2 years.
2 years ive been dipping in and out of this blog, recording the very few highs and very many lows of trying to figure out how I can make myself more comfortable on my journey between genders. Since the first retrospective I think there has been progress and I have come to a few realisations, however it feels like every time I eventually manage to move forward, it raises more and more questions.
In July last year I went on my first weekend away to spend entirely dressed up, daytime and night time! I went to Sparkle in Manchester and while I didnt particularly get on with the entertainment or things to do, it was a good introduction to being out and about in public, but in the relative safety of the gay quarter.
Following this was a period of inner turmoil. I was struggling with trying to cope with my gender issues, and in turn this caused my dysphoria and depression to kick back in in a big way. This was different than my last bout of depression, it was a lot more emotional. I eventually had to tell my GP about my trans side, and was prescribed anti depressants to help cope while I was referred to counselling. After a while I had to come off the anti depressants, not because I was better, but because I was not reacting well to them.
My low mood meant for the rest of the year I was finding it difficult to motivate myself to express my female side, since fighting the 'maleness' felt more and more difficult everytime I needed to trim it back, to the point it felt almost futile. I was struggling to find a balance where I was happy with my appearance in either form, and this became a vicious circle.
As we entered 2014, this slowly started to calm down a bit. I finally started counselling over 7 months after referral although by this point I dont think I needed it. I still havent dressed up much this year though, mostly as it feels like a waste to dress up just to sit around the house.
This month I also finally managed to go on my first weekend dressed up in the general public, I went to London and spent a night out in Soho, and a day out wandering through Covent Garden towards the Thames. This was a totally different experience of Sparkle, without being in the relative safety of the gay quarter it was fairly uncomfortable after a while.
To summarise, mentally this past year has been a bit of a rollercoaster for me but it has slowly evened out over this year so far. Experience-wise I have done a couple of quite big things over the past 12 month which I have wanted to do for years. Im really happy I managed to push myself out there to do them, but I dont think I would do them again. So, I am left left thinking "what now?".
Looking Forward
Im still trying to process London so to be honest im not sure where to go from here. While im confident and happy with myself (largely) as a female, im not the kind of person that is happy to put up with the scrutiny I felt I was under when mixing in with 'normal' people. In some ways, this is what I wanted. I wanted to build myself up to be able to go anywhere and do anything dressed up and for it to be and feel normal, but the reactions of the people around me made me feel anything but normal.
So, what now? I dont know. I really dont know.
Sometimes I just think what is the point? What I want is to be seen and accepted as female but that just seems completely unattainable. What is the point of going through the hassle of being trans if I cant achieve the thing im striving to? Most of the time though I try to look at things more realistically, I know my limitations and can work around and accept that I have to deal with them, but this doesnt help when it comes to other people and how they choose to deal with the man in a dress stood in front of them. If im not getting the social feedback from the people around me that correlates to the gender I present as, it makes it more difficult to keep it going mentally.
I dont want to have to limit myself to trans friendly places or private meets, but I think I am out of options.
Aimee, just so you know, your blog has been quite helpful for me.
ReplyDeleteI stumbled upon it very early in my questioning process, only a couple months after my initial lightbulb moment of "holy shit I'm transgender!". I can't remember how I got here— in those days I was reading everything I could, jumping from link to link through the transy part of the internet— but I remember it resonated with me.
There were a lot of blogs wriitten by strictly-a-crossdresser types (as in, the sort who like to girl it up on a Friday but are happy to be a man the rest of the week), which I was pretty sure wasn't me; and there were a lot written by medical transitioners, which I sincerely hoped wasn't me. But yours, it seemed, was written by someone who was seriously questioning her gender identity (as I was mine), and at times really struggling with it. I actually read through what was then the whole thing in the span of a few days, and it helped me understand myself.
A week or so later I started my own blog, and the fact that you began commenting on it right away helped motivate me to keep going.
So yeah... just wanted to say thanks for writing this thing these past two years, and I hope you continue to do so! :)
Awww, thanks Ashley! Youve genuinely made me smile with this comment! :)
DeleteIm sure this blog will keep going for years yet, ive been too busy lately but im still trying to find that ever elusive middle ground so im sure ill have a reason to post again soon! I just dont want to keep going over the same trivial stuff time and time again. I come across miserable on here as it is! :)
Im really glad it was helpful to you though. Youve come so far since you started your blog, I dont comment as much as I would like (or should) but I read every single post, and you have hit some milestones I could only dream of hitting. Its only been about a year now and youve done so much! :)
Oh, and good luck with the new roommate!