The past week or two has been pretty tough, and today I have been noticing things and ways of thinking that I havent done since I was off work with my depression. Replaying recent social faux-pas and embarrasments in my head and getting wound up by them, cursing to myself, difficulty finding motivation to do anything, feeling pretty miserable, etc.
There are a number of factors at play here I think....
1 - Work is really irritating me. Strangely the work itself isnt the culprit this time, its the people I have to manage. Over the past year and a half as people have left and new people have joined, I just seem to have been left with a bunch of loud, immature drama queens, and its really getting to me. They arent all this bad, but about half of them are really beginning to stress me out for one reason or another. Managing kids (well, early twenties) is not fun. I feel like a teacher or even a babysitter sometimes and ive got more important things I could be doing.
2 - Its my grandads 80th birthday in April. He moved to Peterborough long before I can even remember, and in my 31 years alive ive only met him two or three times, the last time being probably about 15 years ago, if not more. In fact its been so long I cant even remember his name. My mum is planning on her, me, my brother and our partners to all go and visit as a surprise, and is being very insistent that I go. Im finding it really difficult to bring myself to attend. The social anxiety is back in force again and im ashamed to say im looking for any excuse not to go.
3 - Ive just been to the dentist today and they told me I have to have a wisdom tooth out, and the decay is so bad that it will have to be surgically removed. This will be the third tooth ive had to have pulled out (not including the two root canals ive had done as well), so this was marvelous news. And when I told my gf over the phone she laughed at me, I assume she was expecting me to be amused at the state of my teeth. Clearly, I wasnt. In fact, ive been pretty disheartened today. I had so many plans but instead spent it lying down on the couch doing as little as possible.
Ive documented a number of times on here about my dislike for what I was born with, and the continuing decay of it is not helping.
4 - Its nearly the end of the second month of the year and I still havent got my t-life in gear. March and April are looking like they will be busy months so I really need to do something! Ive got a weekend off this weekend and my gf is away, I think I need to do something special and treat myself in some way, or something....
Showing posts with label Social Anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Social Anxiety. Show all posts
Wednesday, 19 February 2014
Saturday, 20 July 2013
Post Sparkle Blues
Well this week I have gradually been feeling worse and worse about myself. Ive put off writing this for a few days because I want to try and avoid typing 'rage-posts' like I used to when feeling low, at the same time the problem with this is I have forgotten some of clarity of my thoughts and feelings over the past week.
For maybe a week or two before Sparkle, I started noticing on occasions I would exhibit some of the little behaviours I used to have when I had depression. Putting myself down while saying it out loud, occasional low mood for no apparent reason, difficulty sleeping, irritability, etc. These mostly dissapeared over Sparkle weekend, apart from the occasional talking to myself moment I was happy. Post sparkle though, they are back and I have noticed other symptoms too. Feeling really miserable, short temper, feeling like I want to cry for no apparent reason and more. Not only that, but these are coupled with obsessive thoughts over my T side, hating the male characteristics showing through after being groomed for sparkle (body hair regrowth, horrible skin, etc), and feeling off physically, which I can only describe as feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Sometimes, specifically in work I can be distracted from most of what I am feeling, or at least can put on a front. Other times I have to take extra breaks because I just feel so off and I cant concentrate on what I am supposed to be doing.
This is the final straw I think, im going to book a GP appointment this week. Either my depression is coming back or my GD is getting worse, or both. This time though work is not the culprit since I have been relatively happy there for a while, which means im going to have to tell my GP about Aimee. Im fed up of feeling like this. I can go ages feeling fine and then for no apparent reason my 'I want to be a woman' thoughts are back and im miserable. I need to do something about it.
I was meant to be going to a house warming party tonight but cancelled because im not exactly in a social-able mood, I ended up having a little argument with my girlfriend over it because this is turning into a regular thing now where my social anxiety has got in the way of things and ive deliberately made excuses not to go (not telling her about the anxiety though). This time however its a little different.
For maybe a week or two before Sparkle, I started noticing on occasions I would exhibit some of the little behaviours I used to have when I had depression. Putting myself down while saying it out loud, occasional low mood for no apparent reason, difficulty sleeping, irritability, etc. These mostly dissapeared over Sparkle weekend, apart from the occasional talking to myself moment I was happy. Post sparkle though, they are back and I have noticed other symptoms too. Feeling really miserable, short temper, feeling like I want to cry for no apparent reason and more. Not only that, but these are coupled with obsessive thoughts over my T side, hating the male characteristics showing through after being groomed for sparkle (body hair regrowth, horrible skin, etc), and feeling off physically, which I can only describe as feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Sometimes, specifically in work I can be distracted from most of what I am feeling, or at least can put on a front. Other times I have to take extra breaks because I just feel so off and I cant concentrate on what I am supposed to be doing.
