Well, this has been an introspective month, I think I may have started a mini-mid-life-crisis.
I have a couple of drafts saved on here that ive typed up over the last month, that I decided against posting because they were incredibly negative. Ive been reflecting a lot on the direction my life is taking and how unhappy I am about it. How I have no actual career prospects, how I have isolated myself from friends over the years, the missed opportunities, how I am still trying to balance my trans life, and how even after all this I just have no motivation and find it really difficult to see a way out. At one stage I felt a little overwhelmed, but im now trying to stay positive about it all and concentrate on the things I actually have done this month.
My CV is out there now, I have started applying but know I could apply for more. Its just difficult to motivate myself around the antisocial hours I work. As for what im applying for, well, itll hardly be what I want in a career. Ill probably end up in another call centre job but for now I just want to get out of my current workplace. Ill worry about the career later.
As for my friends, well I dropped off the radar a few years ago when I was struggling with depression, and then I was devoting so much personal time to this trans thing that I never really reconnected with anyone. Recently though I have started to reach out to a few people again. It feels like its been so long though it feels a little awkward. Still, at least there is progress.
The trans-life balance... As much as it irritates me I rarely dress up at all, the effort I have to go through is just too much to maintain. Im still buying the odd item of clothing, and lately I have been looking for things that are casual and also cover up as much as possible. Hopefully this will help since it will take less effort to look the part. Ive also been re-evaluating my image, and have decided that if im never going to pass then I should at least try and embrace who I am a little more. I decided to stop wearing breastforms (although may get them out for special events) and just use chicken fillets for a little shape. Basically, I just want to be more authentic in my appearance to what I am, a part time girl, rather than a wannabe-woman.
I still need to make more trans-time though, and actually do something with it. I miss it.
I am sorry you are struggling. I wish there was an easy fix for these things but as I discovered there isn't, often it's just a case of getting up and doing it. It takes grit, determination and a focus wrought from the realisation that anything must be better than where I am. I like to think that your life is worth more than settling for anything - whether this is settling for the same old job or the statement that 'I can't pass'.
ReplyDeleteWhat's stopping you getting a better job .... Could you study, could you network, could you knock on doors?
On the T life .... I really think this takes more effort. The reality is that almost all of us never think we can pass .... but we try and try and try until we find a way that works for us. For part time ladies I appreciate it can be much harder but the need is just as important.
I know being positive and pushing forward is hard but whether it's work or T stuff doing something about it is important. You have one life, why spend it saying you can't do something and being unhappy ?
You are worth it !
I was struggling, I wouldnt say I am now. It was weird, it sounds dramatic but at one point I actually felt like I was isolated with no hope, that I had wasted my life, like I was having an early mid life crisis. But at the same time I have recently taken steps to pull myself out of it. I have been slowly and awkwardly reconnecting with friends. I have applied for a new job, one which is not permanent but is a well paid stepping stone away from the hell I am in right now. Yes I could study for something more permanent career-wise. Its something I keep telling myself to do but im not even sure what I want to study in really. IT is always something that has interested me I guess.
DeleteAnd I am working on getting trans-self out there a little more, its not easy because of where I work right now, but that will be changing.
I guess the point of the post (which I probably didnt explain well) was that I have been having these moments, but I have also started taking steps to pull myself out of it. Slowly but surely, I will get there.
Becca - Thank you so very much for commenting, I really appreciate it. :)