Sunday, 30 March 2014

Cant Escape

Today has not been a fun day at all. Im off work this weekend, and today me and my gf planned to go into town to grab some food and hit a few shops. I wasnt too bad when I first got up but this changed in the shower.

I always wear clothes that cover my body. Long arm t-shirts and trousers, and at night long arm pyjama tops and bottoms as well. When I get changed I never inspect my body in the mirror, its a quick change to cover it back up. Obviously when I have to shower its more difficult to do this. If I have to be somewhere (like work) then its not too bad because I just quickly get it over with because I have to be somewhere. When I have a bit of time to properly shower though (like today) I find myself just standing in the shower with my head leaning forward against the door almost in a daze, just looking down at my body while studying the hair, the spots (that I got from shaving) and the pot belly, and hating all of it. Im stuck with this, im really stuck with it and I hate it. And im getting older and its growing more and more. My body is deteriorating and the testosterone is causing more changes in the wrong direction.

Suffice to say by the time I got out of the shower my mood had dropped considerably and this had a knock on effect today.

Ive decided I hate shopping with my gf as well. One thing I thought might get better when I came out to my gf would be going shopping. Being able to take interest in what she buys as well as being able to pick up some things myself. As ive found though, it hasnt worked like that and I just seem to get more frustrated every time I go out with her. She doesnt mind me shopping for 'girl things' with her, and she actively mentions it during shopping, but I have some issues.

It feels like torture sometimes being dragged around clothes shops. In the mens shops I just dont feel like I 'fit in' at all. In the ladies shops. I still feel like a bloke getting dragged around the shop, and not a participant. I cant look like im totally engaged shopping for myself, I still have to hang around outside the changing room bored out of my mind while she is trying things on, and I have a real problem picking things out while she is there because she just tends to shoot them down, and this has had a knock on effect on my confidence. I have no problem shopping for myself, by myself but I find it really difficult when she is around. I just get really really frustrated and annoyed.

Usually I can put up with the shopping and sometimes I can enjoy it, but after the low start this morning ive just been completely miserable today. To the point where we ended up leaving town early and coming home because I was in such a mood. Im still feeling crap now.

I dont know, lately I think ive been feeling lower than usual. Im so unhappy with everything at the moment and I just cant find enjoyment in life at all.


  1. Not sure it helps in anyway but I know how you feel and I could have written this post, almost word for word, a few years ago. Even the shooting down bit rings true. To be honest I would spare yourself the heartache and just dip in and dip out - you can have way too much of shopping with a supportive gf. It's neither fair on her or you.

    If the hair on your body is getting you down so much why suffer ? Why not do something about it - something positive for you ?

    1. I think the shopping was kind of unfortunate. I think the shower incident put my head in such a low place that it just put me in a bad place for the rest of the day, and I just got agitated too easily. Dont get me wrong it is frustrating sometimes, but the mornings events just made things worse.

      As for the hair situation, well I cant just keep continuing to remove it since my gf doesnt like me smooth, but lets me if im going out somewhere or something as a compromise. But its only a small part of the bigger picture, a small reminder of what is stacked against me.

      I really get envious of girls, and think about it far more than is healthy. I need it so badly sometimes. At the same time, I feel 'fake' as a girl too. My head is too 'instituionalised' as a male I think to truly put myself in that mindset, and that frustrates me too. I think if I could live and present androgynously id be happy with that, but I lack the figure and features required to do this successfully.

      Ah I dont know, I think im rambling here.

  2. Sorry to hear (read?) that things have not been good. I can't say much, other than hang on in there. Sometimes, there are bad days when the Things We Do Not Like seem to stack against us. On a good day, maybe we shrug and move on, but that's not always easy.

    I guess it's tempting to try and avoid such situations, but that's not easily done when you're a couple. It's tough, but can you hold it all in and think of the times when you will be able to indulge? Not so much wishing for the future, but knowing that your chance will come again and the pain, if you want to call it that, is only temporary.

    Good luck <3

    1. I know I cant really avoid situations like this, nor would I want to. I think I was just having a bad day. The mental episode in the shower just put me in a bad place, and the shopping I could have done without. If I hadnt had the issue in the morning, I could have probably dealt with the shopping better. Ive been better this week though.

      The thing is I dont think the issue lately has been the fact I havent indulged in a little while (but will be on Tuesday or Wednesday, I need it), but more around my general unhappiness with my self perceived gender. The things that stack against me feels like its mostly caused by testosterone.

      You know, I read these words back and think about what it implies about where I want to go gender wise, and while it reads like that its not necessarily the case. I get so confused about this.

    2. It's funny, that sometimes, a Bad Event can kick you down that ever lowering spiral. What would normally be No Be Thing, is suddenly the whiff of brimstone and damnation. Still, keep fighting. Hopefully things will get better! <3

  3. Hope you feel more uplifted soon. I think it's just something that you'll work through and find a way that is a good balance for you.

    1. Thanks Hannah! Ive been better this week, while work is often difficult, it is a welcome distraction from the troubles in my head! :)