that was the case then to return the letter but that the wait would be about another 3 months!

Im in two minds really. I know im in a far better place than I was 6 months ago with regards to how I feel about my gender, but im not perfect. There is still an underlying sadness but it isnt as in my face as it was before, its definitely bearable. But how do I know im not going to go back 'there' in future?

I suppose im more frustrated at life than I am with my gender at the moment. Im still yet to start a lot of my new years resolutions, the ones I have started have crashed and burned very quickly.

Im planning on (hopefully) going to London at some point soon for a t-girls weekend, theres still details to iron out but it could be a lot of fun. However the girls I am planning it with live on the other side of the country to me, and while the occasional trip with them would be brilliant, I need something more regular and local-ish too to give me some regular girl time.

I sound like a broken record, skipping over the same frustrations time and time again. I know im the only one that can do something about it but I just havent had time to sit down and properly plan.

Another New Year

I hope you all enjoyed your New Years festivities, and that your 2013 went well and your 2014 goes much better!

So this is it, 2013 is now over. It feels like every year is passing a lot faster than the last and I get the impression things time is only going to accelerate with each year that passes. Ive just been over the new years resolutions I made last year and also thinking about the things I wanted to change about my real life as well and while there have been a few definite high points these are very rare in what has been another slow and low year with no real sustained movement in my trans-life. Some of this can be blamed on work, with my horrible shift pattern getting in the way of having social time, but the rest can be blamed on me being apathetic or miserable at my state of affairs. My enthusiasm for life just seemed to tail off pretty quickly as the year progressed. However, towards the end of this year I seem to have started to find my mojo again so heres hoping 2014 will be different.

Out of the 12 trans-resolutions I made last new year, I only managed to do 3 and even then not fully:

• Get body waxed (well, I got my chest and arms waxed)
• Get a new wig
• Go on a long weekend away to spend totally as Aimee (I went to Sparkle, but I didnt get to spend the whole weekend 24 hours a day dressed up)

And to be honest, compared to some of the others these seemed like the easiest to do. So this year once again I want to make resolutions, and will be using what I didnt complete last year as a starting point:
 

• Start and maintain an exercise regime to keep fit without adding bulk. Start with things I can do at home after work like some simple stretching to increase flexibility, then go onto something like Yoga or Pilates, before maybe going onto something like jogging 3 times a week
• Look at my diet and try to eat a little healthier. Cut out chocolate and look for things to snack on that arent full of sugar or salt. Im fussy so this wont be easy
• Work on feminine mannerisms and movement somehow
• Start and maintain a proper face routine, need to improve facial skin quality
• Regularly shave my face (around every 2-3 days), do it after work if I find mornings too tight
• Look into permanent (well, semi permanent) beard removal
• Regularly keep my body hair in check
• Get eyebrows tidied professionally and maintain
• Get a new wig (yes I want another one, maybe a bit shorter this time)
• Expand my social circle and meet people face to face more regularly
• Go to a spa day
• Go to Boots and have a chat with them about their hair retention program, with the aim of growing my hair out
• Get a manicure and possibly a pedicure
• Go out at least bi-monthly, whether its to a T friendly bar or a daytrip somewhere, even if I have to go alone
• Go on a long weekend away to spend dressed up 24 hours a day
• Go clubbing as Aimee, and by clubbing I mean to a 'straight' night, not a T or Gay venue
• Post on this blog once every week

So, not a small list by any means. :)

As I made note of last year, the lifestyle changes are the ones im going to find more difficult to take on board, and I proved it too! Im hoping by being more specific in what I want to do, and the times to do it I can make them more realistic and in turn, more likely for me to complete. I had a lot of real life distractions last year that got in the way, im determined that this year is going to be a fresh start for me. I want to get to a point where by the end of this year im happy (well as happy as I can be) with my female presentation, but im not going to get there without putting in some work. And im hoping that some of these changes will also positively impact my real life too.

This Time... Its Me...

Fuck it.

I was meant to be going to Bristol tonight to Gloscats with a few people, this was going to be my first opportunity to go to a local-ish trans social group in an effort to try and expand my circle of friends. Ive spent all afternoon planning, sorting, packing, re-packing, pruning, grooming, shaving, plucking and more. But now im not going, and this time im doing it to myself.

There have been so many failed plans in the past but this time im going to be the one that lets everyone down. Since coming to terms with this side of me two years ago I have never backed out of a meet intentionally. As much as it was against my nature I always pushed myself out that door in an effort to force myself past any barriers I would normally put up in front of myself. Ive been to meet random people in their houses for the first time. Ive been dressed in front of my gf. Ive been clubbing. Ive even been outside in broad daylight in the middle of a city. Today though, I just cant do it.

