Saturday, 29 December 2012

The Partner Complication

Before I start this post I just want to say that I hope you all had a really nice Christmas this year and enjoyed yourself. Im not one for getting into the yuletide spirit to be honest but I got through it ok. I havent been able to dress up for weeks and it is unlikely I will be able to for some time yet, and this is irritating me a little now. Anyway, back to the post then.......

Something I have noticed recently is that I become hyper aware when my partner is subjected to Trans people through TV, on the street, through conversations and so on. I find it difficult to place the feeling, maybe a mixture of nervousness, shame, and paranoia I suppose.

For example we were at my partners parents over Christmas and we were watching Men In Black 3, and there is a scene where they are at an Andy Warhol party. During this scene there is a tiny section where they showed a Transvestite or Drag Queen on there and I couldnt help but suddenly feel on edge. I couldnt help but think about what she might think when she sees people like that, and then project that onto myself. To be honest I totally dread thinking about what goes through her mind when she sees me dressed, or thinks about it. I care greatly how she feels and want her to be happy and happy to be with me, but I cant help but think that I disappoint her in some way, or something. I might be totally off the mark but I doubt I will ever truly know.

On top of this I also get the feeling my wave is crashing again, ive started to feel a bit down about all this. Over the past few days ive just been finding myself sitting up late at night just mulling things over in my head. Im doing it now, im physically exhausted and my eyes are heavy but I dont feel like going to sleep. This has meant when ive had to get up for work in the morning on less than 5 hours sleep that ive been shattered throughout the day.

Monday, 10 December 2012

The Absurdity Of It All

Ive been able to take a step back and look at things a lot more logically over the past week or so without getting all down about it all, and I have come to a couple of realisations. First off the thoughts and feelings ive had towards exploring my feminine side has changed since coming out to my partner, I think the change in circumstances has forced a new perspective on them. Before coming out the focus was on the secret itself, keeping it away from everyone especially my partner. This meant that the short times I got to be Aimee had a bit of a thrill attached I suppose and keeping the secret seemed to be the dominating thoughts around my depression. Since coming out the lifestyle aspects of it have come into focus and become a much bigger part of it. Now the secrets are no longer there and ive got a massive amount of freedom, figuring out who I am, where I am going and how to achieve it is the biggest thing on my mind. Sometimes this leads to nice experiences, other times it makes me feel depressed about where I am. It seems to come in waves and I gradually move from state to state, at its highest I just get on with things and can step back and look at things from an outside perspective like I am now, and at its lowest I get all confused about who I am and what I want, and I start to feel lost and depressed. Its bizarre because when I have this perspective and I look back at what I was thinking during the low moments I feel a little silly, but at the time its seems so real.

Ive also thought about the point of all this dressing up malarkey and have been thinking how absolutely absurd it is, and it amuses and confuses me. Considering I know that transition is not the path for me, what is the point? What is it that drives me to want to buy ladies clothes, put on some fake boobs and a wig, dress and make myself up and then get on with my day? If I could turn around and say 'this' is why I did it then brilliant, but it just makes no sense to me at all! Looking at it objectively just highlights the ridiculousness of it all. How can I expect people to accept me as Aimee when I am this pretend woman, a man trying but ultimately failing to look and act female, and also without a justifiable reason! Im not a woman trapped in a mans body, im just weird!

This realisation meant that when I finally managed to get dressed up last week for the first time in ages, and then my partner came home it made me feel a little uncomfortable around her. In actual fact, I felt stupid around her. I couldnt care less what anyone else would think but I do care about my partner and how she sees me. Im not sure how to deal with this at this point.