Sunday, 8 February 2015

Keeping Positive

Well, this has been an introspective month, I think I may have started a mini-mid-life-crisis.
I have a couple of drafts saved on here that ive typed up over the last month, that I decided against posting because they were incredibly negative. Ive been reflecting a lot on the direction my life is taking and how unhappy I am about it. How I have no actual career prospects, how I have isolated myself from friends over the years, the missed opportunities, how I am still trying to balance my trans life, and how even after all this I just have no motivation and find it really difficult to see a way out. At one stage I felt a little overwhelmed, but im now trying to stay positive about it all and concentrate on the things I actually have done this month.

My CV is out there now, I have started applying but know I could apply for more. Its just difficult to motivate myself around the antisocial hours I work. As for what im applying for, well, itll hardly be what I want in a career. Ill probably end up in another call centre job but for now I just want to get out of my current workplace. Ill worry about the career later.

As for my friends, well I dropped off the radar a few years ago when I was struggling with depression, and then I was devoting so much personal time to this trans thing that I never really reconnected with anyone. Recently though I have started to reach out to a few people again. It feels like its been so long though it feels a little awkward. Still, at least there is progress.

The trans-life balance... As much as it irritates me I rarely dress up at all, the effort I have to go through is just too much to maintain. Im still buying the odd item of clothing, and lately I have been looking for things that are casual and also cover up as much as possible. Hopefully this will help since it will take less effort to look the part. Ive also been re-evaluating my image, and have decided that if im never going to pass then I should at least try and embrace who I am a little more. I decided to stop wearing breastforms (although may get them out for special events) and just use chicken fillets for a little shape. Basically, I just want to be more authentic in my appearance to what I am, a part time girl, rather than a wannabe-woman.

I still need to make more trans-time though, and actually do something with it. I miss it.