I am so annoyed. So, so annoyed.

Ive spent a significant part of the afternoon looking in the mirror, trying but failing to soften my masculinity. Gradually as the afternoon has worn on ive just reached a point of giving up. There is hair everywhere and my arms and tops of my chest are raw from trying to shave it all off, but still the hair persists. Patches of long hair where the razors wouldnt catch them, patches of stubble beyond the razors reach but visible under the skin, and patches of redness and blood where my razor got too close. My face is covered in cuts and is raw from trying to get a close shave, yet even though my face feels relatively smooth around the spots of dried blood I can still see the little black spots of my beard under the skin, taunting me. And when it came to shaping my eyebrows I just thought what is the point.

Looking in the mirror and seeing this mess in front of me, still hairy from my chest down, patchy, blotchy and spotty on my arms and from the chest up, has just made me so annoyed. After spending hours trying to prune back the signs of an ageing male ive given up. If I was just dressing at home I would probably not see it as big as an issue, but im meant to be going out in public and I just feel like a mess. Am I aiming to high I really dont know, but I dont want to be seen as a 'bad tranny', I want to look the best I can and im just not feeling like im there, in fact I feel that im not even close.

I know this is covering old ground but im so angry about this I just need to vent again. I dont think my recent state of mind has helped things really either.

Pride

Cardiff Mardi Gras is just around the corner. On Saturday 31st August there will be a celebration of LGBT diversity and equality around the city centre starting with a parade throughout the city centre, followed by an event in the millenium stadium, and then finally later on in the evening a street party around where the cities gay bars are located. Will I be attending? Well, no. Im working throughout the day on Saturday anyway but could potentially make it to the evening event, however, I wont be.

Im proud of who I am as a person. Im proud of being trans*. But I wont be going to Cardiffs equivalent of Pride. Its a difficult thing being proud of who I am as a person and what makes me unique, but being unable to show that part of me to anyone outside the 4 walls of my home in case people close to me or my partner found out. Having to hide something I take pride in really bugs me.

Its difficult to feel part of a community that I also have to keep at arms length. Going away from my local area makes things easier but in Cardiff I could never attend any LGBT events while showing my true rainbow colours. I work with quite a few gay people and we get on brilliantly, but I also work with close friends as well. If I became a regular face at any night spots or events, word would soon get around im sure. This is so frustrating as being able to go out in my local area would make my life so much easier but I just couldnt take the risk.

I could attend Mardi Gras if I really wanted to. These events are open to LGBT supporters as well as the community and I could make up any number of excuses why I am there but as appealing as the idea of attending is, being there under the pretense of being a supporter wouldnt feel right. Plus I would find it difficult to explain to people I know why I am there when that kind of thing is the polar opposite of what I find entertaining.

The line-up for the main event seems to be full of b-list X-Factor drop outs, gay circuit entertainers, and other semi-pro performers and they are charging £8 per ticket to go see them. Mardi Gras used to be free however since going to the Millenium Stadium it appears not to be the case anymore. Im not exactly a fan of this kind of 'gay friendly' entertainment having experienced similar at Sparkle, so its not exactly enticing me to go.

I do find it quite interesting though that being a member of the LGBT community seems to mean also conforming to its own sub-culture. It should be enough that someones sexuality or gender identity doesnt conform, but there is also a dress code, particular music and entertainment tastes, and so on. Its a shame I dont like any of it. Cant someone be gay and enjoy a bit of Hardcore Techno instead of Britney Spears? ;)

Coming Clean

I think I need to sit down with my partner and have a chat about my T side at some point although I think it will take time to build up to this. She knows I have to dress up and I get a bit depressed about it sometimes, but I dont think she realises the thought processes that go through my head and the daily struggles I have with it. I have intentionally been vague with her and I am shielding her from it. A while back she told me in conversation that she got over all her insecurities and is absolutely fine with having Aimee about, and im worried that being open with her about this would ruin the stability we have found. At the same time, I dont know what the future holds for me and its unfair to withhold this information from her as she cant make informed decisions about what is right for her.

My Weekend At Sparkle 2013

So this is going to be quite a lengthy post about my weekend at Sparkle, I think overall I had a good time but am having difficulty justifying going again. There were definitely pros and cons but im having difficulty deciding which one tips the scales.

