Today I have not long had my fourth counselling session at my GPs office, and im not really sure where its going to be honest. This is nothing to do with the counsellor, but more to do with me.
We are talking about things that have been at the forefront of my mind over the past few years now. Things that I have already thought about, considered, weighed up, and figured out. She has certainly helped to clarify a few things, but the end result is still the same. The thing is, the two sides of me are at an impasse. I want what I cant have, and have a great difficulty dealing with the result. And there isnt really anything she can say that will help me with this.
Transition is out of the question. Its not something that I feel is right for me at this moment. Dealing with the GD some days is pretty hard going, but the way I feel and the way I think generally makes me believe that its not something I need to put myself through. So, I need to find the ever elusive middle ground. I need to give my female side enough space to breathe, in order to keep my male side sane. Easy peasy......
I think if I was physically androgynous so it would be easier to flit from one gender to the other, id be really happy with that. Of course im not that lucky so I have to deal with the task of trimming back the man which is such a laborious task that its not something I want to endure just for half a day sat around the house, and I rarely get the opportunity to get out these days. I see this as a self defeating circle: need to dress up > too much effort required > become miserable > dont want to dress anymore > need to dress up... If I had a reason to dress up it would give me a reason to go to all the effort.
I could just hide a lot of it under clothes, but I just dont have enough of a wardrobe that does this effectively while still looking good. Plus, this always feels like an all or nothing thing for me, I dont think it will be enough. I will still be conscious of it all hiding there. So, an excuse to shop then!
I need some solid actions to take away from this. Im fully aware ive been all talk and no action for quite a while, my mood has held me back for quite a while but things arent going to improve unless I actually get off my arse. Im not going to put anything here for now, im going to have a long think about what I can do to enable me to find this middle ground. What I need to do to become comfortable between genders.
Showing posts with label GP. Show all posts
Showing posts with label GP. Show all posts
Wednesday, 9 April 2014
Thursday, 13 March 2014
All In The Air
I had my second counselling appointment today which got off to a great start. I was sat in the waiting room and just when it hit the appointment time the fire alarm went off, so they had to evacuate the building. As before I wont be going into detail about the session, but we seemed to mainly talk about how I feel about being trans, how I feel during my high and low moments, and my relationship with my gf. Afterwards I realised there were other points I could have made but didnt go into detail enough, so I do need to make a note of a few things to remember to speak about next time.
The problem I have is it is 2 weeks between sessions, and in this time I have to work which really does dominate my thoughts a lot due to the nature of the job, and the long hours. So when it comes to recalling thoughts and feelings for the past few weeks, all I can remember is work. I need to get a notepad I think and make some noted between sessions, to make it easier to recall.
On the Subject of Work...
I am so angry at the moment with work. Our shift patterns change every 6 months and every time it just feels like they have got worse and worse. They are due to change at the end of this month and they have finally reached a point where I dont think I can continue with my employment there anymore. I dont want to leave because the money is good and im not sure ill get near this pay bracket for quite a while, but I cant continue like this.
Basically they are moving me from 4x10 hour shifts a week to 5x8 hour shifts, and then putting us on a pattern which repeats every 4 weeks. Out of the 8 days off we have in this 4 week period, 4 of them are within 5 days of each other, the other 4 are split individually within the remaining 23 days of the month. We basically get no decent break for more than 3 weeks, and it is an absolute joke. Not only that, but 3 out of the 4 weeks we are on mid-late shifts, starting anytime from around 11am and ending at 9.30pm at the latest (for example:1100-1930 or 1300-2130). So, the days are wasted when we are scheduled in. There is no decent amount of time in the day or evening to have some time to myself. Because it is so long between grouped days off, this is just ridiculous.
Ive raised this with my line manager and he said there is nothing he can do (which I expected), so I will be raising this as a grievance with HR along with the other people stuck on my pattern. Theres so much going on at work at the moment and this just feels like another boot in the face while im down.
I really need to look for something new, im fed up of doing jobs like this. I need a new direction but have no idea where to start. Im not exactly young anymore (31, ouch) but need to get retrained in something. I was looking at IT jobs years back but im not sure they are as safe for a long term career as they used to be. I need to get another job in the mean time but im not sure I can face another call centre role.
The problem I have is it is 2 weeks between sessions, and in this time I have to work which really does dominate my thoughts a lot due to the nature of the job, and the long hours. So when it comes to recalling thoughts and feelings for the past few weeks, all I can remember is work. I need to get a notepad I think and make some noted between sessions, to make it easier to recall.
On the Subject of Work...
I am so angry at the moment with work. Our shift patterns change every 6 months and every time it just feels like they have got worse and worse. They are due to change at the end of this month and they have finally reached a point where I dont think I can continue with my employment there anymore. I dont want to leave because the money is good and im not sure ill get near this pay bracket for quite a while, but I cant continue like this.
