An Eventful Year

Hi everyone, it's been a while since my last post and a few things have happened during this time but I've just not had a chance to sit at my computer to get it all down.

Coming Out To A Friend

Back in July, I decided to come out to a friend I work with. She's the first person in my 'day life' that I've chosen to come out, and it was very scary. We've worked together for many years and get on so well, we have a similar sense of humour, trust each other with secrets (generally bitching about people in work lol), and recently she shared something with me about her that made me think it could be worth telling her and that she could be trusted.

I slipped a few not so subtle tests into conversation like "ugh (HP author who I shall not name directly) is all over my Twitter feed again" to see what her responses were going to be like. I also found out she has a non binary friend, so in the end I just decided to go for it.

After saying the words over WhatsApp, I was suddenly terrified of what I'd done. She is someone I work with, what if she decided to blab it around work? The culture is very pro LGBT there so my job wouldn't be at risk, but personally/socially? 

She seemed to take the news well, and we agreed to go for a drink after work about a few weeks later to properly catch up. We chatted a bit on WhatsApp during this time and it was almost like nothing had changed, although once or twice she had to reassure me everything was going to be fine. I was probably being a bit of a drama queen. :)

So we met up, had some drinks, and she had many questions and I opened up about everything. The real reason I moved away from home (THIS!), missed opportunities, the dysphoria, exploratory experiences. coming out to my partner, my recent night out, regrets, politics and society from our perspective, and so much more. I showed her a few photos and she said I looked so happy in them and "look at you with long hair!". :) 

All the things I'd prepared in my head probably came out as a rambling mess but it was done. She was so lovely, calm, and even offered if there's anything she could do to help. Our WhatsApp chats have now changed, we talk about outfits and she offers advice, and has decided that she's going to help me look foxy, whatever that means. :)

About a month later, she came over to my house and met me properly for the first time. We drank a bottle of gin between us and just chatted all day and night. I can't remember her exact words but I think at one point she said she prefers me like this, so there we go. :) I think I have a true friend in her.

Second Night Out

At the end of October I went to the legendary Tribe of Frog again with my friend Fran. I was much happier with my outfit and makeup this time, going for a more dramatic eyeliner and lip colour, and had a really good time.

We started with a quick drink at The Social which is a bar up the road. Like last time, the bar staff were really nice and one of them even came over for a little chat, asking why Fran was drinking Ale with a straw ("so it doesn't ruin my lipstick", "ah, we wondered if it would get you drunk quicker"). These friendly interactions made me feel so welcome.

Then we made our way over to The Lakota for our night out, and same as before, we had a brilliant night. The staff were all nice and respectful, our chats and interactions with other ravers was always friendly and respectful and fun. It all just felt normal and right, which is exactly what I wanted. And the music was banging. :)

I never thought I would get to go the kind of nightclubs and raves I like to go to like this. I still can't quite believe I get to do this now.

I had been feeling a bit dysphoric during the weeks leading up to this and I had a few pangs while I was there. On the odd occasion I couldn't help but compare myself and feel maybe a little inadequate against the cis women around me, when that hit me I suppose I felt quite self conscious. Envious maybe. It didn't ruin my night or anything but it definitely bothered me a bit.

We drank a lot and danced our little feet off, before finally leaving when it kicked out at 7am for our weary walk back to the hotel. And we now need to plan our next adventure. I recently found out Fold in London is an LGBT friendly Techno venue, so that might be our next destination.

My Partners Acceptance

Since coming out to my partner, apart from the rocky start she has always been accepting of my gender identity but over the last say 8 years it slowly became the elephant in the room for various reasons. Eventually this led to conversations getting shut down, she was happy for me to do things but didn't want to see or know about it, and eventually it became easier if not better that I just didn't mention it at all and did things without telling her.

While my night out earlier in the year had started to reverse some of this, I was still finding it difficult to open up with her. Coming out to my friend was a very spur of the moment, impulsive decisions, and against the backdrop of the above, I didn't tell my partner.

So after doing the deed, I had to tell her and she was not happy at all. We had a big chat and I tried to calm her fears, like no I wasn't planning on coming out to everyone, this was most likely a one off. It was a difficult conversation.

Over time though, our relationship seems to be changing in a positive way that I think this was the catalyst of. She's been making more of an effort to open up, to talk about this side of me, to want to offer advice and get involved. Over the months it's been awkward for me, it's taken time to get over the secretive habits I'd fallen into and worrying about what she would think about me and the choices I make with what I wear and do. But we have been working on this. She'd even suggested me dressing up around the house but I wasn't sure she was really ready for that.

As I was preparing for my night out she seemed to be showing genuine interest in what I was going to wear and do. In the week leading up to it I wanted to buy a dress in a different colour as well as a few other little bits, and she came with me. Shopping with her was something new, and she made it seem like it was the most normal thing. 

Then, last weekend I decided while my waxing was still relatively fresh, and while I was still full of confidence from my night out, and our recent conversations and shopping trip, to have a 'me' day at home. I put on a very casual outfit and light (probably too light) make up, and we spent the evening just watching TV like any other normal night in.

Over the night she was complimentary about my appearance, said I looked nice, held my hand for a bit and said she loved me. It feels like we've leapt over a huge hurdle here. God knows what really goes through her head but huge progress has been made and I'm very happy about that. Although I do worry that she'll suddenly snap back so I suppose I'm still a little cautious.