The Weekends Events

I spent the whole weekend in the company of my friends ML and CP who live near me, and who I have met once or twice before. Ive actually been out with ML before when we went to BNO in Milton Keynes last year. We journeyed up to Manchester by train and met one of their friends Nancy at Piccadilly Station. Nancy knew Canal Street and was sharing a room with CP for the first night but had to go home Saturday lunch time. She walked with us to the hotel, we checked in, and then we made our way to our rooms. Myself and ML were on the third floor in separate rooms although just across the hall from each other, and CP and Nancy were on the first.

For the first night I thought I would dress a little more casual so I wore my new blue dress with spots on it, leggings and sandals. When I was ready, I met Maya and then we made our way down to CP and Nancys room to meet them. When we were all ready we then made our way towards the hotel lobby which was down a flight of stairs just around the corner from their room.

It was quite a feeling hearing the roar of the hotel lobby getting louder knowing I was dressed as a woman, it was broad daylight and that there were a lot of people down there. We were all lined up walking down the stairs, then carried on out of the building, and I was at the back of the line. I was a tiny bit nervous but for some reason I was feeling really confident and just went for it. We were making our way across the lobby and there was no fuss or anything, but my first time in public in daylight was never going to be so easy. As we got to the door there was a massive gang of teenage girls just hanging around outside the door who saw us, and we were greeted by laughing, giggling, squealing and more. There was no escape, we just had to push through them and keep walking! The thing is though is that it never really bothered me, I actually found the whole situation quite entertaining to be honest! Its just my luck that this would happen!

So we then made our way to the famous Canal Street which conveniently happened to be just around the corner from our hotel. Its basically just one massive long street which has tons of gay bars, clubs, restaurants and hotels and it was very busy with all sorts of people, gay men, lesbian women, straight people just passing through and t-girls in all shapes, sizes, and different degrees of gender expression. It was definitely a sight to behold! We managed to get a seat at a table outside a restaurant and had food out in the sun. It was really nice to be able to do something normal and enjoy being outdoors the way that I was. While chatting and eating I was quite happy just watching the world go by, and taking in the variety of people. Afterwards then we spent the evening checking out a few of the bars and clubs along Canal Street, before finally ending up in Napoleons where Nancy was meeting a friend of hers. The only problem with the bars and clubs on Canal Street is that they all seem to play the same music, which seems to be the campier the better, and always loud! A bit of choice would have been nice, im sure not all people in the LGBT community only like music like that, and having somewhere quieter to go would have been nice too.

On Saturday we had breakfast in drab so we could see Nancy off, and then went to get ready to go to the Sparkle in the Park event. I settled on my brown and blue stripey dress and decided that since it was such a nice day I would have my legs out, and this was a decision I did not regret. It felt amazing to feel the breeze flowing around me wearing a dress, its definitely something I could get used too! One mistake I made was to take a leather handbag, those things can heat up quickly in the sun and can make you sweat! After getting ready we made our way down to the park which was actually situated near the end of Canal Street, so we really didnt have far to go to get there. The event was made up of stalls along one end of the park, selling clothes and wigs, and promoting TG social and support groups. And then at the other end was the stage with all sorts of music, drag, and dancing acts on. I will be honest, I thought the majority of the entertainment was pretty poor. Im not a fan of cabaret, as often it is very amateurish and far too camp for my liking. Also, im not a fan of drag queens either, I think they help perpetuate the comedic image that we are often associated with. There was one act on though that was actually really good though, a lone female singer and acoustic guitarist, although I forgot their name unfortunately. It was the most 'normal' act that I saw while I was there and they were definitely talented. One irritation though were the amount of cameras there, a lot of people were taking sly photos as well without the subjects knowledge, myself included. No doubt my face is now plastered across a few corners of the internet although I suppose im not really too bothered by that, im more bothered about if I looked good or not! Plus, I want copies!

Something I was surprised to see there though was quite a lot Furries dotted about the place. Ive got nothing against them at all, ive worked with a few over the years and got to know one of them quite well too, and he was a really nice guy. They are harmless, I was just surprised to see them there. Will we see LGBT becoming LGBTF in the near future? ; )

Later on in the afternoon we then made our way back to the hotel via a restaurant on Canal Street and proceeded to get ready for the evening. After stressing over what to wear I decided on my new Numph grey and black dress and decided I wanted my bare legs out again I reapplied my makeup and then we made our way back to Canal Street for another night of drinking and dancing. I actually quite liked a club called View, it was definitely less camp than most places on Canal Street and had on some dance music I felt I could put up with, but I felt very old in there! For the first time that weekend I had a little go at trying to dance and think I did ok, it turns out that if I tone down how I used to dance when going to Hard House events many years ago the footwork is very similar, I just had to do less with my arms. After a while though we ended up in Napoleons again since its fairly quiet in the downstairs room, and we had a few drinks before heading back to the hotel. We almost had a quick drink in the hotel bar but it looked a little busy and I dont think ML or CP were too keen on the idea.

