Monday, 22 April 2013

Finding Time To Socialise Twice

I realised over the weekend that I seem to be neglecting my real life quite badly. Work tends to take a lot out of me as it is, usually a workday is a total write off, but any days off I have I try and dedicate to making time for my T side. Lately though this hasnt been happening at all, once again I set aside today to try and dress up and once again something important came up at short notice. Its getting frustrating now.

The only time I have seen some of my friends is at events I have had to go to (e.g. weddings), but no effort has been made to see any of them at any other time, apart from once this year. There are other close friends (in fact, probably my closest) who I havent seen at all since January. In some ways I feel quite bad for not taking time out to catch up with them, but I just cant prioritise it over the other stuff in my life at the moment. However, the fact that I feel like my T life has stalled and also my real life has stalled just doubles the annoyance.

I cant help but feel that my social anxiety is in play here. I deliberately try and get out of real life social events, so maybe subconsciously im just not making an effort with my friends and coming up with any old excuse (time) not to get in touch in order to avoid social contact entirely.

My limited time outside of work hours is a real barrier, however could I make time to see people if I really wanted to? I dont know. Im quite comfortable with my hermit lifestyle at the moment, although im still keen to get out there as Aimee far more. Ive wasted so much of my life denying her freedom that I need to make up for lost time. I do know that thinking about going out as Aimee has far more increased anxiety attached due to having to meet people I barely know and who will unlikely have many common interests at all but the will is there to push past it I think.

Thursday, 11 April 2013

Slow Going

Well as you can see on my timeline since coming out to my partner followed by my night out to BNO last year, my T life has pretty much crawled to a halt and this is frustrating. Partially this is due to opportunity, but partially motivation too. I suppose I kind of hoped I would have done a lot more by now and actually got out there more, but I havent. I really need to make time to do this more. I have been talking with the people I went to BNO with and we are looking at doing something next month which is great, but its taken too long to get to this point. Twice a year is too far apart.

Ive been off work for a week again, and ive had plenty of opportunities to do some little things. I was going to fully shave, buy a new wig and paint my nails too, but just havent. Its not lazyness, I just seem to be locked in a vicious circle of trying to justify the effort when I seem to be quite unhappy with what I will achieve.

Once again I bought a ton of clothes and was unhappy to find that once again most of it just didnt suit me at all, some of it worse than others. At least I can return it all but its so frustrating. Im very aware im never going to look convincing, but im having difficulty finding that balance where I am happy and accept it is the best I am going to look.

On a plus note, I have started ticking things off my new years resolutions. Ive actually started doing exercise! On Monday me and my partner went to Sports Direct and forked out for some running gear. As chavvy as that shop is I bought a nice pair of running trainers, some running socks, and some tracksuit bottoms for only £45... What a bargain! Since then we have been jogging twice this week and intend to keep going every other day, and once my body has got used to it and once I have worked out a routine around my shifts I intend to do either yoga or pilates on the days in between the jogging. Ive also been looking at ways to improve my diet too although havent fully decided on anything yet.

Monday, 1 April 2013

Negative Self Image

Be warned, im moaning again.

Its been a while since I have dressed up and im sat here dressed but dont have the energy to go any further. Im so frustrated with my body image. Ive posted about this kind of thing before but I dont care, I need to get this off my chest.

It started with shaving my face. Im actually getting pretty good at it now but my face is red raw with patches of shave burn I got so close, and there is a spot to the left of my face under the jawline where I have caught it so many times its just 2 big red balloons on my face, and once again of course I caught it. Im fed up of it, totoally fed up of it. I hate having a beard but dont shave for long periods because I hate shaving more! I cant win!

I bought loads of clothes from ASOS the other week (I had a voucher for 20% off and went a bit mad...) and I finally tried them all on today, and decided they are all going back. I hate it. My arms, my shoulders, my hair poking out from where it shouldnt. I had the big mirror in the spare room so I could properly see what I looked like and all I see looking back is man, and all the cute dresses (two of which I absolutely love) just seem to accentuate the parts I want to hide. Its saddening. The hair I can kind of do something about and my hips I can accentuate, but my arms and shoulders are going nowhere.

This has just taken all the energy out of what I wanted to do today now.  Ive got some leggings, a dress and a cardi on and thats it, I havent done anything else and I just cant bring myself to do anything else either.

Fuck its frustrating.

Why couldnt I have been born a girl. Or even an extremely slim man. Im stuck in a vicous circle and I cant see a way out. Want to look like girl > Dress like girl > Hate what I see > Want to look like a girl > And on and on and on and on...