Monday, 10 July 2017

I'm Not Myself

I've been calling myself Genderfluid for just over a year now, at the time it seemed to describe the ever changing nature of how I felt about myself and my gender. However, i've recently come to the realisation that while how I feel about my gender changes on a regular basis, I don't think Genderfluid is the right way to describe it.

I've come to realise it's not necessarily that I feel more male some days and more female others, it's more like it's how much I don't like my current gender that changes from day to day. It's how bad I feel about myself that is 'fluid', and I don't really think that is what Genderfluid is meant to mean.

My internal monologue is always tuned to trans. As soon i'm not having to do anything or concentrate on anything, i'm thinking about the life I could be living if I was female. And even if I am busy doing something, it tries to muscle its way in and distract me as much as possible. As well as this I also can't get away from triggers that make me feel negatively about my gender, mainly women who are looking, behaving, doing things, living their lives in a way that I could picture myself if I was a woman. And these women are everywhere, there is no escape.

I don't see myself as a woman, don't feel like a woman, yet I aspire to be one. Being a male is also depressing, but this is how I see myself. 

Where does this leave me?

I thought I had reached a point where I was getting to be happy with being somewhere in the middle, but the way i've been feeling these last few months, that's clearly not the case.

Sigh.

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.

6 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear that you're struggling. It's not a good place to be all at. :-(

    If it's any help, I'll share this with you. When I had depression, my dysphoria seemed to really kick off. It dominated my thoughts and pushed me in directions I now know weren't for me. Now, I'm not saying you are depressed. What I am saying is sometimes what we think is the cause, may actually be a result of something else. I could, of course, be completely wrong. It's not unusual, as a more tuneful Mr Jones once sang :-)

    All I can say is, good luck and take care of yourself. L x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Lynn.

      Im aware that the two (GD and depression) can be intertwined and can be confused. I cant really think of anything else going on to make me depressed at the moment. Its just this.

      Delete
  2. I wish there were the words. Thinking of you

    ReplyDelete
  3. I feel you, hon. I have had the same thoughts, same doubts, same feelings. Am I really genderqueer, or is just that the circumstances of life forced me to accept myself that way?

    I have no answers for either of us, but know that you are not alone. :)

    ReplyDelete