All over the weekend, the people there were really nice and friendly. Staff in every bar and restaurant always used female pronouns when addressing us, and didnt look at us any differently than they would their other patrons. It was a nice feeling to be accepted this way at face value. On the flip side of this however are the 'admirers'. I was told by CP on Saturday that on our first night in Napoleons I was getting a lot of stares from men who were there, and at one point she deliberately stood in the way of someone who was trying to make a beeline for me. Im not sure what to think of this really but I suppose it is to be expected that at some point I am going to have to deal with men. I just hope that they accept that no means no.

On Sunday we checked out an hour early so we could grab some breakfast on the way, but then we had some major travel issues getting back. We were meant to change twice, with 15 mins at each stop to find the next train, however there were some complications. After our first change, there was a problem with the line in the middle of nowhere and we were stranded for about 20-25 minutes, then when we got to the next stop the train was so late that they just cancelled it, by this point we had missed the connection we were meant to have made. We then had to wait for another train to take us to where we were meant to change to get our final train to our destination. When we got there, we were in an unfamiliar station and when we finally found a board with the train times we found we had 5 minutes to catch the next train going our way! Just to complicate things, the platform number was not signposted anywhere apart from round a corner above a lift with a queue in front of it, which was apparently the only way to get to the platform! By the time we got down to the platform the doors were just closing but someone on the train kindly opened them for us, phew! What a nightmare!

Ponderous Thoughts

So over the course of the weekend I had a lot of time to ponder about my take on the trans scene, the people in it, and my place in it too as a straight part timer. On the one hand, its difficult for me to see myself as a regular on the scene because of the inextricable link to the gay scene. Just because im dressed as a woman doesnt suddenly make me want to dance round my handbag to high camp disco classics like 'its raining men'! But this seems to be what some (most?) t-girls want to do for entertainment.

I suppose in some ways though I think there is still some inner turmoil around what I am trying to get out of this too. Some of the t-girls I saw over the course of the weekend were stunning, and I dont just mean in looks, but in movement and speech too. Then there were the natal females too who were out on their girls nights out drinking and dancing, and next to them was me, who certainly looked the part but wasnt in the same frame of mind as them. I couldnt help but compare myself to the girls around me, I want to be like them in body and mind but it is a futile struggle to try and achieve that, I just cant seem to make myself 'femme' enough to get anywhere near that level, and I dont think this is just a physical thing, but a mental thing too. The thing is, a lot of the other t-girls seemed to be having no problems with this. They looked the part, acted the part, and were really getting into being their feminine selves but I just dont think I am feminine enough. My male mind seems to only want to go so far and it rebels at the thought of acting and thinking femininely. I suspect this might have been because of the company I was with, some kind of silly male pride in front of people I know. If I was alone I may have found it a lot easier!

So what is the point of dressing up if in the back of my mind I dont want to be feminine? The thing is, im not sure this is entirely the case. Some of these people have years and years of experience, maybe I just need to keep doing it and practice? After all, ive got 31 years of being a man to try and and unravel a little. Practicing isnt going to change my taste in music (thankfully) but I might be able to at least get myself in a more feminine state of mind, and loosen up a little. Something to try on my next outing perhaps? It just feels a little fake to camp up my act a bit, although im sure this would get easier with time.

One positive realisation I had afterwards was how normal it felt to be out like this. Being out in public dressed up didnt bother me at all. Even though the majority of the time it was in the safe haven of the gay village, we still had to walk down a few busy roads to get there and I wasnt fazed at all!

Social Anxiety

I knew this weekend was going to test my social anxiety, and I wasnt wrong. Being dressed up in the middle of the day on a busy Manchester high street, no problem. Talking to people? A bigger challenge apparently! Over the weekend I met Nancy who was someone new, and also bumped into AP who I have chatted to on Angels and Flickr in the past, and also Davina who I chat to occasionally on tvChix.

