Last weekend I ticked several things off the bucket list. Not only did I go on my first night out as 'me' in 8 years, but also my first night out ever to non LGBT venues as well as my first night out to a Dance Music club which I have wanted to visit for many years anyway, which is also non LGBT. I've never really been keen on the usual Trans friendly spaces, they serve a purpose sure, but I'm not really into support groups or the bar scene or mainstream nightclubs, whether its a straight or LGBT venue.
This is probably going to be a long post. I want to say a little about the preparation and issues I was having beforehand under the heading "The Buildup" or if you want to skip that bit and head straight to the night out itself, scroll down to "The Drop".
The Buildup
About 2 months ago I got together for a chat and a drink with a Trans friend who I have known for maybe 10 years now, on and off. We've never met as our 'true selves', but it's still nice to meet in 'boymode' and we have many common interests, including music. She's been trying to get me to join her on a night out for years, but she was always going out locally to LGBT venues and I'm not out like she is, so that wasn't going to happen.
We were talking about music and events that were happening around the area and we idly discussed going to a proper nightclub as ourselves, but somewhere where it would be safe to do something like that. Certain venues with aggressive bouncers or certain music scenes might not be the safest place for a Trans person to visit.
An idea that came up was a popular PsyTrance night in a neighboring city because we both like the music and PsyTrance attracts quite a hippy crowd, one you think would be open to people who are outside the norm. Soon after our get together, we were chatting online and decided that we would do it.
I haven't been out as 'me' in a very long time, I've put on weight, a lot of my clothes are old and don't fit anymore, but also I haven't really talked about this side of me with my partner for a very long time and it was feeling like it was becoming the elephant in the room a bit.
So over the course of the next few months, I had a lot of practical things I had to arrange because I didn't want to stand out looking different, I spent a lot of time stressing about the unknowns (to me) of doing something new like this in public, but also I had to tell my partner as well.
I won't bore you with the details of the practical side, but briefly:
- Find an outfit I could wear with as little padding as possible, which I agonised over the whole time leading up to the night out. A big thank you to my friends who didn't hear the end of this for about a month! :)
- Buy new jewellery and accessories for the night to complete my outfit.
- Figure out long lasting, sweat proof makeup.
- Lose a few pounds to fit into a dress I wanted to wear, which I succeeded in doing with intermittent fasting and a little cycling.
- Get a new wig which would be cooler to wear and cheap in case it got lost or damaged. After messaging someone at Lush Wigs they advised that getting one without any lace would be the coolest to wear and they had a gorgeous wig for £30 which I picked up.
- Get an almost full body wax a few days before the event, and OW! It hurt! But the results are amazing.
I haven't really talked about this side of me with my partner for years, it's basically been on hold from when we were hard saving to buy a house, then buying a house, then renovating, then Covid and so on. I was aware it was something which she had been growing uncomfortable with for some reason, I could tell when the subject came up her tone and demeanor changed, and I was finding it more and more difficult to talk about with her and I wasn't really keen on bringing this night out up with her.
So one night we sat down and we had a chat about it. She has always said she doesn't want to get in my way with my Trans side and was happy for me to go, but she had a lot of insecurities around this that I think she has been holding onto for quite a while.
She was worried I'm going to one day want to transition and leave her, or I'm going to decide I want to have sex with men and leave her for a man. I think she also compares herself to my female side who she sees as glamorous (for some reason?) and she isn't like that, I think she thinks that this is what my taste in women is and she isn't that kind of woman.
So we had a long chat and I tried to settle those worries. No I'm not planning on transition, no I'm not interested in men. What I like to wear doesn't mean that's what I find attractive on another woman, but also I'm not really glamorous either, that was just when I was going out to LGBT bars as that was what people there wore, but I'd be much rather be in comfy clothes and a hoodie. I did mention that I do wish I could make some changes so it was easier for me to go from one gender expression to the other, but I'm aware that compromises have to be made.
It was good to get all that out in the open to be honest, it feels like it's been sat there for years. Since then, she seems to be more calm about me being Trans and we have what feels like normal conversations about it. She doesn't want to see it, she's said she isn't ready for that, and she feels guilty that she doesn't get involved with it? She thinks she should be doing things with 'me'. I've assured her that just giving me space is more than enough, she doesn't need to be there as well, although she is always welcome. I invited her to the night out as I always have before, which she declined.
On the day, I checked into the hotel first, my friend wasn't due to turn up until later in the evening. I popped into the city to do some shopping and pick up some bits I'd forgotten. The weather forecast was for rain in the evening, so I also had to go and buy a raincoat just in case. Dressed as I was, I'm sure the staff in the store were a bit confused why I was trying on ladies coats. :)
I then went back to my hotel room and started getting ready, and as well as the weather forecast through the day it felt like everything that could go wrong was going wrong. Under the lights in the hotel bathroom, my beard shadow wasn't covering properly, my concealer looked really obvious, an eyeliner I'd picked up at the suggestion of a friend was difficult to use and I got everywhere, then I realised I'd packed the wrong micellar water and I couldn't get it off so I rubbed one eye raw. I couldn't get my new hair to sit right, and even after leaving my nails to dry for ages I still ended up bumping and smudging my nail polish. I was so stressed!!!
