Wednesday, 28 November 2012

The Next Step

Ive lost all motivation today to do anything. I went to see my counsellor in the morning to discuss how ive been, I dont usually post about these sessions but I feel its fairly significant that we agreed that it might be worth stopping them for a while. The reason being is that we have pretty much covered all that we can on the subject for now, shes given me a CBT technique to try and help with the obsessive thoughts in an effort to learn to accept them and weve now got to wait until the next step. Obviously if I feel the need to see her in the mean time then I can do, and to be honest I probably will do too.

Basically the next step in my plan is to go away for a long weekend (i.e. 3 nights) away to somewhere, probably London. The plan is to spend 2 whole days or more if I can and the nights around and during as Aimee because as much as I get plenty of space here to do it, I feel ive got to put up a facade for my partner at home and dont really feel comfortable 'letting go' in front of other people ive met. I just want a weekend away alone, or to meet some people there who will only see and know me as Aimee. The plan I have in my head at the moment is to get a nice new and convincing wig, a full body wax beforehand, get a close wetshave at a barbers on the day so it is as close as possible, have all my outfits prepared beforehand, and then just go and do the tourist/shopping thing for the weekend. Hopefully being able to immerse myself without any distractions or pretense will give me a better idea of what I want in the long term. I want to stay with my partner more than anything, but for sanitys sake I need to have a clearer idea of what I am so I know what I need to do.

So anyway back to today. After I got back from the session the plan was to spend the day dressed. Once again my chest and arms has come out in spots from the last time I shaved so it meant I couldnt shave them again, and had to dress accordingly. I spent ages going through my wardrobe trying to find some clothes to wear that would hide them. After finally settling on the same dress I wore last time, I sat down to do my makeup by which point it was fairly late in the afternoon (not long before typing this). After cleansing, moisturising and putting on my colour corrector it had gone dark because of the clouds. I ended up looking at myself in the mirror and just giving up.

I cant decide why I gave up to be honest, its the same uphill struggle as every other time I dress. It partly feels like a waste, a pointless exercise doing it at home alone. The fact I had to spend ages trying to cover my flaws on my body didnt help. Its also disheartening having to look at myself in the mirror, I wont go into detail as ive covered this quite a lot previously. Today it just feels like there is just no purpose in doing it, as much as I really want to.

The thought occured to me for a brief moment the other day of just cutting all ties and moving away. Ive done it before when I moved here nearly a decade ago and it was very useful doing so. Now im older and wiser (debatable I know) there will be advantages to doing this.

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Giving Up On A Dream

Ok, so I can think about this in a 'blue sky' manner all that I want but realistically that isnt the path I am going to be going down. As much as I would like to live my life in a particular manner, I love my partner to bits and do not want to lose her, so ive been thinking hard about this over the past 24 hours and realised ive just got to accept my current state of affairs and move on as I am now.

All those thoughts and feelings I get arent going to go away, I just need to accept them as a fact of life and carry on as I have been while trying to not let them get to me. Im grateful that my partner has accepted Aimee and is giving me the space to explore this side of me, it is far more than most people have and I cant thank her enough.

Ive still got boundaries I want to push and things I want to do, and I still intend to do them. But I need to get over myself and just accept that in order to have what I want in life, im going to have to have a foot in both worlds, which means im not going to get my way all of the time and im going to have to learn to balance them both. This isnt going to be easy as this is pretty much how ive been living for a while now, but I need to get used to the fact that im going to get these thoughts and im just going to have to ignore them.

As much as it feels like im giving up on a dream, I should be thankful that I at least get to express this side of me when I need to.

Friday, 23 November 2012

Lets Try That Again

Im going to have to rename this blog 'Aimee's Moaning Corner' or something after today I think. Ok, now ive calmed down a little im going to have another crack at what I was trying to do the other day. Im going to try it differently, without asking questions. Just a stream of thought. And to be honest im probably going to be going over similar things that I have in previous posts as well but I need to try and do this from start to finish. Ok, so....

Ive wanted to be a woman for almost as long as I can remember. Early teens? Its certainly something I wanted more than anything especially early on, and recently this feeling has started to come back again albeit not as strong. Is it just a fantasy though? Most likely I fear. And this makes me feel sad, its like giving up on a dream and having to make do with something less.

I feel fine as a guy a lot of the time, its those idle moments where im not busy that it hits me the hardest. To be honest I could probably go on quite happily for the rest of my life living as a man, but there will always be this nagging feeling of another life I could be living. One where I could be happier with myself.