This is the final straw I think, im going to book a GP appointment this week. Either my depression is coming back or my GD is getting worse, or both. This time though work is not the culprit since I have been relatively happy there for a while, which means im going to have to tell my GP about Aimee. Im fed up of feeling like this. I can go ages feeling fine and then for no apparent reason my 'I want to be a woman' thoughts are back and im miserable. I need to do something about it.
I was meant to be going to a house warming party tonight but cancelled because im not exactly in a social-able mood, I ended up having a little argument with my girlfriend over it because this is turning into a regular thing now where my social anxiety has got in the way of things and ive deliberately made excuses not to go (not telling her about the anxiety though). This time however its a little different.
Monday, 15 July 2013
My Weekend At Sparkle 2013
So this is going to be quite a lengthy post about my weekend at Sparkle, I think overall I had a good time but am having difficulty justifying going again. There were definitely pros and cons but im having difficulty deciding which one tips the scales.
The Weekends Events
I spent the whole weekend in the company of my friends ML and CP who live near me, and who I have met once or twice before. Ive actually been out with ML before when we went to BNO in Milton Keynes last year. We journeyed up to Manchester by train and met one of their friends Nancy at Piccadilly Station. Nancy knew Canal Street and was sharing a room with CP for the first night but had to go home Saturday lunch time. She walked with us to the hotel, we checked in, and then we made our way to our rooms. Myself and ML were on the third floor in separate rooms although just across the hall from each other, and CP and Nancy were on the first.
For the first night I thought I would dress a little more casual so I wore my new blue dress with spots on it, leggings and sandals. When I was ready, I met Maya and then we made our way down to CP and Nancys room to meet them. When we were all ready we then made our way towards the hotel lobby which was down a flight of stairs just around the corner from their room.
It was quite a feeling hearing the roar of the hotel lobby getting louder knowing I was dressed as a woman, it was broad daylight and that there were a lot of people down there. We were all lined up walking down the stairs, then carried on out of the building, and I was at the back of the line. I was a tiny bit nervous but for some reason I was feeling really confident and just went for it. We were making our way across the lobby and there was no fuss or anything, but my first time in public in daylight was never going to be so easy. As we got to the door there was a massive gang of teenage girls just hanging around outside the door who saw us, and we were greeted by laughing, giggling, squealing and more. There was no escape, we just had to push through them and keep walking! The thing is though is that it never really bothered me, I actually found the whole situation quite entertaining to be honest! Its just my luck that this would happen!
So we then made our way to the famous Canal Street which conveniently happened to be just around the corner from our hotel. Its basically just one massive long street which has tons of gay bars, clubs, restaurants and hotels and it was very busy with all sorts of people, gay men, lesbian women, straight people just passing through and t-girls in all shapes, sizes, and different degrees of gender expression. It was definitely a sight to behold! We managed to get a seat at a table outside a restaurant and had food out in the sun. It was really nice to be able to do something normal and enjoy being outdoors the way that I was. While chatting and eating I was quite happy just watching the world go by, and taking in the variety of people. Afterwards then we spent the evening checking out a few of the bars and clubs along Canal Street, before finally ending up in Napoleons where Nancy was meeting a friend of hers. The only problem with the bars and clubs on Canal Street is that they all seem to play the same music, which seems to be the campier the better, and always loud! A bit of choice would have been nice, im sure not all people in the LGBT community only like music like that, and having somewhere quieter to go would have been nice too.