But overall, we're communicating more and the shame/embarrassment is getting less each time, and she seems to be much more accepting now. This has almost come out of nowhere and it's a welcome change.

So after maybe 7-8 years of slipping backwards, I've been on two nights out, have an amazing friend who now knows, and my partner seems to have really changed her view on this. It really has been an eventful year.

I update this blog a few times a year to share my personal thoughts and experiences that mostly I don't share anywhere else, but this time it feels maybe self indulgent? I don't know. Blogs seems to be a dying form these days. Does anyone benefit from reading stuff like this? My stats show I get quite a few hits I guess but I don't know why. 

Anyways, the world is a hostile place right now and I hope you are staying as safe as you can wherever you are. Take care and love to you all.

Chloe x

I'm Not Myself

I've been calling myself Genderfluid for just over a year now, at the time it seemed to describe the ever changing nature of how I felt about myself and my gender. However, i've recently come to the realisation that while how I feel about my gender changes on a regular basis, I don't think Genderfluid is the right way to describe it.

I've come to realise it's not necessarily that I feel more male some days and more female others, it's more like it's how much I don't like my current gender that changes from day to day. It's how bad I feel about myself that is 'fluid', and I don't really think that is what Genderfluid is meant to mean.

My internal monologue is always tuned to trans. As soon i'm not having to do anything or concentrate on anything, i'm thinking about the life I could be living if I was female. And even if I am busy doing something, it tries to muscle its way in and distract me as much as possible. As well as this I also can't get away from triggers that make me feel negatively about my gender, mainly women who are looking, behaving, doing things, living their lives in a way that I could picture myself if I was a woman. And these women are everywhere, there is no escape.

I don't see myself as a woman, don't feel like a woman, yet I aspire to be one. Being a male is also depressing, but this is how I see myself. 

Where does this leave me?

I thought I had reached a point where I was getting to be happy with being somewhere in the middle, but the way i've been feeling these last few months, that's clearly not the case.

Sigh.

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Struggling

Im struggling at the moment. I feel like I need to vent, but this is the only place I feel like I can do it openly.

The GD is just kicking me really hard at the moment, really fucking hard, and it has been for weeks now if not longer. I hate it so much. It just feels like everything triggers it now, and I cant get away from it. I dont have an outlet for it that works, I dont know what I can do to calm it down. And the brave face ive been putting on cracks sometimes and I say things out loud that I dont mean to when im reacting to it.

When I get those moments where my mind is taken off it, its like it doesnt even exist. But I seem to be on a hair trigger with it now, and those clear moments dont last long before something triggers it and im back feeling miserable about it.

I want rid of this feeling. Im fed up of carrying on like this.

Summer Holiday Body Envy

Ive recently got back from very long Balearic holiday abroad with my girlfriend and a number of friends as well. We had a really good time, managed to fit quite a lot of things in, and after piling on factor 50 sun lotion and hiding in the shade as much as possible I havent tanned much either. I was actually considering going to Sparkle again this year but unfortunately I would still be abroad for the first half of the festival so it wasnt worth going.

The lead up to the holiday was quite frustrating to begin with. I knew I would be spending a bit of time in front of friends not actually wearing much so of course I had to 'man-up' and let my body hair grow out a bit in order to avoid any awkward questions. This had meant that any plans I may have had in order to do anything trans has been on hold until getting back. Now that im back, im looking for something to do and definitely need an excuse to trim my hair back again.


Now, on a holiday abroad where the sun is shining and the temperature is over 40 degrees, its normal to do a fair bit of sitting on the beach doing as little as possible. So on several occasions I found myself sat on a sun lounger under a parasol, feeling myself slowly baking with nothing but some music on to keep me busy for hours upon hours.

The beach was part of a resort and fairly busy with families, locals, and other people who came to see the town the resort was based at. There were so many women of various shapes, sizes and ages, all appropriately dressed for the extremely hot temperatures. Little bikinis of all cuts and colours, kaftans and cover ups made of all sorts of materials and patterns, and so on. Watching them interact with each other and other people, seeing them look comfortable and happy made me feel a little miserable to be honest. With nothing to do but people watch, I could not help but get a little wound up about it all. How amazing they looked, how happy they looked, how unfair it is. Then there were the night clubs. The amazing, glamourous outfits being worn: dresses, playsuits, little tops and skirts, all clinging or enhancing the female figure underneath. Hair of all shapes, cuts and colours, and make up completing the glamorous looks. I didnt want to be stood there in a t-shirt, shorts and trainers, I wanted to feel feminine and look as cute as the girls I was surrounded by. Fuck what I would have given to swap places with them at that moment. Or permanently.


Im over the fact that im not a woman, and that transition is not the right path for me. As much as I feel I dont fit in with your typical bloke, I dont feel I identify as a woman either. But it doesnt make this body envy, this clothes envy, this life envy much easier. How am I meant to reconcile what it is I feel like I should look like and how I want to feel and communicate, with the realities of a Testosterone ridden body in a masculine world? As im getting older its getting more difficult. Its only been a few years since I started taking this seriously and I can already see differences between then and now in my body development. The compromises im making are getting more difficult to keep up with. And this double life im living right now is weighed far too much towards my male side.

I had an amazing holiday, I really did. I had some amazing experiences, and did some things I never thought I would too which were a lot of fun. But this has just knocked me back a bit. I couldnt avoid not thinking about it and it made me feel a bit empty and miserable. Even reading this back now has re-surfaced those feelings.

I need a girly night out. A day out. Anything.

