For one reason or another its been a long while since I have managed to bring myself to don the clothing I would prefer to wear, but that still hasnt stopped me from buying them, much to the annoyance of my girlfriend.
I have taken it upon myself to be completely ruthless with what I am buying though, if something doesnt fit quite right (its always my stupid shoulders) it goes back whether I love it or not. I am very conscious that there are clothes that I bought probably years ago now but still havent been worn apart from trying them on for the first time. I had a clear out a few weeks back but still couldnt bring myself to get rid of a few items because they are too pretty!
So I am still adding to that collection, but at the same time also trying to define a style that I feel fits who I am as an individual. My sense of style as a guy is pretty boring: combats, long sleeve t-shirt with a normal t-shirt over it, hoodie... all the time. But when I dress up I dont feel the need to go over the top girly with flowery prints and so on like other trans people do. Dont get me wrong, there are feminine stlyes and embelishments I do like but its nothing extravagent or over the top. They seem to be more along the masculine end of female fashion.
So this brings me onto the subject of dressing appropiately. Weve all come across the term 'dressing your age' by now, and I am at that point where I am not as young as I would like to be anymore, so its something I feel I need to take into more consideration. I also need to bear in mind that as a part time girl my figure is incredibly man-ish, and its all too easy to inadvertantly 'make a mockery of feminity', something which I am incredibly keen to avoid. When I do eventually get out again, sure im going to look like a guy in a frock, but I want to own that image and not look or feel like an amateurish female wannabe. And my confidence in this area is not exactly high right now, im worried that in an effort to look the way I want to, im not actually dressing appropiately for public consumption.
If I was actually female, im pretty sure I would just be defining my own style. But as a part time girl, by doing so I feel like I am just going to make myself stand out like a sore thumb, when I just want to blend in as much as possible.
In other news, ive got a new job! Ill be finally getting out of the hell-hole of my current employment in a few weeks time, although whether this new job is actually better or not, remains to be seen. Its not permanent, but it pays extremely well and its more normal working hours than im on right now.