On Saturday we had breakfast in drab so we could see Nancy off, and then went to get ready to go to the Sparkle in the Park event. I settled on my brown and blue stripey dress and decided that since it was such a nice day I would have my legs out, and this was a decision I did not regret. It felt amazing to feel the breeze flowing around me wearing a dress, its definitely something I could get used too! One mistake I made was to take a leather handbag, those things can heat up quickly in the sun and can make you sweat! After getting ready we made our way down to the park which was actually situated near the end of Canal Street, so we really didnt have far to go to get there. The event was made up of stalls along one end of the park, selling clothes and wigs, and promoting TG social and support groups. And then at the other end was the stage with all sorts of music, drag, and dancing acts on. I will be honest, I thought the majority of the entertainment was pretty poor. Im not a fan of cabaret, as often it is very amateurish and far too camp for my liking. Also, im not a fan of drag queens either, I think they help perpetuate the comedic image that we are often associated with. There was one act on though that was actually really good though, a lone female singer and acoustic guitarist, although I forgot their name unfortunately. It was the most 'normal' act that I saw while I was there and they were definitely talented. One irritation though were the amount of cameras there, a lot of people were taking sly photos as well without the subjects knowledge, myself included. No doubt my face is now plastered across a few corners of the internet although I suppose im not really too bothered by that, im more bothered about if I looked good or not! Plus, I want copies!
Something I was surprised to see there though was quite a lot Furries dotted about the place. Ive got nothing against them at all, ive worked with a few over the years and got to know one of them quite well too, and he was a really nice guy. They are harmless, I was just surprised to see them there. Will we see LGBT becoming LGBTF in the near future? ; )
Later on in the afternoon we then made our way back to the hotel via a restaurant on Canal Street and proceeded to get ready for the evening. After stressing over what to wear I decided on my new Numph grey and black dress and decided I wanted my bare legs out again I reapplied my makeup and then we made our way back to Canal Street for another night of drinking and dancing. I actually quite liked a club called View, it was definitely less camp than most places on Canal Street and had on some dance music I felt I could put up with, but I felt very old in there! For the first time that weekend I had a little go at trying to dance and think I did ok, it turns out that if I tone down how I used to dance when going to Hard House events many years ago the footwork is very similar, I just had to do less with my arms. After a while though we ended up in Napoleons again since its fairly quiet in the downstairs room, and we had a few drinks before heading back to the hotel. We almost had a quick drink in the hotel bar but it looked a little busy and I dont think ML or CP were too keen on the idea.
All over the weekend, the people there were really nice and friendly. Staff in every bar and restaurant always used female pronouns when addressing us, and didnt look at us any differently than they would their other patrons. It was a nice feeling to be accepted this way at face value. On the flip side of this however are the 'admirers'. I was told by CP on Saturday that on our first night in Napoleons I was getting a lot of stares from men who were there, and at one point she deliberately stood in the way of someone who was trying to make a beeline for me. Im not sure what to think of this really but I suppose it is to be expected that at some point I am going to have to deal with men. I just hope that they accept that no means no.
On Sunday we checked out an hour early so we could grab some breakfast on the way, but then we had some major travel issues getting back. We were meant to change twice, with 15 mins at each stop to find the next train, however there were some complications. After our first change, there was a problem with the line in the middle of nowhere and we were stranded for about 20-25 minutes, then when we got to the next stop the train was so late that they just cancelled it, by this point we had missed the connection we were meant to have made. We then had to wait for another train to take us to where we were meant to change to get our final train to our destination. When we got there, we were in an unfamiliar station and when we finally found a board with the train times we found we had 5 minutes to catch the next train going our way! Just to complicate things, the platform number was not signposted anywhere apart from round a corner above a lift with a queue in front of it, which was apparently the only way to get to the platform! By the time we got down to the platform the doors were just closing but someone on the train kindly opened them for us, phew! What a nightmare!
Ponderous Thoughts
So over the course of the weekend I had a lot of time to ponder about my take on the trans scene, the people in it, and my place in it too as a straight part timer. On the one hand, its difficult for me to see myself as a regular on the scene because of the inextricable link to the gay scene. Just because im dressed as a woman doesnt suddenly make me want to dance round my handbag to high camp disco classics like 'its raining men'! But this seems to be what some (most?) t-girls want to do for entertainment.
I suppose in some ways though I think there is still some inner turmoil around what I am trying to get out of this too. Some of the t-girls I saw over the course of the weekend were stunning, and I dont just mean in looks, but in movement and speech too. Then there were the natal females too who were out on their girls nights out drinking and dancing, and next to them was me, who certainly looked the part but wasnt in the same frame of mind as them. I couldnt help but compare myself to the girls around me, I want to be like them in body and mind but it is a futile struggle to try and achieve that, I just cant seem to make myself 'femme' enough to get anywhere near that level, and I dont think this is just a physical thing, but a mental thing too. The thing is, a lot of the other t-girls seemed to be having no problems with this. They looked the part, acted the part, and were really getting into being their feminine selves but I just dont think I am feminine enough. My male mind seems to only want to go so far and it rebels at the thought of acting and thinking femininely. I suspect this might have been because of the company I was with, some kind of silly male pride in front of people I know. If I was alone I may have found it a lot easier!
