Before I start this post I just want to say that I hope you all had a really nice Christmas this year and enjoyed yourself. Im not one for getting into the yuletide spirit to be honest but I got through it ok. I havent been able to dress up for weeks and it is unlikely I will be able to for some time yet, and this is irritating me a little now. Anyway, back to the post then.......
Something I have noticed recently is that I become hyper aware when my partner is subjected to Trans people through TV, on the street, through conversations and so on. I find it difficult to place the feeling, maybe a mixture of nervousness, shame, and paranoia I suppose.
For example we were at my partners parents over Christmas and we were watching Men In Black 3, and there is a scene where they are at an Andy Warhol party. During this scene there is a tiny section where they showed a Transvestite or Drag Queen on there and I couldnt help but suddenly feel on edge. I couldnt help but think about what she might think when she sees people like that, and then project that onto myself. To be honest I totally dread thinking about what goes through her mind when she sees me dressed, or thinks about it. I care greatly how she feels and want her to be happy and happy to be with me, but I cant help but think that I disappoint her in some way, or something. I might be totally off the mark but I doubt I will ever truly know.
On top of this I also get the feeling my wave is crashing again, ive started to feel a bit down about all this. Over the past few days ive just been finding myself sitting up late at night just mulling things over in my head. Im doing it now, im physically exhausted and my eyes are heavy but I dont feel like going to sleep. This has meant when ive had to get up for work in the morning on less than 5 hours sleep that ive been shattered throughout the day.
Amy,
ReplyDeleteYou say "but I cant help but think that I disappoint her in some way, or something. I might be totally off the mark but I doubt I will ever truly know."
Have you considered talking to her about this? She seems happy for you to be Amy with her, so why not be honest enough to simply ask her this? Or is it the fear that you might not like the answer?
Talking is the key. Not too much that it becomes excessive but reasonable, regular discussion about how the both of you feel about this. You may not like some of the answers but you may also be surprised at what is acceptable.
Lucy
Hey Lucy, its good to hear from you again, I hope you had a nice Christmas! To respond to your comment:
ReplyDeleteYes, I have considered bringing it up, the problem is I dont think I would believe her. A few months back I brought up my anxiousness about being dressed in front of her (in fact I was at the time), and she said it sounded like it bothered me more than it did her.
I already know that to me she will always show that she is accepting, but there is that nagging feeling that she could be hiding her true feelings. She could be putting on a brave face because she knows how much this means to me and the effects of trying to stop it.
Ah, I dont know. You are right of course talking to her is what I need to do, but I do worry I overload her with stuff about this.
Aimee x
Aimee,
DeleteI can't help but feel this is a doomed relationship when I read such stuff as this. You probably wont believe what she says and that she may be hiding her true feelings. Perhaps I have a different way of looking at things, but such thoughts are not indicative of a happy relationship.
Another point, and to quote: "A few months back I brought up my anxiousness about being dressed in front of her (in fact I was at the time), and she said it sounded like it bothered me more than it did her."
That's understandable, I think many of us have gone through this. Have you ever thought though about trusting what she says? Relationships are based upon trust and if you wont trust her, what's the point?
Thanks for your comments Lucy! :)
DeleteIts not that we are not in a happy relationship, we really really are. Its just that when she does things like compliment me on a dress im wearing or something like that I just find it too good to be true I suppose, and the cynic in me finds it hard to believe.
I do trust her, and I trust what she says, but some days I just seem to relapse with it I suppose.