Ive been feeling pretty down for the past few days now, I really didnt feel like going into work today so took the day off sick (im only in training and ive been through it already, im not missing anything). Its been so noticeable my partner has been worried today, thinking there is another revelation or something on the way. For example she asked "are you bi?" to which I replied "no", but I could not tell her the real reason why ive been feeling this way, because it would make her worry for our future together.
Ive been trying to picture and plan where and how far I want to go with this side of me, and how feasible this is with where my life is at the moment, and to be honest some of it just isnt feasible at all. If I did decide I wanted to take things forward then that would probably mean the end of my relationship with my partner and this is not something I want to do. So basically I am damned if I do, damned if I dont. Ive been trying to figure out for days which is more important and I really dont know. Do I compromise and probably regret not taking this as far as I want to, or do I split up with an amazing person to give myself the space to do this as much as I want to.
Is it worth trading it all in for a potential lifetime of loneliness? Ive read so many stories of straight T-Girls who have been single for many many years because girls just dont like it, and I know ive been lucky with how accepting my partner has been and I really dont want to lose her. We have found an Aimee/Bob life balance which my partner is happy with at the moment, but I just dont know if it is enough for me.