Basically they are moving me from 4x10 hour shifts a week to 5x8 hour shifts, and then putting us on a pattern which repeats every 4 weeks. Out of the 8 days off we have in this 4 week period, 4 of them are within 5 days of each other, the other 4 are split individually within the remaining 23 days of the month. We basically get no decent break for more than 3 weeks, and it is an absolute joke. Not only that, but 3 out of the 4 weeks we are on mid-late shifts, starting anytime from around 11am and ending at 9.30pm at the latest (for example:1100-1930 or 1300-2130). So, the days are wasted when we are scheduled in. There is no decent amount of time in the day or evening to have some time to myself. Because it is so long between grouped days off, this is just ridiculous.
Ive raised this with my line manager and he said there is nothing he can do (which I expected), so I will be raising this as a grievance with HR along with the other people stuck on my pattern. Theres so much going on at work at the moment and this just feels like another boot in the face while im down.
I really need to look for something new, im fed up of doing jobs like this. I need a new direction but have no idea where to start. Im not exactly young anymore (31, ouch) but need to get retrained in something. I was looking at IT jobs years back but im not sure they are as safe for a long term career as they used to be. I need to get another job in the mean time but im not sure I can face another call centre role.
Saturday, 1 March 2014
First Counselling Session
So I went to my first NHS counselling session on Wednesday. Im not going to go into a massive amount of detail on this blog about what we discuss in these sessions but I do want to give an overview of points of interest.
When we first met and before id even had a chance to take my coat off I was asked what I preferred to be called. Ill be honest I wasnt really expecting that question, but chose my male name since that was how I was presented. It feels weird to use a female name if I dont present as female.
This appears to be a whole different kind of counselling than what I went through before. My last lot of counselling was more or less about the here and now, and tools to help move forward. Plus, it also seemed to be geared totally around my gender problems. This time around the counseller wants to use a 'holistic approach', and wants to look at the whole package. My mood, motivation, diet, exercise, and so on. She also seems to be taking a broader view on my history as well. Previously it was again centered around my gender, where this time we have already talked about my childhood and family life when I was younger.
When we finished I was meant to go straight to work but I ended up going home (on the counsellors instruction) for 20-30 mins to chill out and let my mind settle. I certainly wasnt in as happy a place as I was when I went in and this was only the first session.
Im not the kind of person that opens up and shares my thoughts and feelings under normal circumstances anyway. I never really speak about them with an actual person, usually I just bottle things up and/or write about them on here. Because of this I can see future conversations being particularly uncomfortable.
The next session is in two weeks and in some ways im looking forward to it, in other ways im not.
Photobombed
It appears during my last set of photos that my kitten Molly decided to photobomb one of them without me realising it. She was fascinated by the camera and spent a fair bit of time trying to climb up the pole I had attached it too.
I was hoping all the way through that she wouldnt try and climb my leg like she usually does when she wants some fuss. Not only would she ruin my tights, but also my leg too! Her claws are sharp!
When we first met and before id even had a chance to take my coat off I was asked what I preferred to be called. Ill be honest I wasnt really expecting that question, but chose my male name since that was how I was presented. It feels weird to use a female name if I dont present as female.
This appears to be a whole different kind of counselling than what I went through before. My last lot of counselling was more or less about the here and now, and tools to help move forward. Plus, it also seemed to be geared totally around my gender problems. This time around the counseller wants to use a 'holistic approach', and wants to look at the whole package. My mood, motivation, diet, exercise, and so on. She also seems to be taking a broader view on my history as well. Previously it was again centered around my gender, where this time we have already talked about my childhood and family life when I was younger.
When we finished I was meant to go straight to work but I ended up going home (on the counsellors instruction) for 20-30 mins to chill out and let my mind settle. I certainly wasnt in as happy a place as I was when I went in and this was only the first session.
Im not the kind of person that opens up and shares my thoughts and feelings under normal circumstances anyway. I never really speak about them with an actual person, usually I just bottle things up and/or write about them on here. Because of this I can see future conversations being particularly uncomfortable.
The next session is in two weeks and in some ways im looking forward to it, in other ways im not.
PhotobombedIt appears during my last set of photos that my kitten Molly decided to photobomb one of them without me realising it. She was fascinated by the camera and spent a fair bit of time trying to climb up the pole I had attached it too.
I was hoping all the way through that she wouldnt try and climb my leg like she usually does when she wants some fuss. Not only would she ruin my tights, but also my leg too! Her claws are sharp!
Sunday, 23 February 2014
Counselling
I finally got a letter from my GP yesterday inviting me in for counselling, which is on Wednesday morning. Considering how long its taken to get this far, im surprised the appointment is so soon. Im meant to be working on Wednesday but im sure work wont have a problem with me attending. Now the appointment has come up though I feel a bit unsure about going.I dont feel anywhere near as depressed as I did when I was referred. That doesnt mean im completely 100% feeling good, im not. But im the kind of person who doesnt go the doctor unless im really, really bad. The NHS is stretched enough as it is and it can do without the people who go there who can make do.
