Ive been meaning to make some more posts on this over the past week or so but ive been really busy trying to get my head back into work mode. Ive been back in work for the past few weeks now, although I am on reduced hours for the time being. Its been an interesting experience so far, it certainly looks calmer but then the busiest time of year is yet to come. My main difficulty at the moment is after being my own person for the past 5 months the days really drag out but its a means to an end. I need the money now, so will have to stick it out for the time being.
Being back in work has meant ive started people watching again, specifically watching the ladies of which there are many. Now this isnt in a pervy lecherous way (although im sure to the outside bystander it could probably look like that), its in an appreciative manner but coming from a man its not going to be seen like that. I cant help myself, I wonder where they got their tops from or admire their fashion sense, or sometimes I put myself in their shoes and wonder what it is like to be them, and then the envy/jealousy hits. It sounds pretty sad I suppose but I cant help it. Its not as bad as it was before I went on sick but I can imagine its going to build back up pretty quick.
Another thing is im struggling at the moment with making myself look satisfactory. I know im never going to pass and ive accepted that, but there are certain decidedly masculine traits that I suffer with more than some that is really beginning to get to me. The main ones are my body hair that even when shaved is still visible, my skin texture and my beard shadow still causes me problems. The problem this is causing me is that it doesnt feel right dressing part way, its all or nothing. And after all the effort I go to to try and make this work, it still doesnt. Its disheartening and on a few occasions now has made me feel like not bothering at all. The problem this leaves me with is that the urge is still strong to do it, and I know im never going to be happy with the result. If I dont dress I get frustrated, if I do, I get frustrated. I cant win!!!
On a side note, one of the girls who used to be on my team has got the most amazing dress and has worn it a few times now since ive been back. I really really want to ask her where she got it, but obviously cant!