An Eventful Year

Hi everyone, it's been a while since my last post and a few things have happened during this time but I've just not had a chance to sit at my computer to get it all down.

Coming Out To A Friend

Back in July, I decided to come out to a friend I work with. She's the first person in my 'day life' that I've chosen to come out, and it was very scary. We've worked together for many years and get on so well, we have a similar sense of humour, trust each other with secrets (generally bitching about people in work lol), and recently she shared something with me about her that made me think it could be worth telling her and that she could be trusted.

I slipped a few not so subtle tests into conversation like "ugh (HP author who I shall not name directly) is all over my Twitter feed again" to see what her responses were going to be like. I also found out she has a non binary friend, so in the end I just decided to go for it.

After saying the words over WhatsApp, I was suddenly terrified of what I'd done. She is someone I work with, what if she decided to blab it around work? The culture is very pro LGBT there so my job wouldn't be at risk, but personally/socially? 

She seemed to take the news well, and we agreed to go for a drink after work about a few weeks later to properly catch up. We chatted a bit on WhatsApp during this time and it was almost like nothing had changed, although once or twice she had to reassure me everything was going to be fine. I was probably being a bit of a drama queen. :)

So we met up, had some drinks, and she had many questions and I opened up about everything. The real reason I moved away from home (THIS!), missed opportunities, the dysphoria, exploratory experiences. coming out to my partner, my recent night out, regrets, politics and society from our perspective, and so much more. I showed her a few photos and she said I looked so happy in them and "look at you with long hair!". :) 

All the things I'd prepared in my head probably came out as a rambling mess but it was done. She was so lovely, calm, and even offered if there's anything she could do to help. Our WhatsApp chats have now changed, we talk about outfits and she offers advice, and has decided that she's going to help me look foxy, whatever that means. :)

About a month later, she came over to my house and met me properly for the first time. We drank a bottle of gin between us and just chatted all day and night. I can't remember her exact words but I think at one point she said she prefers me like this, so there we go. :) I think I have a true friend in her.

Second Night Out

At the end of October I went to the legendary Tribe of Frog again with my friend Fran. I was much happier with my outfit and makeup this time, going for a more dramatic eyeliner and lip colour, and had a really good time.

We started with a quick drink at The Social which is a bar up the road. Like last time, the bar staff were really nice and one of them even came over for a little chat, asking why Fran was drinking Ale with a straw ("so it doesn't ruin my lipstick", "ah, we wondered if it would get you drunk quicker"). These friendly interactions made me feel so welcome.

Then we made our way over to The Lakota for our night out, and same as before, we had a brilliant night. The staff were all nice and respectful, our chats and interactions with other ravers was always friendly and respectful and fun. It all just felt normal and right, which is exactly what I wanted. And the music was banging. :)

I never thought I would get to go the kind of nightclubs and raves I like to go to like this. I still can't quite believe I get to do this now.

I had been feeling a bit dysphoric during the weeks leading up to this and I had a few pangs while I was there. On the odd occasion I couldn't help but compare myself and feel maybe a little inadequate against the cis women around me, when that hit me I suppose I felt quite self conscious. Envious maybe. It didn't ruin my night or anything but it definitely bothered me a bit.

We drank a lot and danced our little feet off, before finally leaving when it kicked out at 7am for our weary walk back to the hotel. And we now need to plan our next adventure. I recently found out Fold in London is an LGBT friendly Techno venue, so that might be our next destination.

My Partners Acceptance

Since coming out to my partner, apart from the rocky start she has always been accepting of my gender identity but over the last say 8 years it slowly became the elephant in the room for various reasons. Eventually this led to conversations getting shut down, she was happy for me to do things but didn't want to see or know about it, and eventually it became easier if not better that I just didn't mention it at all and did things without telling her.

While my night out earlier in the year had started to reverse some of this, I was still finding it difficult to open up with her. Coming out to my friend was a very spur of the moment, impulsive decisions, and against the backdrop of the above, I didn't tell my partner.

So after doing the deed, I had to tell her and she was not happy at all. We had a big chat and I tried to calm her fears, like no I wasn't planning on coming out to everyone, this was most likely a one off. It was a difficult conversation.

Over time though, our relationship seems to be changing in a positive way that I think this was the catalyst of. She's been making more of an effort to open up, to talk about this side of me, to want to offer advice and get involved. Over the months it's been awkward for me, it's taken time to get over the secretive habits I'd fallen into and worrying about what she would think about me and the choices I make with what I wear and do. But we have been working on this. She'd even suggested me dressing up around the house but I wasn't sure she was really ready for that.

As I was preparing for my night out she seemed to be showing genuine interest in what I was going to wear and do. In the week leading up to it I wanted to buy a dress in a different colour as well as a few other little bits, and she came with me. Shopping with her was something new, and she made it seem like it was the most normal thing. 

Then, last weekend I decided while my waxing was still relatively fresh, and while I was still full of confidence from my night out, and our recent conversations and shopping trip, to have a 'me' day at home. I put on a very casual outfit and light (probably too light) make up, and we spent the evening just watching TV like any other normal night in.

Over the night she was complimentary about my appearance, said I looked nice, held my hand for a bit and said she loved me. It feels like we've leapt over a huge hurdle here. God knows what really goes through her head but huge progress has been made and I'm very happy about that. Although I do worry that she'll suddenly snap back so I suppose I'm still a little cautious.

But overall, we're communicating more and the shame/embarrassment is getting less each time, and she seems to be much more accepting now. This has almost come out of nowhere and it's a welcome change.

So after maybe 7-8 years of slipping backwards, I've been on two nights out, have an amazing friend who now knows, and my partner seems to have really changed her view on this. It really has been an eventful year.

I update this blog a few times a year to share my personal thoughts and experiences that mostly I don't share anywhere else, but this time it feels maybe self indulgent? I don't know. Blogs seems to be a dying form these days. Does anyone benefit from reading stuff like this? My stats show I get quite a few hits I guess but I don't know why. 

Anyways, the world is a hostile place right now and I hope you are staying as safe as you can wherever you are. Take care and love to you all.

Chloe x