In all 3 cases I found conversing really difficult. If we were chatting one on one I dont think I would have had much of a problem but being in a group made me hyper aware of what I was saying because of the audience. Because my brain was over-analysing everything I found myself mixing words up or saying the wrong thing, which then just made me feel stupid even if I knew it was just a minor thing and this caused me to just over-analyse even more. More often than not I just avoided conversation all together. This was easier with Nancy since she knew ML and CP already so I could leave the conversation to them. However, with AP it would have been rude not to try and make conversation with her but with the audience I found it quite difficult to engage brain. Davina I was meant to be meeting over the weekend anyway but I randomly bumped into her twice on Saturday. She was someone that only I knew out of our group, which was even worse because all I could think of was ML and CP standing there listening to what I was saying. I just felt on the spot and was over conscious of every single word that fell out of my mouth. After a quick chat I made excuses and we went on our way, I probably came across as a little rude (and if you ever read this im sorry!) but I was really struggling!

I do want to take this opportunity to apologise to Becca, who takes the time to comment on here and give me advice when im struggling, and who was at Sparkle as well and would have liked to meet up. I could have made more of an effort to meet with you and I really would have liked to as well, but I just wasnt comfortable with the social circumstances I was in over the weekend. I just felt awkward and I didnt want to leave you with any kind of negative impression of me like I probably had with others I had met over the course of the weekend.

Ah, being mental is fun!

Final Thoughts

Well, Sparkle is an amazing event to go to if you ever want to finally leave the safety of your own home dressed as your female self. Its safe, accommodating and friendly. You dont need to worry if you look good or bad, since there are many people there with varying degrees of style and convincing-ness,  and you will be accepted as the person you are presenting as. As long as your are comfortable that is all that matters.

Since I dont really feel a part of 'the scene' and dont have many people I would use it as an excuse to meet up with, im not sure I would make the effort to go again. But it has definitely filled me with the confidence to go elsewhere. The only questions now is, where?

What To Wear, What To Prepare....

There is just over a week to go till Sparkle and im still no closer to figuring out what to wear or what to prepare. Its stressing me out a little now. The loose plan is to go out for food followed by a bar on the Friday night, maybe take it easy so we wont be struggling the next day. Then Saturday have lunch and go to the Sparkle day event, and then for the evening try and find some kind of alternative place to go to. Im trying to find some dresses/outfits that will be cool enough in case it is warm, but also cover my arms and chest because of my spots.

They are still spotty from the last time I shaved them a month ago and im thinking im going to have to plan my outfits accordingly. I have booked in to get my upper torso waxed next week just in case they have gone down enough but I am not holding my breath. I did want to go for a full body wax but my girlfriend isnt happy with that idea. She said me being totally smooth makes her uncomfortable, and while I have been totally shaved before she isnt happy with waxing it all because it will last much longer. I was a little annoyed at this since I really wanted to go all out for Sparkle, but it looks like I will just have to make do. I should be happy enough she lets me get away with what I do as it is.

Anyway, back to the outfits. I ordered a few things the others day which arrived and once again will be sending most of it back. Ive also ordered a few dresses from Amazon which should arrive tomorrow and might order a few more items today. I seem to have a thing for a brand called Numph lately, I really like their style and the prints they use. For the evenings, im thinking dresses and sandals, and for the Saturday day I think I might wear some trousers, sandals and a top. Im going to stay away from heels I think, although I might stretch to getting some low wedges. These are the dresses ive got/are getting:

In other news, on Sunday it is my male sides birthday (my T side is 4 days after), and to celebrate getting one year older me and my girlfriend are going to a spa for the morning. Im getting a deep tissue back massage, a scalp massage, and a facial too. That will be a nice way to loosen up before the next weekends stressing out. Afterwards some lunch and then we are just going to town to do some shopping, I have pre-warned her I want to pick things up for Sparkle so we will be out shopping for Aimee, and she is fine with this. It is my birthday after all! Then a meal with a few close friends and thats it, an early night then work the next day. I could have a party and invite loads of people but to be honest I dont like making a big deal out of it all, im quite happy keeping it low key. I havent even told or reminded most of my friends just so no fuss will be made.

2 Weeks To Go Till Sparkle

Ive been busy trying to figure out what I need to buy and prepare for before Sparkle. Ive bought a gaff from The Breasform Store which really does seem to help keep everything in check down there, but tucking is certainly uncomfortable. I cant cross my legs like this! Its definitely been easier as the day has gone on though. Ive also bought some sticky pads from there as well to stick my boobs down, but because of the material my boobs are made from (some kind of rubber, not silicone), im not sure ill be able to get the pads off again as the glue is meant to be quite strong.

I have also been practicing my makeup, the priority today was getting my foundation right and I think I have nailed it. The routine is as follows:

• Shave as close as possible (foam with the grain, oil against the grain)
• Toner
• Wait 5-10 mins
• Moisturiser
• Wait 5-10 mins
• Primer
• Wait another 5-10 mins
• Red lipstick for colour correction of beard shadow
• Keromask camouflage cream dabbed over beard with sponge
• Edges blended with finger
• Keromask transparent powder over the cream
• MAC gel foundation brushed on all over face and neck
• Edges blended with finger again
• Boots transparent powder brushed on top.

