Its been a while since my last post although that isnt strictly true. Ive made two posts in this time, in October and December, but took them down about half an hour after posting because they werent the happiest posts, and they went against what I promised myself id do when it comes to this blog.
So I havent really dressed up since my last minute trip to London back in September. This isnt for not wanting too, I really have. Im feeling quite desperate to at this point but just cant get motivated. I havent been particularly happy the last few months and im not sure what I can do about it.
Im feeling under a lot of pressure from real life things, ive been doing a lot of thinking about my life up to this point and its just made me feel bad. There are things I miss and things I missed... I miss the friends and life I had before I moved away from home. I feel guilty for a lot of things to do with my girlfriend over the years, things ive said and done. I feel like ive missed so many opportunities and experiences that are now gone. I could have done so much better with my life and done more of the things I wanted to do if I was more focused. But I wasnt. This stinks a bit of a mid life crisis. Ha.
Of course, my trans side plays into this too. Its not easy. I wish it were all about clothes and makeup and girly fun
times. I wish I could just switch it off there and not worry about it
until the next time I get to dress up. But, its not that simple. Of
course it isnt. Everywhere I look im constantly reminded of the life I could have had if I
was focused in my earlier years. I want to compromise on this, and
theres a few things about my body that gets in the way of me being
potentially happy or happier about myself, but I cant change them
because of my girlfriend. This makes things very difficult for me.
Of course the resolution is obvious. Have yet another awkward conversation with my girlfriend, ive been putting it off for so long but I think I have to. I just cant stomach it right now.
Oh yeah, and im getting fat too! And its not like im rounding out either, that wouldnt be too bad. Instead my body is staying the same size but my belly now projects outwards. I actually have to have the button on my work trousers undone as its a bit too tight otherwise, so its just held up with the belt for now. Classy! It looks like my metabolism has finally started giving up so here I am trying a fad diet, the 5-2 diet. I started on 9 stone 9 pounds Saturday morning, I fasted that day and am fasting today. I have a tea in the morning and have nothing to eat till tea time when I just eat something small, apart from some fruit teas through the day. Its easier than I thought, its just like when I gave up smoking, a big part of the battle is fighting the routine when your body feels a certain way. Im going to have to look how I eat in work though before my next fast day on Saturday.
Im trying to look to the future, trying to stay positive. Ill hopefully be going on another trip to London in February sometime. At least theres a reason to push myself to have some me time again. Im really looking forward to it. Its a shame its taking 5 months since my last trip out to get back out there again.