Friday, 31 January 2014

Stupid Compromises

Next week on Friday me and my gf are going to Bristol for the day, with the aim of meeting some friends when they finish work for some food and a catch up. The day before this I have also been invited to go to Gloscats (a T social night, also in Bristol) with a friend as well. When I told my gf about this and asked if she would have any problems with me going, she said that she was fine with it but she didnt want me to remove my arm hair or do my eyebrows in case our friends the following night notice.

This kind of threw me a bit. She has never mentioned anything about having a problem with me removing my arm hair before as long as I dont do it all the time, and I certainly dont go mad on my eyebrows either. And truth be told the more I thought about it, the more I got annoyed with her.

I get fed up of compromising. I know its all part of being in a relationship and she didnt ask for this and blah blah blah. I have no intention of outing myself to people, especially by doing things to myself that cant be explained away. Fuck it, if I want to shave my body and someone asks why I do it, the simple answer is I feel cleaner, I like it, im 31 years old and I do what I want. If someone wants to ask why I pluck my eyebrows, again, im 31 years old, and if I dont groom them I look like an old wizard! Which I hate!

I dont set any rules to how she presents herself, how is it fair that she can to me. Its the age old expectation that im a man so I can only groom certain things otherwise its just not 'manly', just like society expects I have to like sports, cars, etc just because ive got a dick.

Ive gone into shutdown mode, im not talking to her about it and im just moping around the house. I almost cant believe how wound up ive gotten over this. Of course I havent done the adult thing and actually talked about this with her. Ive just been miserable for two days now, to the point I have wasted yet another day off work that could have been spent dressing up.

I cant believe how lucky I am to have someone in my life who I love more than anything, and has been reasonably accepting of this side of me too. At the same time, sometimes I cant help but think this would be far easier without her. And I hate myself for thinking this.


It seems I dont like sleeping anymore, even when exhausted I just dont want to go to bed. And when I do have to get up for work im finding it increasingly difficult to find the willpower. I almost called in sick the other day rather than face going to work, and ive been consistently late.

Clearly im not in a right place at the moment once again.


I dropped off my counselling referral letter at my GPs office today, ive been waiting about 6 months so far and now have to wait another 3. Im expecting to get another letter in 3 months saying ive got to wait again.

So im trying to stick to the positives. Im going out next week, this is good and should be seen as a good thing. What shall I wear that covers what I need to? What the hell am I going to do about my eyebrows?

Sunday, 26 January 2014

Counselling Referral

Its been 6 months since I told my GP about what I was going through at the time, and when she referred me to counselling she said the waiting list would be about 6 months. After a few months I hadnt heard anything and thought that they must have lost the letter I returned or they forgot about me. However this week a letter arrived from my GP saying I was still on the list, asking if I still needed the counselling, and if that was the case then to return the letter but that the wait would be about another 3 months!

Im in two minds really. I know im in a far better place than I was 6 months ago with regards to how I feel about my gender, but im not perfect. There is still an underlying sadness but it isnt as in my face as it was before, its definitely bearable. But how do I know im not going to go back 'there' in future?

I suppose im more frustrated at life than I am with my gender at the moment. Im still yet to start a lot of my new years resolutions, the ones I have started have crashed and burned very quickly.

Im planning on (hopefully) going to London at some point soon for a t-girls weekend, theres still details to iron out but it could be a lot of fun. However the girls I am planning it with live on the other side of the country to me, and while the occasional trip with them would be brilliant, I need something more regular and local-ish too to give me some regular girl time.

I sound like a broken record, skipping over the same frustrations time and time again. I know im the only one that can do something about it but I just havent had time to sit down and properly plan.

Thursday, 9 January 2014

Dressing Up, Boobs and Shaky Hands

Ive been off for a week with absolutely no real life plans whatsoever, and im back in work on Saturday (boo!). In this time I could have done a lot of things, I could have even ticked a few new years resolutions off the list but I havent even bothered. What I have noticed is a change in my sleeping habits, not wanting to sleep at night and then having difficulty sleeping when I do eventually go to bed, and also sleeping in the day or at least feeling so lethargic I cant bring myself to do anything. I think this is just me still in my lazy pattern. When im back in work this will change, well, it will have to or im going to get tired out very quickly!

Yesterday I set myself the goal of dressing up today because my week off is nearly over and I wont get a chance to otherwise, and I did it. It took me a while to get motivated but I got around to it eventually and was fully dressed by about mid afternoon. I still have so many problems with eye makeup its getting quite annoying now (and I jabbed myself in the eye with mascara today, ouch!). Ive watched numerous YouTube tutorials and read so many resources but I just cant get it took look right at all. I dont know if its technique, rubbish brushes, the wrong colours, the makeup itself, something else or a combination of all of the above. I think I might spend some time just practicing around the eyes a few times a week, I just cant get eyeshadow to look like anything more than looking like ive been punched in the face.

Dressing up today didnt have its usual effect. I found myself doing my usual and just looking at and inspecting myself in the mirror for ages but I didnt feel happier, calmer or any of the usual effects. To be honest it just felt like I was going through the motions for the sake of it. I got my camera out and tried to take some photos since my last batch turned out terribly and again just arent happy with a lot of them. Shaky hands for most of the selfies, and when I was playing back the videos I just looked so awkward that I was only happy with few screenshots. The poor lighting didnt help the image quality of the video either. In the end I was only dressed for a few hours before my gf was on her way home from work and I decided to peel it all off before she got back.