I feel like I should prepare in some way. I feel like im going in for an interview or a test rather than counselling, and I dont know why. Ive been to counselling before so I know what to expect. Maybe its their expectation, im on file now as having Gender Dysphoria but I havent felt severely Dysphoric in a while. I still have my moments but nothing to the degree I felt last year. I dont want to go there and for them to think im wasting their time. Making Up for Lost Time
As you may have gathered from the pics dotted around the post, ive finally got my act together and dressed up for the first time in ages. I decided to get the camera out as well so there were numerous costume changes as I tried on some outfits I wanted to wear on my next night out to see how they would look. I think the wine dress on the top left is my favourite, the cowl neck and floaty skirt is definitely a more flattering shape. I decided to get my new camera out and try the tripod id bought for it, as well as take photos remotely via my iPad and it worked a treat.
I think the problem ive been having with the dressing is there has been no purpose. When im off work, I dont dress up just to sit around the house. A lot of the time I dont even get out of my pyjamas (I know, such a slob!) so going through all the hassle of shaving and putting on tons of makeup is far more of an effort that I would usually put in on a day off. I think I need to get myself some ladies slob-wear, maybe that would help.Motivation
Starting tomorrow im going to do some exercise, the deadline has been set. Nothing heavy, just stretching to start off for the first week or two, then im going to start doing Yoga or Pilates. My body is all stiff and I need to stretch it out a bit. Ive been saying im going to do this for months but I admit I have just been too lazy to do it. I have really bad knees which I went to physio about last year, I was given some exercises to do but never got around to doing them. Lately my knees have been getting worse so I need to do something about it.
This has always been my problem though, I lack the motivation to help myself. Whether its my knees, my teeth, going out dressed up, going out at all, or socialising with friends, I just lack motivation. I have things I want or need to do, but when I get the time off all I do is stay at home and waste my time. I dont do things unless I really have to. This is something that needs to change but its a learned behaviour now, its a difficult thing to push past.
Friday, 31 January 2014
Stupid Compromises
Next week on Friday me and my gf are going to Bristol for the day, with
the aim of meeting some friends when they finish work for some food and a
catch up. The day before this I have also been invited to go to
Gloscats (a T social night, also in Bristol) with a friend as well. When I told my gf about this and asked if she would have any problems with me going, she said that she was fine with it but she didnt want me to remove my arm hair or
do my eyebrows in case our friends the following night notice.
This kind of threw me a bit. She has never mentioned anything about having a problem with me removing my arm hair before as long as I dont do it all the time, and I certainly dont go mad on my eyebrows either. And truth be told the more I thought about it, the more I got annoyed with her.
I get fed up of compromising. I know its all part of being in a relationship and she didnt ask for this and blah blah blah. I have no intention of outing myself to people, especially by doing things to myself that cant be explained away. Fuck it, if I want to shave my body and someone asks why I do it, the simple answer is I feel cleaner, I like it, im 31 years old and I do what I want. If someone wants to ask why I pluck my eyebrows, again, im 31 years old, and if I dont groom them I look like an old wizard! Which I hate!
I dont set any rules to how she presents herself, how is it fair that she can to me. Its the age old expectation that im a man so I can only groom certain things otherwise its just not 'manly', just like society expects I have to like sports, cars, etc just because ive got a dick.
Ive gone into shutdown mode, im not talking to her about it and im just moping around the house. I almost cant believe how wound up ive gotten over this. Of course I havent done the adult thing and actually talked about this with her. Ive just been miserable for two days now, to the point I have wasted yet another day off work that could have been spent dressing up.
I cant believe how lucky I am to have someone in my life who I love more than anything, and has been reasonably accepting of this side of me too. At the same time, sometimes I cant help but think this would be far easier without her. And I hate myself for thinking this.
Sleep
It seems I dont like sleeping anymore, even when exhausted I just dont want to go to bed. And when I do have to get up for work im finding it increasingly difficult to find the willpower. I almost called in sick the other day rather than face going to work, and ive been consistently late.
Clearly im not in a right place at the moment once again.
Counselling
I dropped off my counselling referral letter at my GPs office today, ive been waiting about 6 months so far and now have to wait another 3. Im expecting to get another letter in 3 months saying ive got to wait again.
So im trying to stick to the positives. Im going out next week, this is good and should be seen as a good thing. What shall I wear that covers what I need to? What the hell am I going to do about my eyebrows?
This kind of threw me a bit. She has never mentioned anything about having a problem with me removing my arm hair before as long as I dont do it all the time, and I certainly dont go mad on my eyebrows either. And truth be told the more I thought about it, the more I got annoyed with her.
I get fed up of compromising. I know its all part of being in a relationship and she didnt ask for this and blah blah blah. I have no intention of outing myself to people, especially by doing things to myself that cant be explained away. Fuck it, if I want to shave my body and someone asks why I do it, the simple answer is I feel cleaner, I like it, im 31 years old and I do what I want. If someone wants to ask why I pluck my eyebrows, again, im 31 years old, and if I dont groom them I look like an old wizard! Which I hate!
I dont set any rules to how she presents herself, how is it fair that she can to me. Its the age old expectation that im a man so I can only groom certain things otherwise its just not 'manly', just like society expects I have to like sports, cars, etc just because ive got a dick.
Ive gone into shutdown mode, im not talking to her about it and im just moping around the house. I almost cant believe how wound up ive gotten over this. Of course I havent done the adult thing and actually talked about this with her. Ive just been miserable for two days now, to the point I have wasted yet another day off work that could have been spent dressing up.