MGC 2 Years On: A Retrospective

2 years.

2 years ive been dipping in and out of this blog, recording the very few highs and very many lows of trying to figure out how I can make myself more comfortable on my journey between genders. Since the first retrospective I think there has been progress and I have come to a few realisations, however it feels like every time I eventually manage to move forward, it raises more and more questions.

In July last year I went on my first weekend away to spend entirely dressed up, daytime and night time! I went to Sparkle in Manchester and while I didnt particularly get on with the entertainment or things to do, it was a good introduction to being out and about in public, but in the relative safety of the gay quarter.

Following this was a period of inner turmoil. I was struggling with trying to cope with my gender issues, and in turn this caused my dysphoria and depression to kick back in in a big way. This was different than my last bout of depression, it was a lot more emotional. I eventually had to tell my GP about my trans side, and was prescribed anti depressants to help cope while I was referred to counselling. After a while I had to come off the anti depressants, not because I was better, but because I was not reacting well to them.

My low mood meant for the rest of the year I was finding it difficult to motivate myself to express my female side, since fighting the 'maleness' felt more and more difficult everytime I needed to trim it back, to the point it felt almost futile. I was struggling to find a balance where I was happy with my appearance in either form, and this became a vicious circle.

As we entered 2014, this slowly started to calm down a bit. I finally started counselling over 7 months after referral although by this point I dont think I needed it. I still havent dressed up much this year though, mostly as it feels like a waste to dress up just to sit around the house.

This month I also finally managed to go on my first weekend dressed up in the general public, I went to London and spent a night out in Soho, and a day out wandering through Covent Garden towards the Thames. This was a totally different experience of Sparkle, without being in the relative safety of the gay quarter it was fairly uncomfortable after a while.

To summarise, mentally this past year has been a bit of a rollercoaster for me but it has slowly evened out over this year so far. Experience-wise I have done a couple of quite big things over the past 12 month which I have wanted to do for years. Im really happy I managed to push myself out there to do them, but I dont think I would do them again. So, I am left left thinking "what now?".

Looking Forward

Im still trying to process London so to be honest im not sure where to go from here. While im confident and happy with myself (largely) as a female, im not the kind of person that is happy to put up with the scrutiny I felt I was under when mixing in with 'normal' people. In some ways, this is what I wanted. I wanted to build myself up to be able to go anywhere and do anything dressed up and for it to be and feel normal, but the reactions of the people around me made me feel anything but normal.

So, what now? I dont know. I really dont know.

Sometimes I just think what is the point? What I want is to be seen and accepted as female but that just seems completely unattainable. What is the point of going through the hassle of being trans if I cant achieve the thing im striving to? Most of the time though I try to look at things more realistically, I know my limitations and can work around and accept that I have to deal with them, but this doesnt help when it comes to other people and how they choose to deal with the man in a dress stood in front of them. If im not getting the social feedback from the people around me that correlates to the gender I present as, it makes it more difficult to keep it going mentally.

I dont want to have to limit myself to trans friendly places or private meets, but I think I am out of options.

Cant Escape

Today has not been a fun day at all. Im off work this weekend, and today me and my gf planned to go into town to grab some food and hit a few shops. I wasnt too bad when I first got up but this changed in the shower.

I always wear clothes that cover my body. Long arm t-shirts and trousers, and at night long arm pyjama tops and bottoms as well. When I get changed I never inspect my body in the mirror, its a quick change to cover it back up. Obviously when I have to shower its more difficult to do this. If I have to be somewhere (like work) then its not too bad because I just quickly get it over with because I have to be somewhere. When I have a bit of time to properly shower though (like today) I find myself just standing in the shower with my head leaning forward against the door almost in a daze, just looking down at my body while studying the hair, the spots (that I got from shaving) and the pot belly, and hating all of it. Im stuck with this, im really stuck with it and I hate it. And im getting older and its growing more and more. My body is deteriorating and the testosterone is causing more changes in the wrong direction.

Suffice to say by the time I got out of the shower my mood had dropped considerably and this had a knock on effect today.

Ive decided I hate shopping with my gf as well. One thing I thought might get better when I came out to my gf would be going shopping. Being able to take interest in what she buys as well as being able to pick up some things myself. As ive found though, it hasnt worked like that and I just seem to get more frustrated every time I go out with her. She doesnt mind me shopping for 'girl things' with her, and she actively mentions it during shopping, but I have some issues.

It feels like torture sometimes being dragged around clothes shops. In the mens shops I just dont feel like I 'fit in' at all. In the ladies shops. I still feel like a bloke getting dragged around the shop, and not a participant. I cant look like im totally engaged shopping for myself, I still have to hang around outside the changing room bored out of my mind while she is trying things on, and I have a real problem picking things out while she is there because she just tends to shoot them down, and this has had a knock on effect on my confidence. I have no problem shopping for myself, by myself but I find it really difficult when she is around. I just get really really frustrated and annoyed.

Usually I can put up with the shopping and sometimes I can enjoy it, but after the low start this morning ive just been completely miserable today. To the point where we ended up leaving town early and coming home because I was in such a mood. Im still feeling crap now.

I dont know, lately I think ive been feeling lower than usual. Im so unhappy with everything at the moment and I just cant find enjoyment in life at all.

All In The Air

I had my second counselling appointment today which got off to a great start. I was sat in the waiting room and just when it hit the appointment time the fire alarm went off, so they had to evacuate the building. As before I wont be going into detail about the session, but we seemed to mainly talk about how I feel about being trans, how I feel during my high and low moments, and my relationship with my gf. Afterwards I realised there were other points I could have made but didnt go into detail enough, so I do need to make a note of a few things to remember to speak about next time.