So what is the point of dressing up if in the back of my mind I dont want to be feminine? The thing is, im not sure this is entirely the case. Some of these people have years and years of experience, maybe I just need to keep doing it and practice? After all, ive got 31 years of being a man to try and and unravel a little. Practicing isnt going to change my taste in music (thankfully) but I might be able to at least get myself in a more feminine state of mind, and loosen up a little. Something to try on my next outing perhaps? It just feels a little fake to camp up my act a bit, although im sure this would get easier with time.
One positive realisation I had afterwards was how normal it felt to be out like this. Being out in public dressed up didnt bother me at all. Even though the majority of the time it was in the safe haven of the gay village, we still had to walk down a few busy roads to get there and I wasnt fazed at all!
Social Anxiety
I knew this weekend was going to test my social anxiety, and I wasnt wrong. Being dressed up in the middle of the day on a busy Manchester high street, no problem. Talking to people? A bigger challenge apparently! Over the weekend I met Nancy who was someone new, and also bumped into AP who I have chatted to on Angels and Flickr in the past, and also Davina who I chat to occasionally on tvChix.
In all 3 cases I found conversing really difficult. If we were chatting one on one I dont think I would have had much of a problem but being in a group made me hyper aware of what I was saying because of the audience. Because my brain was over-analysing everything I found myself mixing words up or saying the wrong thing, which then just made me feel stupid even if I knew it was just a minor thing and this caused me to just over-analyse even more. More often than not I just avoided conversation all together. This was easier with Nancy since she knew ML and CP already so I could leave the conversation to them. However, with AP it would have been rude not to try and make conversation with her but with the audience I found it quite difficult to engage brain. Davina I was meant to be meeting over the weekend anyway but I randomly bumped into her twice on Saturday. She was someone that only I knew out of our group, which was even worse because all I could think of was ML and CP standing there listening to what I was saying. I just felt on the spot and was over conscious of every single word that fell out of my mouth. After a quick chat I made excuses and we went on our way, I probably came across as a little rude (and if you ever read this im sorry!) but I was really struggling!
I do want to take this opportunity to apologise to Becca, who takes the time to comment on here and give me advice when im struggling, and who was at Sparkle as well and would have liked to meet up. I could have made more of an effort to meet with you and I really would have liked to as well, but I just wasnt comfortable with the social circumstances I was in over the weekend. I just felt awkward and I didnt want to leave you with any kind of negative impression of me like I probably had with others I had met over the course of the weekend.
Ah, being mental is fun!
Final Thoughts
Well, Sparkle is an amazing event to go to if you ever want to finally leave the safety of your own home dressed as your female self. Its safe, accommodating and friendly. You dont need to worry if you look good or bad, since there are many people there with varying degrees of style and convincing-ness, and you will be accepted as the person you are presenting as. As long as your are comfortable that is all that matters.
Since I dont really feel a part of 'the scene' and dont have many people I would use it as an excuse to meet up with, im not sure I would make the effort to go again. But it has definitely filled me with the confidence to go elsewhere. The only questions now is, where?
The Weekends Events
I spent the whole weekend in the company of my friends ML and CP who live near me, and who I have met once or twice before. Ive actually been out with ML before when we went to BNO in Milton Keynes last year. We journeyed up to Manchester by train and met one of their friends Nancy at Piccadilly Station. Nancy knew Canal Street and was sharing a room with CP for the first night but had to go home Saturday lunch time. She walked with us to the hotel, we checked in, and then we made our way to our rooms. Myself and ML were on the third floor in separate rooms although just across the hall from each other, and CP and Nancy were on the first.
For the first night I thought I would dress a little more casual so I wore my new blue dress with spots on it, leggings and sandals. When I was ready, I met Maya and then we made our way down to CP and Nancys room to meet them. When we were all ready we then made our way towards the hotel lobby which was down a flight of stairs just around the corner from their room.It was quite a feeling hearing the roar of the hotel lobby getting louder knowing I was dressed as a woman, it was broad daylight and that there were a lot of people down there. We were all lined up walking down the stairs, then carried on out of the building, and I was at the back of the line. I was a tiny bit nervous but for some reason I was feeling really confident and just went for it. We were making our way across the lobby and there was no fuss or anything, but my first time in public in daylight was never going to be so easy. As we got to the door there was a massive gang of teenage girls just hanging around outside the door who saw us, and we were greeted by laughing, giggling, squealing and more. There was no escape, we just had to push through them and keep walking! The thing is though is that it never really bothered me, I actually found the whole situation quite entertaining to be honest! Its just my luck that this would happen!
