Monday, 25 January 2016

Still Here, Getting Fat

Its been a while since my last post although that isnt strictly true. Ive made two posts in this time, in October and December, but took them down about half an hour after posting because they werent the happiest posts, and they went against what I promised myself id do when it comes to this blog.

So I havent really dressed up since my last minute trip to London back in September. This isnt for not wanting too, I really have. Im feeling quite desperate to at this point but just cant get motivated. I havent been particularly happy the last few months and im not sure what I can do about it.

Im feeling under a lot of pressure from real life things, ive been doing a lot of thinking about my life up to this point and its just made me feel bad. There are things I miss and things I missed... I miss the friends and life I had before I moved away from home. I feel guilty for a lot of things to do with my girlfriend over the years, things ive said and done. I feel like ive missed so many opportunities and experiences that are now gone. I could have done so much better with my life and done more of the things I wanted to do if I was more focused. But I wasnt. This stinks a bit of a mid life crisis. Ha.

Of course, my trans side plays into this too. Its not easy. I wish it were all about clothes and makeup and girly fun times. I wish I could just switch it off there and not worry about it until the next time I get to dress up. But, its not that simple. Of course it isnt. Everywhere I look im constantly reminded of the life I could have had if I was focused in my earlier years. I want to compromise on this, and theres a few things about my body that gets in the way of me being potentially happy or happier about myself, but I cant change them because of my girlfriend. This makes things very difficult for me.

Of course the resolution is obvious. Have yet another awkward conversation with my girlfriend, ive been putting it off for so long but I think I have to. I just cant stomach it right now.

Oh yeah, and im getting fat too! And its not like im rounding out either, that wouldnt be too bad. Instead my body is staying the same size but my belly now projects outwards. I actually have to have the button on my work trousers undone as its a bit too tight otherwise, so its just held up with the belt for now. Classy! It looks like my metabolism has finally started giving up so here I am trying a fad diet, the 5-2 diet. I started on 9 stone 9 pounds Saturday morning, I fasted that day and am fasting today. I have a tea in the morning and have nothing to eat till tea time when I just eat something small, apart from some fruit teas through the day. Its easier than I thought, its just like when I gave up smoking, a big part of the battle is fighting the routine when your body feels a certain way. Im going to have to look how I eat in work though before my next fast day on Saturday.

Im trying to look to the future, trying to stay positive. Ill hopefully be going on another trip to London in February sometime. At least theres a reason to push myself to have some me time again. Im really looking forward to it. Its a shame its taking 5 months since my last trip out to get back out there again.


  1. Good luck with the diet. There's a few folk at work who followed it, and for them, it really worked. I guess the tricky part is keeping the weight off long term.

    As to guilt and regrets. It's not to late to change things.

    1. The diet has worked a little, but I think I still need to tone down the amount im eating in the week since after the whole week had passed id only lost 1lb. I was expecting a bit more.

      Well, for the guilts and regrets it is too late to change some things. Not for all, but for the things that I can, im not sure I would be 'allowed'.

  2. I lost 3st on that diet. It really works.

    If you do get to London make sure to ask for advice.....would be a shame not to go to some nice places. Seemed like last time you missed some good options.....

    1. It does seem to work but I expected it to work quicker. Ill keep at it though.

      I will for sure. The last trip was a bit of a rush job, we didnt even get out till late at night, so we only had a specific place in mind to go. I might be headed to London again end of Feb to do the touristy Saturday daytime thing, so am definitely open to ideas. I hope your doing well Becca, not heard from you in ages, although thats probably my fault.