The problem I have is it is 2 weeks between sessions, and in this time I have to work which really does dominate my thoughts a lot due to the nature of the job, and the long hours. So when it comes to recalling thoughts and feelings for the past few weeks, all I can remember is work. I need to get a notepad I think and make some noted between sessions, to make it easier to recall.

On the Subject of Work...

I am so angry at the moment with work. Our shift patterns change every 6 months and every time it just feels like they have got worse and worse. They are due to change at the end of this month and they have finally reached a point where I dont think I can continue with my employment there anymore. I dont want to leave because the money is good and im not sure ill get near this pay bracket for quite a while, but I cant continue like this.

Basically they are moving me from 4x10 hour shifts a week to 5x8 hour shifts, and then putting us on a pattern which repeats every 4 weeks. Out of the 8 days off we have in this 4 week period, 4 of them are within 5 days of each other, the other 4 are split individually within the remaining 23 days of the month. We basically get no decent break for more than 3 weeks, and it is an absolute joke. Not only that, but 3 out of the 4 weeks we are on mid-late shifts, starting anytime from around 11am and ending at 9.30pm at the latest (for example:1100-1930 or 1300-2130). So, the days are wasted when we are scheduled in. There is no decent amount of time in the day or evening to have some time to myself. Because it is so long between grouped days off, this is just ridiculous.

Ive raised this with my line manager and he said there is nothing he can do (which I expected), so I will be raising this as a grievance with HR along with the other people stuck on my pattern. Theres so much going on at work at the moment and this just feels like another boot in the face while im down.

I really need to look for something new, im fed up of doing jobs like this. I need a new direction but have no idea where to start. Im not exactly young anymore (31, ouch) but need to get retrained in something. I was looking at IT jobs years back but im not sure they are as safe for a long term career as they used to be. I need to get another job in the mean time but im not sure I can face another call centre role.

First Counselling Session

So I went to my first NHS counselling session on Wednesday. Im not going to go into a massive amount of detail on this blog about what we discuss in these sessions but I do want to give an overview of points of interest.

When we first met and before id even had a chance to take my coat off I was asked what I preferred to be called. Ill be honest I wasnt really expecting that question, but chose my male name since that was how I was presented. It feels weird to use a female name if I dont present as female.

This appears to be a whole different kind of counselling than what I went through before. My last lot of counselling was more or less about the here and now, and tools to help move forward. Plus, it also seemed to be geared totally around my gender problems. This time around the counseller wants to use a 'holistic approach', and wants to look at the whole package. My mood, motivation, diet, exercise, and so on. She also seems to be taking a broader view on my history as well. Previously it was again centered around my gender, where this time we have already talked about my childhood and family life when I was younger.

When we finished I was meant to go straight to work but I ended up going home (on the counsellors instruction) for 20-30 mins to chill out and let my mind settle. I certainly wasnt in as happy a place as I was when I went in and this was only the first session.

Im not the kind of person that opens up and shares my thoughts and feelings under normal circumstances anyway. I never really speak about them with an actual person, usually I just bottle things up and/or write about them on here. Because of this I can see future conversations being particularly uncomfortable.

The next session is in two weeks and in some ways im looking forward to it, in other ways im not.

Photobombed

It appears during my last set of photos that my kitten Molly decided to photobomb one of them without me realising it. She was fascinated by the camera and spent a fair bit of time trying to climb up the pole I had attached it too.

I was hoping all the way through that she wouldnt try and climb my leg like she usually does when she wants some fuss. Not only would she ruin my tights, but also my leg too! Her claws are sharp!

Counselling

I finally got a letter from my GP yesterday inviting me in for counselling, which is on Wednesday morning. Considering how long its taken to get this far, im surprised the appointment is so soon. Im meant to be working on Wednesday but im sure work wont have a problem with me attending. Now the appointment has come up though I feel a bit unsure about going.

I dont feel anywhere near as depressed as I did when I was referred. That doesnt mean im completely 100% feeling good, im not. But im the kind of person who doesnt go the doctor unless im really, really bad. The NHS is stretched enough as it is and it can do without the people who go there who can make do.

I feel like I should prepare in some way. I feel like im going in for an interview or a test rather than counselling, and I dont know why. Ive been to counselling before so I know what to expect. Maybe its their expectation, im on file now as having Gender Dysphoria but I havent felt severely Dysphoric in a while. I still have my moments but nothing to the degree I felt last year. I dont want to go there and for them to think im wasting their time.

Making Up for Lost Time

As you may have gathered from the pics dotted around the post, ive finally got my act together and dressed up for the first time in ages. I decided to get the camera out as well so there were numerous costume changes as I tried on some outfits I wanted to wear on my next night out to see how they would look. I think the wine dress on the top left is my favourite, the cowl neck and floaty skirt is definitely a more flattering shape.

I decided to get my new camera out and try the tripod id bought for it, as well as take photos remotely via my iPad and it worked a treat.

I think the problem ive been having with the dressing is there has been no purpose. When im off work, I dont dress up just to sit around the house. A lot of the time I dont even get out of my pyjamas (I know, such a slob!) so going through all the hassle of shaving and putting on tons of makeup is far more of an effort that I would usually put in on a day off. I think I need to get myself some ladies slob-wear, maybe that would help.