So we then made our way to the famous Canal Street which conveniently happened to be just around the corner from our hotel. Its basically just one massive long street which has tons of gay bars, clubs, restaurants and hotels and it was very busy with all sorts of people, gay men, lesbian women, straight people just passing through and t-girls in all shapes, sizes, and different degrees of gender expression. It was definitely a sight to behold! We managed to get a seat at a table outside a restaurant and had food out in the sun. It was really nice to be able to do something normal and enjoy being outdoors the way that I was. While chatting and eating I was quite happy just watching the world go by, and taking in the variety of people. Afterwards then we spent the evening checking out a few of the bars and clubs along Canal Street, before finally ending up in Napoleons where Nancy was meeting a friend of hers. The only problem with the bars and clubs on Canal Street is that they all seem to play the same music, which seems to be the campier the better, and always loud! A bit of choice would have been nice, im sure not all people in the LGBT community only like music like that, and having somewhere quieter to go would have been nice too.
Something I was surprised to see there though was quite a lot Furries dotted about the place. Ive got nothing against them at all, ive worked with a few over the years and got to know one of them quite well too, and he was a really nice guy. They are harmless, I was just surprised to see them there. Will we see LGBT becoming LGBTF in the near future? ; )
Later on in the afternoon we then made our way back to the hotel via a restaurant on Canal Street and proceeded to get ready for the evening. After stressing over what to wear I decided on my new Numph grey and black dress and decided I wanted my bare legs out again I reapplied my makeup and then we made our way back to Canal Street for another night of drinking and dancing. I actually quite liked a club called View, it was definitely less camp than most places on Canal Street and had on some dance music I felt I could put up with, but I felt very old in there! For the first time that weekend I had a little go at trying to dance and think I did ok, it turns out that if I tone down how I used to dance when going to Hard House events many years ago the footwork is very similar, I just had to do less with my arms. After a while though we ended up in Napoleons again since its fairly quiet in the downstairs room, and we had a few drinks before heading back to the hotel. We almost had a quick drink in the hotel bar but it looked a little busy and I dont think ML or CP were too keen on the idea.All over the weekend, the people there were really nice and friendly. Staff in every bar and restaurant always used female pronouns when addressing us, and didnt look at us any differently than they would their other patrons. It was a nice feeling to be accepted this way at face value. On the flip side of this however are the 'admirers'. I was told by CP on Saturday that on our first night in Napoleons I was getting a lot of stares from men who were there, and at one point she deliberately stood in the way of someone who was trying to make a beeline for me. Im not sure what to think of this really but I suppose it is to be expected that at some point I am going to have to deal with men. I just hope that they accept that no means no.
On Sunday we checked out an hour early so we could grab some breakfast on the way, but then we had some major travel issues getting back. We were meant to change twice, with 15 mins at each stop to find the next train, however there were some complications. After our first change, there was a problem with the line in the middle of nowhere and we were stranded for about 20-25 minutes, then when we got to the next stop the train was so late that they just cancelled it, by this point we had missed the connection we were meant to have made. We then had to wait for another train to take us to where we were meant to change to get our final train to our destination. When we got there, we were in an unfamiliar station and when we finally found a board with the train times we found we had 5 minutes to catch the next train going our way! Just to complicate things, the platform number was not signposted anywhere apart from round a corner above a lift with a queue in front of it, which was apparently the only way to get to the platform! By the time we got down to the platform the doors were just closing but someone on the train kindly opened them for us, phew! What a nightmare!
Ponderous Thoughts
So over the course of the weekend I had a lot of time to ponder about my take on the trans scene, the people in it, and my place in it too as a straight part timer. On the one hand, its difficult for me to see myself as a regular on the scene because of the inextricable link to the gay scene. Just because im dressed as a woman doesnt suddenly make me want to dance round my handbag to high camp disco classics like 'its raining men'! But this seems to be what some (most?) t-girls want to do for entertainment.
