Friday, 2 January 2015

A Look Back at 2014

First off, I would like to wish everyone a Happy New Year. I hope 2014 went well for you all and I hope you have an amazing 2015.

So, I suppose I should wrap up how the year went. Im not going to bore you with the stats of the blog, instead im going to bore you with how it went for me. What went well, what didnt go so well, what I want to do differently next year... it sounds like im writing my monthly appraisal in work.

Another year has passed, they really do feel like they go quicker every year, and it feels like I am achieving less every year too. This year ive ticked quite a big thing from my trans-to-do list, but around that I dont feel like ive achieved much else.

This is the year I went through NHS counselling, which I had waited for so long for but didnt really feel like I got much out of it. I had waited for so long for the sessions I had already sorted through a number of the issues plaguing me by myself. I also went out in London, which was something that had been on my trans-to-do list for as long as ive been trans, and it was a bit of a let down in some ways. I was with some amazing people, but without the local knowledge the weekend didnt quite go as well as I would have liked. But, im glad I did. It was still an experience and it gave me a few things to reflect on.

But soon after the London trip I was pretty miserable, I just couldnt bring myself to express my female side and im still struggling a little now to really push myself through the massive effort and the dissapointment that can follow. Towards the end of the year I realised all this negativity was being counter productive and I needed to change my thinking and be positive about it, to accept my limitations and actually begin to enjoy expressing my feminine side again. I changed the name of the blog in order to fit with this new outlook, and have had reasonable success with this change in thinking. I still only dressed up once before the end of the year but I did enjoy it, and im not beating myself up mentally anywhere near as I have been in recent times.

But, im still not 100% happy, and im not sure ill ever be really. It still eats at me a little when I have quiet moments. I still have regrets. I still have needs that I feel are unfulfilled. And while im not completely happy with this, is it bad enough to warrant a move towards living full time and in turn losing my girlfriend? No, I dont think it is. So I just have to suck it up and get on with it, and be happy with what I have, and who I am.

So what now for the new year?

Im not going to do what I did last year and set a massive list of specific things that I knew in the back of my mind I was going to fail at. Instead, im going to set a few loose aims, some of which im already making progress with. This year I want to make new local friends, my confidence is not the best when it comes to meeting new people but this year I am putting myself out there because I need to socialise with people who are on my level. I want to get out more, whether it is meeting people at their homes for a girls night in, or going out somewhere LGBT friendly or more public, I dont care. And this year I want to work on my body image. I want to be able to look in the mirror and be completely happy with the person looking back at me, without compromise. Clothes, hair, makeup, overall style, the works. This is going to involve not only a different exercise and grooming regime, but also a change in thinking. I need to do it, I just feel like im wasting away and have nothing to show for my time. Its been a few years now since I started 'coming out' a little, and it feels like I have made so little ground.

Thats it I think. I hope you all have an amazing 2015! x