Motivation

Starting tomorrow im going to do some exercise, the deadline has been set. Nothing heavy, just stretching to start off for the first week or two, then im going to start doing Yoga or Pilates. My body is all stiff and I need to stretch it out a bit. Ive been saying im going to do this for months but I admit I have just been too lazy to do it. I have really bad knees which I went to physio about last year, I was given some exercises to do but never got around to doing them. Lately my knees have been getting worse so I need to do something about it.

This has always been my problem though, I lack the motivation to help myself. Whether its my knees, my teeth, going out dressed up, going out at all, or socialising with friends, I just lack motivation. I have things I want or need to do, but when I get the time off all I do is stay at home and waste my time. I dont do things unless I really have to. This is something that needs to change but its a learned behaviour now, its a difficult thing to push past.

A Few Random Things Update

Im sorry for not replying to those of you who commented on my last post, its just been a bit of a manic week and I havent really been keeping up to date on here.

Last Wednesday I had my GP appointment and told her about the side effects id been having and she said I needed to come off what id been taking. The option was given to change medication to something else but with how crazy the side effects had been I said I wanted to try and come off the anti-depressants entirely for a little bit to try and clear my head, but if I start feeling really low again then I would consider something else. On Wednesday I dropped my dose down to 1 a day, and starting Wednesday I will drop it again to 1 every other day and just take it from there really. Since reducing the dose the dreams have still been as intense and crazy as ever, however the bouncing around in bed as I sleep thankfully seems to have calmed right down and all I do at the moment is still talk in my sleep. Im hoping this will also die down as time goes on.

On Friday I already started to feel the effects of the ADs reducing, and I cant say it is for the better. My general mood has been lower than it has recently, and while ive been able to put on a brave face inside has been a different story. I wont go so far as to say im feeling the depression again, but im feeling generally pretty indifferent to life at the moment, and the lump in my throat seems to come back from time to time too. The only exception to this was Saturday night.

On Saturday night I went out clubbing for the first time in probably a year or more, and I loved it. Sadly I went as a bloke but I was happy for the chance to blow off some steam. One of my favourite old school UK Hard Trance DJs was booked to play at a local night and me and my gf went out for a dance. We didnt bother trying to meet up with old friends or anything, we just turned up, had some drinks and danced like mad for hours. Its been a long time since ive heard music like that and even longer since I heard music like that on a club sound system, and it made me realise how much I miss clubbing. On the flip side of this though I also had the odd bout of dysphoria to get through too. There were too many trendy girls dressed the way I would want to dress to go out clubbing, and on occasion it really put me off although for the most part I just concentrated on the alcohol and music to relative success. That night made me realise that I think my 'raving years' were an effort to try and bury this side of me. For many, many years music, partying, and drugs were the centre of my life. They were the only things I concentrated on and while I had bouts of thoughts about wanting to be a girl, they were nowhere near as extended and severe as before or after.

On Sunday me and my gf went into town and did some shopping, went for food, and generally had a relaxing day. I bought some new clothes which are really nice, however when it came to trying them on today almost none of them fit right, it is so frustrating!!! I was going to dress up today (again) but got so annoyed it put me right off. Im fed up of this, I just wish my shoulders werent so bloody huge!

And finally, ive had an idea for a trans* website that as far as I can see hasnt been done before. Ive gone so far as to brainstorm a few ideas but am really not sure where to start on setting it up. Problems I will have are actually creating it, hosting it, spreading the word, monetizing it, and so on. Im not too fussed on making any kind of profit, but I think I will need to stump up some cash to initially buy the website template, and also to host it too so am more bothered about covering those costs really. If anyone has any insights or experience in doing this I would love some advice!

"Be True To Who You Are..."

The title of this post is a line my GP said today during another of my follow up appointments. Its a line that stuck in my head because on reflection, I dont know who I am anymore. Maybe I never did. My heads been trying to make sense of this gender crap for so long now that ive lost sight of where I came from and where I need to go.

When asked if I wasnt with my partner where do I think I would be now, I gave the same answer that I gave my counsellor last year when she asked the same question: "id probably have started self-medding hormones a long time ago". This is an accurate answer, but after thinking about it afterwards, would I have been doing it for the right reasons? I really dont know. I found it difficult to have a proper conversation with my GP about it, mostly because it was too early in the morning for me and I just couldnt engage my brain to consider my responses and properly convey what I wanted to say.

I see myself as me. A male me. A man me. A hairy, sweaty, lazy, miserable, ageing, masculine me. This is who I am, but I hate it. Equally, I long to be female. I cant begin to describe how badly I want it some days. Every waking moment filled with thoughts of what life could be like, and filled with envy, jealousy, depression and frustration whenever I think about or see the fairer sex, or those that have transitioned to join them. Do I hate the male me because I feel like I should be a woman? I dont think so no. I think I hate it because it makes it more difficult for me to become my female self when I need to. All that bloody hair, horrible skin, veins sticking out, knobbly joints and sticky out bones. All the things that are tell tale signs of testosterone infestation are things that I hate about myself. But, these are all physical signs. I think like a man, I behave like a man, I talk like a man, and it seems that all of the mental aspects im ok with. If I could just stay as I am and swap bodies I would be happy.