I suppose in some ways though I think there is still some inner turmoil around what I am trying to get out of this too. Some of the t-girls I saw over the course of the weekend were stunning, and I dont just mean in looks, but in movement and speech too. Then there were the natal females too who were out on their girls nights out drinking and dancing, and next to them was me, who certainly looked the part but wasnt in the same frame of mind as them. I couldnt help but compare myself to the girls around me, I want to be like them in body and mind but it is a futile struggle to try and achieve that, I just cant seem to make myself 'femme' enough to get anywhere near that level, and I dont think this is just a physical thing, but a mental thing too. The thing is, a lot of the other t-girls seemed to be having no problems with this. They looked the part, acted the part, and were really getting into being their feminine selves but I just dont think I am feminine enough. My male mind seems to only want to go so far and it rebels at the thought of acting and thinking femininely. I suspect this might have been because of the company I was with, some kind of silly male pride in front of people I know. If I was alone I may have found it a lot easier!
So what is the point of dressing up if in the back of my mind I dont want to be feminine? The thing is, im not sure this is entirely the case. Some of these people have years and years of experience, maybe I just need to keep doing it and practice? After all, ive got 31 years of being a man to try and and unravel a little. Practicing isnt going to change my taste in music (thankfully) but I might be able to at least get myself in a more feminine state of mind, and loosen up a little. Something to try on my next outing perhaps? It just feels a little fake to camp up my act a bit, although im sure this would get easier with time.
One positive realisation I had afterwards was how normal it felt to be out like this. Being out in public dressed up didnt bother me at all. Even though the majority of the time it was in the safe haven of the gay village, we still had to walk down a few busy roads to get there and I wasnt fazed at all!
Social Anxiety
I knew this weekend was going to test my social anxiety, and I wasnt wrong. Being dressed up in the middle of the day on a busy Manchester high street, no problem. Talking to people? A bigger challenge apparently! Over the weekend I met Nancy who was someone new, and also bumped into AP who I have chatted to on Angels and Flickr in the past, and also Davina who I chat to occasionally on tvChix.
In all 3 cases I found conversing really difficult. If we were chatting one on one I dont think I would have had much of a problem but being in a group made me hyper aware of what I was saying because of the audience. Because my brain was over-analysing everything I found myself mixing words up or saying the wrong thing, which then just made me feel stupid even if I knew it was just a minor thing and this caused me to just over-analyse even more. More often than not I just avoided conversation all together. This was easier with Nancy since she knew ML and CP already so I could leave the conversation to them. However, with AP it would have been rude not to try and make conversation with her but with the audience I found it quite difficult to engage brain. Davina I was meant to be meeting over the weekend anyway but I randomly bumped into her twice on Saturday. She was someone that only I knew out of our group, which was even worse because all I could think of was ML and CP standing there listening to what I was saying. I just felt on the spot and was over conscious of every single word that fell out of my mouth. After a quick chat I made excuses and we went on our way, I probably came across as a little rude (and if you ever read this im sorry!) but I was really struggling!
I do want to take this opportunity to apologise to Becca, who takes the time to comment on here and give me advice when im struggling, and who was at Sparkle as well and would have liked to meet up. I could have made more of an effort to meet with you and I really would have liked to as well, but I just wasnt comfortable with the social circumstances I was in over the weekend. I just felt awkward and I didnt want to leave you with any kind of negative impression of me like I probably had with others I had met over the course of the weekend.
Ah, being mental is fun!
Final Thoughts
Well, Sparkle is an amazing event to go to if you ever want to finally leave the safety of your own home dressed as your female self. Its safe, accommodating and friendly. You dont need to worry if you look good or bad, since there are many people there with varying degrees of style and convincing-ness, and you will be accepted as the person you are presenting as. As long as your are comfortable that is all that matters.
Since I dont really feel a part of 'the scene' and dont have many people I would use it as an excuse to meet up with, im not sure I would make the effort to go again. But it has definitely filled me with the confidence to go elsewhere. The only questions now is, where?
Monday, 22 April 2013
Finding Time To Socialise Twice
I realised over the weekend that I seem to be neglecting my real life
quite badly. Work tends to take a lot out of me as it is, usually a
workday is a total write off, but any days off I have I try and dedicate
to making time for my T side. Lately though this hasnt been happening
at all, once again I set aside today to try and dress up and once again
something important came up at short notice. Its getting frustrating
now.