Its definitely the most natural ive managed to look so far, and looks far less caked on around my beard than usual. The only problem is when blending on the bottom of my neck it is paler than my face, so there is a noticeable mark where the foundation ends below my beard shadow.

I was going to get waxed in the week before going, but I still have red and sore razer bumps and/or ingrown hairs on my shoulders from the last time I shaved, I dont know if it would be a good idea to go in case it makes then worse. This then opens up the problem of how I am going to the hair from those areas before I go. Im desperately treating them every day with ingrown hair solution but they just arent going anywhere!

Im still deciding on outfits to wear as well, I think I might wear my blue leopard print dress on the Friday night, my white and blue spotty vest on the Saturday day with a skirt, and maybe a black slinky dress Saturday night, but im still undecided. I need to find out what the others are wearing to be honest. However depending on how my hair removal goes I may not be able to wear some of the things I want to.

Sparkle 2013

Well, ive just put my card details down and booked a hotel room in Manchester from July 12th to the 14th with the aim of going to Sparkle this year. Im actually feeling pretty calm about going, but for how long!

I can already picture what im going to be thinking over the next few weeks during the lead up to Sparkle. Im ok now but as the pressure mounts I can imagine something along the lines of:

Clothes - I need to decide on and/or buy 2 day and 2 night outfits for the weekend, plus I need to buy more shoes. Do I wear dresses in the day? Shorts? Tights or leggings? Heels or flats? How dressed up shall I be for the evenings? Shall I get my nails done properly? I need to get more accessories as well.

Paranoia - Will my outfits look ok? Will my makeup look terrible (this is one of my biggest worries!)? Will I be walking like a man in bad drag? Will I get mocked and laughed at by the general public? I dont want to be seen as a 'bad-tranny'!

Social Anxiety - Will I bump into people I know from online? Will I find common ground in conversation with them? Will I get on with them or bore them? Where will we be going? What will we be doing?

Ha, reading back the above does make me sound a little mental doesnt it, but I genuinely have minor issues with social anxiety. I had it really bad when I was struggling with depression last year and it is a lot better now than it was then, but I still have to fight it sometimes. Somehow I dont seem to have a problem with it in work where I manage a team and regularly have to deal with new people and situations, but when it comes to my personal life it seems more difficult to manage and I cant get a handle on why.

Anyway... Weve booked in at the Malmaison which is a little out the way and a little expensive too, but it looks like a really nice hotel. A lot of the offers available to Sparkle attendees and closer hotels were already taken when I looked into booking, I took too long making my mind up whether to go or not. There are some cheaper places that still have rooms available but to be honest it will be nice to stay in a nice hotel. They do have a spa there and im considering booking in to get my nails done while I am there, ive never had my nails done properly before and its something ive wanted to do for a long time! Im sure they wouldnt have a problem with this!

Something I need to look at beforehand as well is body hair removal. My chest and the tops of my arms are very sensitive to shaving, and come up in large and sore spots when I shave them. Since shaving them a few weeks back the spots are still there, although I am currently covering them with Sudocrem every day (yes its for babies but ive heard it helps because its antiseptic). I think since its a special occasion im going to have to fork out to get my body waxed a few days before going because if the weather is good I want to get my pins out! I just hope the waxing doesnt cause a similar reaction!

A Few Little Things

We didnt end up going to Bristol again the other night. Right at the last minute it all seemed to fall apart which is a shame. I was extremely nervous about going but it would have been an experience good or bad, and I would have at least like to have tried it. Its kind of my fault because I cant get changed at home and leave from here and I was relying on being able to change at other peoples homes, but that plan kind of fell through, and the backup plan too. These things happen! We are talking about trying again on the 22nd, and this time we will book a hotel room on the way there to use as a makeshift changing room. Hopefully this will avoid a repeat situation.

I didnt totally waste my time though. Since id shaved, pampered, plucked my eyebrows and even painted my nails, I spent the day yesterday wearing a skirt with my legs out. I dont think ive actually done that at all in my trans* career yet so far since I was always hiding hair or it was too cold, and it was really nice to do it. I look forward to more opportunities this summer! Hopefully this summer ill actually be able to get out and about in the sun with my legs out, rather than hiding at home!