I think time is a factor, its slipping away at an accelerated rate and as it passes more issues have to be considered, and in turn stressing me out more. Ive been with my partner for 10 years, she is approaching the point where she will want children, probably soon. I need to have this gender conflict resolved so it can either give her an opportunity for a clean break and a chance to find someone else before time runs out for her, or know that I will be in a stable enough position to be able to stay with her and have kids together, without worrying about succumbing to GD. In an ideal world I would love to stay with her regardless of what direction I go in but I already know that transitioning would mean the end of us.

Bottom line. I want to manage this, and this is what I told my GP. Drugs, counselling, CBT, whatever it takes. Transition is a last resort for when all else fails.

But just typing the above sentence is making me feel like im making a mistake, its making me feel sad. But I dont think I could deal with the social suicide of going full time. Im not under any illusion of being able to pass, I wont. The testosterone has done its damage over the years and it will be plainly obvious to all what I used to be. Being an outcast, always being seen as different by friends and family, this makes me feel sadder. It just seems ive got to decide between 2 pretty shitty outcomes, neither im going to be completely happy with.

I just dont have the time to figure this out, and this adds to the pressure.

Frustration

So the last few days have been particularly difficult. The GD has been coming back with a vengeance, and in turn the low moods that come with it. I dont think the anti depressants have been working as well as they should do anymore. Ive just not been able to switch off, and have felt like crap because of it.

The morning walk to work has always been particularly difficult even since being on the happy pills, especially now since my walkman doesnt work anymore so I literally have no distraction on the 35 min walk. However when I get to work I can usually busy myself and then forget about it within about 10-15 mins. Yesterday though I couldnt shake it and its stuck with me pretty much since then. The slight feeling of wanting to cry all the time (one of the things which prompted me to go to my GP last time) has been there pretty consistently up until now, and ive also been miserable, depressed, demotivated and snappy. Ive had urges to hit things, urges to just stop walking, give up and drop to the floor, urges to shout out in frustration, and so on.

I hate this. Im in a rut and I need to be more proactive. The only way im going to figure this side of me out is by giving it more room. I havent done anything since Sparkle, I talk about going out more regularly and have done for ages, but actually havent got off my arse to do it. To figure out where the events are, when they are on, the logistics of getting there, and so on.

I need to set myself a deadline. By the end of next week im going to aim to have a plan in place. Some places to go, some people to meet, something to do, and how to go about it.

Demotiv-8 Upd-8

So the happy pills finally kicked in about a week and a half ago, and im feeling much better. The first few weeks were horrible, going through stages of feeling spaced out, not thinking straight, feeling up then down, and so on, but once they leveled out its a lot better. I still feel a tiny bit, I dont know how to describe it, fluffy? But I can work through it. Its odd, sometimes if something has triggered a low feeling I feel like my head is saying I should be depressed or miserable, but I dont actually feel it. This is particularly noticeable with the GD, my head goes through the thoughts but the bad feelings attached just arent there, mostly. I do feel a little bad on occasion but its nothing compared to where I was. The only other thing is the drowsiness, if I havent slept right or enough, where I used to be able to deal with it no problem for a few days, now it just hits me so hard. I just feel like napping a lot.

I went back to the GP today for my first check up since telling her and starting the anti depressants. It was ok really, the GD wasnt discussed much. She did ask if I had been thinking about it as much since starting the anti depressants and to be honest I dont think I have. I still think about it a lot but I dont think about it is as much as I used to. I took another depression test and compared it to one I took at my last appointment, and I have gone down from moderately depressed to mild. I didnt feel moderately depressed last time, I can tell you, but thats the result I was given! I have another appointment in a few weeks so we shall have to see how that goes. Im also now on the waiting list for a counsellor, but have to wait 7 months for an appointment which is a crazy amount of time but I dont really have a choice.

In other news, our kitten is one evil feline! He is now about 3 months old, and I am absolutely covered in scratches. Hands, arms, legs, feet, everywhere. And this morning it clawed my head while I was sleeping because my gf left the bedroom door open while she was getting ready for work, and I am left with a nice long scratch on my face. Thanks. Its nice and cute for about 5 minutes a day, the rest it just runs around and attacks everything. So annoying!

This Morning I Told My GP

So, this morning I told my GP. The wait to see her took forever, and every time a name was called up over the tannoy my anxiety ratcheted up a notch which considering I waited for 45 mins, meant I worked myself up quite a lot before getting to see her. When I finally sat down with her I told her how ive been feeling over the past 3-4 weeks, depressed, on the verge of tears, low self esteem, difficulty being motivated or concentrating, and so on.

Considering I was off work previously with work related stress the obvious starting point for her was to ask how it was going, which all things considered it is ok. Its never going to be stress free since this is the nature of the job but comparing now to what it was like last year it is so much better, and I am happier there too. However what im feeling now is a lot different to what I had last year. Less stress, more emotion.

So she then asked about my private life, and this was my opening. So, my hands waved around and my mouth opened and closed a few times while I considered where and how to start before I told her that ive been struggling with what I believe is Gender Dysphoria, and that lately its been difficult to manage. It was at this point I almost cried a bit, that lump in my throat that has been there for weeks almost gave way. I told her I was a practicing Transvestite which sometimes helps and that the last few years I have been trying to manage it but recently have been struggling to.

I forget exactly how the conversation went. We talked about me coming to realise it wasnt going away, getting some clothes in to try and explore things, telling my girlfriend, how I thought things were getting better, and even briefly Sparkle too. I talked about the thoughts that never go away, the white noise in my head, the fact it gets in the way, and the frustration and obsessing. I also told her I have looked into self-medding a few times over the years too (which I dont think ive admitted to anyone before). In an effort to assure me I suppose she told me that they do have some Transgender patients who go there so they do have some experience in dealing with people like me.