As the evening drew closer and it was approaching time to leave, all those problems I'd been worrying about for the last hour faded away much like the weather update which said the rain was getting pushed towards the morning, enough that I felt OK to risk not taking the rain jacket I'd spent ages shopping for. Typical. :)
The Drop
My friend turned up at the hotel all ready for the night out, but the people on reception said they were not left a key for her (which they definitely were). So my big grand entrance to the world as my first time out as me in 8 years, was spent going down to the hotel reception in all my finery to explain the situation and get them to give her a new key. This was not really how I imagined my first night out was going to start. :)
We went back to the room, dropped her stuff off, spent a few more minutes getting ready then we left. We got a few minutes round the corner from the hotel, decided it was far too cold and went back to the hotel to get our jackets. Yet another false start. :)
After this, we finally left! The club wasn't far from the hotel and we decided to go to a bar before for a few drinks first. The bars in the area were not LGBT spaces, so this would be my first time going to straight bars and I was really unsure how this would go. Of course it was also really windy, so I had to hold my hair down as we were walking around and my hair really fluffed up which was so annoying.
The first bar we went to, the bouncer greeted us "Hi guys" with a big friendly smile on his face. I commented about the possible backhanded use of guys to my friend but she said that was just a general greeting. Dressed as we were, I wasn't so sure but decided to join her in that blissful ignorance. The bar was busy, there were loads of people in there, the bar staff were friendly and we were treated like anyone else. The normality was so nice.
After this, we went to another bar up the road. Same greeting, same service, and much quieter so we were able to sit at a table and speak more about how the night was going.
At both bars I didn't notice any double takes or side eyes or anything from anyone there, staff or customers. It was really nice just how normal it felt to be out in the world as me. After we finished our drinks, we then wandered back down the road and onto the club.
The bouncers greeted us with a smile saying "Hi ladies" (much more like it), I opened my bag for him to search and he complimented my hair and asked if it was mine (not bad for £30!). The club itself is an old warehouse decorated with drapes and hanging decorations covering almost every surface, all lit up and glowing like a UV wonderland. The sound systems were all loud and clear, and there were 4 rooms of music to choose from. Perfect. :)
We had an amazing time enjoying the music, taking in the scenery, having plenty to drink, and dancing the night away until the morning.
Again, over the course of the night the staff there were friendly and smiley and treated us like anyone else. We chatted with a few clubbers there and we were treated like any other women. From the drunk rocker lady whose first night it was there as well, who called us beautiful and gave the goss on among so many other things the men she had to deal with working at Coyote Ugly (I wish I'd got to know her more, she was so fun), the ladies chatting to us and dancing with us while queuing for the loo, and the guy who approached us in the chillout area and greeted us and said we were beautiful as well (in a platonic way, we thought he might be Trans as well), and of course all the people on the dancefloor who were all smiles and friendly or even just paid us no attention as we all danced away.
We were going to leave when it finished at 7am but after getting our coats a little early to avoid the cloakroom queue, we decided to go and ended up leaving at 6.30am. It was already daylight by then so the final first experience of the night was the walk of shame back to the hotel. :)
A Dream Realised and a Learning Experience
There are some practical issues I've taken away from this, like I thought I had nailed covering beard shadow but that clearly needs more work, so I won't be going out in daytime anytime soon.
But more importantly, I'm a lifelong clubber/raver. Dance Music in various forms has been in
my blood since I discovered it as a teenager. And one thing I've always
wanted to do in all this time, is to be able to go to events like this
authentically as me. It sounds sad in a way, but this night was a
lifelong dream of mine and I'm so happy it went so well. I had probably one of the best nights of my life simply because I didn't have to hide who I truly was.
I'm aware I don't have a figure that's particularly feminine or that I move or sound as feminine as I would like. But even with all this working against me, any interactions I had with people throughout the night never felt forced or like there was any judgement or confusion about what they were looking at. The normality of being read as and treated like any other woman, to be taken at face value, was something I realised I was missing more than I thought I was.
It's one thing chatting with friends online or meeting in 'boymode' or whatever, but there is nothing more affirming than a normal, in person, face to face interaction where the other person just accepts what they see and treats you as such. Whether you're arguing about where the hotel key was left, ordering a drink at a bar, or tipsily joking with a bouncer as you leave a nightclub at 6.30 in the morning.
But to be honest, as amazing as the time was that I had and how happy I've felt knowing I've experienced it, I feel a little sad knowing that is what I'm missing and not knowing when I will be getting it again. Until next time I guess.
Chloe x