I just dont get it, my T side plays on my mind almost constantly but I get a moment to dress (well ive had a week) and I just cant get into it. I know I cant force it but it just feels like im letting myself down.

So what else have I been thinking about this week... Boobs. Apart from the fact that I long to grow my own and regularly day dream about it, I have been shopping around for an upgrade of my breast forms to a pair of silicone forms but there is so much choice. At one stage I was seriously considering the RealBreast Cleavage forms but its a lot of money to pay for something im probably only going to use a few times a year. If I was a serious week in week out t-girl (I wish) then I might have considered it. Otherwise, im stuck and I dont know what to get. Im unsure on what shape to get between triangle and assymetrical, and im also unsure about what brand to get. Amolux? Breastform Store Gold Seal? Something else? They can be quite expensive and I dont want to pay that much money for something that could be poor quality. There just arent that many independent reviews (that I can find) to make an informed decision, its quite annoying.

Ive also been thinking about laser beard removal. Im not sure if my gfs permission to get it done back in 2012 still stands, I might have to double check but as long as she gives the go ahead I think I might go for it. Im fed up of my beard, even as a bloke it just makes me look like a tramp and im fed up of the state it leaves my face in after shaving.

Tomorrow im going to go into town to return some girl clothes that dont fit right, maybe buy some more girl clothes, maybe buy some new eye makeup, and probably buy a new camera too. My camera is quite old now and is getting quite irritating, especially when I want to take some selfies of myself all dressed up. If I take photos then so many have to be binned because of shaky hands, or if I try to record a video the quality drops dramtically and the pictures look a lot darker. The camera ive been looking at has really good image stabilisation, records video at 1080p 60fps, and even lets me control and take photos remotely via an app on a smartphone or tablet. So, in theory it should make taking photos massively easier. There are some downsides with the camera but I might just have to deal with them to be honest.

Thursday, 2 January 2014

Another New Year

I hope you all enjoyed your New Years festivities, and that your 2013 went well and your 2014 goes much better!

So this is it, 2013 is now over. It feels like every year is passing a lot faster than the last and I get the impression things time is only going to accelerate with each year that passes. Ive just been over the new years resolutions I made last year and also thinking about the things I wanted to change about my real life as well and while there have been a few definite high points these are very rare in what has been another slow and low year with no real sustained movement in my trans-life. Some of this can be blamed on work, with my horrible shift pattern getting in the way of having social time, but the rest can be blamed on me being apathetic or miserable at my state of affairs. My enthusiasm for life just seemed to tail off pretty quickly as the year progressed. However, towards the end of this year I seem to have started to find my mojo again so heres hoping 2014 will be different.

Out of the 12 trans-resolutions I made last new year, I only managed to do 3 and even then not fully:

  • Get body waxed (well, I got my chest and arms waxed)
  • Get a new wig
  • Go on a long weekend away to spend totally as Aimee (I went to Sparkle, but I didnt get to spend the whole weekend 24 hours a day dressed up)

And to be honest, compared to some of the others these seemed like the easiest to do. So this year once again I want to make resolutions, and will be using what I didnt complete last year as a starting point:
  • Start and maintain an exercise regime to keep fit without adding bulk. Start with things I can do at home after work like some simple stretching to increase flexibility, then go onto something like Yoga or Pilates, before maybe going onto something like jogging 3 times a week
  • Look at my diet and try to eat a little healthier. Cut out chocolate and look for things to snack on that arent full of sugar or salt. Im fussy so this wont be easy
  • Work on feminine mannerisms and movement somehow
  • Start and maintain a proper face routine, need to improve facial skin quality
  • Regularly shave my face (around every 2-3 days), do it after work if I find mornings too tight
  • Look into permanent (well, semi permanent) beard removal
  • Regularly keep my body hair in check
  • Get eyebrows tidied professionally and maintain
  • Get a new wig (yes I want another one, maybe a bit shorter this time)
  • Expand my social circle and meet people face to face more regularly
  • Go to a spa day
  • Go to Boots and have a chat with them about their hair retention program, with the aim of growing my hair out
  • Get a manicure and possibly a pedicure
  • Go out at least bi-monthly, whether its to a T friendly bar or a daytrip somewhere, even if I have to go alone
  • Go on a long weekend away to spend dressed up 24 hours a day
  • Go clubbing as Aimee, and by clubbing I mean to a 'straight' night, not a T or Gay venue
  • Post on this blog once every week

So, not a small list by any means. :)

As I made note of last year, the lifestyle changes are the ones im going to find more difficult to take on board, and I proved it too! Im hoping by being more specific in what I want to do, and the times to do it I can make them more realistic and in turn, more likely for me to complete. I had a lot of real life distractions last year that got in the way, im determined that this year is going to be a fresh start for me. I want to get to a point where by the end of this year im happy (well as happy as I can be) with my female presentation, but im not going to get there without putting in some work. And im hoping that some of these changes will also positively impact my real life too.