I cant believe how lucky I am to have someone in my life who I love more than anything, and has been reasonably accepting of this side of me too. At the same time, sometimes I cant help but think this would be far easier without her. And I hate myself for thinking this.
Sleep
It seems I dont like sleeping anymore, even when exhausted I just dont want to go to bed. And when I do have to get up for work im finding it increasingly difficult to find the willpower. I almost called in sick the other day rather than face going to work, and ive been consistently late.
Clearly im not in a right place at the moment once again.
Counselling
I dropped off my counselling referral letter at my GPs office today, ive been waiting about 6 months so far and now have to wait another 3. Im expecting to get another letter in 3 months saying ive got to wait again.
So im trying to stick to the positives. Im going out next week, this is good and should be seen as a good thing. What shall I wear that covers what I need to? What the hell am I going to do about my eyebrows?
Sunday, 26 January 2014
Counselling Referral
Its been 6 months since I told my GP about what I was going through at the time, and when she referred me to counselling she said the waiting list would be about 6 months. After a few months I hadnt heard anything and thought that they must have lost the letter I returned or they forgot about me. However this week a letter arrived from my GP saying I was still on the list, asking if I still needed the counselling, and if that was the case then to return the letter but that the wait would be about another 3 months!
Im in two minds really. I know im in a far better place than I was 6 months ago with regards to how I feel about my gender, but im not perfect. There is still an underlying sadness but it isnt as in my face as it was before, its definitely bearable. But how do I know im not going to go back 'there' in future?
I suppose im more frustrated at life than I am with my gender at the moment. Im still yet to start a lot of my new years resolutions, the ones I have started have crashed and burned very quickly.
Im planning on (hopefully) going to London at some point soon for a t-girls weekend, theres still details to iron out but it could be a lot of fun. However the girls I am planning it with live on the other side of the country to me, and while the occasional trip with them would be brilliant, I need something more regular and local-ish too to give me some regular girl time.
I sound like a broken record, skipping over the same frustrations time and time again. I know im the only one that can do something about it but I just havent had time to sit down and properly plan.
Im in two minds really. I know im in a far better place than I was 6 months ago with regards to how I feel about my gender, but im not perfect. There is still an underlying sadness but it isnt as in my face as it was before, its definitely bearable. But how do I know im not going to go back 'there' in future?
I suppose im more frustrated at life than I am with my gender at the moment. Im still yet to start a lot of my new years resolutions, the ones I have started have crashed and burned very quickly.
Im planning on (hopefully) going to London at some point soon for a t-girls weekend, theres still details to iron out but it could be a lot of fun. However the girls I am planning it with live on the other side of the country to me, and while the occasional trip with them would be brilliant, I need something more regular and local-ish too to give me some regular girl time.
I sound like a broken record, skipping over the same frustrations time and time again. I know im the only one that can do something about it but I just havent had time to sit down and properly plan.
Monday, 28 October 2013
Tailed Off
I was meant to go for my follow up appointment with my GP last Thursday but the surgery called up saying it had to be cancelled because she was ill. I wonder if its something she picked up from work? I bet GPs take a lot of sick days! :)
So anyway, im waiting for her to get better before making another appointment, I could make an appointment with a different doctor there but dont want to for a few reasons. I dont want to have to explain everything again to someone else there, but also out of all the doctors that I have met at that surgery over the years she is the one I am most comfortable with I think. Thinking about it, I also wouldnt want to run the risk of coming out to another GP there and having that turn out like one of the many horror stories ive read about with people getting laughed out, being effectively told to 'man up', and so on...
I still havent had a letter inviting me in for the counselling, I need to remember to ask about that when I go in for my next GP appointment, its been a while now. Plus, im curious if the counsellor is male or female, I need to make sure I ask about this too. Im not sure I would be as comfortable talking about it with a male as I would a female for some reason.
I started to feel like the anti depressants finally tailed off about a week or two ago, and I can totally notice the difference. My mood has a lot more movement than while I was on them. Also my general mood is definitely not as low as it was before starting them, nor is this whole TG thing as obsessive as it has been previously, but I still have my moments. This is something ive noticed over the years. Im not a total depressive all the time (as much as this blog may say otherwise) but it definitely comes in phases that can last quite a long time. And each phase can be lower or higher than the last, although recently they have been plumbing new depths. Is it hormonal? Seasonal? Is it something to do with my star sign? Who knows.
Today though has been a bit different. Ive actually been pretty good, ive been my socialable old silly self. I mean, when I have my low moments I usually dont show it (although I did have a wobble in work the other day and had a go at one of my team for something minor), im still chatty and I still smile a lot and have a joke, but im not silly. Theres just something about the way my head thinks that makes me behave differently, and I havent been this way for a long time.
I dont know, its difficult to put into words really. I wonder if it will last.
So anyway, im waiting for her to get better before making another appointment, I could make an appointment with a different doctor there but dont want to for a few reasons. I dont want to have to explain everything again to someone else there, but also out of all the doctors that I have met at that surgery over the years she is the one I am most comfortable with I think. Thinking about it, I also wouldnt want to run the risk of coming out to another GP there and having that turn out like one of the many horror stories ive read about with people getting laughed out, being effectively told to 'man up', and so on...
