My New Skin Regime

Well its been a long while since ive posted. My new job is keeping me extremely busy, and the routine that comes along with it is slowly falling into place. Unlike the shifts I was working before, im getting every weekend off and start at 9am every morning, and while my end time is not guaranteed since I am a contractor and am contracted on work completed, not hours worked, the substantial pay increase more than makes up for it. What the new job has also meant is that since I am getting up at the same time every morning, im getting into a more regular sleeping pattern, one which leaves me a little more time in the morning to spend looking after myself a little better.

The skin on my face has not been in the best condition for a long while. Admittedly ive been meaning to get into a new routine for a long time but ive been really lazy with it. I have combination dry and oily skin with clearly visible pores dotted all over it, blackheads on my nose, flaky patches (I know, gross) mainly on my forehead, wrinkles, and all sorts. Im getting on a bit now (32 years old!) and the signs of age are really getting obvious.

The temptation was to stock up on girly cleaning products and moisturisers and so on, but then I thought getting mens products might actually work better for me than those designed to work on the skin of women. So my new routine consists of:

• Every 2 days Rhino Skin Pore Reducing Facial Scrub in the morning
• Daily No7 Men Protect and Perfect Intense Advanced Serum morning and night
• Daily Loreal Men Expert Vita Lift Anti Wrinkle and Firming in the morning
• Daily Loreal Men Expert Vita Lift Eye roller in the morning

Ive only started using the serum today but the rest ive been doing for about 2 weeks now and the difference it has made is massive. My skin texture has changed and is consistently smoother and softer than it used to be, and the flakes have gone as well. While I havent tried, I can already tell that makeup is going to go on a lot better over the top of my skin. The only thing that is persistent is the blackheads and the pores they are hiding in, but I think its going to be a while before they completely go.

I do wish id started this a lot sooner. While I regularly get surprised comments when I tell people how old I am (including today by the girl threading my eyebrows) (assuming of course they arent just saying that to make me feel better about myself), my skin would be in a lot better condition than it is right now. Makeup helps to hide imperfections but the better the base the better it will work for you.

A Look Back at 2014

First off, I would like to wish everyone a Happy New Year. I hope 2014 went well for you all and I hope you have an amazing 2015.

So, I suppose I should wrap up how the year went. Im not going to bore you with the stats of the blog, instead im going to bore you with how it went for me. What went well, what didnt go so well, what I want to do differently next year... it sounds like im writing my monthly appraisal in work.

Another year has passed, they really do feel like they go quicker every year, and it feels like I am achieving less every year too. This year ive ticked quite a big thing from my trans-to-do list, but around that I dont feel like ive achieved much else.

This is the year I went through NHS counselling, which I had waited for so long for but didnt really feel like I got much out of it. I had waited for so long for the sessions I had already sorted through a number of the issues plaguing me by myself. I also went out in London, which was something that had been on my trans-to-do list for as long as ive been trans, and it was a bit of a let down in some ways. I was with some amazing people, but without the local knowledge the weekend didnt quite go as well as I would have liked. But, im glad I did. It was still an experience and it gave me a few things to reflect on.

But soon after the London trip I was pretty miserable, I just couldnt bring myself to express my female side and im still struggling a little now to really push myself through the massive effort and the dissapointment that can follow. Towards the end of the year I realised all this negativity was being counter productive and I needed to change my thinking and be positive about it, to accept my limitations and actually begin to enjoy expressing my feminine side again. I changed the name of the blog in order to fit with this new outlook, and have had reasonable success with this change in thinking. I still only dressed up once before the end of the year but I did enjoy it, and im not beating myself up mentally anywhere near as I have been in recent times.

But, im still not 100% happy, and im not sure ill ever be really. It still eats at me a little when I have quiet moments. I still have regrets. I still have needs that I feel are unfulfilled. And while im not completely happy with this, is it bad enough to warrant a move towards living full time and in turn losing my girlfriend? No, I dont think it is. So I just have to suck it up and get on with it, and be happy with what I have, and who I am.

So what now for the new year?

