Bicker

Hey lovelies

I hope you're all well and life isn't getting too difficult for you right now, wherever you are. It feels like it doesn't matter where you are in the world there is something awful going on, even in supposed democracies. 

War, rising fascism, government corruption, a corrupt and ineffective media, rights and public services being eroded, the cost of living, severe climate change effects... The UK and large parts of the world are in an awful place right now. And every day there's something new to get angry about too.

 Anyway, I want to talk about me for a bit, sorry. :)

I feel like since coming out of Covid lock-down, it's been quite difficult to get back into a routine of leaving the house and being social. I was pretty bad at this already but somehow I'm now even worse.

This is also making it difficult to get some 'me' time too, as we work from home and there's no privacy in our half completed house. Apart from a couple of exceptions, we've basically been around each other 24/7 for over two years and while we must get on really well to have gotten this far without too many arguments, to be honest it's getting to me a bit. 

I started typing this last week and I was going to write a bit about how tough it's been barely having any 'me' time, but due to a last minute change of plans I did actually get an afternoon and evening free yesterday to doll up and let 'me' out for a bit, and it was so nice. A little lonely maybe because once again I was home alone, but it was still nice.

I still find it so hard though, balancing my girl/boy lives. All day my mind is like a never ending swirl of what ifs and regrets and hating my body and hating me... I crave validation, I need to be seen and acknowledged and accepted, but the older I get the harder it becomes to see 'me' in the mirror. I don't think my age is helping, I'm dealing with other regrets about my half-lived life too that are not gender related, but this is still at the forefront of it all.

It just doesn't get any easier does it.

For this next bit, I'm going to avoid using the site name and specific terminology used, to try and keep this post a little under the radar.

I recently registered for a certain social media site which should have been called Bicker, and it's a very intense experience as a Trans person for many reasons. Maybe I haven't found the right people to follow but rather than a community of Trans people being able to share experiences, instead the vitriol and hatred from certain people and groups seems to be aggressive and constant.

I'm aware that what I see is not a true reflection of how Trans people are perceived generally, it's amplified and from a very small number of people, but I still can't help but be affected by what's happening. They claim to be an underdog fighting for women's rights, but they are happy for those same rights to be taken away in their fight to undermine us. They have so much money, power and influence, and somehow get away with playing the victim... and they seem to be getting away with it unchecked by completely ineffective journalists. The way this country is going, these people may be able to influence legislation against us in the future and that's a scary thought.

If I think back 10 years ago or even less, the UK wasn't like this and I just can't believe what's happening. It seems to be a horrible, awful time to be Trans or gender non-conforming. And I can't help but feel guilty that Trans people like me, who haven't transitioned but still feels a need to express her authentic feminine self, are being weaponised against those who have transitioned. 

I'm sorry.

I feel like I need to contribute to the fight in some way online or at a protest or something, but it's difficult without making myself a specific target and then there's a strong chance I could be doxxed.

There do seem to be people out there who take pleasure in seeking out and outing Trans people, and it's certainly made me think about what I share online. I always thought I was fairly cautious anyway, only posting photos on places that they are unlikely to be seen, but seeing how these people seem to be able doxx someone with so little info, it's really made me think again. 

This is why even though I took some photos yesterday, I won't be adding any to this post and at some point soon I will probably remove all the photos from my previous posts too. At the most, i'll probably stick to toon-filtered photos from now on, which is a real shame to be honest.

I wish I had more positive things to say but the world is a bleak, unsafe place right now. Please be careful and stay safe.

Chloe x
p.s. Oh I changed my name again. Last time this time, I promise. :)