I still havent had a letter inviting me in for the counselling, I need to remember to ask about that when I go in for my next GP appointment, its been a while now. Plus, im curious if the counsellor is male or female, I need to make sure I ask about this too. Im not sure I would be as comfortable talking about it with a male as I would a female for some reason.
I started to feel like the anti depressants finally tailed off about a week or two ago, and I can totally notice the difference. My mood has a lot more movement than while I was on them. Also my general mood is definitely not as low as it was before starting them, nor is this whole TG thing as obsessive as it has been previously, but I still have my moments. This is something ive noticed over the years. Im not a total depressive all the time (as much as this blog may say otherwise) but it definitely comes in phases that can last quite a long time. And each phase can be lower or higher than the last, although recently they have been plumbing new depths. Is it hormonal? Seasonal? Is it something to do with my star sign? Who knows.
Today though has been a bit different. Ive actually been pretty good, ive been my socialable old silly self. I mean, when I have my low moments I usually dont show it (although I did have a wobble in work the other day and had a go at one of my team for something minor), im still chatty and I still smile a lot and have a joke, but im not silly. Theres just something about the way my head thinks that makes me behave differently, and I havent been this way for a long time.
I dont know, its difficult to put into words really. I wonder if it will last.
Monday, 7 October 2013
A Few Random Things Update
Im sorry for not replying to those of you who commented on my last post, its just been a bit of a manic week and I havent really been keeping up to date on here.
Last Wednesday I had my GP appointment and told her about the side effects id been having and she said I needed to come off what id been taking. The option was given to change medication to something else but with how crazy the side effects had been I said I wanted to try and come off the anti-depressants entirely for a little bit to try and clear my head, but if I start feeling really low again then I would consider something else. On Wednesday I dropped my dose down to 1 a day, and starting Wednesday I will drop it again to 1 every other day and just take it from there really. Since reducing the dose the dreams have still been as intense and crazy as ever, however the bouncing around in bed as I sleep thankfully seems to have calmed right down and all I do at the moment is still talk in my sleep. Im hoping this will also die down as time goes on.
On Friday I already started to feel the effects of the ADs reducing, and I cant say it is for the better. My general mood has been lower than it has recently, and while ive been able to put on a brave face inside has been a different story. I wont go so far as to say im feeling the depression again, but im feeling generally pretty indifferent to life at the moment, and the lump in my throat seems to come back from time to time too. The only exception to this was Saturday night.
On Saturday night I went out clubbing for the first time in probably a year or more, and I loved it. Sadly I went as a bloke but I was happy for the chance to blow off some steam. One of my favourite old school UK Hard Trance DJs was booked to play at a local night and me and my gf went out for a dance. We didnt bother trying to meet up with old friends or anything, we just turned up, had some drinks and danced like mad for hours. Its been a long time since ive heard music like that and even longer since I heard music like that on a club sound system, and it made me realise how much I miss clubbing. On the flip side of this though I also had the odd bout of dysphoria to get through too. There were too many trendy girls dressed the way I would want to dress to go out clubbing, and on occasion it really put me off although for the most part I just concentrated on the alcohol and music to relative success. That night made me realise that I think my 'raving years' were an effort to try and bury this side of me. For many, many years music, partying, and drugs were the centre of my life. They were the only things I concentrated on and while I had bouts of thoughts about wanting to be a girl, they were nowhere near as extended and severe as before or after.
On Sunday me and my gf went into town and did some shopping, went for food, and generally had a relaxing day. I bought some new clothes which are really nice, however when it came to trying them on today almost none of them fit right, it is so frustrating!!! I was going to dress up today (again) but got so annoyed it put me right off. Im fed up of this, I just wish my shoulders werent so bloody huge!
And finally, ive had an idea for a trans* website that as far as I can see hasnt been done before. Ive gone so far as to brainstorm a few ideas but am really not sure where to start on setting it up. Problems I will have are actually creating it, hosting it, spreading the word, monetizing it, and so on. Im not too fussed on making any kind of profit, but I think I will need to stump up some cash to initially buy the website template, and also to host it too so am more bothered about covering those costs really. If anyone has any insights or experience in doing this I would love some advice!
Last Wednesday I had my GP appointment and told her about the side effects id been having and she said I needed to come off what id been taking. The option was given to change medication to something else but with how crazy the side effects had been I said I wanted to try and come off the anti-depressants entirely for a little bit to try and clear my head, but if I start feeling really low again then I would consider something else. On Wednesday I dropped my dose down to 1 a day, and starting Wednesday I will drop it again to 1 every other day and just take it from there really. Since reducing the dose the dreams have still been as intense and crazy as ever, however the bouncing around in bed as I sleep thankfully seems to have calmed right down and all I do at the moment is still talk in my sleep. Im hoping this will also die down as time goes on.
On Friday I already started to feel the effects of the ADs reducing, and I cant say it is for the better. My general mood has been lower than it has recently, and while ive been able to put on a brave face inside has been a different story. I wont go so far as to say im feeling the depression again, but im feeling generally pretty indifferent to life at the moment, and the lump in my throat seems to come back from time to time too. The only exception to this was Saturday night.
