Sunday, 7 May 2017

Struggling

Im struggling at the moment. I feel like I need to vent, but this is the only place I feel like I can do it openly.

The GD is just kicking me really hard at the moment, really fucking hard, and it has been for weeks now if not longer. I hate it so much. It just feels like everything triggers it now, and I cant get away from it. I dont have an outlet for it that works, I dont know what I can do to calm it down. And the brave face ive been putting on cracks sometimes and I say things out loud that I dont mean to when im reacting to it.

When I get those moments where my mind is taken off it, its like it doesnt even exist. But I seem to be on a hair trigger with it now, and those clear moments dont last long before something triggers it and im back feeling miserable about it.

I want rid of this feeling. Im fed up of carrying on like this.

7 comments:

  1. Hi,

    Sorry to hear things are tough for you right now. It's really pants when dysphonia bites hard. Have you thought about seeing someone about it? Not a transition thing, but just someone to talk to?

    It can be really tough to keep it all inside and have no one to talk to. Sometimes, I wonder if GD makes us feel more alone than we really are.

    Hope things improve.
    L x

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    1. Hey Lynn,

      The thought had crossed my mind. To be honest though having been through the process before im not sure what new ideas seeing another counselor could bring to the table. There isnt really anything I can realistically change about my situation that I think would make things better.

      Thank you for commenting though. x

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    2. Hi,

      There are other folk besides counselors. Support groups, nosy bloggers (knowing look to camera), close friends, etc.

      If you feel the need for a chat, albeit via email, there's a contact form on my blog.

      Look after yourself.
      L x

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  2. I'm with you, girl. Been there, done that.

    Lynn has a really good point. Having someone to talk to can really make a difference. When I say "talk to", I mean in person, sitting across from you over coffee or whatever. If there's a trans group in your area, consider contacting them.

    It has hit hard for me also. We just had a girl transition at work. I didn't even know she was trans. He left work and came back 30 days later as her....and she is gorgeous. She doesn't know about me and I didn't know about her, until now. This one is tough for me to deal with.

    Anyway, you're not alone. Hang in there. The GD ebbs and flows.

    Calie xx

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    1. Hey Calie,

      Yes im aware of the benefits of being able to meet with someone face to face. There is someone local im trying to get together with but cant till next week. Im hoping some open and grounded conversation can help.

      I can imagine that is awful. I know there are a few blogs where people have started or are in the process that I follow, and sometimes I wonder why because it just makes me feel pretty bad. Lost maybe.

      Thanks Calie. x

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  3. Hi Calie and Lynn are both right. You need to vent and maybe confide in someone about your GD (whether a friend or therapist) and also try and work on a formula that helps abate the feelings a bit. I am also living part time and have been for quite a while so I know how frustrating that can sometimes be. Maybe reflect on what you can and cannot do and if transition is an ultimate goal then aim towards it with a slow and deliberate approach. There is always a way to handle this as difficult as it can seem during the dark periods.

    Hang tight!

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    1. Hi Joanna,

      Transition is not a goal although ive wanted/considered it before. Trying to find a good balance is what ive been trying to do but its just simply not working. That magic formula evades me. Im trying to arrange to catch up with a friend but its going to be a while.

      Thank you for commenting, I really appreciate it. x

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