Thursday, 22 December 2016

When the gf is away, the girl comes out to play!

I can count on one hand the amount of times I have dressed up this year, but since my other half has gone to her parents and I treated myself the other night, I put the effort in and had a bit of a dress up today. I do love the top and the slippers are so comfy and warm as the fur goes all the way through the inside too!!!

Wednesday, 21 December 2016


Last night after work I thought I would pop around some clothes shops to see if I could treat myself to something nice and girly this xmas. I was after some pyjamas mainly as I have no girly sleepwear at all but came home empty handed in that regard. I did however find a cute top in H&M and some (fake) fur slipper boots from Accessorize which were both in a sale. I would have been happy to buy more things but im really trying to be ruthless with what I buy. Ive bought a lot of clothes in the past which ive barely or never worn, and its a waste. Having a wardrobe full of stunning party dresses is great if you have parties to go to!

Ive been shopping in ladies shops before while dressed as a guy, and a lot of the time I just try and be confident and push through it, and on a few occasions even outing myself to the staff at a makeup counter. I didnt even need to one occasion but I was feeling brave! Sometimes though there is a niggling feeling or paranoia, and I get very self conscious of being the only guy in the shop, occasionally to the point where I have to turn around and leave.

Last night though I was absolutely fine, I had no issues walking around doing my thing, perhaps the cover of xmas helped. After a while of weaving through aisles of clothes I came to realise that other ladies in the shop were not paying any attention to me at all, they were just going about their business looking for something nice to wear. I also noticed I was not the only guy shopping solo in the ladies sections either, not only that but there were also groups of guys in there browsing and picking things out, presumably as presents for partners or family, but you never know! :)

Looking back I cant think of any time where ive been shopping where staff or other people have given me any impression that they knew who I was buying for (me!), apart from that one occasion last time I was in London where I was trying some ballet flats on and someone working there was watching what I was up to. But I was being pretty obvious then!

I guess the point of this post is to say not to worry too much if you decide to go shopping on your own. Guys buy clothes for the girls in their lives all the time, as long as you arent holding the dress up to yourself, im sure you will be fine. If you are worried, walk around with a list in your hand, have a pre-prepared excuse if you need to (xmas, birthday, etc), but other shoppers and staff wont bother you unless you give them an excuse to. And even if they do figure it out, does it really matter? The staff just want a sale, you might be the subject of their gossip for a bit but thats about it, and as for the other shoppers, who cares! If you are shopping locally though, obviously consider the chances of bumping into someone you know.

I usually shop online and its great if you are worried about being seen in ladies shops, but sometimes its nice to go out and actually see the clothes for real. I was in Topshop and saw a green one shoulder dress I had seen online which looked very pretty, but looked absolutely stunning seeing it for real. I wanted to buy it even though I would never be able to wear such a thing, and its on sale too. Damn it. I wish my hips were just a little bit bigger!

Sunday, 18 December 2016

Friendships Lost - This One Is On Me

Well after my last post about people just stopping replying to me, it seems I am guilty of unwittingly doing the same.

This hasnt been a great year. As you can probably tell by the lack of posts I havent exactly been up to much when it comes to this side of my life. My real life is partially to blame. I work long hours in a mentally intense job that means when I get downtime I often want to spend it like a vegetable. And then I havent exactly been feeling positive about myself for quite some time either, falling into old mental habits of self loathing and so on. So when the times come where I could dress up when the day actually comes, much like today, I just cant be bothered. Ive written about these on the blog before, so didnt want to bore anyone with the details again.

This then extends to my use of social media. Im not a heavy user at all, far from it, so any updates from me are very infrequent. Messages may also go unanswered for quite sometime, sometimes longer than I plan to as life gets in the way, but this is not intentional.

So this brings me to an old friend that I have wronged, hurt to the point that she has felt the need to go so far as to block me and remove me from whatever contact sites and social media we were connected on, and I didnt even notice until yesterday evening. Im not going to pretend I dont deserve it, I probably do, but it still hurts me to think that I have hurt her enough to make her feel that she needed to go this far.

We met up on a trans contact site years ago now and were drawn together by among other things, a mutual dislike of that site. She gave me her mobile number to use as a lifeline when I came out to my partner all those years ago, and she is the only person I have trusted to add as a friend on my real life Facebook. She is not anywhere near local, so we have not met up to now.

Over the years obviously circumstances change. We had kept in touch from time to time across various other sites, but that contact petered out, and this part is probably my fault. She last tried to get in touch a few months ago to give me some amazing news on a new direction her life was taking, but she sent me that message on a site I havent been active on for about 2 years now, but do occasionally check in on to pick up messages. She left a comment on my last post on here about a month ago expressing her disappointment, which I only came across last night. I originally replied to this, but then decided to remove it and post about it instead.

I have tried to contact her again, but it seems the damage is already done. And its my fault.

Ive had friends go quiet on me before, but im always conscious of the way this works for some people. That this is a second life that sometimes has to take a back seat to the one that pays the bills, that it is often operated in secret, or even that it can take a mental toll sometimes that can be difficult to process, and takes time to heal. As I said in my last post, I have a few friends that currently have me in this holding pattern, some for longer than others. And while it can be a little frustrating that this is the case, I understand that sometimes it cant be helped and if they do decide to pop back up again, we can just pick up where we left off. It seems I have done this to my friend too many times, and she has had enough.

Ive never claimed to be perfect, and I make a lot of mistakes all of the time. Im not innocent in this and feel terrible that its got to this point, and that she felt it was so bad it was better to just block me out entirely rather than give me an opportunity to explain myself or even give a well deserved apology. But there is nothing I can do about this now.