On Saturday night I went out clubbing for the first time in probably a year or more, and I loved it. Sadly I went as a bloke but I was happy for the chance to blow off some steam. One of my favourite old school UK Hard Trance DJs was booked to play at a local night and me and my gf went out for a dance. We didnt bother trying to meet up with old friends or anything, we just turned up, had some drinks and danced like mad for hours. Its been a long time since ive heard music like that and even longer since I heard music like that on a club sound system, and it made me realise how much I miss clubbing. On the flip side of this though I also had the odd bout of dysphoria to get through too. There were too many trendy girls dressed the way I would want to dress to go out clubbing, and on occasion it really put me off although for the most part I just concentrated on the alcohol and music to relative success. That night made me realise that I think my 'raving years' were an effort to try and bury this side of me. For many, many years music, partying, and drugs were the centre of my life. They were the only things I concentrated on and while I had bouts of thoughts about wanting to be a girl, they were nowhere near as extended and severe as before or after.
On Sunday me and my gf went into town and did some shopping, went for food, and generally had a relaxing day. I bought some new clothes which are really nice, however when it came to trying them on today almost none of them fit right, it is so frustrating!!! I was going to dress up today (again) but got so annoyed it put me right off. Im fed up of this, I just wish my shoulders werent so bloody huge!
And finally, ive had an idea for a trans* website that as far as I can see hasnt been done before. Ive gone so far as to brainstorm a few ideas but am really not sure where to start on setting it up. Problems I will have are actually creating it, hosting it, spreading the word, monetizing it, and so on. Im not too fussed on making any kind of profit, but I think I will need to stump up some cash to initially buy the website template, and also to host it too so am more bothered about covering those costs really. If anyone has any insights or experience in doing this I would love some advice!
Monday, 30 September 2013
Gotta Stop
Well, the past few weeks have been an interesting experience. Since upping my dose nearly a month ago the medication has been having some adverse effects. Once they started bedding in, every night for weeks now I have been having the most vivid, crazy, lucid, random, intense dreams I have ever had. Ever. Theyve been great fun and as long as they dont turn to nightmares id be happy for them to continue. The problem is that I am also grinding my teeth really hard and fidgeting like crazy in bed every night as well, which means im hurting my teeth and jaw, im not really resting properly, and I also keep waking my gf up. The other night I was kicked out of bed at 1.30am because she had had enough of me bouncing around.
Ive got a GP appointment again this week, im thinking of asking to be taken off them totally and see how that goes. Im fed up of having a cloudy head and feeling tired all the time. I am physically and mentally exhausted, and at this point id rather be miserable than this tired!
Ive got a GP appointment again this week, im thinking of asking to be taken off them totally and see how that goes. Im fed up of having a cloudy head and feeling tired all the time. I am physically and mentally exhausted, and at this point id rather be miserable than this tired!
Thursday, 5 September 2013
"Be True To Who You Are..."
The title of this post is a line my GP said today during another of my follow up appointments. Its a line that stuck in my head because on reflection, I dont know who I am anymore. Maybe I never did. My heads been trying to make sense of this gender crap for so long now that ive lost sight of where I came from and where I need to go.
When asked if I wasnt with my partner where do I think I would be now, I gave the same answer that I gave my counsellor last year when she asked the same question: "id probably have started self-medding hormones a long time ago". This is an accurate answer, but after thinking about it afterwards, would I have been doing it for the right reasons? I really dont know. I found it difficult to have a proper conversation with my GP about it, mostly because it was too early in the morning for me and I just couldnt engage my brain to consider my responses and properly convey what I wanted to say.
I see myself as me. A male me. A man me. A hairy, sweaty, lazy, miserable, ageing, masculine me. This is who I am, but I hate it. Equally, I long to be female. I cant begin to describe how badly I want it some days. Every waking moment filled with thoughts of what life could be like, and filled with envy, jealousy, depression and frustration whenever I think about or see the fairer sex, or those that have transitioned to join them. Do I hate the male me because I feel like I should be a woman? I dont think so no. I think I hate it because it makes it more difficult for me to become my female self when I need to. All that bloody hair, horrible skin, veins sticking out, knobbly joints and sticky out bones. All the things that are tell tale signs of testosterone infestation are things that I hate about myself. But, these are all physical signs. I think like a man, I behave like a man, I talk like a man, and it seems that all of the mental aspects im ok with. If I could just stay as I am and swap bodies I would be happy.
I think time is a factor, its slipping away at an accelerated rate and as it passes more issues have to be considered, and in turn stressing me out more. Ive been with my partner for 10 years, she is approaching the point where she will want children, probably soon. I need to have this gender conflict resolved so it can either give her an opportunity for a clean break and a chance to find someone else before time runs out for her, or know that I will be in a stable enough position to be able to stay with her and have kids together, without worrying about succumbing to GD. In an ideal world I would love to stay with her regardless of what direction I go in but I already know that transitioning would mean the end of us.