I would love to be able to accept this fact and for a while now I have been trying so hard, but it has on occasion made me feel depressed and snappy. My partner made a mention again today about it, saying its horrible to come home to after a hard day at work, and I sympathise with her. I feel sorry for her having to put up with my low moods like this but I cant help it. If I wasnt with her I would probably be doing more drastic things about now, but I dont know if I need to in order to get through life.

I suppose I am trying to find out where I fit into the grand scheme of things. As much as I dont like labels and pidgeon-holing, I need to be able to say to myself that 'this' is what I am so I can move foward, but I dont know what 'this' is. I can see myself dancing around this question to the end of time. As much as I want to say, im a Transvestite, I hate that term and dont feel it goes far enough to describe the emotions and thoughts that I go through sometimes. And as much as ive read up about Gender Identity Disorder, I just dont understand enough about it to say if it applies.

In an ideal world without my partner being taken into consideration, I would probably be living my life outside of work as Aimee. I would probably be out to friends and family about now and maybe even taking steps to fit in as Aimee more. But then I would have had years of experience by now too. As it is, this is still new to me. And as much as it is giving me a hard time, I think I need time to actually explore it properly. A few private meets and one night out isnt really enough for me to go on.

I need to accept though that as long as I am with my partner, this is pretty much as far as I am going to get. And all those thoughts are just going to keep happening and im just going to have deal with them. Am I happy with my partner? Absolutely, I love her to bits! Am I happy to just keep going as I am as far as Aimee is concerned? I hope so.

Thursday, 22 November 2012

Where To Go From Here Part 2

This is a direct continuation from this post. If you havent done so please read it first.

What do I want to be happy?

In an ideal world I would love to be a woman but I dont think its a need or that I need to transition because I dont feel 'wrong' as a man either, I just dont like being a man. I want to be more confident in myself, I want to properly embrace my female side, I want to be more convincing, and I want to do it more. I want to be able to be happy with who I am. I feel like im missing out on something important but I just dont know if it is important enough because I cant see it, I cant label it and I cant quantify it. Ive got enough regrets in my life right now, so many 'I wished I did this' moments, I dont want this to be one too.

What steps can I take next?

I need more time to figure this out I think. A proper weekend or more away from people I know so I can just try it out properly. Just being able to do it for a few hours or so at a time just isnt enough time for me to properly figure things out, and with my partner around I just dont feel like im able to let go.


You know what? Scratch all of the above. I dont know what I want anymore. I thought coming out to my partner would be enough for me but clearly it is not, and im getting pissed off with digging myself into a mental hole regularly. Once again im sat here in front of the laptop at home while my partner is in work, trying to self analyze myself to the point where I am tired of doing it now because every time I do I get frustrated and depressed, like I am now. Am I in denial over the whole thing? I re-read the last few things ive posted trying to make sense of it all and it isnt helping, it makes as much sense reading it back as it does in my head, none.

Do I want to transition? No. Do I want to be a woman? Yes. Make your fucking mind up! But then I cant, im one of the most indecisive people you will ever meet. I just go with the flow of any situation I am put in, why should this be any different. Make a decision? Think for myself? Yeah right.

Ive had advice from people who can sit in the middle about finding my 't-life balance', which to be honest is probably easier said than done. I thought I had found it but the thoughts just wouldnt leave me alone and after a while I was down again. I dont want to accept that ive got to be depressed with myself for 50% of my life just because ive got this identity problem, why should I live like that!

Once again I had a chance to dress up today but ive got so little motivation I couldnt be bothered too, im meant to be meeting my partner in town today to do some Christmas shopping and im not going to that either (although to be fair the heavy rain isnt helping either!)

I dont know what I want out of this anymore.

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Where To Go From Here

Well its been over a week since my last blog entry, ive had a lot going on in and out of work which has kept me busy and my mind off things when it comes to Aimee. I thought it was about time I tried to dig deep and truly find out what it is I want out of this. I spend all my time moaning on here but never coming up with anything proactive to decide where I need to go. I think im relying on my counsellor too much to give me answers when I know that isnt what she is there for, I need to try and figure this out myself.

Im going to try and answer these questions without taking my partner into consideration unless applicable.

Where am I now?

Im currently a part time TV who has come out to my partner who has been generally accepting of it. Im not happy with my body as 20 years of Testosterone has done its work moving me away from being 'passable'. I obsess over this side of me the majority of the time whether its me trying to analyze myself, or comparing myself against women, and I especially do this when my brain is idle. A lot of the time these thoughts can make me feel sad as they tend to be of the 'what if' variety.

I get to dress once a week or so and its nice being able to do so. However I think I am putting on a 'front' as my partner is usually there.

Am I happy where I am?

