Regret

I dont really have time to post properly since I have work first thing in the morning, but I just wanted to get a quick thing down for future pondering, brought on by a recent message from a friend.

Part of my conversation with my mum the other day was around regret, where we talked about the one and only thing she regrets in her life (which I wont be going into on here), of course the conversation turned to me and she asked if I have any. My answer was vague and along the lines of none really, and then I steered it towards the little intense things I used to get that were tied in with my depression last year. But of course, me having no regrets is a lie.

I do. I have massive regrets, lots of them, and lots of trans ones too. And one that has cropped up over the past few nights is regret about not doing anything about my trans-side when I started to become aware of it in my teens. Regret that I didnt go to my doctor and tell them of my desire to change gender, regret of all the things I could have done if I actually got of my bum and did something rather than be my usual lazy self. The things I could have experienced, what I could be doing now. It makes me really sad to think like this and every night over the past few days this thought process has repeated itself.

An Eventful Day

Today was the day where I finally got out of my rut and dressed up for the first time since mid July. For the de-fuzzing of body hair I decided to give Veet another go, although this time I did things a little differently. I trimmed all of my body hair back with some clippers first of all so it was relatively short, and then pasted the Veet on and stuck to the 4-6 minutes it recommends on the bottle and while the results werent perfect they were a lot better than the first (and only time) I used it. Not only that, but I didnt go over it with a razor this time (I hardly needed to) and I have no reaction at all. Last years problem must have been because I went over it again. It still misses a bit of stubble in places (most annoyingly on the chest and belly) but im pretty happy with the results, and will probably continue to use it in future.

So yes, today has been spent with me trying on all the clothes ive bought over the past few months, as well as a few new items too and for the most part im very happy with what ive bought. I spent quite a bit of time in front of the camera but the lighting was not the best, and I didnt realise this until I went to have a look at what I had taken. Ive uploaded a few to this post because I wanted to show my outfits. but im really not happy with the shadows in the background at all, or my Simpsons-esque face. Ah well, lesson learned, ill have to try something different next time.

I spent a lot of time on the phone with my mum this evening (which was made weird by the fact I was dressed up at the time). Now, I dont live anywhere near home so see the family rarely, but a few times a year we phone each other to keep in touch. I never really bother with aunties or cousins, or even my brother, but mum and dad do get the occasional call. Tonights 2 hour call was a little different, rather than the usual light hearted chit chat ant catching up, it got quite emotional. I wont go into detail but we talked a lot about me growing up, events that our family went through over the years, the worries she had at certain points, fear that I was distancing myself from her when I moved away, and so on. The part that struck out for me though was that she said that no matter what happened or how I turned out, she would still love me. She said a scenario that a friend gave her to test that was "what if he turned out to be a serial killer", her answer was "id visit him in prison". All I could think all the way through this was "tell her your trans, tell her now, this is it!", of course I didnt though. I really wish I did, I so badly want to tell her about this but I just cant find a good enough reason to justify the risk of doing so, plus I have to think how this would effect my gf too.

Right, either tomorrow or the day after I will be off to meet up with my gf at her parents for the annual Christmas visit. I hate Christmas, I hate everything about it but my gf and her family love it so I get dragged up there and have to put up with the festivities for a few days. Presents aside, im not going to be having fun at all.

For those of you that do enjoy it though, have a Happy Christmas and if I dont post before, have a Happy New Year too!