Monday, 30 September 2013

Gotta Stop

Well, the past few weeks have been an interesting experience. Since upping my dose nearly a month ago the medication has been having some adverse effects. Once they started bedding in, every night for weeks now I have been having the most vivid, crazy, lucid, random, intense dreams I have ever had. Ever. Theyve been great fun and as long as they dont turn to nightmares id be happy for them to continue. The problem is that I am also grinding my teeth really hard and fidgeting like crazy in bed every night as well, which means im hurting my teeth and jaw,  im not really resting properly, and I also keep waking my gf up. The other night I was kicked out of bed at 1.30am because she had had enough of me bouncing around.

Ive got a GP appointment again this week, im thinking of asking to be taken off them totally and see how that goes. Im fed up of having a cloudy head and feeling tired all the time. I am physically and mentally exhausted, and at this point id rather be miserable than this tired!

Friday, 13 September 2013

Little Things

I still havent dressed up since Sparkle which was now 2 months ago, but over the past few days ive taken a few baby steps. I have kind of let my appearance go lately so the other day I took some time to groom myself and tidy up my eyebrows a bit, I was going to dress up but after all the effort I couldnt face doing anything else. I also trimmed, filed, and painted my nails for the first time in ages too which was nice, and then took it off yesterday evening. It wasnt as fulfilling as dressing up but it certainly cheered me up a little.

Last night though I had an idea. Just before I went to bed I painted my ring finger on both hands in a few coats of clear nail polish and then wore it to work today! And im still wearing it now! No-one has noticed (as far as I know) and my partner doesnt know about it either. If she had noticed she would have brought it up. I dont know, I might have been having a good day anyway, but just knowing it was on, and being able to feel it when running my fingers over the nails seemed to make the day a lot more bearable, and the GD a lot calmer than usual. I might have to keep this up!

Tuesday, 10 September 2013

Drama Queen?

Recently ive been thinking am I just being too dramatic? Am I making the GD out to be worse than it is? On my better days like now I read back what ive typed on this blog and it feels over the top somehow.

This blog only reflects snippets of my life that are mainly related to my gender identity and expression, but as they are all in one place it looks like the whole. A lot of the time im able to get on with my life, sure the GD is still there bubbling away underneath it all but it doesnt stop me functioning, it just alters the difficulty sometimes as the levels of frustration fluctuates by quite a large amount but usually over a long period of time. Again, a lot of the time I can shrug it to the side and just get on with things but when I do have my low moments they can be really low. This is when I tend to post, and as such, this is why my blog looks like im just in a state of misery all the time. But those big gaps between posts are generally because ive just been able to get on with things and live a relatively normal life. And considering it can be weeks between posts, thats a lot of normality.

Maybe the anti depressants are helping in this regard, well they must be, that is their job really.

I speak about transition a fair bit on here, particularly when I feel at my lowest and most confused. Ive wanted to be a woman for most of my life, almost as far back as I can remember. It frustrates me that im not and im pretty sure on my deathbed itll be something I regret massively. But, deep down I just know its not the path for me, as much as I want it to be. At the same time, its difficult to make an informed decision about where I want to go with this when ive had so little experience living as a female, and this is proving to be a difficult thing to resolve with real life getting in the way all the time. As much as I want answers now im coming to realise I just cant rush this.

In some ways im kind of regretting getting the GP involved now, but its too late for that. I still want the counselling in an effort to help me cope with it all, and going privately last year only got me so far.

I want to thank everyone that has commented recently and emailed me, the range of advice and opinions you give really do help, and it means a lot to me that your willing to take the time out to share them with me too.

Thursday, 5 September 2013

"Be True To Who You Are..."

The title of this post is a line my GP said today during another of my follow up appointments. Its a line that stuck in my head because on reflection, I dont know who I am anymore. Maybe I never did. My heads been trying to make sense of this gender crap for so long now that ive lost sight of where I came from and where I need to go.

When asked if I wasnt with my partner where do I think I would be now, I gave the same answer that I gave my counsellor last year when she asked the same question: "id probably have started self-medding hormones a long time ago". This is an accurate answer, but after thinking about it afterwards, would I have been doing it for the right reasons? I really dont know. I found it difficult to have a proper conversation with my GP about it, mostly because it was too early in the morning for me and I just couldnt engage my brain to consider my responses and properly convey what I wanted to say.

I see myself as me. A male me. A man me. A hairy, sweaty, lazy, miserable, ageing, masculine me. This is who I am, but I hate it. Equally, I long to be female. I cant begin to describe how badly I want it some days. Every waking moment filled with thoughts of what life could be like, and filled with envy, jealousy, depression and frustration whenever I think about or see the fairer sex, or those that have transitioned to join them. Do I hate the male me because I feel like I should be a woman? I dont think so no. I think I hate it because it makes it more difficult for me to become my female self when I need to. All that bloody hair, horrible skin, veins sticking out, knobbly joints and sticky out bones. All the things that are tell tale signs of testosterone infestation are things that I hate about myself. But, these are all physical signs. I think like a man, I behave like a man, I talk like a man, and it seems that all of the mental aspects im ok with. If I could just stay as I am and swap bodies I would be happy.

I think time is a factor, its slipping away at an accelerated rate and as it passes more issues have to be considered, and in turn stressing me out more. Ive been with my partner for 10 years, she is approaching the point where she will want children, probably soon. I need to have this gender conflict resolved so it can either give her an opportunity for a clean break and a chance to find someone else before time runs out for her, or know that I will be in a stable enough position to be able to stay with her and have kids together, without worrying about succumbing to GD. In an ideal world I would love to stay with her regardless of what direction I go in but I already know that transitioning would mean the end of us.

Bottom line. I want to manage this, and this is what I told my GP. Drugs, counselling, CBT, whatever it takes. Transition is a last resort for when all else fails.

But just typing the above sentence is making me feel like im making a mistake, its making me feel sad. But I dont think I could deal with the social suicide of going full time. Im not under any illusion of being able to pass, I wont. The testosterone has done its damage over the years and it will be plainly obvious to all what I used to be. Being an outcast, always being seen as different by friends and family, this makes me feel sadder. It just seems ive got to decide between 2 pretty shitty outcomes, neither im going to be completely happy with.

I just dont have the time to figure this out, and this adds to the pressure.