On the one hand I am yes, im luckier than most in that I have a loving partner who has accepted this side of me. There are certain aspects of my figure that lend well to dressing and I am grateful for them. On the other hand the frustration of not being able to go further than I am can really get me down because facing myself sometimes makes me realise how masculine my features are, which in turn makes it more difficult to look feminine.

Where do I want to go?

I really dont know. Do I want to become a woman? Its something ive dreamed of since I was an early teen, maybe even sooner. All my life ive longed to be like the women I see around me. If I could take a pill and wake up tomorrow as a member of the fairer sex I wouldnt hesitate to pop it. Realistically, the steps required to change gender are not something to be taken lightly and I just dont think it is the right path for me as I am comfortable as a man most of the time. But telling myself this feels like im giving up on a dream and makes me feel really sad, even typing this right now is putting a lump in my throat. So bearing this in mind what else can I do?

What can I do realistically?

The only other thing I can do is to undergo cosmetic procedures to make myself look as close as possible. Hair regrowth, laser facial/body hair, facial surgery, etc. But then if I want to go that far, why not go for hormones too. It seems pointless to take steps like that to just be an imitation. But then thats it. Even if I took hormones, inside I would probably still feel like an imitation. Probably.

Would I be happy if I continued as I am?

I dont think so. But I think what I want in order to be happy is unattainable, and im having difficulty picturing an acceptable middle ground. Could I get by as I am, probably. But I dont want regrets hanging over my head for the rest of my life, ive got enough of them already.

What do I want to be happy?

I want to be a woman. But I dont think its realistic for me to chase this dream.  

Ive ran out of steam with this post. Ive been getting depressed typing it so im going to stop for now.

Saturday, 10 November 2012

Complimenting Bob

Last night I went to a friends engagement party in Bob mode with my partner. When it comes to Bob my usual dress style is very simple: baggy combats, tshirt, and chunky trainers. I do not deviate from this at all and wear it even to parties, bars and clubs. Now I do have one smart casual outfit of jeans, jumper and shoes and this comes out on the very rare occasions where combats just wont do, and last night was one of those occasions. I dont particularly like the outfit but it fulfills a need.

The reason im posting about this is because I got a few compliments last night about my outfit, and i felt a little uncomfortable receiving them. First off was from my partner while we were still at home and she said that I 'looked really nice' and 'sexy' and so on, and then later on in the night I also got a compliment from a friend who ive known for years because she has never seen me in anything but combats before.

Its difficult to describe how I felt and I cant really remember my thinking because, well, I did get a little drunk. But what I do remember is that I just didnt like hearing it to be honest. Thinking back to other times in the past where my partner has complimented Bob on my appearance its never made me feel good or even proud. Its just highlighted the masculine features of my body and reminded me of what I dont have. Even when im dressed nicely as Bob I just dont take pride in myself.

I dont know. When it comes to this sometimes im feeling like im making a mountain out of a mole-hill. Could I be over-analyzing every little thing looking for connections and meaning about why I need to express my female side? Its all I keep thinking about whenever by brain is idle.

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Finally Able To Dress Up Today

I love my new dress!
Ive finally managed to get some time today to dress up and try my new clothes out. Ive been dying to try my new dress, grey opaques and boots on since I bought them last week but just havent had a chance. I also tried some new shaving techniques, new makeup techniques, and also trying something different with the colour corrector and my new MAC gel foundation which I picked up today. I even went so far as to shave my arms and legs too!

The lighting isnt great in here but I think my makeup looks fairly ok, its definitely better than I could manage before though. The blush I use is still too bright and obvious, I need to get a more muted colour I think. I also need to look more into what colours to use for my eyes, lips and so on to make sure it all works properly. I could ask my partner but she admits she is useless with makeup so its probably best to look into it myself.

I still need to work on my eyebrows although im not sure what approach to take. If I go and pay a pro to do it the change might be too sudden and people may notice. On the other hand if I dare to do it myself I may just mess them up. Decisions decisions.....

I made a mental note of what I was thinking while dressing up today because a few times recently ive gone to get dressed up but after getting my clothes on and looking in the mirror I would realise the uphill struggle it would take to get there and then get depressed, take my clothes off and then sulk.

So I was happy with my shaving job in the bathroom mirror, put my clothes on, sat down to do my makeup and then I was faced with myself again. The makeup mirror seems to pick up all the flaws my bathroom mirror does not. Every single missed hair, or patches of hair that arent quite cut to the skin, every single spot, blemish and vein. It made me feel dissapointed. Dissapointed that this is me, dissapointed that this is what I have to fight against every time I do this, and dissapointed because I realise that as time goes on it is only going to get worse.