The only time I have seen some of my friends is at events I have had to go to (e.g. weddings), but no effort has been made to see any of them at any other time, apart from once this year. There are other close friends (in fact, probably my closest) who I havent seen at all since January. In some ways I feel quite bad for not taking time out to catch up with them, but I just cant prioritise it over the other stuff in my life at the moment. However, the fact that I feel like my T life has stalled and also my real life has stalled just doubles the annoyance.
I cant help but feel that my social anxiety is in play here. I deliberately try and get out of real life social events, so maybe subconsciously im just not making an effort with my friends and coming up with any old excuse (time) not to get in touch in order to avoid social contact entirely.
My limited time outside of work hours is a real barrier, however could I make time to see people if I really wanted to? I dont know. Im quite comfortable with my hermit lifestyle at the moment, although im still keen to get out there as Aimee far more. Ive wasted so much of my life denying her freedom that I need to make up for lost time. I do know that thinking about going out as Aimee has far more increased anxiety attached due to having to meet people I barely know and who will unlikely have many common interests at all but the will is there to push past it I think.
The only time I have seen some of my friends is at events I have had to go to (e.g. weddings), but no effort has been made to see any of them at any other time, apart from once this year. There are other close friends (in fact, probably my closest) who I havent seen at all since January. In some ways I feel quite bad for not taking time out to catch up with them, but I just cant prioritise it over the other stuff in my life at the moment. However, the fact that I feel like my T life has stalled and also my real life has stalled just doubles the annoyance.
I cant help but feel that my social anxiety is in play here. I deliberately try and get out of real life social events, so maybe subconsciously im just not making an effort with my friends and coming up with any old excuse (time) not to get in touch in order to avoid social contact entirely.
My limited time outside of work hours is a real barrier, however could I make time to see people if I really wanted to? I dont know. Im quite comfortable with my hermit lifestyle at the moment, although im still keen to get out there as Aimee far more. Ive wasted so much of my life denying her freedom that I need to make up for lost time. I do know that thinking about going out as Aimee has far more increased anxiety attached due to having to meet people I barely know and who will unlikely have many common interests at all but the will is there to push past it I think.
Saturday, 23 February 2013
Social Anxiety
I've been up to a few things this week, I visited a T-Girl friend who I haven't seen in a long time, and I've had to visit my partners family too this weekend, involving going to a social function with extended family and more. The one thing that has shined through for both is the social anxiety I felt beforehand, which was amplified by the fact that I have great difficulty getting to know and connecting with people. My interests are not really 'mainstream' and I find it difficult to find things I have in common with people.
It was nice to see my friend again, although I did have a moment of anxiety while I was on the train. And again, I found it extremely difficult to finds things to talk about and this was nothing to do with her, it was all me. I hate the thought of putting my foot in it conversational-wise, or making a social fool of myself, which I have done too many times.
The idea of detaching myself from everyone came into my head again this weekend. Delete my Facebook account, turn off my phone and snap my SIM card, maybe even dump my partner, move and start again. God I hate this so much. Am I just being selfish?
I'm meant to be going to a stag do in a few weeks. I haven't replied to the final invite message because truthfully I hate the idea of it and can't push myself to go. I've never been on one, I'm not a big drinker, I don't know what to expect, there will be people I haven't seen in many years there, and people I don't even know. At this moment it is just something I can't put myself through but I will look a right twat if I don't go. I really don't know what to do.
Another thing that has been getting to me over the past few days is frustration, especially at the social event. Seeing girls doing their own thing fills me with so much jealousy ive had to stop myself shouting out in frustration several times now. I want what they have so bad sometimes, it's more then simple wishing, I can feel what I can only describe as a physical longing to be in their place. I think the fact that Aimee seems to have taken a back seat so far this year isn't helping. I'm annoyed that im near the end of February and I am still yet to start on my New Years resolutions, or take any more steps to take Aimee out of the closet.
It was nice to see my friend again, although I did have a moment of anxiety while I was on the train. And again, I found it extremely difficult to finds things to talk about and this was nothing to do with her, it was all me. I hate the thought of putting my foot in it conversational-wise, or making a social fool of myself, which I have done too many times.
One on one situations are not too bad, with the right person I can usually kind of push myself through them. Group situations are much, much worse. This social event for example. I'm with a lot of people I don't know and have no shared interests with, and I'm already putting myself under pressure because I'm fully aware of this. So after the hi's and awkward looking around while trying to think of something to say, They then ask "so how's work" I have to bite my tongue with what that place has put me through, and that conversation dies quickly. I ended up just sat at a table people watching and drinking to myself for hours until it was time to go. I hate it.