I wanted to take advantage of the light and the effort id put into dressing up so I thought id take a few new portrait photos, and I figured out an easy way of getting decent shots since I usually take loads and often they look wrong (wrong face position, bad light, etc). It took me ages to figure this out and I dont know why I didnt think of it sooner, its so obvious. I just recorded a video and took screenshots of the moments I liked best. Genius! Im really happy with the way that these shots turned out too, they arent the highest resolution but for what I want them for im happy with that. Im also no longer watermarking my photos either, its a lot of hassle and I dont really see the point anymore. I used to really worry about my photos being misused but I think ive calmed down about that now.

And finally on the makeup side of things I have been using Keromask camouflage cream the past few times I have dressed up, its definitely a far better coverage on my beard shadow than anything else I have used so far, but it still doesnt look quite right. It says it is a foundation but I have been using it as a concealer and putting my normal foundation (MAC gel foundation) on top. The end result is a little greasy but it might be the way im layering it. I want to post my own little review of it but will wait until ive been able to experiment a little more and have had a chance to try a few different techniques, but if I can get it looking right then this might actually be the miracle beard cover I have been looking for.

Summers here and I hope this year Aimee gets to actually see some of it!!! 

Going Out Attempt Number 2

So it looks like Bristol is back on the cards again, and we are planning on going on Tuesday! Thats the day after tomorrow! It was planned on very short notice and the whole group of 4 of us are free to go as well, plus we will be meeting someone there as well!

Im nervous. Really, really nervous. I know people in Bristol that live and work in the city centre (in fact very close to where we are going), what if I bump into them?

Ive been frantically practicing my eye makeup today in an effort to be at least half decent at it before Tuesday but I couldnt get anywhere with it. I was putting it on and taking it off so much the skin around my eyes are now raw from where I have been rubbing them with wipes. I dont know where im going wrong with it to be honest, ive followed a few tutorials, tried a combination of colours, brushes and techniques and every time I looked like id been punched in the face with a paint tray. Also because of the shape of my eyes, whenever I put eyeliner on my top eyelid it is pretty much all you can see when my eyes are open.

I think ill just put eyeliner on the bottom lid and mascara on my eyelashes on the top lid because I can do them fault free. As far as the shadow goes though, I dont know what to do to be honest.

The Best Laid Plans....

Well it looks like Bristol isnt happening. Our original group very quickly whittled down to just the two of us, and due to a few factors we decided it was best to postpone our night out.

On the one hand im a little dissapointed, ive spent a lot of time this week stressing, nearly not going, then persuading myself to go again. And today I went to get a hot shave in a barbers (which I shall talk about shortly), went shopping in town with my amazing girlfriend who helped me pick out some accessories and makeup, tweezed my eyebrows and also spent a good hour shaving myself too. It seems like a lot of effort gone to waste. On the other hand its probably a good thing because ive bought a load of new makeup and havent had a chance to test it yet. It could have all gone horribly wrong and I wouldnt have a chance to fix it. It does mean that tonight I will have plenty of time to test it now so I know if itll work for next time, which will make me a lot more confident.

So back to the barbers. I opted for a hot/wet shave with a pre-shave facial, which to be fair felt really good. When I sat in the chair the girl had a look at my face and said that it looks like ive got really sensitive skin because she could see irritation all over my neck from the last time I shaved, which considering I havent shaved since the previous weekend means it must have been quite bad. The facial was very nice but the shave was not so good, although I dont think I can blame the barbers themselves. The guy who shaved my face said that he got as close as he could but didnt want to go too close to the bone because he could see my face reacting. He asked if I wanted him to continue but I said that was ok for him to stop because at that point my face was pretty raw.

My girlfriend met me in town after my shave and she mentioned about how bad my neck looked after the shave, and after getting home and inspecting his handiwork while my face feels smoother the stubble was pretty noticeable, I think I can get a slightly better shave myself at home. Again, I dont think that is the barbers fault but I dont think I will be going to one again.

One thing that has come out of this though is that while we were walking back home my girlfriend said that she understands the discomfort I go through shaving my face, she had been thinking about it and decided that if I really wanted to get my beard lasered then I could. It was very unexpected and I love her so much for giving me permission to have it done, ive wanted to do it for a long time but she wasnt comfortable with the idea of me not having facial hair anymore. Ive told her for a long time how much my facial hair bothers me, and I think finally seeing the fact that not even professionals could do a good job has made her realise that it isnt fair on me to not have the option of doing it.

Plans For This Month

So it appears I might actually be going for a night out at the end of this month in nearby Bristol. Im not too sure of the exact plan at this point but I only have 2 days off work between now and then to plan and prepare, so I better get a move on!