Bottom line. I want to manage this, and this is what I told my GP. Drugs, counselling, CBT, whatever it takes. Transition is a last resort for when all else fails.
But just typing the above sentence is making me feel like im making a mistake, its making me feel sad. But I dont think I could deal with the social suicide of going full time. Im not under any illusion of being able to pass, I wont. The testosterone has done its damage over the years and it will be plainly obvious to all what I used to be. Being an outcast, always being seen as different by friends and family, this makes me feel sadder. It just seems ive got to decide between 2 pretty shitty outcomes, neither im going to be completely happy with.
I just dont have the time to figure this out, and this adds to the pressure.
When asked if I wasnt with my partner where do I think I would be now, I gave the same answer that I gave my counsellor last year when she asked the same question: "id probably have started self-medding hormones a long time ago". This is an accurate answer, but after thinking about it afterwards, would I have been doing it for the right reasons? I really dont know. I found it difficult to have a proper conversation with my GP about it, mostly because it was too early in the morning for me and I just couldnt engage my brain to consider my responses and properly convey what I wanted to say.
I see myself as me. A male me. A man me. A hairy, sweaty, lazy, miserable, ageing, masculine me. This is who I am, but I hate it. Equally, I long to be female. I cant begin to describe how badly I want it some days. Every waking moment filled with thoughts of what life could be like, and filled with envy, jealousy, depression and frustration whenever I think about or see the fairer sex, or those that have transitioned to join them. Do I hate the male me because I feel like I should be a woman? I dont think so no. I think I hate it because it makes it more difficult for me to become my female self when I need to. All that bloody hair, horrible skin, veins sticking out, knobbly joints and sticky out bones. All the things that are tell tale signs of testosterone infestation are things that I hate about myself. But, these are all physical signs. I think like a man, I behave like a man, I talk like a man, and it seems that all of the mental aspects im ok with. If I could just stay as I am and swap bodies I would be happy.
I think time is a factor, its slipping away at an accelerated rate and as it passes more issues have to be considered, and in turn stressing me out more. Ive been with my partner for 10 years, she is approaching the point where she will want children, probably soon. I need to have this gender conflict resolved so it can either give her an opportunity for a clean break and a chance to find someone else before time runs out for her, or know that I will be in a stable enough position to be able to stay with her and have kids together, without worrying about succumbing to GD. In an ideal world I would love to stay with her regardless of what direction I go in but I already know that transitioning would mean the end of us.
Bottom line. I want to manage this, and this is what I told my GP. Drugs, counselling, CBT, whatever it takes. Transition is a last resort for when all else fails.
But just typing the above sentence is making me feel like im making a mistake, its making me feel sad. But I dont think I could deal with the social suicide of going full time. Im not under any illusion of being able to pass, I wont. The testosterone has done its damage over the years and it will be plainly obvious to all what I used to be. Being an outcast, always being seen as different by friends and family, this makes me feel sadder. It just seems ive got to decide between 2 pretty shitty outcomes, neither im going to be completely happy with.
I just dont have the time to figure this out, and this adds to the pressure.
Friday, 16 August 2013
Demotiv-8 Upd-8
So the happy pills finally kicked in about a week and a half ago, and im feeling much better. The first few weeks were horrible, going through stages of feeling spaced out, not thinking straight, feeling up then down, and so on, but once they leveled out its a lot better. I still feel a tiny bit, I dont know how to describe it, fluffy? But I can work through it. Its odd, sometimes if something has triggered a low feeling I feel like my head is
saying I should be depressed or miserable, but I dont actually feel it. This is particularly noticeable with the GD, my head goes through the thoughts but the bad feelings attached just arent there, mostly. I do feel a little bad on occasion but its nothing compared to where I was. The only other thing is the drowsiness, if I havent slept right or enough, where I used to be able to deal with it no problem for a few days, now it just hits me so hard. I just feel like napping a lot.
I went back to the GP today for my first check up since telling her and starting the anti depressants. It was ok really, the GD wasnt discussed much. She did ask if I had been thinking about it as much since starting the anti depressants and to be honest I dont think I have. I still think about it a lot but I dont think about it is as much as I used to. I took another depression test and compared it to one I took at my last appointment, and I have gone down from moderately depressed to mild. I didnt feel moderately depressed last time, I can tell you, but thats the result I was given! I have another appointment in a few weeks so we shall have to see how that goes. Im also now on the waiting list for a counsellor, but have to wait 7 months for an appointment which is a crazy amount of time but I dont really have a choice.
In other news, our kitten is one evil feline! He is now about 3 months old, and I am absolutely covered in scratches. Hands, arms, legs, feet, everywhere. And this morning it clawed my head while I was sleeping because my gf left the bedroom door open while she was getting ready for work, and I am left with a nice long scratch on my face. Thanks. Its nice and cute for about 5 minutes a day, the rest it just runs around and attacks everything. So annoying!
Thursday, 25 July 2013
This Morning I Told My GP
So, this morning I told my GP. The wait to see her took forever, and every time a name was called up over the tannoy my anxiety ratcheted up a notch which considering I waited for 45 mins, meant I worked myself up quite a lot before getting to see her. When I finally sat down with her I told her how ive been feeling over the past 3-4 weeks, depressed, on the verge of tears, low self esteem, difficulty being motivated or concentrating, and so on.
