Ive been off for a week with absolutely no real life plans whatsoever, and im back in work on Saturday (boo!). In this time I could have done a lot of things, I could have even ticked a few new years resolutions off the list but I havent even bothered. What I have noticed is a change in my sleeping habits, not wanting to sleep at night and then having difficulty sleeping when I do eventually go to bed, and also sleeping in the day or at least feeling so lethargic I cant bring myself to do anything. I think this is just me still in my lazy pattern. When im back in work this will change, well, it will have to or im going to get tired out very quickly!Yesterday I set myself the goal of dressing up today because my week off is nearly over and I wont get a chance to otherwise, and I did it. It took me a while to get motivated but I got around to it eventually and was fully dressed by about mid afternoon. I still have so many problems with eye makeup its getting quite annoying now (and I jabbed myself in the eye with mascara today, ouch!). Ive watched numerous YouTube tutorials and read so many resources but I just cant get it took look right at all. I dont know if its technique, rubbish brushes, the wrong colours, the makeup itself, something else or a combination of all of the above. I think I might spend some time just practicing around the eyes a few times a week, I just cant get eyeshadow to look like anything more than looking like ive been punched in the face.
Dressing up today didnt have its usual effect. I found myself doing my usual and just looking at and inspecting myself in the mirror for ages but I didnt feel happier, calmer or any of the usual effects. To be honest it just felt like I was going through the motions for the sake of it. I got my camera out and tried to take some photos since my last batch turned out terribly and again just arent happy with a lot of them. Shaky hands for most of the selfies, and when I was playing back the videos I just looked so awkward that I was only happy with few screenshots. The poor lighting didnt help the image quality of the video either. In the end I was only dressed for a few hours before my gf was on her way home from work and I decided to peel it all off before she got back.
I just dont get it, my T side plays on my mind almost constantly but I get a moment to dress (well ive had a week) and I just cant get into it. I know I cant force it but it just feels like im letting myself down.
So what else have I been thinking about this week... Boobs. Apart from the fact that I long to grow my own and regularly day dream about it, I have been shopping around for an upgrade of my breast forms to a pair of silicone forms but there is so much choice. At one stage I was seriously considering the RealBreast Cleavage forms but its a lot of money to pay for something im probably only going to use a few times a year. If I was a serious week in week out t-girl (I wish) then I might have considered it. Otherwise, im stuck and I dont know what to get. Im unsure on what shape to get between triangle and assymetrical, and im also unsure about what brand to get. Amolux? Breastform Store Gold Seal? Something else? They can be quite expensive and I dont want to pay that much money for something that could be poor quality. There just arent that many independent reviews (that I can find) to make an informed decision, its quite annoying.
Ive also been thinking about laser beard removal. Im not sure if my gfs permission to get it done back in 2012 still stands, I might have to double check but as long as she gives the go ahead I think I might go for it. Im fed up of my beard, even as a bloke it just makes me look like a tramp and im fed up of the state it leaves my face in after shaving.
Tomorrow im going to go into town to return some girl clothes that dont fit right, maybe buy some more girl clothes, maybe buy some new eye makeup, and probably buy a new camera too. My camera is quite old now and is getting quite irritating, especially when I want to take some selfies of myself all dressed up. If I take photos then so many have to be binned because of shaky hands, or if I try to record a video the quality drops dramtically and the pictures look a lot darker. The camera ive been looking at has really good image stabilisation, records video at 1080p 60fps, and even lets me control and take photos remotely via an app on a smartphone or tablet. So, in theory it should make taking photos massively easier. There are some downsides with the camera but I might just have to deal with them to be honest.
It's tricky isn't it, the whole T thing. Sometimes you want to dress and then when the time arrives, you're not 100% in the mood. We're a mess aren't we? ;-)
ReplyDeleteLovely photo of you BTW and cute top!
Haha speak for yourself... :) It is quite annoying, im hoping its just a one off and the next time might be more meaningful.
DeleteAw thanks Lynn! :)
Yes I likes that top - I love blue tops and white spots.
ReplyDeleteDon't want to be harsh here and I mean no disrespect here but being a Princess in your own home becomes quite dull, quite quickly. Its dressing for the sake of it and I found it fun to start but it became almost upsetting after a period. Mrs B used to urge me to dress to alleviate the sadness but I often refused - there seemed little point. It took me a flipping long time before I really got confident enough to start going out, something which really made the difference in the end. What I did do though was little things to move forward, one of which was the beard removal - a positive step forward and ultimately one that's made such a difference. Ok you might not want to end up full time but even partial dressing is a zillion times easier with no beard shadow - not least in make up as you need so much less. You might find that the desire is for less eye make up as well, I always wear some but not much as I now go for a quick fresh faced look.
I know this isn't easy but taking the first step will make a big difference ..... and anyway, who wants to look like a tramp? ......
You don't by the way ..... you look flipping good !
Aw thank you! :) The top is one of my faves and I keep going back to it. Its a tunic top and looks really nice with some black leggings... anyway...
DeleteHaha, but I like being a princess! I know what you mean though and I suspect that may be the case. However, im still not confident in my image and how I carry myself, and I need to practice to build this up. I dont want to look like a 'bad-tranny'. But it feels weird doing this when not dressed up.
On the beard shadow, I do want to go for it. The prospect of spending such a large sum of money on something that is only semi permanent (damn testosterone) is a bit of pain though, especially since there are no guarantees how long the results will last. I think ive found a good place to do it locally though.
Thanks for the compliment too! :)
Until you try you don't really know but the reality for many people is that laser works. Yes some always grows back after a few weeks but much doesn't. I have almost totally cleared my stubble from laser alone. Yes it's taken time and money but for the clearance you get in think it's better than electrolysis - certainly at the start anyway
DeleteAm I allowed to post this ? Hmmmmm .... I will anyway !
ReplyDeleteMrs B says you look good as well .... a good locking woman and probably good looking in male mode as well......
Awww, this made me smile! Thank you very much Mrs B! :)
DeleteMay I also say you look good to me?!
ReplyDeleteOn the subject of getting a new camera, it's worth buying a tripod too. No need for anything massively expensive, but you can fairly easily set up well-framed photos with no camera shake and if your camera has a self-timer it's easy to press the shutter release and nip round to compose yourself before the picture is taken.
Thank you Penny! :)
DeleteA tripod has been bought and has made a massive difference. As well as a camera that I can control from my iPad so I can see what the shot will look like before I take it! :)
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ReplyDeleteWedding Dresses