I dont really have time to post properly since I have work first thing in the morning, but I just wanted to get a quick thing down for future pondering, brought on by a recent message from a friend.
Part of my conversation with my mum the other day was around regret, where we talked about the one and only thing she regrets in her life (which I wont be going into on here), of course the conversation turned to me and she asked if I have any. My answer was vague and along the lines of none really, and then I steered it towards the little intense things I used to get that were tied in with my depression last year. But of course, me having no regrets is a lie.
I do. I have massive regrets, lots of them, and lots of trans ones too. And one that has cropped up over the past few nights is regret about not doing anything about my trans-side when I started to become aware of it in my teens. Regret that I didnt go to my doctor and tell them of my desire to change gender, regret of all the things I could have done if I actually got of my bum and did something rather than be my usual lazy self. The things I could have experienced, what I could be doing now. It makes me really sad to think like this and every night over the past few days this thought process has repeated itself.
I met a lady quite recently who is still in her twenties and has just completed her first year of RLE. She said to me that the reason she was transitioning was because that the GID, whilst not crippling now, would only get worse. She knew this from reading on the net - pages and pages of others life experience - a how to guide. I didn't have that information so I just buried myself - I lost myself in the here and now, never thinking that things would get harder. Yes I regret my apathy but I can't blame myself, l just didn't know. Could you, hand on heart really say you knew Aimee?
ReplyDeleteI remember having some really difficult moments when I was younger. I dont remember it being a constant issue, but I can remember strong feelings of needing to be female. I dont blame myself, as you say I just didnt know. Information was harder to come by back then and I acted on the limited knowledge I had. But, I knew it was serious enough to seriously consider going to my GP, the fact that it was our family GP scared me away from that idea. This is one of my biggest regrets, and the knock on effect of this has been a series of other trans-related regrets over the years.
DeleteI mean no disrespect, I mean nothing but kindness.
ReplyDeletePerhaps at the point where we acknowledge our biggest regrets is the time when we need to ensure that we don't reinforce the ones of old. Forgive me for posting this quote .....
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did so. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover
Dont be silly, I know you do Becca! :)
DeleteThat quote is something I am painfully aware of, and have been since I started this little journey. Regret made me realise that I wasnt happy with where my life was going and that things needed to change. It was a large part of the reason why I started dressing up 2 and a half years ago, why I came out to my gf, and why I went to counselling and my GP.
Its only really since I spoke to my mum just before xmas that ive started thinking like this again. Coincidentally it also ties in with the time I started dressing again too.
I still dont feel I have explored enough to know where I need to go, as much as I want to explore the seas im still anchored close to harbour. A few notable high points aside, the last 2 years have been pretty slow and this is something that needs to change. Now things have settled more in my personal and work life, I think I need to make 2014 the year I really push myself.
One of the reasons I transitioned when I did (started RLE when I was 28) was that I could see me getting married and having kids and I just didn't want to get to that point before I decided to transition. Now I'm happier than I've ever been! I've been full-time for 3.5 years and had GRS and I'm more confident and comfortable with my body! My regret is that I didn't do something sooner but I'm starting to realise that I transitioned when I was meant to. I'm writing my book and it's really getting things into perspective for me.
ReplyDeleteWe all have regrets but it's the here and now that counts. You are never too late to transition if that's what you really need to do, never too late to figure out who you are. Use your regrets to spur you on to a better future Amy!
Love Emma x x x
This is sound advice, thank you Emma. I suppose this is the problem, I dont think I want to transition since I cant make an informed decision if this is the right choice for me, but I regret not doing so, if this makes sense? I think ive lived enough of a life as a man now to know how to get by, and there are aspects I just dont want to change (my gf for example). The mental gymnastics aside, I can function the majority of the time, I just wish things had gone differently.
DeleteYou are right though, its never too late, and I need to use this to help motivate myself as ive done previously. I cant make an informed decision without making myself informed, sitting back isnt going to help at all.
Thanks Em! :)
Regret can be an old friend - a slightly bittersweet memory of what might have been. One tempered with the view of where you are now. Or, it can be a consuming beast that stops you from moving on; holding you in its clutches......
ReplyDeleteHmm. Maybe I've had too much from the cheeseboard last night. :-) Do what you need to do. There is always time to change things and have another go. I read the other day that it takes about seven years to 'get good' at something. So much for 'you only live once'. You've got a number of goes at it, if that's what you want.
Oh, happy new year, BTW. x
Well im certainly not stuck but id hardly call it an old friend either! :)
Delete7 years eh? Well, im 2 and a half in now and I still feel like I dont know what im doing! :)
Thanks Lynn, and a happy new year to you too! x