Im not going to do what I did last year and set a massive list of specific things that I knew in the back of my mind I was going to fail at. Instead, im going to set a few loose aims, some of which im already making progress with. This year I want to make new local friends, my confidence is not the best when it comes to meeting new people but this year I am putting myself out there because I need to socialise with people who are on my level. I want to get out more, whether it is meeting people at their homes for a girls night in, or going out somewhere LGBT friendly or more public, I dont care. And this year I want to work on my body image. I want to be able to look in the mirror and be completely happy with the person looking back at me, without compromise. Clothes, hair, makeup, overall style, the works. This is going to involve not only a different exercise and grooming regime, but also a change in thinking. I need to do it, I just feel like im wasting away and have nothing to show for my time. Its been a few years now since I started 'coming out' a little, and it feels like I have made so little ground.

Thats it I think. I hope you all have an amazing 2015! x

Finding Middle Ground

Today I have not long had my fourth counselling session at my GPs office, and im not really sure where its going to be honest. This is nothing to do with the counsellor, but more to do with me.

We are talking about things that have been at the forefront of my mind over the past few years now. Things that I have already thought about, considered, weighed up, and figured out. She has certainly helped to clarify a few things, but the end result is still the same. The thing is, the two sides of me are at an impasse. I want what I cant have, and have a great difficulty dealing with the result. And there isnt really anything she can say that will help me with this.

Transition is out of the question. Its not something that I feel is right for me at this moment. Dealing with the GD some days is pretty hard going, but the way I feel and the way I think generally makes me believe that its not something I need to put myself through. So, I need to find the ever elusive middle ground. I need to give my female side enough space to breathe, in order to keep my male side sane. Easy peasy......

I think if I was physically androgynous so it would be easier to flit from one gender to the other, id be really happy with that. Of course im not that lucky so I have to deal with the task of trimming back the man which is such a laborious task that its not something I want to endure just for half a day sat around the house, and I rarely get the opportunity to get out these days. I see this as a self defeating circle: need to dress up > too much effort required > become miserable > dont want to dress anymore > need to dress up... If I had a reason to dress up it would give me a reason to go to all the effort.

I could just hide a lot of it under clothes, but I just dont have enough of a wardrobe that does this effectively while still looking good. Plus, this always feels like an all or nothing thing for me, I dont think it will be enough. I will still be conscious of it all hiding there. So, an excuse to shop then!

I need some solid actions to take away from this. Im fully aware ive been all talk and no action for quite a while, my mood has held me back for quite a while but things arent going to improve unless I actually get off my arse. Im not going to put anything here for now, im going to have a long think about what I can do to enable me to find this middle ground. What I need to do to become comfortable between genders.

Counselling

I finally got a letter from my GP yesterday inviting me in for counselling, which is on Wednesday morning. Considering how long its taken to get this far, im surprised the appointment is so soon. Im meant to be working on Wednesday but im sure work wont have a problem with me attending. Now the appointment has come up though I feel a bit unsure about going.

I dont feel anywhere near as depressed as I did when I was referred. That doesnt mean im completely 100% feeling good, im not. But im the kind of person who doesnt go the doctor unless im really, really bad. The NHS is stretched enough as it is and it can do without the people who go there who can make do.

I feel like I should prepare in some way. I feel like im going in for an interview or a test rather than counselling, and I dont know why. Ive been to counselling before so I know what to expect. Maybe its their expectation, im on file now as having Gender Dysphoria but I havent felt severely Dysphoric in a while. I still have my moments but nothing to the degree I felt last year. I dont want to go there and for them to think im wasting their time.

Making Up for Lost Time

As you may have gathered from the pics dotted around the post, ive finally got my act together and dressed up for the first time in ages. I decided to get the camera out as well so there were numerous costume changes as I tried on some outfits I wanted to wear on my next night out to see how they would look. I think the wine dress on the top left is my favourite, the cowl neck and floaty skirt is definitely a more flattering shape.

I decided to get my new camera out and try the tripod id bought for it, as well as take photos remotely via my iPad and it worked a treat.

I think the problem ive been having with the dressing is there has been no purpose. When im off work, I dont dress up just to sit around the house. A lot of the time I dont even get out of my pyjamas (I know, such a slob!) so going through all the hassle of shaving and putting on tons of makeup is far more of an effort that I would usually put in on a day off. I think I need to get myself some ladies slob-wear, maybe that would help.

