Ive been off for a week with absolutely no real life plans whatsoever, and im back in work on Saturday (boo!). In this time I could have done a lot of things, I could have even ticked a few new years resolutions off the list but I havent even bothered. What I have noticed is a change in my sleeping habits, not wanting to sleep at night and then having difficulty sleeping when I do eventually go to bed, and also sleeping in the day or at least feeling so lethargic I cant bring myself to do anything. I think this is just me still in my lazy pattern. When im back in work this will change, well, it will have to or im going to get tired out very quickly!
Yesterday I set myself the goal of dressing up today because my week off is nearly over and I wont get a chance to otherwise, and I did it. It took me a while to get motivated but I got around to it eventually and was fully dressed by about mid afternoon. I still have so many problems with eye makeup its getting quite annoying now (and I jabbed myself in the eye with mascara today, ouch!). Ive watched numerous YouTube tutorials and read so many resources but I just cant get it took look right at all. I dont know if its technique, rubbish brushes, the wrong colours, the makeup itself, something else or a combination of all of the above. I think I might spend some time just practicing around the eyes a few times a week, I just cant get eyeshadow to look like anything more than looking like ive been punched in the face.
Dressing up today didnt have its usual effect. I found myself doing my usual and just looking at and inspecting myself in the mirror for ages but I didnt feel happier, calmer or any of the usual effects. To be honest it just felt like I was going through the motions for the sake of it. I got my camera out and tried to take some photos since my last batch turned out terribly and again just arent happy with a lot of them. Shaky hands for most of the selfies, and when I was playing back the videos I just looked so awkward that I was only happy with few screenshots. The poor lighting didnt help the image quality of the video either. In the end I was only dressed for a few hours before my gf was on her way home from work and I decided to peel it all off before she got back.
I just dont get it, my T side plays on my mind almost constantly but I get a moment to dress (well ive had a week) and I just cant get into it. I know I cant force it but it just feels like im letting myself down.
So what else have I been thinking about this week... Boobs. Apart from the fact that I long to grow my own and regularly day dream about it, I have been shopping around for an upgrade of my breast forms to a pair of silicone forms but there is so much choice. At one stage I was seriously considering the RealBreast Cleavage forms but its a lot of money to pay for something im probably only going to use a few times a year. If I was a serious week in week out t-girl (I wish) then I might have considered it. Otherwise, im stuck and I dont know what to get. Im unsure on what shape to get between triangle and assymetrical, and im also unsure about what brand to get. Amolux? Breastform Store Gold Seal? Something else? They can be quite expensive and I dont want to pay that much money for something that could be poor quality. There just arent that many independent reviews (that I can find) to make an informed decision, its quite annoying.
Ive also been thinking about laser beard removal. Im not sure if my gfs permission to get it done back in 2012 still stands, I might have to double check but as long as she gives the go ahead I think I might go for it. Im fed up of my beard, even as a bloke it just makes me look like a tramp and im fed up of the state it leaves my face in after shaving.
Tomorrow im going to go into town to return some girl clothes that dont fit right, maybe buy some more girl clothes, maybe buy some new eye makeup, and probably buy a new camera too. My camera is quite old now and is getting quite irritating, especially when I want to take some selfies of myself all dressed up. If I take photos then so many have to be binned because of shaky hands, or if I try to record a video the quality drops dramtically and the pictures look a lot darker. The camera ive been looking at has really good image stabilisation, records video at 1080p 60fps, and even lets me control and take photos remotely via an app on a smartphone or tablet. So, in theory it should make taking photos massively easier. There are some downsides with the camera but I might just have to deal with them to be honest.