Friday, 28 November 2014

Getting Fit... Again...

I am incredibly unfit. My joints creak and ache, and if I sit still long enough, they get stiff and uncomfortable when I have to actually move again. I make noises when I have to stand up (definitely getting old) and I have no stamina at all. Also my ham strings are so tight I can not totally straighten my legs apart from when I am stood up. So, the effort to get fit starts again.

This week I have been trying yoga, and I have done it 3 out of the past 4 days so far. Im not doing it properly by going to classes or anything, oh no. Im doing it my way. I have found a few websites with some beginners poses and this week have been copying the images and instructions, and the routine im doing takes about 20-30 minutes a day. Of course this may mean im doing some of the poses incorrectly, and I certainly dont feel any benefit from a few of them, but with others I can definitely feel the strain.

Yoga looks a lot easier than it really is! You see pictures of people looking all calm and stretching themselves out into positions with ease. The reality for me is aching muscles, shaking, struggling, and in one particular position I go light headed because im upside down for so long! Im sure it will get easier with time but right now my fitness level is so low I cant wait to get out of a few positions.

Im still trying to figure out which poses are the best for me, I want flexibility back in my legs, back and shoulders, and I want to tone without adding muscle. And there also needs to be the consideration that I currently have all the flexibility and grace of a brick. And if there is anything I can do to reduce my waist and/or help give me a slightly more feminine shape, ill do it! Ive been cycling through a few poses but I just dont really know which ones will have the effect I want.

I think in the long run I might look at figuring out a routine which is part yoga, part pilates, and part aerobic exercise to help shape and tone my body, and then maybe after that look at starting to go jogging again. But I definitely need to take it one step at a time.

Monday, 24 November 2014

Keeping Secrets

As the very perceptive 'B. Strong' commented on my last post, ive not exactly been forthcoming with my partner about what ive been getting up to lately when it comes to my girly side. Its not that ive been lying, ive just not really been telling her about anything.

I didnt tell her before I removed my body hair, I didnt tell her that I had ordered new clothes, and I didnt tell her that I had planned to dress up last weekend. She confronted me about this yesterday, and clearly wasnt happy that I wasnt talking about it, and that I was keeping secrets. And even during this conversation I didnt really want to talk about it. Theres a couple of things going on here that means im finding it really difficult to open up about this with her recently. Ive never been entirely comfortable with talking about it anyway but lately this is even worse.

I dont really ask or need to know about everything she does, when she shaves her legs, or what clothes she is buying and why, or even what plans she has on any given day. Im a great believer in personal freedoms, I dont see why I need to check in every thing I decide to do with her. I dont do it (or need to do it) with anything else in my life, so it feels awkward having to 'check in' things I want to do with her, before I do them. But then over the course of the year, she hasnt exactly been the most positive person when I have wanted to talk about it either. Her attitude changes and I can tell that she either wasnt really interested, or wasnt happy to be talking about it. And when I have brought things up like clothes, she shoots the conversation down. She hasnt really been very supportive lately, and again this attitude shows. This hasnt exactly helped with my confidence with bringing things up with her.

Thats not to say she has been entirely negative all the time, we still have had the odd joke over it and she has asked the odd question, but im in a position where I feel like if I do bring it up she probably wont be happy, and if I dont she wont be happy either. In fact, my confidence about showing her this side of me generally has just taken a massive dip. I feel embarrassed, I feel like I let her down. And her attitude with me is not helping.

Sunday, 16 November 2014

And Finally After 6 Months...

I finally dressed up again, and I have missed it terribly. My gf has been away this weekend and within hours it was like a tranny bomb had hit the house. Clothes pulled out from various places and strewn everywhere, makeup all over the table. Assorted trans related goods dotted around the place. I went a bit crazy. :)

Ive had a bit of a clear out. Some of my earlier purchases were not the classiest/flattering, and theyve been sat shamefully at the bottom of various piles for ages. So what this meant is trying on loads and loads of clothes trying to decide what to keep and what to throw away. Ive now got a bag full of clothes from the wardrobe, and ive binned loads of stuff from my tranny-cupboard too. I just couldnt bear to throw away some of my party dresses though, im probably never going to wear them but they are too pretty!

Ive been experimenting with what accessories I use this weekend. Ive been dressing up without boobs just to see what its like and I think when im dressing up more relaxed, I could quite happily go without the breastforms. If im going out though, I may still wear them.

I bought some new makeup this weekend to try as well. When I was in London I went to a Boots and got my face tested for their colour match foundation (which was spot on btw). Well it turns out based on your foundation you can get lipstick that is also matched to your skin tone as well. So I checked their website to see what lipstick colours were compatible with my foundation and then headed to the main store in town. Im pretty sure the girl behind the counter knew it was for me but there we go.

Since it is party season I thought id experiment and go for some red lipstick and co-ordinating nail varnish. I didnt think I would like it too much but you know what, I actually really do. Im not sure when I will ever need to wear red lipstick again but I do like the look if it. Its such a nice colour and really didnt budge all day. I wasnt doing anything particularly heavy duty with my lips but I didnt have to re-apply once. I also bought some purple varnish with a pinky lipstick too but didnt get a chance to try them over the weekend.  Maybe next time.