Considering I was off work previously with work related stress the obvious starting point for her was to ask how it was going, which all things considered it is ok. Its never going to be stress free since this is the nature of the job but comparing now to what it was like last year it is so much better, and I am happier there too. However what im feeling now is a lot different to what I had last year. Less stress, more emotion.
So she then asked about my private life, and this was my opening. So, my hands waved around and my mouth opened and closed a few times while I considered where and how to start before I told her that ive been struggling with what I believe is Gender Dysphoria, and that lately its been difficult to manage. It was at this point I almost cried a bit, that lump in my throat that has been there for weeks almost gave way. I told her I was a practicing Transvestite which sometimes helps and that the last few years I have been trying to manage it but recently have been struggling to.
I forget exactly how the conversation went. We talked about me coming to realise it wasnt going away, getting some clothes in to try and explore things, telling my girlfriend, how I thought things were getting better, and even briefly Sparkle too. I talked about the thoughts that never go away, the white noise in my head, the fact it gets in the way, and the frustration and obsessing. I also told her I have looked into self-medding a few times over the years too (which I dont think ive admitted to anyone before). In an effort to assure me I suppose she told me that they do have some Transgender patients who go there so they do have some experience in dealing with people like me.
She asked what I want to do, I said I want to manage it. I dont want to transition or anything like that, she kind of looked surprised at this. She asked if my partner wasnt in the picture would I be giving the same answer, and I probably wouldnt be. Like I said to the counsellor I went to see last year, if I wasnt with her id probably be on a very different path now. She asked if I have told her how ive been feeling, and I havent. She is a worrier, and someone I love very much. If I told her all it would do is fuel her paranoia of me wanting to go FT, which if I ever did it would mean the end of our relationship, which is the last thing I want. Im confident there must be a way of living with this.
My GP said if I had walked in and said something like: "I want to be a woman" she would have referred me but since im not in a position where I know what I need, she couldnt, which is fair enough. Ive been signed onto the waiting list to speak to an NHS counsellor which will take about 6 months, for the depression she has given me anti-depressants which unlike last year I have accepted this time, and I have to go back and speak to her in a few weeks time.
Ive missed a lot of the conversation out to be honest, im never good at remembering the details but above is the general gist of it.
Did I leave feeling relieved, elated, or cured? No. I was going to dress up today, I bought a few new dresses from New Look yesterday too and wanted to try them on but I feel so low and demotivated im just not in the mood at all. But at least im in the system now, I have a doctor I can talk to about it. Something is happening.
Considering I was off work previously with work related stress the obvious starting point for her was to ask how it was going, which all things considered it is ok. Its never going to be stress free since this is the nature of the job but comparing now to what it was like last year it is so much better, and I am happier there too. However what im feeling now is a lot different to what I had last year. Less stress, more emotion.
So she then asked about my private life, and this was my opening. So, my hands waved around and my mouth opened and closed a few times while I considered where and how to start before I told her that ive been struggling with what I believe is Gender Dysphoria, and that lately its been difficult to manage. It was at this point I almost cried a bit, that lump in my throat that has been there for weeks almost gave way. I told her I was a practicing Transvestite which sometimes helps and that the last few years I have been trying to manage it but recently have been struggling to.
I forget exactly how the conversation went. We talked about me coming to realise it wasnt going away, getting some clothes in to try and explore things, telling my girlfriend, how I thought things were getting better, and even briefly Sparkle too. I talked about the thoughts that never go away, the white noise in my head, the fact it gets in the way, and the frustration and obsessing. I also told her I have looked into self-medding a few times over the years too (which I dont think ive admitted to anyone before). In an effort to assure me I suppose she told me that they do have some Transgender patients who go there so they do have some experience in dealing with people like me.
She asked what I want to do, I said I want to manage it. I dont want to transition or anything like that, she kind of looked surprised at this. She asked if my partner wasnt in the picture would I be giving the same answer, and I probably wouldnt be. Like I said to the counsellor I went to see last year, if I wasnt with her id probably be on a very different path now. She asked if I have told her how ive been feeling, and I havent. She is a worrier, and someone I love very much. If I told her all it would do is fuel her paranoia of me wanting to go FT, which if I ever did it would mean the end of our relationship, which is the last thing I want. Im confident there must be a way of living with this.
My GP said if I had walked in and said something like: "I want to be a woman" she would have referred me but since im not in a position where I know what I need, she couldnt, which is fair enough. Ive been signed onto the waiting list to speak to an NHS counsellor which will take about 6 months, for the depression she has given me anti-depressants which unlike last year I have accepted this time, and I have to go back and speak to her in a few weeks time.
Ive missed a lot of the conversation out to be honest, im never good at remembering the details but above is the general gist of it.
Did I leave feeling relieved, elated, or cured? No. I was going to dress up today, I bought a few new dresses from New Look yesterday too and wanted to try them on but I feel so low and demotivated im just not in the mood at all. But at least im in the system now, I have a doctor I can talk to about it. Something is happening.
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