She asked what I want to do, I said I want to manage it. I dont want to transition or anything like that, she kind of looked surprised at this. She asked if my partner wasnt in the picture would I be giving the same answer, and I probably wouldnt be. Like I said to the counsellor I went to see last year, if I wasnt with her id probably be on a very different path now. She asked if I have told her how ive been feeling, and I havent. She is a worrier, and someone I love very much. If I told her all it would do is fuel her paranoia of me wanting to go FT, which if I ever did it would mean the end of our relationship, which is the last thing I want. Im confident there must be a way of living with this.

My GP said if I had walked in and said something like: "I want to be a woman" she would have referred me but since im not in a position where I know what I need, she couldnt, which is fair enough. Ive been signed onto the waiting list to speak to an NHS counsellor which will take about 6 months, for the depression she has given me anti-depressants which unlike last year I have accepted this time, and I have to go back and speak to her in a few weeks time.

Ive missed a lot of the conversation out to be honest, im never good at remembering the details but above is the general gist of it.

Did I leave feeling relieved, elated, or cured? No. I was going to dress up today, I bought a few new dresses from New Look yesterday too and wanted to try them on but I feel so low and demotivated im just not in the mood at all. But at least im in the system now, I have a doctor I can talk to about it. Something is happening.

Low-Mo Update

The past few days in work has been a nightmare. I wake up ok, start feeeling crappy on the way into work, and then this continues for most of the day. I cant concentrate, im procrastinating like mad, im just spending my days sat there staring into space when I should be working. When I do try and work I cant keep it up for long before I have to take a break and hide in the loo for 5 mins while I get my act together. Just to make things worse yesterday at two seperate times through the day I had two members of my team in absolute tears due to personal issues at home, which obviously cant be helped but really was the last thing I needed yesterday. I wasnt in the mood to be empathetic, or patient. Im a manager not a bloody counsellor, and ive got my own stuff to work through at the moment.

Conversation easily distracts, so when I get home it usually does calm down a little. But when I am in work and at a time where I cant really talk to my team, my mind wanders and I start feeling really crappy about myself.

Ive got a GP appointment booked in for tomorrow where I shall be telling her I think my depression is coming back. I shall also be telling her about being Transgender too as I do feel the two are linked, unless of course I chicken out! And no, I dont feel its anything to do with some kind of a Sparkle come-down, although that probably hasnt helped. I was noticing some of my depression 'tics' about a week or two before Sparkle, and my GD has been kicking right off as well since before that.

Hair. Girls hair seems to be my thing lately. I shave my head as it is receeding a little at the front, plus my girlfriend doesnt like long hair on men, but whenever I see long hair on a girl (which is quite a lot surprisingly!) it really makes me feel bad about myself. I want it! I want long hair, I want to wear it up, I want to tie it back and leave some bangs or a fringe sweeping across my face, I want it blonde, brown, black and/or red, I want it straightened and/or curly. It doesnt seem to matter, but it seems to the thing defining my feminine desires at the moment, and it is so frustrating!

In other news, as of yesterday we now have a cat. Well, a kitten. Its currently lying on the couch next to me sleeping but it does seem to like hunting my feet with its claws and teeth out, which is quite annoying! Its a tabby that we havent named yet, and we also dont know what sex it is either until we have been able to get it to the vets for its jabs. Suggestions for cute cat names are welcome!

Post Sparkle Blues

Well this week I have gradually been feeling worse and worse about myself. Ive put off writing this for a few days because I want to try and avoid typing 'rage-posts' like I used to when feeling low, at the same time the problem with this is I have forgotten some of clarity of my thoughts and feelings over the past week.

For maybe a week or two before Sparkle, I started noticing on occasions I would exhibit some of the little behaviours I used to have when I had depression. Putting myself down while saying it out loud, occasional low mood for no apparent reason, difficulty sleeping, irritability, etc. These mostly dissapeared over Sparkle weekend, apart from the occasional talking to myself moment I was happy. Post sparkle though, they are back and I have noticed other symptoms too. Feeling really miserable, short temper, feeling like I want to cry for no apparent reason and more. Not only that, but these are coupled with obsessive thoughts over my T side, hating the male characteristics showing through after being groomed for sparkle (body hair regrowth, horrible skin, etc), and feeling off physically, which I can only describe as feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Sometimes, specifically in work I can be distracted from most of what I am feeling, or at least can put on a front. Other times I have to take extra breaks because I just feel so off and I cant concentrate on what I am supposed to be doing.

This is the final straw I think, im going to book a GP appointment this week. Either my depression is coming back or my GD is getting worse, or both. This time though work is not the culprit since I have been relatively happy there for a while, which means im going to have to tell my GP about Aimee. Im fed up of feeling like this. I can go ages feeling fine and then for no apparent reason my 'I want to be a woman' thoughts are back and im miserable. I need to do something about it.

I was meant to be going to a house warming party tonight but cancelled because im not exactly in a social-able mood, I ended up having a little argument with my girlfriend over it because this is turning into a regular thing now where my social anxiety has got in the way of things and ive deliberately made excuses not to go (not telling her about the anxiety though). This time however its a little different.

Mental White Noise

Im finding it difficult to find time to sit down and write on here lately. I really wanted to do this the other day when it happened and was still fresh in my memory, but just havent had the chance.