When it came to the dreaded task of hair removal it actually went pretty well this time around. Historically ive always had a problem with it, with my skin reacting in weird and nasty ways. But this time ive hardly had a reaction at all apart from one pretty serious one. I used Veet for men again, I only kept it on for the maximum guide time (not up to 10 mins as some people say) and then wiped it off with an old tshirt. I had no reaction and it did a pretty good job but not perfect, the only issue was on my hip it actually burnt me. As soon as it was applied I felt it burn so I washed it off but the damage was already done, and im now left with a rash on my hips. After using the Veet I then waited 24 hours and then went over problem areas with a razor, but rather than the usual multi blade job, on the back of Gilette Fusion blades is a single blade used for trimming. I used that extremely softly and I had no real reaction at all. It doesnt get every hair but it was good enough for this weekend.

Well now im back, I dont intend to stop. Ive really enjoyed this weekend even though I havent left the house. I think im past the negative thinking of recent times, and I cant wait for my next chance to dress up again.

Saturday, 15 November 2014

T-Central Guest Post

A while back now I received an email from Calie over at  T-Central, asking if I would be interested in writing a guest post for their new series of 'Thoughts and Reflections'. Initially I was hesitant, I wasnt sure that I was going to be able to type anything that I felt would be up to standard. I felt like if I was going to write for her then my post should have meaning (like Lynn's excellent, motivational piece), rather then the self indulgence I usually post on here. But after countless attempts at trying to write something meaningful without coming across as preachy, I stuck to what I know and settled for the self indulgence anyway! I decided that my journey was the only one I was truly qualified to speak about, so I created a post which covered a brief bit of my history, along with some ponderings ive been having lately about how to fit all this trans stuff into my crowded and established male identity.

I spent a considerable amount of my free time working on it (when I should have been job hunting) and went through loads of different ideas, versions and edits. I found it quite difficult trying to be honest about what ive been through without sounding too negative/depressing, but I think I found a nice balance. And I also didnt want to spend ages waffling on, so I even cut loads out to try and keep it interesting. I just hope I didnt cut too much out and lose some of the points I wanted to make.

So yeah, if you are interested in reading it, my contribution to 'Thoughts and Reflections' can be found here. I would love to hear what you think.

Monday, 10 November 2014

Feminine or Delicate?

Im currently in the middle of two weeks off from work, last week me and my other half went away to Edinburgh for a bit of a break. We flew up which meant I got on a plane for the first time in over 10 years, stayed in a hotel that was in the building that the writer of Sherlock Holmes lived, did the usual touristy thing, and eat out far more than was healthy (including one £70 meal in a very posh restaurant, which was lovely).

While we did have a good time, I did find that if history isnt your thing (which it isnt mine), once youve been to see the tourist hot spots there really isnt much else to do. And I imagine this would be the same for any city break. So thats something to bear in mind in the future.

Anyway, so ive been fighting the urge to buy new things for my trans side for a long time, fueled by the fact that I havent been indulging it since May. Not only that, but my other half doesnt like me spending money on girls clothes partly because im not really using them at the moment, but also when I am wearing them, im not wearing them often enough to justify the cost (to her).

But while we were there we went shopping around loads of little boutique shops and came across a place called Black Box boutique (which is sadly closing early next year), and I found a necklace that frankly I couldnt say no too. I didnt buy it straight away and left it for a while, but since we swung back that way I persuaded my gf to go back so I could buy it. She was obviously not happy but I went ahead and bought it anyway. My first piece of boutique jewellery!

Its not really a feminine piece, but thats one thing I like about it. Im not really a fan of 'extreme femininity', delicate pieces of jewellery, extreme makeup, vintage clothing, floral designs (in most cases), feminine detailing like unnecessary buttons as embelishments and so on (although I do have a love of sequins, it doesnt matter how bad they scream DRAG QUEEN!). I suppose in some way this is probably my male side influencing how I want to look, simple styles, simple patterns and colours, bolder jewellery and so on. And I think the necklace I bought definitely appeals to this. I think if I was really a girl, id definitely be a bit of a tomboy.

When I was in London last year with a friend Christmas shopping, we were going to loads of boutique places, and in one our friend said that she didnt really like the jewellery in there because it wasnt very feminine, and that it had "obviously been designed by a man' (or something along those lines). I dont think wearing or liking less delicate/vintage items is less feminine, I suppose its just less delicate. Feminine can be big, bold and strong too.

Since coming back from holiday, ive just spent more money on some new clothes from one of my favourite online stores. I really want to get back into it and I think I need some fresh new clothes to do it (any excuse eh?). I could have spent a small fortune there but deliberately took out some of the more expensive items (and most of the party dresses too!) and some of the things that I probably wouldnt wear as often to help keep the costs down. So all thats left is a few dresses, skirts and jumpers. I just need to find space to keep them all now! Im seriously thinking about having a clear out of some of my older things that im just not going to wear, I just need to get off my bum and do it.

This week is going to be the week that I finally get to be me again. Im building it up slowly towards the weekend, and then im really going to indulge my female side I think. My gf is away so ive got the house to myself. I dont know what to do though really, any suggestions anyone?