Monday, 22 October 2012

Finding My Aimee/Bob Life Balance

Ive been feeling pretty down for the past few days now, I really didnt feel like going into work today so took the day off sick (im only in training and ive been through it already, im not missing anything). Its been so noticeable my partner has been worried today, thinking there is another revelation or something on the way. For example she asked "are you bi?" to which I replied "no", but I could not tell her the real reason why ive been feeling this way, because it would make her worry for our future together.

Ive been trying to picture and plan where and how far I want to go with this side of me, and how feasible this is with where my life is at the moment, and to be honest some of it just isnt feasible at all. If I did decide I wanted to take things forward then that would probably mean the end of my relationship with my partner and this is not something I want to do. So basically I am damned if I do, damned if I dont. Ive been trying to figure out for days which is more important and I really dont know. Do I compromise and probably regret not taking this as far as I want to, or do I split up with an amazing person to give myself the space to do this as much as I want to.

Is it worth trading it all in for a potential lifetime of loneliness? Ive read so many stories of straight T-Girls who have been single for many many years because girls just dont like it, and I know ive been lucky with how accepting my partner has been and I really dont want to lose her. We have found an Aimee/Bob life balance which my partner is happy with at the moment, but I just dont know if it is enough for me.

Obsessing Over The Future

Ive begun to realise that I am becoming more and more obsessed with this side of me. From the moment I wake to when I go to bed, whether I am at home, in work, out and about, watching tv, in a bar, or even on the loo, whenever I have 2 seconds spare you can be sure I will be either on my phone checking in on the sites I am registered on, or analyzing myself trying to figure out where this is leading. If my mind is kept occupied its fine but as soon as it isnt it starts wandering.

Today ive actually been feeling a little low as a result of my analyzing thoughts. Based on the current boundaries my partner currently has with this side of me ive been trying to figure out what it is I want to do to get Aimee out there, potential challenges to achieving them and if I will be able to do them within these restraints. Some of the main TG specific things include:
  • Take hair regrowth medicine (Finastride) and grow my hair - Need to get prescription plus can be expensive, partner does not like men with long hair
  • Get manicure/pedicure and keep nails tidy with clear nail polish - Partner does not like the idea of me wearing nail polish on my finger nails day to day
  • Permanent hair removal treatment on face mainly and possibly body - Very expensive, partner does not like this idea of me having a 'baby face'
  • Change diet and do exercises specifically to improve feminine figure and movement (jogging and maybe something like Pilates) - Not discussed with partner at this point
Things like this are playing around my head over and over again and it frustrates me knowing that while I am with my partner im never going to fully realise the potential for this side of me. I know relationships are built on compromises and I really appreciate how much she has accepted so far, but I dont think that where I am now is enough anymore. I think im in a position where ive realised I do start want to taking this beyond my partners comfort zone, but im aware that if I do it will be the beginning of the end of our relationship, and this isnt something I want either.

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Back At Work

Ive been meaning to make some more posts on this over the past week or so but ive been really busy trying to get my head back into work mode. Ive been back in work for the past few weeks now, although I am on reduced hours for the time being. Its been an interesting experience so far, it certainly looks calmer but then the busiest time of year is yet to come. My main difficulty at the moment is after being my own person for the past 5 months the days really drag out but its a means to an end. I need the money now, so will have to stick it out for the time being.

Being back in work has meant ive started people watching again, specifically watching the ladies of which there are many. Now this isnt in a pervy lecherous way (although im sure to the outside bystander it could probably look like that), its in an appreciative manner but coming from a man its not going to be seen like that. I cant help myself, I wonder where they got their tops from or admire their fashion sense, or sometimes I put myself in their shoes and wonder what it is like to be them, and then the envy/jealousy hits. It sounds pretty sad I suppose but I cant help it. Its not as bad as it was before I went on sick but I can imagine its going to build back up pretty quick.

Another thing is im struggling at the moment with making myself look satisfactory. I know im never going to pass and ive accepted that, but there are certain decidedly masculine traits that I suffer with more than some that is really beginning to get to me. The main ones are my body hair that even when shaved is still visible, my skin texture and my beard shadow still causes me problems. The problem this is causing me is that it doesnt feel right dressing part way, its all or nothing. And after all the effort I go to to try and make this work, it still doesnt. Its disheartening and on a few occasions now has made me feel like not bothering at all. The problem this leaves me with is that the urge is still strong to do it, and I know im never going to be happy with the result. If I dont dress I get frustrated, if I do, I get frustrated. I cant win!!!

On a side note, one of the girls who used to be on my team has got the most amazing dress and has worn it a few times now since ive been back. I really really want to ask her where she got it, but obviously cant!