Hello.
It's been a long time hasn't it. I thought
I'd check in and let anyone interested know that I'm still here, still
alive, and give an update on what's been going on with my life.
I
hadn't realised until now that it's been nearly three years since I
last checked in here. More importantly, I hadn't realised that it's also
been longer than that since I've done anything meaningful with my
trans-life.
So back when I started this blog as My
Gender Catharsis, I basically used it as a sounding board to try and
help me to make sense of the confusing and conflicting thoughts I was
feeling towards my gender. As time went on and I started being 'myself'
more and getting out and about a bit, I started to feel a bit more
positive about my life (not totally, but a bit). I actually had
experiences to write about and it seemed like I was going to be able to
get out there more and more. I hoped that this would continue, but it
didn't last.
Real life took over. It 's slapped me
around and has kept me far too busy. And because of this, I had to put
myself back into the closet and have felt trapped in here ever since. I
also realised that anytime I tried to post something on here, that I was
just re-covering old ground. It wasn't fun to write about, I'm sure it
wasn't fun to read, and it was depressing me more reading it back. So in
the end I just stopped.
So where am I now? I'm still
employed, I'm a recent first time homeowner of an absolute project of a
house (which was not all planned for), and I'm still producing music to
varying degrees of success (I've had music signed but don't think it's
going to go anywhere). I'm no longer the svelte young lady I used to be
either and lack the self discipline to lose the weight again (stupid
chocolate), and I'm still plagued by anxieties that are holding back my
social and work life. But with time comes acceptance, so I'm told.
With
regards to 'me', I haven't had the time or energy to be myself in all
this time. The endless internal monologue continues to plague me, but
I'm trying not to let it get to me with varying degrees of success. It
has been better over the last few months and when I do eventually get
some free space and time, I may even get myself a new outfit (since my
old ones probably don't fit anymore) and try and have some 'me' time
again. I have no idea how or when I'm going to fit it in but I don't
want to bore you with the details.
Anyway, I hope
you're all doing well and are staying safe in these unusual times. I'm
sure I'll be back again when I have something worth sharing.
x
