Sunday, 21 August 2016

Friendships Lost

When you are trying to find out about who you are and are also trying to reach and maintain a normality with this life we have, friends are an invaluable part of that process. Having someone there to talk to, to bounce ideas and thoughts off, and someone to confide in who is in a similar place to you is incredibly important. Otherwise your only sounding board is yourself, and if you are in a negative place this can only make things worse. Unfortunately it seems it can be incredibly difficult to maintain friendships as a part time girl, especially real life friends.

Its a frustratingly regular occurrence for friends I chat to online to suddenly disappear, with no warning, explanation or farewell. In some cases I can understand why I suppose, peoples circumstances can vary drastically and change suddenly. Something could have happened in their personal life, if they were trans in secret they could have been found out. Or it could even be that they just werent feeling driven to express their female side anymore and decided to try and be 100% masculine again. I have a few friends I suspect are in this holding pattern, and while I hope that their decision to disappear will help them get better, part of me also hopes they will return.

When these friends are people youve actually gone through the effort of meeting, it can be worse. When they are no longer an avatar or handful of photos, but a living, breathing person youve connected with face to face. I would hope this connection would drive people to stay in touch more, but still some people seem to just disappear. Part of the difficulty here is the majority of the people I chat to are not local, so if someone decides they want to disappear then thats it, they are gone completely.

There is a small local T friendly nightlife here, where I know people meet and have nights out dressed up, but I cant join in because its too local. Its quite frustrating knowing I could be connecting with people with relative ease and actually be able to be myself around them, but I cant in case I get outed. I try to make an effort with a few people who are local, but when I cant get involved in their social life in this way, it can feel difficult to keep it up. I try and arrange 'drab meets' on occasion where we meet for a drink after work and chat, but its just not the same. I have trans friends ive met, but never met as girls.

All of this is made all the more frustrating by the fact that I dont connect with people easily. I dont know if its me or them, but sometimes I find it so difficult to find a common ground with people because often you need more than trans issues to glue you together to someone, and my interests are far from normal. This means that when a friend that ive invested so much time and effort into suddenly disappears, it can be very disappointing.

There is one lost friend that gets to me more than anyone else though. Ive been chatting to this girl on and off now for years. I went on my first night out with her and also went on my first night out in London with her too, and ive told her things ive never told anyone else. But earlier this year she just stopped talking to me, and I dont know why. She hasnt disappeared, she is still registered on the contact site we use, and still logs in fairly regularly. Ive sent the occasional message since asking if she was ok or if I said something wrong, but ive had no reply from her. If I had done or said something wrong, then I would just like to know so I could apologise and if she still didnt want to speak to me, get some closure. But she says nothing.  I try to move on but I do miss her too.