Motivation

Starting tomorrow im going to do some exercise, the deadline has been set. Nothing heavy, just stretching to start off for the first week or two, then im going to start doing Yoga or Pilates. My body is all stiff and I need to stretch it out a bit. Ive been saying im going to do this for months but I admit I have just been too lazy to do it. I have really bad knees which I went to physio about last year, I was given some exercises to do but never got around to doing them. Lately my knees have been getting worse so I need to do something about it.

This has always been my problem though, I lack the motivation to help myself. Whether its my knees, my teeth, going out dressed up, going out at all, or socialising with friends, I just lack motivation. I have things I want or need to do, but when I get the time off all I do is stay at home and waste my time. I dont do things unless I really have to. This is something that needs to change but its a learned behaviour now, its a difficult thing to push past.

Another New Year

I hope you all enjoyed your New Years festivities, and that your 2013 went well and your 2014 goes much better!

So this is it, 2013 is now over. It feels like every year is passing a lot faster than the last and I get the impression things time is only going to accelerate with each year that passes. Ive just been over the new years resolutions I made last year and also thinking about the things I wanted to change about my real life as well and while there have been a few definite high points these are very rare in what has been another slow and low year with no real sustained movement in my trans-life. Some of this can be blamed on work, with my horrible shift pattern getting in the way of having social time, but the rest can be blamed on me being apathetic or miserable at my state of affairs. My enthusiasm for life just seemed to tail off pretty quickly as the year progressed. However, towards the end of this year I seem to have started to find my mojo again so heres hoping 2014 will be different.

Out of the 12 trans-resolutions I made last new year, I only managed to do 3 and even then not fully:

• Get body waxed (well, I got my chest and arms waxed)
• Get a new wig
• Go on a long weekend away to spend totally as Aimee (I went to Sparkle, but I didnt get to spend the whole weekend 24 hours a day dressed up)

And to be honest, compared to some of the others these seemed like the easiest to do. So this year once again I want to make resolutions, and will be using what I didnt complete last year as a starting point:
 

• Start and maintain an exercise regime to keep fit without adding bulk. Start with things I can do at home after work like some simple stretching to increase flexibility, then go onto something like Yoga or Pilates, before maybe going onto something like jogging 3 times a week
• Look at my diet and try to eat a little healthier. Cut out chocolate and look for things to snack on that arent full of sugar or salt. Im fussy so this wont be easy
• Work on feminine mannerisms and movement somehow
• Start and maintain a proper face routine, need to improve facial skin quality
• Regularly shave my face (around every 2-3 days), do it after work if I find mornings too tight
• Look into permanent (well, semi permanent) beard removal
• Regularly keep my body hair in check
• Get eyebrows tidied professionally and maintain
• Get a new wig (yes I want another one, maybe a bit shorter this time)
• Expand my social circle and meet people face to face more regularly
• Go to a spa day
• Go to Boots and have a chat with them about their hair retention program, with the aim of growing my hair out
• Get a manicure and possibly a pedicure
• Go out at least bi-monthly, whether its to a T friendly bar or a daytrip somewhere, even if I have to go alone
• Go on a long weekend away to spend dressed up 24 hours a day
• Go clubbing as Aimee, and by clubbing I mean to a 'straight' night, not a T or Gay venue
• Post on this blog once every week

So, not a small list by any means. :)

As I made note of last year, the lifestyle changes are the ones im going to find more difficult to take on board, and I proved it too! Im hoping by being more specific in what I want to do, and the times to do it I can make them more realistic and in turn, more likely for me to complete. I had a lot of real life distractions last year that got in the way, im determined that this year is going to be a fresh start for me. I want to get to a point where by the end of this year im happy (well as happy as I can be) with my female presentation, but im not going to get there without putting in some work. And im hoping that some of these changes will also positively impact my real life too.

Some Changes

Getting Life Back on Track

Ive actually been feeling pretty good for the past few weeks now, im feeling more or less back to my old self. I still think about my female side a lot but nowhere near to the degree or intensity that I have up until recently. I never bothered to make a new appointment for a review with my GP, but will definitely do so tomorrow. I dont think this is a permanent state of mind, and the counselling sessions might still be useful if the GD rears its ugly head again. 