So I fought through it, spent ages on my makeup and apart from a few errors I thought it looked ok if a little caked on. My partner said I looked really nice but im still not sure if she is actually being genuine or is just encouraging me. I hadnt actually given any thought to how I felt seeing the finished article which I guess is a good sign but as the night went on I started feeling a little down.

I asked my partner to take some photos of me because she did offer a little while ago. Im not really a natural model and she isnt the best photographer (shes rubbish and admits it!) so out of a whole batch of photos there is only a handful of useable ones. Thing is, I scratched off the majority of them because I just didnt like how I looked. My male self was too prominent or obvious in them, mainly in the face and that bugged me. I keep thinking about my body image and comparing it against the female ideal and I lose out every time. I dont want a masculine body or face for that matter. So after the photos my mood at dropped obviously and my partner was asking if I was ok again.

I dont have the time tonight but at some point I want to make a post about what im not happy about, what is fixed and what is changeable, what I can do to change it, and so on.

Monday, 5 November 2012

No End Game

On one of the TG forums I frequent someone has posted a really heartwarming story of her coming out very recently. She only registered on the forum a month ago and in this time she gone from being 'shy and fearful of the future', and has built up the confidence to tell her GP last week and also tell her family. I think this is amazing and I really wish her all the best.

While it is an amazing story and im really happy for her it also makes me feel a little sad. Everytime I see a picture of someone who has transitioned and they are smiling and happy im really happy for them but it breaks my heart a little too. I cant picture myself ever reaching a place where I truly accept and am happy with who I am. Ive never felt trapped in the wrong body, never felt uncomfortable in my own skin, but ive never really been happy with myself either. I just feel like im in no-mans land with no acceptable end result. This does not mean that transition is the right answer for me, there is a complicated cocktail of insecurities and esteem issues that is going on in my head right now and I am conscious of ensuring that I seperate these from my gender issues before starting to consider the right path to go down.

It makes me feel sad reading stories like this because they have something to aim for, and an end game in sight. I dont have that. Yes transition can be difficult and can cost friends and family but there will be a stage where the struggle will be over and they can get on with their lives. I have a lifetime of secrets, emotional torment, and guilt. Guilt caused by this side of me, but also guilt from putting my partner through it too. Ive got to juggle 2 lives and try to find balance for them both, all the while trying to ensure the people in my Bob life doesnt find out for fear of where that could lead.

Thursday, 1 November 2012

Too Much Effort

To try and help me get through my low moments last week, since I got paid I decided a little retail therapy was in order. I dragged my partner into town and bought myself some clothes, boots and a few necessities. And since it has been the first time in a while ive actually had money I also treated my partner to a few things and dinner in a nice restaurant too. Surprisingly (well, no not really), picking up a few new bits for Aimee seemed to work, ive been feeling a lot more upbeat until today.

Because of the work situation, ive been finding it difficult to give Aimee some time. I decided that today I was going to get dressed up in my new stuff straight after work so I have at least a few hours Aimee time before the weekend, and when I got home I fully intended to do this. So I got home, had a shave, looked at myself in the mirror and then my attitude changed. I kind of realised the uphill struggle I would face in order to get ready and decided it wasnt worth it, my face is spotty from the beard growth, my chest hair has gone out of control again, my eyebrows are messy, and I realised it would take far too long to make an acceptable effort so this put me on a downer again tonight. I tried on my new clothes anyway to check they fit ok but only briefly.

Physical Emotions

Ive been meaning to post something for a while now but just havent had time to sit down and do it. My partner knows I have a blog and why it is here, but I do not want her to see it so I have to post when she is not around. Since ive been back in work ive been working the same times as my partner so I have had no real alone time to dedicate to writing.

Over the past few months ive been feeling something new and im not sure what it is. Whenever ive seen other girls around and about ive always seen them with a mix of admiration, jealousy and envy and it has been this way for as long as I can remember with varying degrees of intensity. Now however something else is in the mix and im not sure how to process it. Im actually feeling physically sad. You know, slight lump in the throat, fluttery chest kind of sadness. At least, thats what I think it is. My thought process has also gone from just wishing I had what they had, through to that combined with really hating the fact that I dont have what they have, look how they look, are treated how they are treated.

I get this all of the bloody time and it isnt helped by the fact ive gone from being sat at home most of the time to working with hundreds of people in a city centre call centre again. Im surrounded by people all the time and I cant help but people watch on the way into work or from my desk or something, so this means I just spend a lot of my time out and about feeling pretty poor about myself. I compare myself against them, and dont like how I come out of that comparison.