Embarrassment And Experimenting

Another boring webcam shot

Since this is the last day of my week off I decided to get dressed up for the day. I bought a new dress, cardi and scarf over the weekend and I wanted to try them on (and they do look amazing on!), so I spent a few hours this afternoon cleaning, shaving, cleaning again, dressing, plastering, plastering again, plastering again and so on. My partner also had the day off today and she was downstairs doing her own thing while I dressed up.

When I finished getting ready though I found myself feeling quite nervous. This isnt something she hasnt seen before, ive been dressed in front of her quite a few times now but once again I found myself hiding in the spare room. I cant decide why I couldnt face her though, was it because I was worried about what she would think of me? Or am I embarrassed to be dressed up in front of her. I pushed myself past it eventually and we spent the afternoon watching TV together but it took me a while to get there. Once I changed back into a man later on my partner said to me that I looked nice, referring to when I was dressed earlier. This was a bit unexpected to be honest but a nice compliment to be paid!

I have also been giving Andrew O'Neills quote (see previous post) a lot of thought today too. I think ive got over my 'I want to be a woman' stage, I know its never going to happen and as much as im going to get depressed over it from time to time I need to ground myself in reality a little. As such I did a little experiment today and went bra-less and without breastforms for a good chunk of my dressing time, but still had on my dress, wig and makeup and I was actually ok with it. Its clearly something that isnt going to work with tops that are designed with breasts in mind, but I think it could work with a lot of clothing I have.

I know with my partner the breastforms were something that really confused her and slightly freaks her out about this, its one thing to like dressing up and makeup and so on, but adding breasts makes it look like its some kind of roleplay or something. And if for example I ever came out to friends with this, I could see it being the most jarring aspect of it all because of how fake it is to wear them. I suppose a wig wouldnt be much better but I dont have much of a choice there.

The same could be said for when going out and about dressed up whenever it will finally happen. Since passing completely is not an option, finding that balance of being me but dressed in a feminine way seems a more logical target to aim for, rather than putting in loads of effort and fakery to present an image that isnt going to fool anyone. At the very least, itll make toilet trips easier because ill still clearly be a bloke, just in a dress.

"I Want To Dress As Me...."

I recently read an intriguing post on malefemme which contained a quote from Andrew O'Neill on Postmodern Trannyblog which says:

“I think I have a hardwired notion that it is desirable to be a girl. I also have over the years accepted and internalised the fact that I cannot be a girl. Therefore it is desirable to be like a girl, and because of our hugely gendered clothing split, the easiest way to achieve that is to wear the clothes of a girl. If I looked more feminine, I think I would probably act a lot more feminine, but as I don’t want to try and fail to pass for female, I ground what I do in an acknowledgement that I am male. The identity I project outwards is therefore feminine male, rather than woman. I want to dress as ME, not as something I am not.”

This is an interesting way of looking at things, and its definitely a quote which has given me something to think about. I may move away from trying to work towards being as female as I can and try to be as me as I can. Ive got a few ideas about how to approach this and I do aim to try them out one step at a time over the coming months. First off, I think im going to try and lose the boobs. I think my breastforms are a necessary evil when it comes to certain aspects of female fashion, and would still be necessary for special occasions perhaps, but I think its got to be worth seeing if I need to wear them for normal day-to-day dressing up. It may be that I try this out and I feel that its not for me. I do love having a chest there, but as Andrew points out, it isnt me.

I dont think I would ever stop wearing a wig though, I love having hair and my own is not enough to pull off any kind of feminine hairstyle unfortunately.

Social Anxiety

I've been up to a few things this week, I visited a T-Girl friend who I haven't seen in a long time, and I've had to visit my partners family too this weekend, involving going to a social function with extended family and more. The one thing that has shined through for both is the social anxiety I felt beforehand, which was amplified by the fact that I have great difficulty getting to know and connecting with people. My interests are not really 'mainstream' and I find it difficult to find things I have in common with people.

It was nice to see my friend again, although I did have a moment of anxiety while I was on the train. And again, I found it extremely difficult to finds things to talk about and this was nothing to do with her, it was all me. I hate the thought of putting my foot in it conversational-wise, or making a social fool of myself, which I have done too many times.

One on one situations are not too bad, with the right person I can usually kind of push myself through them. Group situations are much, much worse. This social event for example. I'm with a lot of people I don't know and have no shared interests with, and I'm already putting myself under pressure because I'm fully aware of this. So after the hi's and awkward looking around while trying to think of something to say, They then ask "so how's work" I have to bite my tongue with what that place has put me through, and that conversation dies quickly. I ended up just sat at a table people watching and drinking to myself for hours until it was time to go. I hate it.

The idea of detaching myself from everyone came into my head again this weekend. Delete my Facebook account, turn off my phone and snap my SIM card, maybe even dump my partner, move and start again. God I hate this so much. Am I just being selfish?

I'm meant to be going to a stag do in a few weeks. I haven't replied to the final invite message because truthfully I hate the idea of it and can't push myself to go. I've never been on one, I'm not a big drinker, I don't know what to expect, there will be people I haven't seen in many years there, and people I don't even know. At this moment it is just something I can't put myself through but I will look a right twat if I don't go. I really don't know what to do.

Another thing that has been getting to me over the past few days is frustration, especially at the social event. Seeing girls doing their own thing fills me with so much jealousy ive had to stop myself shouting out in frustration several times now. I want what they have so bad sometimes, it's more then simple wishing, I can feel what I can only describe as a physical longing to be in their place. I think the fact that Aimee seems to have taken a back seat so far this year isn't helping. I'm annoyed that im near the end of February and I am still yet to start on my New Years resolutions, or take any more steps to take Aimee out of the closet.

Obsessing Again

Its been about three weeks now since I last had a chance to dress up and im beginning to struggle a little now, im getting a little annoyed/frustrated/stressed. Today of all days when im meant to be making some big gesture to my partner about how much I love her, and all I want to do is as little as possible. Ive been obsessing again, constantly running things through my head about this side of my life, and its been slowly depressing me over the past few days. I dont think the pressure of Valentines day is helping either to be honest. Im not some hopeless romantic, and I know I put my partner through a hell of a lot, but I just fail at this every year.

I tried to leave the house earlier to go pick up a card and some chocolates from town for her, I put my coat on, sat on the stairs, and then must have sat there for about 20 minutes trying to motivate myself to leave the house. I couldnt. I had to literally force myself out the door when I had a break in thinking. I eventually got into town and it seemed that every girl that walked past was just triggering a thought that made me feel worse and worse about myself. Wonderful figure, nice leggings, why cant I look like that, lovely hair, cute face, girls are so lucky, nice shoes, love that top, wish I could pull that off, round and round and round and round. By the time I got to M&S to buy some food for our meal tonight, I was so annoyed I had to go home instead. I was on the phone to my partner trying to decide with her what to get and with all the people around me, the old people in my way (ive got nothing against old people by the way, but en-masse in front of the food it got frustrating), trying to figure out what to get over the phone and what was part of the deals...... I gave up.

So now im sat at home and I feel a little calmer now but still feeling pretty sorry for myself. This is another Valentines day ive messed up, a day when I should be showing my gratitude for my partner still standing by my side after all that ive put her through over the past year, and more. No gesture would be big enough to show my appreciation, but I cant even try and make a small one.