Ive still got a lot of leave left to use before the end of the year so I took the week off up until Saturday which is a good thing because I think ive also caught a cold. Great timing. Yesterday I spent just wasting a day playing Grand Theft Auto V and making music but today was when I decided to start getting my life back into order and spend this week doing some things ive been putting off for ages. So today I got started:

• Gutted my laptops hard drive to free up more memory, its been running on critical for ages
• Finally got around to installing Ableton 9
• Went through my old man clothes and binned loads of it
• Went through my girl clothes, binned some of it and tidied up the rest. Its been piling up in the bottom of the wardrobe for months, which irritated my gf
• Reorganised all my bedroom storage so its all tidy
• Finally ordered the lockable storage unit for the spare room to keep my obvious t-girl stuff in (wig, boobs, etc) which ive been meaning to buy since August 2012

Ive also got things I plan to do during the rest of the week too:

• Tidy up my sample library and filter through the junk I took off my laptop HD
• Tidy up the spare room/office/studio, bin all the junk, tidy the cables, and reorganise whats left
• Go through all my old music magazines and bin ones that arent useful anymore
• Get back into a grooming routine (shave regularly, pluck eyebrows, etc)
• Dress up for the first time since Sparkle
• Buy some new clothes for both man and girl me, my man wardrobe especially needs casual and work stuff since it hasnt been properly updated in a long time and I look like a scruff all the time
• Setup my website idea (buy software and hosting package, then try and figure out what to do)

Ive also planned to make a few changes to my digital life too. Its difficult to keep up with everything at the best of times but now im feeling a lot more upbeat I do plan to be more regular in a lot of ways. I plan to update this blog weekly whether I have any gender related issues to talk about or not, lets say I make a post every Monday night at a minimum and see how it goes. I imagine this isnt going to be easy since my life can be pretty mundane at the best of times, but we will see. I think its important (especially if I do have a relapse) to show the normality I have as well as the bad times, I know this blog can come across as just me moaning for post after post and I want to change that.

On the digital side of things I also realise it can take me a long time to reply to comments, emails and messages (sorry again Laura!). It can be difficult to keep on top of these since a lot of them can require quite lengthy replies and I often dont have the time to properly consider a response to all of them. I will try to be more prompt from now on and reply on a more reasonable timeframe.

I think ive realised that I need to get myself tidy and organised in order to keep myself in a happy and productive state of mind. Whether its the piles of magazines and clutter in my studio and on my computer, or the piles of clothes in the bedroom, or taking pride in my appearance as both male and female, it all adds up. I just hope I can maintain it.

Setting up a Website

So ive got an idea for a unique (I think) trans* website which I want to set up and plan to do so by the end of the week. I dont want to say too much at this point about what it is but at the same time I think I really need some help with it. I can buy a pre-made template/theme but the prices vary dramatically and have varying degrees of customisation, although Wordpress based sites look like the cheaper options but even they can go up to $150. I dont mind putting the money down but want to make sure itll do what I want it to, it actually works like it should, and that ill be able to set it up ok. I could do with someone to bounce some ideas off, and also some tech support too but its difficult when I only know me, I suppose the other difficulty will be spreading the word as well. If I can get it off the ground though I think itll be a very useful tool.

Slow Going

Well as you can see on my timeline since coming out to my partner followed by my night out to BNO last year, my T life has pretty much crawled to a halt and this is frustrating. Partially this is due to opportunity, but partially motivation too. I suppose I kind of hoped I would have done a lot more by now and actually got out there more, but I havent. I really need to make time to do this more. I have been talking with the people I went to BNO with and we are looking at doing something next month which is great, but its taken too long to get to this point. Twice a year is too far apart.

Ive been off work for a week again, and ive had plenty of opportunities to do some little things. I was going to fully shave, buy a new wig and paint my nails too, but just havent. Its not lazyness, I just seem to be locked in a vicious circle of trying to justify the effort when I seem to be quite unhappy with what I will achieve.

Once again I bought a ton of clothes and was unhappy to find that once again most of it just didnt suit me at all, some of it worse than others. At least I can return it all but its so frustrating. Im very aware im never going to look convincing, but im having difficulty finding that balance where I am happy and accept it is the best I am going to look.