I need to decide on an outfit, pick up accessories, a bag and maybe some new shoes. I need to finally get around to tidying up these eyebrows of mine. I need to practice eye shadow, eye liner and drawing in my brows too. We then need to figure out where we are going, how we are getting there, where we are getting ready, and how long we are staying for or maybe even if we are staying over. I also need to look at maybe getting my chest and arms waxed too, if not my whole body, and getting a cut-throat shave on the day. Im not going to be going to some T venue this time, im going to be out in a city centre on a Saturday night so I want to make sure I look decent.

The pressure is on!

My First Girls Night Out

This weekend I went on a girls night out to a popular Trans venue for my first public outing as Aimee with a few people I have met face to face before, and a few I havent. It was an interesting experience, and one which pretty much lived up to my expectations.

At the hotel beforehand, after I got changed and was ready I went downstairs to see some of our group that was staying in another room. It was my first time leaving a private space dressed and I didnt bump into anyone on the way there. On the way back to my room moments later I heard someone walking behind me, as I walked through a door I held it open and looked behind me as I did so. The man gave me quite a funny look but I just said 'here you go mate' in my normal male voice and then kept walking trying to suppress the smirk on my face. I realised that not only did I not care what he thought, but I actually found it quite amusing that I got that kind of reaction out of him.

The club was actually a really nice venue with very friendly staff although I didnt care for the music. If it was a straight venue and I wasnt Trans, I wouldnt go out to this kind of club at all. It was also a bit weird being in a club with a large number of Transgender girls of all different types, and this took a while to get used to (hypocritical I know!). As I thought I didnt make any new friends while I was there, typically people dont go to clubs to make friends, they go to socialise with existing ones.

The following day we went to a day event the same venue was also holding. I checked out of the hotel dressed up and the staff were brilliant, taking it in their stride. While we were packing stuff into the car there was a guy having a cigarette eyeing us up with a bit of a dirty look and again it didnt bother me at all. The day event was pretty boring so we only stuck around for a bit before getting changed and heading back.

Something I did find weird is I think my mind does seem to rebel occasionally from doing typically feminine things when dressed. I wanted to check my face to see if my wig still looked ok but it took me ages to convince myself it was ok to get my mirror out of my bag to check, and when I did I felt very self conscious at what I was doing. The same happened when I wanted to top up my lipgloss. It was very irrational. I also need to think about my mannerisms and how far I want to take them. I said to the group throughout the weekend that as I would have no chance of passing, I dont see the point of working on my voice because people would be able to suss me out before I even open my mouth. And as far as the mannerisms goes apart from the basics like walking in heels, I would probably not work on them either as I am just me when dressed. However one of our group who I had not met beforehand looked very convincing when dressed up and also moved very femininely, seeing this got me thinking. As we were driving back I came to the realisation that the movement does seem like an important part of it and I should make more of an effort to try and move a bit more femininely, but I will still leave my voice as it sounds.

The whole time I was out as Aimee I wasnt nervous at all about going out dressed up. I just took it all in my stride like it was the most normal thing in the world. I have realised I think I have a 'dont give a f**k' attitude about how other people see me when dressed, and I think this is a good attitude to have. The true test will be about being in a busier more public setting, and this is something I want to aim for soon. As it is though, I have been out of work for nearly 5 months now and dont have the money to do anything else dressed for the time being so I think it will be a while before my next trip away.

When I got back me and my partner had a really good chat about the my weekend out and the whole Trans thing and where I want to take it next. Out of respect to her I wont be going out anywhere local to us. If I was single I couldnt care less if people found out about this, I actually want to tell people. What I dont want though is the fallout of people finding out about it affecting her. It would be unfair to subject her to the possibility that people would probably be talking about her behind her back or cause problems for her on the basis of my lifestyle choices which I basically forced on her 9 years into our relationship.

Preparing For My First Night Out

Im meant to be going out on Friday for the first time dressed up and to be honest the lead up to it is frustrating me massively! Ive got some outfits together but the heels I bought are too loose, and im struggling with the makeup. Really struggling!

Ive just been to MAC and bought some concealer, foundation powder, and red lipstick for colour correction of my beard shadow on their recommendation, and I cant get it to work! I start by using a primer, then red lipstick over the beard, and then I have to use 3 layers of concealer over the beard and foundation over my whole face for it to look like it covers. The only problem is the texture doesnt look right, it looks 'bumpy' and caked on. Then dont get me started on the eye shadow! I cant get it looking right at all, I just look like ive been punched in the face.

Ive only got a few days to go and all this preperation is not only expensive but its stressing me out too!