I think about my trans side almost continuously when my brain is idle. Clothes, plans, ideas, things to try, picturing myself in the photos I have taken, and so on. Usually it is not a problem because when I need to actually think about stuff it just easily dissapears into the background, but I am not joking when I say that most of my waking thought is spent thinking about this side of me.

Now, I was in work on Monday and as the day progressed I was finding it more and more difficult to concentrate, to the point where I couldnt actually work anymore. I had to stop and go take a break off the floor to try and clear my head but even then it didnt really go away for most of the day. Its difficult to describe but it was like I wasnt thinking about anything specific but I knew the general theme was about my trans side. The closest I can come to describing it is like a mental white noise, for hours I couldnt focus at all. Not only that but a sensation accompanied it that I can only describe as being uncomfortable in my own skin from head to toe.  Ive thought and felt similar things before but never together and never this intense.

Since then over the past few days I have been feeling pretty low for no apparant reason and today I nearly didnt even go into work at all. It would have probably been a good idea to stay off because I was very short tempered, to the point I nearly lost it in work and again had to take a break before I took it out on someone.

What is going on with me this week?

Increased Desire

After getting an opportunity to dress the other day I hoped it would have sated the nagging thoughts and frustrations ive been having for a while now, but it seemed to have had the opposite effect and actually made them stronger.

Im obsessed! To the point where ive actually been getting distracted in work! I cant switch off from it at all. Self analyzing, making plans, deciding where I am going with this, frustrations of my current situation, and picturing myself in different outfits and situations among other things, and then the envy and jealousy again as well.

And then ive actually been feeling uncomfortable in my own skin too which is something I havent felt in a while. Its a weird sensation to describe (mainly in my chest and upper body) but I dont ever remember it being this strong. Its usually when I am obsessing that I feel it.

Is it because its been so long that when I managed to dress up it just amplified the need because I fed it? God, it sound like an addiction doesnt it. I suppose in some ways it is a psychological addiction.

Obsessing Again

Its been about three weeks now since I last had a chance to dress up and im beginning to struggle a little now, im getting a little annoyed/frustrated/stressed. Today of all days when im meant to be making some big gesture to my partner about how much I love her, and all I want to do is as little as possible. Ive been obsessing again, constantly running things through my head about this side of my life, and its been slowly depressing me over the past few days. I dont think the pressure of Valentines day is helping either to be honest. Im not some hopeless romantic, and I know I put my partner through a hell of a lot, but I just fail at this every year.

I tried to leave the house earlier to go pick up a card and some chocolates from town for her, I put my coat on, sat on the stairs, and then must have sat there for about 20 minutes trying to motivate myself to leave the house. I couldnt. I had to literally force myself out the door when I had a break in thinking. I eventually got into town and it seemed that every girl that walked past was just triggering a thought that made me feel worse and worse about myself. Wonderful figure, nice leggings, why cant I look like that, lovely hair, cute face, girls are so lucky, nice shoes, love that top, wish I could pull that off, round and round and round and round. By the time I got to M&S to buy some food for our meal tonight, I was so annoyed I had to go home instead. I was on the phone to my partner trying to decide with her what to get and with all the people around me, the old people in my way (ive got nothing against old people by the way, but en-masse in front of the food it got frustrating), trying to figure out what to get over the phone and what was part of the deals...... I gave up.

So now im sat at home and I feel a little calmer now but still feeling pretty sorry for myself. This is another Valentines day ive messed up, a day when I should be showing my gratitude for my partner still standing by my side after all that ive put her through over the past year, and more. No gesture would be big enough to show my appreciation, but I cant even try and make a small one.

Wasting Time

So we are near the end of January already, 2013 is slipping away so quickly. All the things I want to do and already one twelfth of the year has passed me by.

Work is such a time hog. By the time I finish there isnt enough time to do anything apart from to eat and get in a little down time before the next shift, and when I am off I just want to relax and try and forget about my previous shifts, and try not to worry about my next. I dont enjoy being there and I really need to get a new job, but I have debts to pay and there really is not much out there.

Due to the irregularity of my shift pattern im also finding it difficult to find the time and the motivation to socialise with friends from neither my male or female side, or to find time to start working through my new years resolutions in an effort to progress with this side of me. I need to figure out how to fit the routines into my day, and start giving myself some space to be me.

I have been feeling a bit better about myself this week or so, as usual as soon as I had decided I needed to go and see a GP my mood picked up and I didnt actually make that appointment. No doubt in a few weeks I will feel bad again, and as soon as I make the decision to go and see a GP ill perk back up again. It seems when I am on an 'up' I seem to forget about how low I feel when im 'down', its only when I read back the posts on here that I remember what my train of thought was like. I may just try and make an appointment next week anyway, it feels a bit wrong going there when I have nothing really wrong with me at that moment, but I dont want this to get to the point I was at last year.

I have realised that the thoughts I had that would trigger my GD have died down quite a lot over the last month or so. It used to be where I would be continuously running things through my head about where my life was going and where I wanted or needed it to go, usually triggered by seeing people living the life I want to live. Now it just seems that when I am on a low moment I cant really specify why. I just feel like im on an emotional edge for no apparent reason.

Im still in two minds about whether to mention this to the GP. I suppose I should but, I dont know. I kind of dont want to get that ball rolling. Something ive wanted almost my entire life is to be female, but this is at odds with my current circumstances. Im trying so hard to just find a balance that works and going through this could probably just make things worse for me.

Typing this is making me feel low again so I am going to stop for now.