On a plus note, I have started ticking things off my new years resolutions. Ive actually started doing exercise! On Monday me and my partner went to Sports Direct and forked out for some running gear. As chavvy as that shop is I bought a nice pair of running trainers, some running socks, and some tracksuit bottoms for only £45... What a bargain! Since then we have been jogging twice this week and intend to keep going every other day, and once my body has got used to it and once I have worked out a routine around my shifts I intend to do either yoga or pilates on the days in between the jogging. Ive also been looking at ways to improve my diet too although havent fully decided on anything yet.

Nothing Interesting

I do realise the majority of my posts are usually written when im not feeling to great about myself, so I made this post to try and balance things out because ive been feeling a lot better over the past few days. Im still thinking about/obsessing over this a lot but without the slight anxiety attached at least it makes it manageable. I havent been able to dress up for a few weeks now but ive got 10 days off coming up from about the middle of next week and I intend to take full advantage of it. I have a social event I have to go to over the weekend but the time around it is mine for the taking.

I think im going to look at trying to knock a few things off my new years resolutions, maybe get a new wig, do my nails for the first time in ages, try and meet up with someone, and maybe even look at starting to exercise too. As far as getting out dressed up again it looks like that is going to have to wait until April at the earliest now, its turning 6 months since BNO now and im itching to get out again! If I havent heard anything back from the people im meant to be going out with I may just arrange something by myself anyway.

Im also quite looking forward to the fact that there is a TG friendly makeover place opening up fairly local to me, hopefully in April. The lady who is setting it up is a fully qualified MAC makeup artist and I intend to book myself in for some lessons as soon as she is ready. Apparently ive heard she is amazing with beard cover too, I wonder how much luck she will have against mine! Theres also another lady reasonably close who is TG friendly and does image consultations too, im considering getting in touch with her to see what that is about and if there would be anything for me to gain from it. I think I might have to speak to my partner about that first though as it looks like April is turning into an expensive month for me!

How Shall I Shape My 2013

To all that actually take the time to read this blog, and especially to those that even take the time to comment on the rubbish I come out with, I hope that you had an amazing new year and that 2013 is really good to you.

Its taken me a little while to make my first post of the year, partially because by the time I get home from work I just dont really have the time or energy to sit down and think about something coherent to type as the shifts are long and mentally draining. And also because I really wanted to take stock of my circumstances and think about what direction I want to take my journey in 2013.

I came up with a number of new years resolutions aimed at my TG side, some that are designed to help better my female image and lifestyle, and some that are things I want to achieve this year. These include:

• Start and maintain an exercise regime to keep fit without adding bulk. I have been thinking jogging to tone and something like yoga to improve balance and flexibility.
• Look at my diet and try to eat a little healthier.
• Work on feminine mannerisms and movement.
• Start and maintain a proper face routine. Regularly shave (I only usually shave when I need to), exfoliate and moisturise.
• Get body waxed.
• Get eyebrows tidied professionally and maintain.
• Get a new wig.
• Expand my social circle and meet people face to face more regularly.
• Go to a spa day.
• Get a manicure and possibly a pedicure.
• Go on a long weekend away to spend totally as Aimee.
• Go clubbing as Aimee, and by clubbing I mean to a 'straight' dance night, not a T or Gay venue.

As far as the things on there that require a routine, part of my problem is that I find it extremely difficult to keep up anything like this. I have tried to keep a good facial routine before but it lasted a few weeks before I started losing motivation to do it. Work really does not help, as the shifts are really long the urge to just have that extra 10 mins in bed in the morning is too tempting when I am so tired.

As far as the rest of the list goes im quickly finding the desire to dress lessening, or at least being overshadowed by the amount of work I realise it will have to take to become presentable, which in turn does make me feel a little low. Im off work today and I planned to have an Aimee day, but to be honest I just really dont have the drive or patience to push through this at the moment. In fact I dont really have any motivation to do anything, I was going to buy some music from a few websites and maybe take advantage of a few sales online but I just dont have the patience.

I have a week off next week, ive just got to get tomorrow and Friday out the way and then I will be off for 7 days or so. I think I will probably try staggering my transformation over a few days over this time period. If I can get the preperations out the way so on the day I actually dress up all ive got to do is quickly shave my face and then makeup, it might make things a lot more feasible mentally.