The idea of detaching myself from everyone came into my head again this weekend. Delete my Facebook account, turn off my phone and snap my SIM card, maybe even dump my partner, move and start again. God I hate this so much. Am I just being selfish?
I'm meant to be going to a stag do in a few weeks. I haven't replied to the final invite message because truthfully I hate the idea of it and can't push myself to go. I've never been on one, I'm not a big drinker, I don't know what to expect, there will be people I haven't seen in many years there, and people I don't even know. At this moment it is just something I can't put myself through but I will look a right twat if I don't go. I really don't know what to do.
Another thing that has been getting to me over the past few days is frustration, especially at the social event. Seeing girls doing their own thing fills me with so much jealousy ive had to stop myself shouting out in frustration several times now. I want what they have so bad sometimes, it's more then simple wishing, I can feel what I can only describe as a physical longing to be in their place. I think the fact that Aimee seems to have taken a back seat so far this year isn't helping. I'm annoyed that im near the end of February and I am still yet to start on my New Years resolutions, or take any more steps to take Aimee out of the closet.
Monday, 14 January 2013
Antisocial Life
Im finding myself becoming a more socially-reclusive person recently, and to be honest im quite happy with being this way too. Friends from my male side I am just not bothering with, friends from my female side im making no effort with, and my partner I am losing patience with. This is nothing to do with them, things theyve done or anything like that, its all me. My state of mind has slowly been declining to a point where I just feel frustrated and sad for probably about 50% of the time and without a real reason.
I really cant be bothered to make any effort anymore with anything. Socialising, going out, online shopping, gaming, or even making an effort with my appearance. My appearance as a male is scruffy at best, I havent shaved in weeks and my hair is long overdue a cut. The effort needed to transform myself at this point would be massive and faced with this means I actually havent dressed in weeks even though ive had opportunities to. I cant even use the fact im living a double life as an excuse for not seeing my male side friends because I havent dressed up in so long.
My partner I feel sorry for, she puts up with so much and I know she hopes there is light at the end of the tunnel and that I will get better, but I cant see it. I just cant be bothered with it all anymore. I just feel down all the time and uncomfortable with myself, to the point where im considering making a doctors appointment about it. Im not blaming my depression on gender concerns this time, but I did consider speaking to the doctor about it as well because I do believe it is a factor. My only worry is that my GP could be less than sympathetic if I did mention it to them. After seeing some of the horror stories coming out of the #TransDocFail Twitter campaign over the past few days maybe its more hassle than its worth. Would the religion of my GP be an issue? Would it be worth speaking to an Atheist one over a Christian or Muslim one? Could I even ask for this when making an appointment?
I dont know. Is this par for the course? Having to deal with feeling like this all the time because of my 'hobby'? I refuse to believe it. Ive tried all I can to accept it and to the best of my knowledge I do, but I still just continue to feel low all the time.
I really cant be bothered to make any effort anymore with anything. Socialising, going out, online shopping, gaming, or even making an effort with my appearance. My appearance as a male is scruffy at best, I havent shaved in weeks and my hair is long overdue a cut. The effort needed to transform myself at this point would be massive and faced with this means I actually havent dressed in weeks even though ive had opportunities to. I cant even use the fact im living a double life as an excuse for not seeing my male side friends because I havent dressed up in so long.
My partner I feel sorry for, she puts up with so much and I know she hopes there is light at the end of the tunnel and that I will get better, but I cant see it. I just cant be bothered with it all anymore. I just feel down all the time and uncomfortable with myself, to the point where im considering making a doctors appointment about it. Im not blaming my depression on gender concerns this time, but I did consider speaking to the doctor about it as well because I do believe it is a factor. My only worry is that my GP could be less than sympathetic if I did mention it to them. After seeing some of the horror stories coming out of the #TransDocFail Twitter campaign over the past few days maybe its more hassle than its worth. Would the religion of my GP be an issue? Would it be worth speaking to an Atheist one over a Christian or Muslim one? Could I even ask for this when making an appointment?
I dont know. Is this par for the course? Having to deal with feeling like this all the time because of my 'hobby'? I refuse to believe it. Ive tried all I can to accept it and to the best of my knowledge I do, but I still just continue to feel low all the time.
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