What to Wear

The hotel is now paid, so im totally committed to going. Scary but so exciting! :)

In preperation of the upcoming London trip I have been trying to buy some new clothes. I wanted to try and blend in/not stand out as much as possible in the daytime wearing trousers and a top with a zip up hoodie I have bought, and then maybe wear a dress for the evenings with some flats.

I tried on some outfits today and unfortunately when I wear trousers my figure just looks too boyish. Ive never really wanted to get hip pads before now but seeing myself look like this has certainly made me reconsider. Im already using prosthetics on my chest, so why not on my hips as well? I know im never going to be convincing but its just too much. I have bought a casual skirt that I really like that I was going to wear as a backup with some leggings, but it just sticks to the leggings and I dont really fancy going bare legged. I havent tried it with tights but I guess the result will be just the same.

I was on the lookout for some smart, going out flats I could wear out since I know ill probably chicken out of wearing heels in the night time (although I will take them anyway, just in case) but had no luck finding any. I also want to get some new makeup as well, although im not sure what to buy. Any recommendations?

I also bought some new boobs from the breastform store, their gold seal forms. I have to say, they are a massive step up from the bosom friends forms I have been using for the past few years. The shape is so much better on the chest, and I like the feel of them. The only thing is they slightly stick out at the top where the seam is, and this can sometimes be seen through my tops if im not paying attention. They are meant to be attached to my chest, ill have to see about maybe just sticking the top of them down.

So back to London... there are a few things im looking to possibly do but im not sure the best places to go.

• Im looking to get a new wig
• Im looking to get my nails done, possibly a manicure
• Im looking to possibly get my makeup done one night

Does anyone have experience of doing these things in the capital? Where is good to go to?

A Girls Weekend Away - London

Ive been slowly planning a weekend in London with a few online t girl friends and today I put the money down and paid for my train tickets. Its official, on Friday the 2nd May im going.

Let the stress begin! :)

There are so many things to plan, confirm and worry about on the lead up to it and ive got so little time off work between now and then I dont know where or how to start.

We will be there from early Friday afternoon and then be coming back on Sunday. First and most importantly, I have to decide what im going to wear! Should I wear heels on the nights out? What can I wear so I look feminine enough without standing out too much, especially in the daytime? What makeup will look ok? Will my walk be feminine enough? (unlikely)

Then there are the activities. What shall we actually do? What shall we go and see? Where shall we eat? Where shall we drink? And where can we go to the loo? :)

Then there are also the preparations as well. Shall I get a full body wax because of the reaction I have to shaving? Shall I get my nails done professionally? (Ive always wanted a manicure) What clothes do I need to make me look like I blend in?

So many things to worry about, so little time. If anyone has any suggestions or ideas I would love to hear them!

Finding Middle Ground

Today I have not long had my fourth counselling session at my GPs office, and im not really sure where its going to be honest. This is nothing to do with the counsellor, but more to do with me.

We are talking about things that have been at the forefront of my mind over the past few years now. Things that I have already thought about, considered, weighed up, and figured out. She has certainly helped to clarify a few things, but the end result is still the same. The thing is, the two sides of me are at an impasse. I want what I cant have, and have a great difficulty dealing with the result. And there isnt really anything she can say that will help me with this.

Transition is out of the question. Its not something that I feel is right for me at this moment. Dealing with the GD some days is pretty hard going, but the way I feel and the way I think generally makes me believe that its not something I need to put myself through. So, I need to find the ever elusive middle ground. I need to give my female side enough space to breathe, in order to keep my male side sane. Easy peasy......

I think if I was physically androgynous so it would be easier to flit from one gender to the other, id be really happy with that. Of course im not that lucky so I have to deal with the task of trimming back the man which is such a laborious task that its not something I want to endure just for half a day sat around the house, and I rarely get the opportunity to get out these days. I see this as a self defeating circle: need to dress up > too much effort required > become miserable > dont want to dress anymore > need to dress up... If I had a reason to dress up it would give me a reason to go to all the effort.

I could just hide a lot of it under clothes, but I just dont have enough of a wardrobe that does this effectively while still looking good. Plus, this always feels like an all or nothing thing for me, I dont think it will be enough. I will still be conscious of it all hiding there. So, an excuse to shop then!

I need some solid actions to take away from this. Im fully aware ive been all talk and no action for quite a while, my mood has held me back for quite a while but things arent going to improve unless I actually get off my arse. Im not going to put anything here for now, im going to have a long think about what I can do to enable me to find this middle ground. What I need to do to become comfortable between genders.